Partner gets a kick out of winding me up. How to stop it?

[babybrowns]

I’ve been with my partner for just over a year, we are in a long distance relationship and meet a couple of weekends a month. He’s a guy who likes to wind people up, innocently but annoyingly.

 

He does it by little things such as poking at my face when we’re watching a movie together, stepping away suddenly when I’m leaning against him at an art gallery, kicking me under the table during breakfast. At times that I want to just relax and enjoy something he ruins the moment for me. Mealtimes are when it gets most annoying because I’m someone that likes to relax and enjoy my food!

 

I’ve tried telling him to “stop” when he is in the act but he does not respond, which is a bit concerning. I really don’t want to do the whole ‘sit down chat’ with him about this because I don’t want him to think I’m a serious no-nonsense person, which I’m not. I like his playfulness but it’s just too invasive at times. I just want him to give me a little more ‘space’. Would anyone have ideas for a solution to this? Many thanks.

Edited November 22, 2017 by babybrowns

[major_merrick]

A couple of choices. First you could mockingly wind him up in response. Or, you could give him the cold shoulder when he does it (make grouchy sounds and walk off). A serious conversation is always good too, but sometimes even if you say "it really annoys me when..." it simply doesn't sink in. Try a few different methods and see what works.

[GemmaUK]

I wouldn't play him at his own game - that'll encourage him to up his.

 

This stuff can end up hurting you physically and he clearly is totally unaware that it's not a pleasant thing to deal with.

I would have a conversation once about this.

 

If after that he continues you be consistent with getting up and getting away from him when he does it.

 

If you're out for dinner that means you get up and leave - leave the restaurant.

You leave his place if you are there.

Tell him to go home if he is at yours.

 

If you don't address it when it happens you are letting him continue to do it.

Think toddler training - be consistent and serious about it.

 

Having said all that, you don't mention anything else going on in the relationship but I suspect maybe there is more to it - is he insecure/attention seeking/jealous/ possessive? Is there anything else he does that don't seem quite normal to you?

[basil67]

So he does this stuff. He knows you don't like it but does it anyway. In short, he doesn't care about how his actions make you feel. And he IS NOT going to change.

 

You need to make a decision. Is this the type of man you envisage yourself with long term or not? It's perfectly acceptable to end a relationship because someone deliberately annoys you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

First of all, to my good American kin, HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY!

 

OP, he is absolutely aware of what he is doing. These are acts of aggression targeting you. He is likely very passive-aggressive, but he has gone a step beyond. Was he always like this?

 

If things get too bad, after a calm, but stern conversation, I would let him have it. VERBALLY! If he laughs, giggles, continues, YOU NEED TO GO! He currently does not respect your feelings and he is trying to provoke you, but speaking to him calmly, if it doesn't work, only signals that his intentions are to create a hostile environment. People who do crap like this are almost always trying to drive a wedge into the relationship.

[CC12]

I really don’t want to do the whole ‘sit down chat’ with him about this because I don’t want him to think I’m a serious no-nonsense person, which I’m not.

 

This isn't a good strategy. You're more concerned with being "the cool girlfriend" than being honest and upfront about something that is bothering you. You need to be able to communicate what you want and need from your partner. If it makes him resent you, then he's not the right person for you. You need a partner who will listen to your concerns and be receptive. You need a partner who would want you to tell him these things.

 

You know what happens when you suppress your own feelings to keep everyone else happy? You become unhappy.

 

So have a sit-down chat. Tell him that you love his playfulness, but it becomes too much for you sometimes. And that you'd like for him to act like more of a gentleman to you, not treat you like his kid sister, especially in public. And that table manners are important to you so please cut out the ribbing at mealtimes. It's really not much to ask.

 

He'll probably say, "But I'm just joking around with you!" Tell him you know he is, but sometimes it's just not funny and you don't want to feel picked on or bullied.

 

Seriously, this is some little boy schoolyard stuff and if he doesn't stop it after you tell him that it bothers you, you should probably rethink this relationship since it's more important to him to rile you up instead of making you feel safe and secure and comfortable.