I am in love with a married man.....

[Crazyorstupid]

I chickened out.. I was or so I thought totally prepared to have that conversation with my MM. I've been distancing myself from him since my original post the other day. Limiting my texts and calls. Meet with him for the first time today since Wendsday. (I know, that was my first mistake)

As soon as I seen him my heart melted and I couldn't do it.

Damn that smile!!!

I know this road I'm on will only end in heartache, I've even told him that before. How can I know someone is so bad for me, yet love him so much?

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment.

Maybe I deserve the heartache, for getting involved with a taken man to begin with.

I think maybe I am addicted to the way he makes me feel when I am with him. Like I am on top of the world, all my problems fade into the background and nothing else matters.

 

How long did it take you to finally say, enough is enough and completely walk away? How did you do it? How did you manage after? I can't be the only one struggling with this.

[Vivir]

CorS, maybe you're not ready just yet. Maybe you'll never be...

 

As for me, I broke away slowly. When he was still heavily contacting me, I sometimes tried to live as if he weren't. I asked myself How would I manage without the attention? How would I deal with the pain? What can I do.

 

Since you have gone down this road, unfortunately, there will be no shortcuts to the other side. You will endure pain; it is not a question of If, but of When.

 

And unless you are willing to be the Other Woman indefinitely (or until he gets bored or his wife finds out), I strongly advise you to draft an exit strategy ASAP.

 

There are more than 500 pages of threads in this particular forum alone that you could peruse; your question has been asked *many* times over and much insight and advice can be found.

 

Consider the possibility that you are romanticizing this situation. The word fantasy comes up in this forum A LOT. As you know, the opposite of fantasy is reality.

 

Consider where this man has been since you last saw him. The reality is highly likely that he was with a woman, probably like yourself, and she likely has no idea that you exist. He has been out living his actual life, his real life, the one that includes a woman who shares his last name, his home, his finances, etc.

 

I am not trying to be mean or hurtful. Please, believe me. When reality stomps on the fantasy, it hurts.

 

It helps to visualize him spending his life with another woman, not in the past or in the future, but today.

 

You see this man as an individual, and he is, but he is also part of a couple. A legalized couple, where he had to go to the courts to sign paperwork to bind himself to a woman, perhaps one like yourself. He did this willingly and happily, I am betting.

 

I visualized my xMM laughing at me and my misfortune, taking care of a wife, protecting her, while I took care of and protected myself. I imagined him having double everything I wanted and needed, being greedy. I tried not to see him as an individual, but as a part of a couple - which he is. That is the person he doesn't show you, but that is the person you need to see when you look at him.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Vivir

[wmacbride]

I just messaged him and told him we need to have a long talk face to face. I want to know exactly what his intentions are. You all have made me realize alot about myself and about him. Honestly alot of these opinions have crossed my mind, guess I needed an outsider to confirm my thoughts. Not sure why I needed that, maybe it was the small thoughts of denial.

 

I think he is using me and i am using him to fill a void. I need to find another outlet. I don't want to be someone's dirty little secret.

 

 

Really, the one I feel the worst for in all of this is the little by or girl. Why drag them away form everyone and everything they know?

[wmacbride]

CorS, maybe you're not ready just yet. Maybe you'll never be...

 

As for me, I broke away slowly. When he was still heavily contacting me, I sometimes tried to live as if he weren't. I asked myself How would I manage without the attention? How would I deal with the pain? What can I do.

 

Since you have gone down this road, unfortunately, there will be no shortcuts to the other side. You will endure pain; it is not a question of If, but of When.

 

And unless you are willing to be the Other Woman indefinitely (or until he gets bored or his wife finds out), I strongly advise you to draft an exit strategy ASAP.

 

There are more than 500 pages of threads in this particular forum alone that you could peruse; your question has been asked *many* times over and much insight and advice can be found.

 

Consider the possibility that you are romanticizing this situation. The word fantasy comes up in this forum A LOT. As you know, the opposite of fantasy is reality.

 

Consider where this man has been since you last saw him. The reality is highly likely that he was with a woman, probably like yourself, and she likely has no idea that you exist. He has been out living his actual life, his real life, the one that includes a woman who shares his last name, his home, his finances, etc.

