It hurts inside. A lot. Anyone else who can relate?

[Beachead]

This is long but should anyone take the time to read it, it would mean a lot.

 

Life is wearing me down.

 

 

I am nearly 4 months into a breakup and am not coping well at all. Was rebounded by someone who returned to their ex, immediately following our breakup which was 4 months back. Yesterday, I returned to facebook after 4 months of deactivation and saw her status and a picture of them two together. It broke my heart. I stared at it for a long time. I thought about all the memories me and her shared. The night she told me she loved me. The day she told me to trust her. How she said that she was serious about things and how I felt when I realized she could just readily abandon me and everything we shared. The whole experience has broken me.

 

It was always like this. How much more can I take?

 

I battled an illness growing up. A sick mom and dad and a brother. Divorce and separation. My own parents fighting. The lack of money. My own relationships consistently failing. Just non-stop 20 years. I have tried to remain positive and hopeful and have continued to work and push forward but I'm just not feeling it anymore.

 

I feel like this breakup just wiped me out. Made me feel like I'll never see a life like that for myself and that I'm going to be alone because it doesn't seem like anyone wants to fight for me like I did for them. The same miserable outcome. Goodbye. Move on. Heart getting ripped to freaking pieces. Having to get myself back up, tell myself it's going to be okay and put myself back together again. Continue to perform at work, school and be there for others. I wanted to have a different life and I feel like it's slipping away. I don't want to be the only person who cares about me anymore. Composing/producing music and training all the time at the gym were two things that always helped me deal with it all. It even got me through the loss of friends and my 1st 2 break ups. It just isn't working anymore.

Edited November 22, 2017 by Beachead

[wolfie04]

I understand perfectly well how you are feeling, as partly I feel the same as you. Like my whole life is a wreck after a breakup, like I lost myself throughout the relationship I had with someone that didn't value me. But that sole factor doesn't seem to be enough...

 

I lost friendships due to the douche I had for an ex, friendships I valued a great deal and that I cannot bring them back due to being blind by "love". It's like I always lost the ones I cared about, then they passed away (grandparents, aunts, pets), and I tried so hard to make something to work, but failed miserably in the process.

 

If the motto goes that there's always hope, I'd like to believe it. The most important thing we need to do is love ourselves, because by not doing so, we're sticking around with people that treat us as if we were disposable. This applies to every single aspect of our lives, from work to friends and relationships.

[Fever of love]

This is long but should anyone take the time to read it, it would mean a lot.

 

Life is wearing me down.

 

 

I am nearly 4 months into a breakup and am not coping well at all. Was rebounded by someone who returned to their ex, immediately following our breakup which was 4 months back.

 

Made me feel like I'll never see a life like that for myself and that I'm going to be alone because it doesn't seem like anyone wants to fight for me like I did for them. The same miserable outcome. Goodbye. Move on. Heart getting ripped to freaking pieces. Having to get myself back up, tell myself it's going to be okay and put myself back together again

 

Same boat my friend. It's all life's big questions mixed up with the heartbreak and grief. It feels unbearable. 5 months into breakup, after 22 years together.

 

Can I ask how you and your current ex got together n the first place? You say you were a rebound- how long was she out of her relationship with her ex when she got with you?

 

And then she went straight back to him from being with you? How long were you together? And was she in constant contact with her ex when you guys were together?

[Beachead]

Same boat my friend. It's all life's big questions mixed up with the heartbreak and grief. It feels unbearable. 5 months into breakup, after 22 years together.

 

Can I ask how you and your current ex got together n the first place? You say you were a rebound- how long was she out of her relationship with her ex when she got with you?

 

And then she went straight back to him from being with you? How long were you together? And was she in constant contact with her ex when you guys were together?

 

 

They had problems and her were taking space. I don't know for how long. Her status on facebook was marked as single too. We started talking a lot more after a party one night. I was concerned about their status and she was the one that told me they were together. But, as the time went on, she talked more and more, and did sweet things like show up to my doctors appointments or check up on me in the morning before I went to work. I never asked her to do any of this. Friends saw it instantly. She became distant with him and said how she no longer felt the same anymore. One Friday she picked me up after work, grabbed some dinner, we drove to a nice spot. We watched sun set an the moon come out, music was playing on the radio..and then we kissed. So she transitioned from him to me with no time off.

