Mixed feelings, confused, and feeling down about my LDR.

[lost2]

Hey guys, this is my first post here so please bear with any spelling mistakes or if I dont really know how to post.

 

A little background first:

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now, she had been with other guys before, and it was my first girlfriend. Even though I had never been with a woman before, I still did my level best to do everything I could. Randomly buy her flowers, write letters, open doors, do cute things, just anything to show her that I really do care about her. We spent everyday of our summer together, we were both 16. We did everything together and we were inseperable. She would do anything for me and I would do the same no matter what.

I come from an orthodox indian family and she comes from an all american family. At first my mother did not approve but once she got to know my girlfriend she liked her a lot.

Our relationship was like fire, we just would not want to be without each other for more than 2 days. I used to sneak over at 4 am to make breakfast for no reason and she would come to all my boxing and wrestling matches and practices no matter what; she would bring my favorite drinks and snacks.

Everyday we would tell each other how much in love we were. It seemed like I had finally found my dream girl.

After 8 or 9 months, for a reason I cant even give, I broke up with her. To this day I dont know why I did it, but i just felt weird about how things were going. We were both devastated, she couldnt understand why and she was extremely hurt. I was hurting too but she seemed to slowly slip into depression telling people that I was the perfect guy for her and she cant move on. We were on and off about 8 times during a month and a half, a really really bad time for both of us. I just didnt know what was wrong with us but i couldnt put my finger on it. Maybe it was the fact that I had never seen what else was out there or she was holding me down; whatever it was, i still dont know why till today. During the break up I saw a different side of her. She was really stubborn and wasnt what i thought she was originally.

We then got back together and all was well, we went back to planning marriage and what we would do during college. (I was a senior and she was a junior). How we wanted 6 kids, a nice house; everything the usual high school sweethearts plan together

Where I come from, my family is a very very big family with more then 30 people, and all are traditional indian. Rowdy, emotional, firey, fun, happy, but very traditional. Back in India they are very very rich and influential and they dont know about her. I told her one day that I wanted to go to India to study, and for a week she was sad, very understandable. We decided to make it work. She asked me to propose and show her to my entire family. I said no because they would outcast me for proposing at 17 and showboating a girl around without even bringing down a paycheck. I explained to her that it was best if we went abut things slowly when it came to introducing her to my family. On top of that i think that i am blinded by emotion, but when i am normal i know that im not ready to get married yet.

Now I am in india studying, and she and i talk everyday on the webber and recently I have begun to have second thoughts of being with this woman. She is wonderful, but I dont know what it is im just not ready for that kind of comittment. I KNOW if i tell her she will flip out and cry and all that. I think we both have a long way to mature, but she thinks that she is ready and will jump at it. She wants to be together forever and sometimes it scares me. I do have some of the same feelings she does, but they are always mixed. Why do i want to be with her one day and not not be with her another day? Usually we have never had bad fights, but recently we have had a fight once a week where she hangs up on me or leaves. (We promised we'd never do that). I try to tell her that I think she needs to experience life more, but then she says im treating her like a baby or that im going to break up with her. Often times i feel like i am obligated to stay with her just to keep her alive. Its as if, if she broke up with me i would be able to move on, but she would not be able to move on if i left her. I dont think i want to get married yet, and I dont know if she is the girl for me. She blames me for moving away, but I dont want to put my career on hold because I am young. (17) I started first year of med school and its awesome, im glad I made the right decision.

My mom and her are not on good terms now, my mom is very very opinionated and headstrong. My gf was shopping with us and she got mad at me and left. She just left and we had no clue where she was. my mom was worried sick and was very distressed, she treated my gf better than my sister most of the times. My gf had called her brother and gotten a ride home, but we didnt know that until we searched the whole place for an hour. After that my mom has been sour when she talks about her. She has seen us fight and she said that recently she doesnt like the way my gf is treating me. My gf will not talk to her about it because she thinks she didnt do anything wrong, and she gets mad at me when I take advice from my mom. Im most asian countries your parents get the most respect in the family, and what advice they give is taken with extreme respect. I notice my GF hates this and calls me a mamas boy. She told me she deserves to have the same respect as my mom. My mom is used to the US, but she was a very big person back home, and she doesnt like how my gf is trying to compete with her. I told them both im staying out and my gfs dad told me that was the best idea because i have nothing to do with it.

When my gf talks to me she says that I am not defending her and she isnt dating me to have me treat her like ****. We are having a culture clash, but if you saw the way i was with her you would think i was brought up in the same house as her. I really think the culture gap is hurting us big time. Im having second thoughts about this relationship and I dont know what to do.

Is something wrong with me? Can any females help explain why she is acting the way she is? Can some guys give me some advice on how to handle myself?

[TnT]

Well, the first thing i thought about when i read this was my past relationship. OK, so firstly, u guys are very young. I was in a relationship with my first bf for 5.5 yrs, we were just like u and ur gf, we bought a house, lived together for 3 yrs, then got engaged. One morning i woke up and realised what i was doing. I was 23, about to be married, never been with anyone else and things just didnt seem right. I didnt explore all of what life had to offer me, and thats when i broke up with him. I felt really guilty at the time and he didnt understand that the world is such a big place, and i wanted to explore the life god has given me. He was very much a homebody. He didnt want to travel, or do new things etc etc. So we changed, i think i changed more than anything, but it broke us up.

I think its important that when u r young to do whatever it is u want to do and not be held back by another person. She needs to understand the culture u have and accept your parents for who they are and what they believe. I hate to say this, but she sounds like a typical spoilt american girl (I am Australian BTW, and have lived here my entire life) Anyhow, i think she might be acting this way cos she is insecure about herself, she might also be jelous of what u r doing and where u r going in life.

At the end of the day, if u r with someone who treats u like crap, hangs up on u and argues with u about nothing, then there is no point in being with them. She obviously has some issue which she needs to work on. I think u need to tell her that if she doesnt start treating u better then u r going to break up with her cos its not fair on u to have to deal with her like that. If she cared about u and loved u, then she wouldnt be acting like a child.

But, like i say, u r both very young, and i guess its hard to understand that there is so many ppl out there who will treat u better when u r blinded by the love u have for this one person.

Pls let me know how it all goes, i wish u nothing but the best and hope u find what it is thats going to make u happy.

[lost2]

Hey TnT,

 

thanks a lot for the help.

i talked to her and i told her that i didnt like how she was treating me sometimes and that i am not ready to get married. She immediately got pretty defensive and was clearly upset. I would even tell that she was upset by an AIM conversation.

I decided to let her think abut what i said and she is more understanding, but says she is taken aback. She isnt saying I love you very much and she said she doesnt want to talk about marriage anymore. I know this is what i wanted originally, but it seems like i broke her or something.

 

I guess time will tell, when shes ready for college im pretty sure the real world will prompt her to be more mature and realistic, even though she already is. I dont think it will last if we are both in different countries, in different atmospheres, cultures, and especially at different colleges. For both of us i know thats going to be pretty hard to accept, i sure as hell know that she hasnt accepted that yet. I just dont know how to cope with that yet.

 

Ive heard that one of the biggest reasons couples break up is because of their relationship with their in laws...

 

feels like i have an uphill battle.