 

I am not trying to be mean or hurtful. Please, believe me. When reality stomps on the fantasy, it hurts.

 

It helps to visualize him spending his life with another woman, not in the past or in the future, but today.

 

You see this man as an individual, and he is, but he is also part of a couple. A legalized couple, where he had to go to the courts to sign paperwork to bind himself to a woman, perhaps one like yourself. He did this willingly and happily, I am betting.

 

I visualized my xMM laughing at me and my misfortune, taking care of a wife, protecting her, while I took care of and protected myself. I imagined him having double everything I wanted and needed, being greedy. I tried not to see him as an individual, but as a part of a couple - which he is. That is the person he doesn't show you, but that is the person you need to see when you look at him.

 

Trust me on this one. If his wife finds out, she will be in for a world of pain like she has never imagined. It's really sad that this creep married man is willing to hurt both you and her.

 

Just of of the many unfair aspects of an affair is that the bs and ow/om so often end up pitted against each other as enemies, when the true enemy for both is the married man or woman who is cheating. It's even worse when the mm/mw knows they are hurting others, but they still keep right on going.

 

The spouse, om/ow, children, etc. pay the price for the mm/mw's escape from reality.

 

I really find that terrible.

[joyful]

the pain from an affair belongs to a category of heart-wrenching and mind-scrambling anguish that i literally would not wish on my worst enemy.

 

and all for what????

[FoundMyStrength]

I am not trying to be mean or hurtful. Please, believe me. When reality stomps on the fantasy, it hurts.

 

It helps to visualize him spending his life with another woman, not in the past or in the future, but today.

 

You see this man as an individual, and he is, but he is also part of a couple. A legalized couple, where he had to go to the courts to sign paperwork to bind himself to a woman, perhaps one like yourself. He did this willingly and happily, I am betting.

 

Vivir is so right on this one. My xMM didn't realize what a favor he did me when he invited me to his GoogleChat/circle. I think he forgot he'd posted all of his wedding pictures, reception pictures, honeymoon pictures. That was a reality check of the type you don't really recover from.

 

CoS, it doesn't really matter if you love someone if they are legally bound to someone else. Your xMM is not single. He is married. He is part of a couple.

 

They may have problems, like every couple, but that doesn't negate the love that they shared or continue to share. It doesn't erase the family and friendships that connect them, the holidays they've spent together, the kids or pets or house or belongings or other things they've shared in that time.

 

And, contrary to popular belief, men who have affairs can simultaneously love their wife. They compartmentalize extremely well.

 

As Vivir said, remind yourself of these things every day. When I was going through withdrawal and having urges to reach out, I would pull up a picture of them together. They looked so happy. SHE looked so happy. It forced me to confront the fact that she was real and not some abstraction. And I was going to be damned if I spent another second hurting that woman.

Edited November 26, 2017 by FoundMyStrength

[xoswtdreamsxo]

I am new here, after searching the internet for what feels like forever, i came across this forum. Need some advice, and I do not have anyone to talk to in my personal life. So here it goes....

 

There is a guy at work I started talking to last February, he is from another country. He came here 4 years ago. When we started this "relationship" I knew he had a girlfriend and child back home in his country.

He says they fight and argue all the time and he hasn't been in love with her for a long time. He does not want to break it off with her because he wants his child to come here with him. His child will not come without its mother, which is understandable.

 

Well back in June he went back to his country to marry this women, he agonized over it, but his family convinced him this was the only way for him to be with his kid. He has been very open with me about all of this and everything else. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me. He plans to divorce her when his kid is here.

 

I mostly feel he is being sincere...but sometimes I think he is only with me to pass the time. We talk about it often. And he reassures me he is not playing with me. I just do don't want to waste time on something that will never be.

 

Anyone have any words of wisdom, similar situation, or just any constructive advice that might help. Thank you in advance.