 

It was stupid of me but I couldn't deny how I felt or the chemistry.

 

Throughout the relationship, he was still in the picture, trying to win her back, would contact her, they would fight, shooting me long hate messages on facebook. It was very difficult. She would tell me she needed to go back but would keep talking to me everyday but then would come back after a few days and we would continue.

 

Less than 2 weeks prior to our breakup, we had sex for the first time and she confessed she loved me. She had already made plans for me to meet her sister and husband and was talking about eventually meeting her parents. I caught her talking about us and a family so casually and she didn't even realize she was doing it until I pointed it out.

 

But there were times she was lost in thought, quiet. Her exes birthday passed by, and then their 4 year anniversary. Everything about that was obviously affecting her. In some way shape or form, he was around. She wasn't over him and I could tell. I guess after 2 months or so, she got tired of denying it. And as quickly as it began, it ended.

 

2 days later, she was back with him. We talked a little bit after that but grew distant very quickly. Eventually she told me she promised him she wouldn't talk to me anymore.

 

We never really had any problems about anything that had to do with us except the one monumental one..her ex. I wish I never got myself into this because I'm suffering. I can't compete with their 4 year relationship and he had plans to marry her and I doubt I'll ever hear from her again.

 

The end.

Edited November 23, 2017 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

You are never going to be able to heal if you & she are still friends on social media. Unfriend her immediately. You don't need to see those pictures. You would be smarter to block her altogether.

 

This time of year magnifies feelings of loneliness especially if your present situation doesn't look like some Hollywood ideal of what the holidays are supposed to be. It was for reasons other then a break up but I feel victim to the Holiday blues last night. I was crying & barfing. I've been on edge for several weeks & dreading this whole season. Yesterday I was able to do something nice to help somebody else who was also feeling lonely at the holidays. That brought me some peace.

 

Find a way to reinvent yourself & your holiday. Band together with some good friends. Volunteer doing things for the less fortunate. Don't give in to the doldrums. A new year, a fresh start is coming.

[Beachead]

You are never going to be able to heal if you & she are still friends on social media. Unfriend her immediately. You don't need to see those pictures. You would be smarter to block her altogether.

 

This time of year magnifies feelings of loneliness especially if your present situation doesn't look like some Hollywood ideal of what the holidays are supposed to be. It was for reasons other then a break up but I feel victim to the Holiday blues last night. I was crying & barfing. I've been on edge for several weeks & dreading this whole season. Yesterday I was able to do something nice to help somebody else who was also feeling lonely at the holidays. That brought me some peace.

 

Find a way to reinvent yourself & your holiday. Band together with some good friends. Volunteer doing things for the less fortunate. Don't give in to the doldrums. A new year, a fresh start is coming.

 

Yea I know. which is why I did actually block her for 4 months. But after my therapist listened to me speak about the whole situation, he advised me to unblock her and leave her unfriended. In that process, I saw the profile picture. The good..if you consider it good is I felt all the hope being sucked away. The bad..I'm miserable.

Edited November 23, 2017 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

As much as having the hope sucked away hurt, the fact that it's now gone is an important step in healing. You have proverbially ripped the bandage off & now you can move forward.

[Marc878]

You were her rebound. Block her and move on.

 

Get out of the victim chair. It gets you nothing.

[Beachead]

As much as having the hope sucked away hurt, the fact that it's now gone is an important step in healing. You have proverbially ripped the bandage off & now you can move forward.

 

Yea that's how I see it too. From past experiences, I always found killing the hope to be the most challengeing part of getting over somebody. It was never something I could force or make happen. It happened when it happened but once it happened, moving on became easier.

 

I am hoping it will be the same with this.

Edited November 24, 2017 by Beachead

[SixxChick]

I was in a rebound situation as well. While I like think I have a head on my shoulders, I too was blinded by love. And the rose colored glasses that hid the red flags that were screaming at me all along the way. We live and learn.

 

Unfortunately, from my experience, I learned to not trust people. It sounds dire and skeptical, but it's true. My heart is guarded by six-inch solid steel bars right now. And it will take a long time to ever offer it up to anybody else.

 

I am okay with being alone. I really am. I hope you make peace with that too until you fully heal from your experience. Perhaps you can move on to another relationship using the lessons that you learned. I, for one, am okay on my own. I wouldn't wish the hell I went through on anybody. Time has really helped in my healing. I hope that it does for you as well.

