Tomasina Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Hi all...new to this site...and probably just questioning a subject that probably comes up often, but I just felt like.... Lonely! Not just tonight, its a frequent occurence. I dont live in fairy land where I expect being in a relationship for 19 years will be all flowers and unicorns....but is there at any point that you feel its a sign to move on? My partner works from home and I work full time. So its not like we live in each others pockets, and we both have our own hobbies. And I get it that when at home he wants his own space, as do I. But he will spend the evening watching telly in another room, he will sometimes join me later in the night...but by this stage he is falling asleep. Then the biggest annoyance is he is constantly on his phone....facebook etc...again, I wouldnt mind occasionsally but its constant! He is 55, don't get me wrong or judge me, but I expect this from.a teenager. I have talked to him about this but he just disregards my concerns or we end up arguing. Our sex life is not very good either...I am 8 years younger than him, and enjoy sex but he is always tired. He says I do not initiate it, I used to quite a bit....bit a girl can only take so many rejections!! We now basically have sex when he feels like it, which is always first thing in the morning every 4/5 weeks if i am lucky. By no way am I blaming all of this on him, but from a guys perspective, would you think he has just had enough of me and the excitement has gone? If any of this is familiar do you carry on as is, or is this 'the' sign its doomed. He says he loves me, when I ask..its never said spontaneously. He doesnt even kiss me anymore unless i ask, and then its just a peck. God as write this I am hearing how bad things are, but again, after 19 years am I asking too much? I think I still love him, but feeling so unloved and unwanted some days, I just feel numb about the "love" part of it all. Sorry for waffling on....appreciate any feedback....or just tell me to stop whining! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Do you have GFs? Plan activities with them. Volunteer somewhere doing something you enjoy. It won't fix your husband but it may help ease your loneliness. Link to post Share on other sites
chinadiary Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 He sounds a bit like me, to be honest. I spend far too much time online and like my own company. I'm a similar age to him. Has he always been like this, or is it recent? He could be having a mid life crisis or could be depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 It's sounds like he has become very comfortable in the relationship and he's not putting much effort into anything anymore. I would not be very happy either... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 He sounds a bit like me, to be honest. I spend far too much time online and like my own company. I'm a similar age to him. Has he always been like this, or is it recent? He could be having a mid life crisis or could be depressed. Cheers...no..its not new...and he does have a history of depression, hence my reason for backing off as much as I can. Frustrates me when he wont seek help for his depression. And i like my own space too, but at least I show him affection when we are together. Can I ask, do you still love your wife/partner and does she express similar concerns to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 Do you have GFs? Plan activities with them. Volunteer somewhere doing something you enjoy. It won't fix your husband but it may help ease your loneliness. Hi, thanks for your reply...its not so much that I am lonely and have nothing to occupy my time...its the loneliness I am feeling between my relationship with my partner. Does that make sense? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 It's sounds like he has become very comfortable in the relationship and he's not putting much effort into anything anymore. I would not be very happy either... No...Im. not. I dont want to wake up in 10 years and find I have wasted all my efforts trying to save what we have to discover he is just sticking at this as he doesn't want to be alone. But I feel alone in this relationship. GRRRRR! I supppse whacking him over the head with a huge stick would be seen as abuse????? Link to post Share on other sites
chinadiary Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Cheers...no..its not new...and he does have a history of depression, hence my reason for backing off as much as I can. Frustrates me when he wont seek help for his depression. And i like my own space too, but at least I show him affection when we are together. Can I ask, do you still love your wife/partner and does she express similar concerns to you? I did, but I was dumped a few months ago. He also suffered from depression though, which could be hard. But he still liked affection and sex. Depression is a horrible thing. And men are notoriously reluctant to get help with it. I guess all you can do, is let him know you love him, show him affection, and then do what you have to, to keep your own quality of life good. Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Are you familiar with the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome"? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome Ask your husband to read this link or other articles on the subject. Instead of a huge fight, prepare a short, precise, and to the point message telling him (or better yet, send it to him via Facebook) that you are considering leaving: give a few examples of what he is doing and what that is making you feel. Some of these men, don't have the slightest clue--they are comfortable, but sadly as the article suggests, many of these men make great second husbands after they get a real wake up call seeing their first wives walk away. If you are ready to leave; tell him what you have been going through and that it's too late now. If you are wiling to give him a chance (that is if he is wiling to try), give him a wake up call--make him understand how close you are to ending things. If he doesn't change at that point--well, you have your answers. Link to post Share on other sites