 

 

You are not crazy OR stupid. You are human and humans were made so that humans are attracted to other humans. Yet again, it's human ethics that created this dynamic called "marriage" where a man or a woman is more honorable with a spouse, kids and a large family. Take away all the rules mankind made for itself and you are just a woman who is interested in a man. He wasn't born married and that's the bottom line. Your married guy is with you because he's interested in you. Maybe he is interested in the both of you. It's called being a human being.

 

The only thing I will tell you is to allow him his freedom. Life is about freedom, not bondage and that is exactly what marriage and relationships are. If he will leave her for you, he may leave you for someone else if he finds someone else. (That doesn't always happen. My mom left my dad for another man and she stayed with that man, faithfully until he died.) So just keep in mind that if he ever left you, it is fair game. All is fair game. Humans shouldn't be romantically obligated to one another. That's a joke.

 

Look at everyone's arguments against why you should end it. "He spends his life with another woman." -- So what. That's the problem in humanity's thinking in the first place. If YOU like him, who cares if he spends time with someone else. That is none of your business. Enjoy the good times you have while he's here and don't let this negativity jade your soul. Try to reject the jealousy you feel when you think of him spending his life with another woman. As a matter of fact, don't think of it, at all. It's not your problem. You're not married. He is. The psychology of romantic ethics is so off base, it's ridiculous. We have programmed our minds to think jealousy and possessiveness is okay. I wish you the best!

Edited November 28, 2017 by xoswtdreamsxo

[S2B]

You are not crazy OR stupid. You are human and humans were made so that humans are attracted to other humans. Yet again, it's human ethics that created this dynamic called "marriage" where a man or a woman is more honorable with a spouse, kids and a large family. Take away all the rules mankind made for itself and you are just a woman who is interested in a man. He wasn't born married and that's the bottom line. Your married guy is with you because he's interested in you. Maybe he is interested in the both of you. It's called being a human being.

 

The only thing I will tell you is to allow him his freedom. Life is about freedom, not bondage and that is exactly what marriage and relationships are. If he will leave her for you, he may leave you for someone else if he finds someone else. (That doesn't always happen. My mom left my dad for another man and she stayed with that man, faithfully until he died.) So just keep in mind that if he ever left you, it is fair game. All is fair game. Humans shouldn't be romantically obligated to one another. That's a joke.

 

Look at everyone's arguments against why you should end it. "He spends his life with another woman." -- So what. That's the problem in humanity's thinking in the first place. If YOU like him, who cares if he spends time with someone else. That is none of your business. Enjoy the good times you have while he's here and don't let this negativity jade your soul. Try to reject the jealousy you feel when you think of him spending his life with another woman. As a matter of fact, don't think of it, at all. It's not your problem. You're not married. He is. The psychology of romantic ethics is so off base, it's ridiculous. We have programmed our minds to think jealousy and possessiveness is okay. I wish you the best!

 

Really? How about honesty and commitment and respect? How about vows that two people take? How about respecting that boundary?

 

No one forced him to get married. He could have stayed single if he really wanted to be available for both gals.

 

Your sense of a boundary is non existent and down right frightening... not to mention selfish and self serving.

 

[]

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[xoswtdreamsxo]

Really? How about honesty and commitment and respect? How about vows that two people take? How about respecting that boundary?

 

No one forced him to get married. He could have stayed single if he really wanted to be available for both gals.

 

Your sense of a boundary is non existent and down right frightening... not to mention selfish and self serving.

 

[]

 

[] I'm sticking to what I said. Getting married in the first place is the issue in today's society as is labeled relationships because they are all about possession and unrealistic ideals/ethics. There are 1 billion people on Earth and people decide to stick to 1 for the rest of their lives and you have the audacity to shake your head at me.. Interesting.. but I said what I said. If 2 people like each other, go for it.. "married" or not...

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[jenkins95]

Getting married in the first place is the issue in today's society as is labeled relationships because they are all about possession and unrealistic ideals/ethics.

 

There may be some truth in what you say here and I find that debate an interesting one.

 

But the fact is, this particular man discussed in this particular thread DID sign up for it - his choice. If he shared the ethics you described, then no problem! But he doesn't (or at least didn't). He is therefore off limits and NOT fair game. Anyone pursuing him knows that in doing so they are aiding in the lying to, cheating of and destruction of another woman and possibly family.

