Wow Can't Believe I'm Posting But Here Goes

[Just a Guy]

Hi Merrmeade, you just did what you said you wouldn't do, suggest the 180 to the OP. In any case it is good you did because that is his only path to recover his self respect. In his place I would just ambush the wife with filing for divorce after getting my so called ducks in a row. If he thinks he has enough evidence then the OP does not need yo confront his wife and get into a lot of drama. Unless of course he still has hopes of reconciling with his WW. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.

[merrmeade]

Hi Merrmeade, you just did what you said you wouldn't do, suggest the 180 to the OP. In any case it is good you did because that is his only path to recover his self respect. In his place I would just ambush the wife with filing for divorce after getting my so called ducks in a row. If he thinks he has enough evidence then the OP does not need yo confront his wife and get into a lot of drama. Unless of course he still has hopes of reconciling with his WW. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.

Yes, I did suggest the 180 but that is far from being a useful explanation of HOW to do it. It's easy enough to explain the theory behind it, quite another to tel someone how to do it.

[Dazedandconfused05]

There's a lot of twists and turns going on, I'll keep your posted. But what do you mean by 180?

[Clay]

180 is a plan to detach. It is a path of allowing you to separate yourself from her and any other toxic people in your life. There are some really good web sites on it. Just google 180 and infidelity in the same search.

 

Good for you for taking a stand. I am not good at the long game on these things too. I would rather be single than someone even have a EA.

 

Keep a var on you and document everything you can.

 

C

[Clay]

Oh and one more thing. Never threaten to leave or divorce unless your really going to follow through with it. Once you show a cheater you will cave they will play you every chance they can get.

 

I would also tell her you don't trust anything she says so if she wants this to work out a poly will be in the near future.

[BarbedFenceRider]

yup, beta holding down the homefront. WW is out riding the carousel, with training given to the daughter. Outstanding! I'm so sorry you have to find out this way. But drop kicking this bad habit out of your life will be one of the BEST things in it now. She has no respect for you. Doesn't love you one bit. Even her mother condones the behavior. Give me a break! What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot. Kick her out!

[Space Ritual]

Dday today. I'm in too much pain to continue like this. I'm going to confront her with everything I have, (which is quite a bit), and tell her if she doesn't come clean I'm leaving for good. I'm going to need to know who she's had sex with, who's she's made out with, everything for the past 35 years. I expect a lot of yelling, screaming, cursing, and denials. I imagine I'll be spending tonight in a hotel. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated.

 

None of this will work. She has no respect for you and will probably only admit to what she thinks you know. Don't waste your time.

 

Your wife already sees you as weak and pathetic. Delivering an ultimatum will backfire, for that reason alone. She will probably laugh in your face as she knows she has your sack in her hope chest.

 

Don't even bother with some high drama confrontation. Just see a Lawyer, file, and offer to drop her off at her boyfriend's house. Tell her you'll help her pack.

 

I mean, after all, you want her to be happy, right? Apparently this other guy makes her happy. Just step aside without protest. Offer to drive her over to her boyfriend's house, Tell her to make sure that it's alright with the guy's wife, because you are not a Taxi and you are not making multiple stops to aid her in her journey. She is going to one destination...and that's as far away from you as possible.

[NeoDude]

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

 

Also, do a search for "MarriedRedPill Reddit". It's a bit extreme in places but it certainly did wonders for my marriage.

[usa1ah]

Hey DC05, how did things go?

[Ana-Iva]

Record your conversation with her if you expect violence to be able to prove that you did not cause anything.

Also, it might be good in court if you need to prove what kind of person you lived with.

 

Do not believe a thing she says! She will deny to the bitter end, tell you trickle truths, etc. Like the rest of cheaters.

 

She does not seem to appreciate you. She might say she does, but rather look at what she is doing and listen to your gut feeling, not your hope...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dazed, it's been a while since you last posted. You were planning on confronting your wife with the facts that you had but had been advised not to do so but instead put the 180 in place or offer to help your WW pack and then offer to drop her off at her BF's place. What did you finally do or didn't do? I do hope for your sake that you did something proactive to get out of infidelity. Living in infidelity is no way to live unless you subscribe to the new age fad of alternative lifestyles. Wish you the best.

[wmacbride]

This. OP, It's sickening the way cheating is encouraged among the women in your family. Your daughter has also been taught that cheating is fine and that's a sign of very deep dysfunction.

 

My mother and I are not close but we both agree that cheating is gross.

 

You need to leave your wife. She doesn't deserve you. Let her carry on with as many men as she wants without you in the picture.

 

This post really sums it up.

 

Op, I am a spouse who reconciled with her wh, and I am a big fan of reconciliation, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't even bother trying.

 

Somewhere along the way, the women in your wife's family began to feel entitled to cheat. The excuse your mother in law gave that your wife is attractive so men are going to hit on her is one of the most asinine excuses I have ever heard.

 

You know what? Almost every woman gets hit on, married or not. Hell, even with my twisty back and intense lack of social skills I still get hit on all the time...and that doesn't make one iota of difference. It is no excuse for cheating. I try and take it as a compliment, accept the little boost of self esteem, tell the guy I am flattered but not interested and then go home to my husband. I tell him about it, we talk about it, an that's the extent of it.

 

I am definitely no special snowflake when it comes to this. As I said, almost every married woman gets hit on, but that is no excuse for cheating.

 

The fact that your mother in law and daughter both see a woman cheating as acceptable says to me that your wife is likley not capable of changing. The behavior is too ingrained. To stop, she would have to completely go against her nature and upbringing, and I don't think she's capable of that.

 

In your shoes, my first stop would be a lawyers office. Make that call today. Do not wait. Do it NOW. Find out where you stand legally and start getting your ducks in a row. DO NOT tell your wife or anyone you can't trust 100 about this. Once you and your attorney are satisfied that you are on good footing, have her served with divorce papers.

 

As the saying goes, when it comes to your wife, for now, be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. Women like her can get absolutely vicious if they feel cornered. She may try every dirty trick in the book, and I really don't believe she will ever feel she did anything wrong.

 

If she does find out you are standing up for yourself, she may well become even nastier than she is right now. If that happens ( and even if it doesn't) I would highly suggest you keep a VAR in your pocket if you have to be around her. That way, you will CYA if she tries to pull the old " he put his hands on me" line to try and put you in a bad light. Don't let her do that to you.

 

Sorry for the long post, and I am even sorrier that she is treating you this way. It sounds like you have been a faithful husband who has treated her well. She obviously doesn't appreciate you, and you can do so much better. Let her wallow around in the filth she's created if that is what she wants to do, but don't let her drag you down with her.

[Robert]

Seems the thread starter hasn't been around in a couple of weeks, if they show back up and would like to have the thread opened then alert on mypost and we will do so, thanks