chinadiary Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Are you familiar with the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome"? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome Ask your husband to read this link or other articles on the subject. Instead of a huge fight, prepare a short, precise, and to the point message telling him (or better yet, send it to him via Facebook) that you are considering leaving: give a few examples of what he is doing and what that is making you feel. Some of these men, don't have the slightest clue--they are comfortable, but sadly as the article suggests, many of these men make great second husbands after they get a real wake up call seeing their first wives walk away. If you are ready to leave; tell him what you have been going through and that it's too late now. If you are wiling to give him a chance (that is if he is wiling to try), give him a wake up call--make him understand how close you are to ending things. If he doesn't change at that point--well, you have your answers. So true. 100%. If my husband had changed like the article says, I'd be there now. His 2nd wife is lucky. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Hi, thanks for your reply...its not so much that I am lonely and have nothing to occupy my time...its the loneliness I am feeling between my relationship with my partner. Does that make sense? Yes that is a different kind of loneliness. My husband is a man cave dweller too. At least once per week he agrees to come out & talk to me. He's also better on vacation so we try to take frequent weekends out of town. They don't have to be expensive. Granted we're close to NYC but anywhere will do. I'll go on some blind site & book a "cheap" 4 star hotel room Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 26, 2017 Author Share Posted November 26, 2017 Are you familiar with the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome"? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome Ask your husband to read this link or other articles on the subject. Instead of a huge fight, prepare a short, precise, and to the point message telling him (or better yet, send it to him via Facebook) that you are considering leaving: give a few examples of what he is doing and what that is making you feel. Some of these men, don't have the slightest clue--they are comfortable, but sadly as the article suggests, many of these men make great second husbands after they get a real wake up call seeing their first wives walk away. If you are ready to leave; tell him what you have been going through and that it's too late now. If you are wiling to give him a chance (that is if he is wiling to try), give him a wake up call--make him understand how close you are to ending things. If he doesn't change at that point--well, you have your answers. Thanks for your reply. I read the article, it didn't fully describe my experience really. I have sat down with him on several occasions and talked about how his actions made be feel, at the same time admitting my faults that I was aware that he wasnt enjoying either. He really doesnt want to explore feelings much, and I accept that's part of his nature. I don't necessarily like it, but I can' t change that. I have told him I get that, but that now and again I need a little more either verbal or non verbal assurrances that he still loves me. He just responds in telling me I'm being silly, and I respond by saying maybe its silly to you but it's what I need....so you see I do try. I have also at times when I am feeling really low, write to him (via messenger of course coz I know he reads it lol),pouring my heart out to him basically...... But he doesnt even respond. Im not the type of person to give up easily....I guess Im just after an answer only HE can give me. But thanks trying to help. Btw....I AM his second wife �� Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 26, 2017 Author Share Posted November 26, 2017 Yes that is a different kind of loneliness. My husband is a man cave dweller too. At least once per week he agrees to come out & talk to me. He's also better on vacation so we try to take frequent weekends out of town. They don't have to be expensive. Granted we're close to NYC but anywhere will do. I'll go on some blind site & book a "cheap" 4 star hotel room Its hard isnt it? I find my husband is totally different when we go away too...so I try to get away for a weekend with him when we can manage it....so at least I have these occasions to remind me there is something still there....thank you for reminding me of that ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 26, 2017 Author Share Posted November 26, 2017 (edited) Cheers...no..its not new...and he does have a history of depression, hence my reason for backing off as much as I can. Frustrates me when he wont seek help for his depression. And i like my own space too, but at least I show him affection when we are together. Can I ask, do you still love your wife/partner and does she express similar concerns to you? Firstly I apologise in assuming you were the husband! I have read into the depression side of thngs in regards to relationships....and one of the things I have learnt is to avoid putting pressure on them in particular their negative qualities...so I do try to tread carefully. But then some days I am like a bull in a china shop and then I just cant control what comes out of my mouth!! Im only human..but I feel like **** afterwards. Does your episodes of depression shut out the love part, or is it just you can't even get your mind in a place where its even relevant?? Does any of that make sense? I would really like to understand how he may be feeling. I apologise if