 

There are over SEVEN billion people on earth, a huge proportion of which are single and/or share your ethics. No shortage of choice. Target these guys, leave the ones who have chosen marriage well alone.

[xoswtdreamsxo]

There may be some truth in what you say here and I find that debate an interesting one.

 

But the fact is, this particular man discussed in this particular thread DID sign up for it - his choice. If he shared the ethics you described, then no problem! But he doesn't (or at least didn't). He is therefore off limits and NOT fair game. Anyone pursuing him knows that in doing so they are aiding in the lying to, cheating of and destruction of another woman and possibly family.

 

There are over SEVEN billion people on earth, a huge proportion of which are single and/or share your ethics. No shortage of choice. Target these guys, leave the ones who have chosen marriage well alone.

 

[]

 

I don't disagree with what you've said. I think the guy is wrong since he chose to get married. Where me and you part ways is that whoever is seeing this guy who is married, isn't married and therefore shouldn't be held accountable for anything. He is the one doing wrong. (Lying). His marriage is not the OWs business. I know a few people who do wrong, aside from marriage but I don't make it my concern to rat them out. It's not my business. I think it comes down to a differing of ethics and what one thinks is right/wrong.

 

 

As far as the marriage thing goes -- If I see a guy I like and he likes me back, we will do what we will do --married or not. It takes two to tango. How could I regard something I do not believe in?

 

That's like telling a Christian not to eat pork because Allah said it was wrong. It makes no sense.. and if that guy is married and is willing to cheat -- Well, he doesn't really have any ethics, either. He just claims to because he wants to feel like what society deems a good person... but obviously his actions speak louder than his words. (.. and his marriage.)

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Vivir]

xo, you have an interesting perspective. I imagine it is quite freeing to get rid of that [societal rules, societal acceptance (of relationship norms)] box, as opposed to living in it or thinking outside of it. I tried that to some degree when I was trying really hard to rationalize and justify my affair.

 

I wish I could've honestly (without force) felt and/or thought the way you do, because that would mean that I wouldn't have had to do this ridiculously difficult thing in ejecting someone I cared about from my life in order to preserve my sanity.

 

You will find that a lot of problems that have dire consequences involve people clashing over their strongly held beliefs. A very good example of this is left- versus right-wing activists in the U.S. It is the same when people who honestly think like you do involve themselves with people who think, or pretend to think, the opposite. Just know, despite our ideals, when action is involved, consequences are real.

 

Please forgive me, CorS, if this post is a threadjack

[Vivir]

I don't disagree with what you've said. I think the guy is wrong since he chose to get married. Where me and you part ways is that whoever is seeing this guy who is married, isn't married and therefore shouldn't be held accountable for anything. He is the one doing wrong. (Lying). His marriage is not the OWs business.

 

I think it comes down to a differing of ethics and what one thinks is right/wrong.

 

 

As far as the marriage thing goes -- If I see a guy I like and he likes me back, we will do what we will do --married or not. It takes two to tango. How could I regard something I do not believe in?

 

xo, in addition to my post above, I would like to say that I am currently having a hard time understanding the point of marriage and the role of the wife... I actually bought books to read to help me understand this particular institution and this role

 

BUT serious question: If you view the MP as "wrong" and a "liar" how do you reconcile involving yourself with such a person?

 

A lot of people view the OW/OM as aiding and abetting the MP. You, and a lot of other people, disagree. Fair enough. This is one of those clashes I wrote about earlier.

 

I personally advise against people - especially single people - getting involved with committed others, because they are likely to get hurt by the other person AND hurt themselves very badly as their feelings and regular involvement with the other person increases.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Vivir

[William]

Two main items in this directive....

 

1. The thread title was altered to reflect the topical material, being in love with a married man, and to move away from inviting rude or off-topic commentary. Moderation cannot change the thread starter's username but we will direct members to refrain from using it as basis for commentary. Focus on the topical material.

 

2. In all responses, even if/when quoting another member, remain focused on the topic, which is the thread starter's relationship issue, and treat all members with the utmost of respect and civility even if/when disagreeing with their opinion.

 

Thanks!