 

Happy Friday!

[Beachead]

I was in a rebound situation as well. While I like think I have a head on my shoulders, I too was blinded by love. And the rose colored glasses that hid the red flags that were screaming at me all along the way. We live and learn.

 

Unfortunately, from my experience, I learned to not trust people. It sounds dire and skeptical, but it's true. My heart is guarded by six-inch solid steel bars right now. And it will take a long time to ever offer it up to anybody else.

 

I am okay with being alone. I really am. I hope you make peace with that too until you fully heal from your experience. Perhaps you can move on to another relationship using the lessons that you learned. I, for one, am okay on my own. I wouldn't wish the hell I went through on anybody. Time has really helped in my healing. I hope that it does for you as well.

 

Happy Friday!

 

Thanks for this. I also have severe trust issues as well.

 

Is it okay to ask what happened with your situation? Did you ever hear from him again?

[rubyjuly]

I'm sorry to hear all you've gone through... sadly I can relate, I actually just posted in another section on breakups.. mine wasn't a rebound relationship but we were together several years and it really devastated me what happened ( it was abusive) and have a uphill battle with depression and ptsd. My whole life I always was fortunate to have excellent physical health but now, it seems like that suddenly changed.. a few months ago I began to have a few symptoms like being extremely weak and tired to even do basic stuff a lot of the time, and couple other symptoms. I'm completely wiped out, and don't trust people, because he was so nice and loving until he got really abusive. Anyways I try to cope by doing some meditation, and I was doing yoga and dance until I got physically sick with whatever's going on in my body so mostly now I can't do physical stuff like exercise or yoga so I just do some light exercise that I'm able to do, deep breathing and meditation for ptsd, watch Netflix and do some art and take it day by day... it is really uphill battle I have and all I can do is try to make it.

Maybe try to do some things that you really like, whatever those are and take care of yourself.

[rubyjuly]

I understand perfectly well how you are feeling, as partly I feel the same as you. Like my whole life is a wreck after a breakup, like I lost myself throughout the relationship I had with someone that didn't value me. But that sole factor doesn't seem to be enough...

 

I lost friendships due to the douche I had for an ex, friendships I valued a great deal and that I cannot bring them back due to being blind by "love". It's like I always lost the ones I cared about, then they passed away (grandparents, aunts, pets), and I tried so hard to make something to work, but failed miserably in the process.

 

If the motto goes that there's always hope, I'd like to believe it. The most important thing we need to do is love ourselves, because by not doing so, we're sticking around with people that treat us as if we were disposable. This applies to every single aspect of our lives, from work to friends and relationships.

 

Some of the most important advice you gave I agree to love yourself. Biggest mistake I made was not loving myself. I will add one more--- is sooo important to **believe in yourself*** --- imo the best place to start.. wish I had been able to.. I tried but the problem was I tried to start believing in myself when I was already deep in a very abusive relationship and had been worn down and afraid to leave anyway, plus his emotional abuse made me feel nobody else would want me anyways and so I have to start now from where I am to do so

[basil67]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/636627-rebounds-rude-awakenings

 

Looking back at your history, it's no surprise you have trust issues. This is happening to you because you are careless with your love. If I understand correctly, you were with this woman for only two months yet you *allowed* yourself to get carried away and take everything she said seriously.

 

Dude, those first months of a relationship are a whirlwind of heady, wonderful feelings. But they don't reflect reality. Instead, they are caused by all the adrenaline and hormones rushing around in your body. Yes, people say things like "I will never hurt you" or "I've never met anyone like you before" but it's all fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Of course, they mean it *at the time*, but it's fuelled by all those feel good hormones. Only time will tell if it will last.

 

When you start dating, enjoy it. Enjoy those amazing early dating feelings. But it's essential that you recognise them for what they are and don't fully commit your heart till you've both back to 'normal'.

 

The best path to recovery is to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, look at the mistakes YOU'VE been making repeatedly and learn from them. Yes, it's hard work and very confronting. But it's how to recover.

[SixxChick]

Thanks for this. I also have severe trust issues as well.

 

Is it okay to ask what happened with your situation? Did you ever hear from him again?