that question is too intimate or intrusive... No need to answer if you dont want to....I will not take offence. Edited November 26, 2017 by Tomasina Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Hi all...new to this site...and probably just questioning a subject that probably comes up often, but I just felt like.... Lonely! Not just tonight, its a frequent occurence. I dont live in fairy land where I expect being in a relationship for 19 years will be all flowers and unicorns....but is there at any point that you feel its a sign to move on? My partner works from home and I work full time. So its not like we live in each others pockets, and we both have our own hobbies. And I get it that when at home he wants his own space, as do I. But he will spend the evening watching telly in another room, he will sometimes join me later in the night...but by this stage he is falling asleep. Then the biggest annoyance is he is constantly on his phone....facebook etc...again, I wouldnt mind occasionsally but its constant! He is 55, don't get me wrong or judge me, but I expect this from.a teenager. I have talked to him about this but he just disregards my concerns or we end up arguing. Our sex life is not very good either...I am 8 years younger than him, and enjoy sex but he is always tired. He says I do not initiate it, I used to quite a bit....bit a girl can only take so many rejections!! We now basically have sex when he feels like it, which is always first thing in the morning every 4/5 weeks if i am lucky. By no way am I blaming all of this on him, but from a guys perspective, would you think he has just had enough of me and the excitement has gone? If any of this is familiar do you carry on as is, or is this 'the' sign its doomed. He says he loves me, when I ask..its never said spontaneously. He doesnt even kiss me anymore unless i ask, and then its just a peck. God as write this I am hearing how bad things are, but again, after 19 years am I asking too much? I think I still love him, but feeling so unloved and unwanted some days, I just feel numb about the "love" part of it all. Sorry for waffling on....appreciate any feedback....or just tell me to stop whining! A lot of us feel that way and are in a similar boat. Did you mention whether you are married to him and have kids or you are in a relationship for 19years and thats it. Anyways, based on what you wrote, me - a guys interpretation is, you are in a relationship/marrige with someone who is not in love with you. which is not that unusual. many people are in marriages and relationships with partners they are not "in love" with in the fairy tale sort of way. now back to the numbers. so he is in his mid 50s and you are in your mid 40s? its not that unusual for people to have less sex at that stage. it sounds like he is the one that controls when and where you have sex and you dont have a say in it. a lack of constant sex does not necessarily mean "he has had enough of you". it could also mean he is low(er) sex drive. but rejection and constant rejection are something that stings and every time it happens a little bit you your love for someone fades. if he is constantly rejecting you, and if it makes you feel like the above, perhaps it might be good to try to voice that somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 27, 2017 Author Share Posted November 27, 2017 Thanks for the feedback and especially from a male perspective. Kids are 25 snd 22, both left home. And not expecting 'fairy tale' love either. I do get his sex drive is lower and we do talk about it..well..I try to....he is saying im being silly and I can have it whenever. And again, i dont think I am demanding anything....I guess it comes down to the fact that I feel he isn't wanting me....just guess i need to work out is it me he has lost interest in, or just a combination of his own feelings and low self esteem that is the problem. I want to be there for him, support him through what's bothering him. From a guys perspective, and this may not be easy to answer, as you may or may not have episodes of depression....and I know no 2 people are the same....but should I just back off completely for now and give him more time.....or do you think Im flogging a dead horse? I don't want to be that person that hangs around desperate for "scraps of affection" to be chucked my way when he feels the need......but then" I dont want to kick a man when he is down either by walking away. Wouldn't it be great if you were a magic fairy with all the answers lol! Might just go and find a magic lamp as a back up ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tomasina Posted November 27, 2017 Author Share Posted November 27, 2017 Oh..forgot to answer your first question....we have been together 19 years. He doesn't want to get married....only a piece of paper he reckons...he's sounding charming isnt he! ?? Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 I feel your pain, I’ve been hurting a long time, been with my husband 25+ years, married, no kids. Both in our late 40’s, I think to myself all the time that I feel like I’m married to a teenager. My husband is so addicted to video games, no FB or any social media, just gaming. He spends all his time in his garage (mancave), we basically live like room mates. I too feel horribly lonely in my marriage and have had countless conversations and a lot of tears, it’s never an argument though, he knows what he’s doing and always feels bad about it, but it never changes, he wastes hours and hours playing, it’s been 4 years now with the gaming addiction and not sure I can take much longer, I don’t want to throw away 25 years but this is making me so unhappy. He’s fine when we go do things together, I feel like I’m a pretty dang good wife, stay in good shape, work, cook, do 75% housework, I take good care of him, I feel so unappreciated and disconnected anymore:( Link to post Share on other sites
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