 

I'll be honest with you. I have nothing to lose. He was married to one of my law school colleagues. In fact, he proposed to her in front of our Contracts class. I thought he was adorable. Ten years later, I was looking for a new vendor and he was in the business. When he came over, I asked how they were doing. He told me they were separated. Well, I looked at his cute little butt, and the rest was history. They had two bratty-ass kids, he lost his house, and he needed a place to live. He stood in my kitchen and BEGGED me for a place to stay. He promised to pay me $200/week.

 

Fast forward this pathetic story ... he racked up a $7,000 bill. I had to kick him out. He was taking his phone into the bathroom, texting in the middle of the night on the couch, etc., while I was stupidly supporting him. BUT ... he forgot what I do for a living.

 

It wasn't some random stranger that I dated. That's why I thought I could trust him. We had a little bit of history. But, when push came to shove, he told me what an evil bitch I am for wanting my money back. Well, guess what? I got every penny back from him ending this past June. I totally broke the no contact rule, but it worked. Was it worth it? Well, yeah. I do miss those $400/month payments though. I didn't put it toward bills. I spent it frivolously on myself, i.e., bought a guitar, pedicures, lavish dinners out with my friends, detailed my Z, etc., etc.

 

There you have it. The things we do for love.

 

Strength and honor.

[Beachead]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/636627-rebounds-rude-awakenings

 

Looking back at your history, it's no surprise you have trust issues. This is happening to you because you are careless with your love. If I understand correctly, you were with this woman for only two months yet you *allowed* yourself to get carried away and take everything she said seriously.

 

Dude, those first months of a relationship are a whirlwind of heady, wonderful feelings. But they don't reflect reality. Instead, they are caused by all the adrenaline and hormones rushing around in your body. Yes, people say things like "I will never hurt you" or "I've never met anyone like you before" but it's all fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Of course, they mean it *at the time*, but it's fuelled by all those feel good hormones. Only time will tell if it will last.

 

When you start dating, enjoy it. Enjoy those amazing early dating feelings. But it's essential that you recognise them for what they are and don't fully commit your heart till you've both back to 'normal'.

 

The best path to recovery is to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Instead, look at the mistakes YOU'VE been making repeatedly and learn from them. Yes, it's hard work and very confronting. But it's how to recover.

 

I agree with this assessment completely but this is my dilemma.

 

When these things happen, and you're in it, it's not as easy as 1, 2 ,3. My logic does get overpowered by my heart. It's a bit difficult to shrug off someone who is whole heartedly committing to treating you fairly well. I can end up losing a person by dismissing their words as fake and their efforts as not a big deal. Regret is powerful and it's not something I want weighing down on my conscious. So..I trust and I open up and I let it all flow. It's amazing, frightening and if the relationship fails such as this one, costs me dearly. If I can't be all there, I can't be in it at all.

 

But this does need to be changed because I can't live like this anymore. I need to think hard on how to adjust upon this.

Edited November 24, 2017 by Beachead

[Beachead]

I'll be honest with you. I have nothing to lose. He was married to one of my law school colleagues. In fact, he proposed to her in front of our Contracts class. I thought he was adorable. Ten years later, I was looking for a new vendor and he was in the business. When he came over, I asked how they were doing. He told me they were separated. Well, I looked at his cute little butt, and the rest was history. They had two bratty-ass kids, he lost his house, and he needed a place to live. He stood in my kitchen and BEGGED me for a place to stay. He promised to pay me $200/week.

 

Fast forward this pathetic story ... he racked up a $7,000 bill. I had to kick him out. He was taking his phone into the bathroom, texting in the middle of the night on the couch, etc., while I was stupidly supporting him. BUT ... he forgot what I do for a living.

 

It wasn't some random stranger that I dated. That's why I thought I could trust him. We had a little bit of history. But, when push came to shove, he told me what an evil bitch I am for wanting my money back. Well, guess what? I got every penny back from him ending this past June. I totally broke the no contact rule, but it worked. Was it worth it? Well, yeah. I do miss those $400/month payments though. I didn't put it toward bills. I spent it frivolously on myself, i.e., bought a guitar, pedicures, lavish dinners out with my friends, detailed my Z, etc., etc.

 

There you have it. The things we do for love.

 

Strength and honor.

 

Well sh*t. I am sorry you suffered so much. I am sorry the whole thing turned sideways on you and this guy revealed himself to be a leech.

 

The things we do for love indeed.