Update/How To Show Restraint Not Cheat

[Cloudednconfused]

Hi all. I posted a few months ago here about a situation I have been going through at a new job. To recap, I have now been at this job for a little under 6 months. I have huge crush on one of the managers here who I have now almost 99% confirmed also feels the same. We see each other more often now as I got a promotion (not from him but my boss) that requires me to travel out of state with him sometimes.

 

Over the last couple of months we have become more comfortable around each other. He's told me that he is more open and honest with me compared to how he communicates with other employees. We go out for drinks sometimes after work but he is very nonchalant about it so it does not come off as him asking me out on a date. More like we are going to happy hour to discuss work topics. We end up bar hopping and talking about our past relationships and how it is being single and playing the field. I see a hint of jealousy in his expression when he asks about previous men I have dated.

 

Recently, one of the accounting guys in our office made a comment to me that made me feel like he had discussed manager and I being "a good fit". Like he and manager have an inside joke about he and I getting together. When I asked him about this he laughed and flirting-ly commented that he probably just said that because he and I are both good looking single people.

 

I am not single. Everyone in my office and even the out of state offices think that I am because of what I said in my last post. I don't bring up my relationship at work for a few reasons I don't want to get into but the main one is because I don't want it to reflect badly on me that I am dating a woman (sadly, we live in a very small and non progressive town in the midwest where this is still looked down upon). Getting closer to his man has made me even more unhappy than I was before with my relationship. I really care about this girl and don't want to hurt her but we haven't been making each other happy for a while and now I worry about this being the catalyst to the end of our relationship. If she were willing to match the effort that I have put into the relationship over the years I wouldn't find it this hard to control myself around this guy but being around him and feeling desired by someone again is blinding me to the fact that I am walking a tight rope right now and it's only a matter of time before I do something stupid.

 

The last time I went out with him we stayed out until almost 5 am and when I went home my girlfriend was livid (rightfully so). I told her that we had a happy hour gathering at my bosses house 3 towns away and I didn't want to drive home after drinking a lot. I felt terrible at first because it feels like I am already (at least emotionally) cheating on her. But the more stale things get at home the more I start to feel numb to this and have already begun to make excuses for myself (I'm still young I should be able to go out and have drinks...I never do anything fun for myself let me live a little..) I need someone to slap me out of this and quick. At this point, is quitting this job and getting as far away from this man the best thing to do? I can't think clearly. Any help is appreciated.

[Space Ritual]

The potential cheating aside....

 

Look,

 

Messing about with the hired help is usually a bad idea in the business environment.

 

Of course they have an inside joke about you. The opportunity presented itself to this guy because the old cliche line is still applicable:

 

"Perception is Reality".

 

So Scuttlebutt is that you are provably hooking up with at least one of the guys at work. Does not matter if it is true or not. Anyone that has observed your interaction with the males in the office and comes to this conclusion will NOT keep it to themselves.

 

Best course of action is to NOT socialize with anyone from work, outside of work. You will never go wrong that way.

 

Case in Point. I am 53 . At my job there are female employees that are very young and I mean 19 or 20. I do my level best to have as little communication with them as possible, but when I do they make remarks like "Space, you are so cute..Space, you are so handsome for your age"...stuff like that. I don't want to even think about whether they are kidding me, joking with me or not.

 

I do not even reply or even acknowledge anything was said, because I am always and I mean ALWAYS worried that something I say in a work environment will be misconstrued.

 

It is because years ago I was accused of Sexual Harassment in the workplace. Went through the whole Suspension, having to prove to my superiors it never happened..the whole shebang. It ever mattered that I was able to prove that the accusations were unfounded. Since I didn't put everyone on Blast after I came back to work after being exonerated that "I didn't do anything and it was all a farce",

 

So since people didn't ask me when I came back, people assumed either i pulled some strings or something else to get my job back. And that "obviously since i was accused of it I obviously did it".

 

It did not matter...Perception was reality to people at work..and that was where it stayed for the next year until I got a different job.

 

So you can quash this by not going out with co workers, because people talk whether they know what they are talking about or not.

 

As for the other issue with your Girl.

 

Be honest with her If you ave any love or respect for her, have the common decency to let her know so she an decide the direction of her own life.

[Cloudednconfused]

"Perception is Reality".

 

So Scuttlebutt is that you are provably hooking up with at least one of the guys at work. Does not matter if it is true or not. Anyone that has observed your interaction with the males in the office and comes to this conclusion will NOT keep it to themselves.

 

I appreciate your advice regardless of how crappy it feels to hear. In my defense, (there I go again) I make it a point to be totally PC with him at work and don't act any differently around him compared to my other co-workers. I guess it's me trying to justify the situation because I am a younger woman. If I were a man I would be a lot more concerned with the whole sexual harassment thing as sexist and sad as that statement is. As of now all the guys here are respectful (at least to my face) and know that I am a relatively chummy and cheerful person, so I don't think anybody is aware of what is happening. Also, he has mentioned that he has to be on his best behavior at work because he would never want to disappoint our boss. So I don't think he is shouting it from the rooftops either.

 

 

Case in Point. I am 53 . At my job there are female employees that are very young and I mean 19 or 20. I do my level best to have as little communication with them as possible, but when I do they make remarks like "Space, you are so cute..Space, you are so handsome for your age"...stuff like that. I don't want to even think about whether they are kidding me, joking with me or not.

 

May I ask, at any point would this behavior break you especially if it was coming from a really attractive woman? I think I'm struggling with this because I crave the attention I once got from my girlfriend and you know what they say, persistence pays off. This man is really handsome so I worry that if I stay in this job and he keeps flirting with me no matter how hard I try to stop myself I will give in. Sigh, clearly I am just immature and lack the life experience to deal with something like this. The relationship I am in right now is the only one I have ever been in so I have nothing to compare it to.

[stillafool]

I would suggest you not get involved with men or women you work with. They are already making inside jokes about you. Do you want a bad reputation? Also does it matter if the new attention comes from a man when it is women you like? Play outside of work before you end up in trouble or get someone else in trouble. Just not good at all.

[stillafool]

I appreciate your advice regardless of how crappy it feels to hear. In my defense, (there I go again) I make it a point to be totally PC with him at work and don't act any differently around him compared to my other co-workers. I guess it's me trying to justify the situation because I am a younger woman. If I were a man I would be a lot more concerned with the whole sexual harassment thing as sexist and sad as that statement is. As of now all the guys here are respectful (at least to my face) and know that I am a relatively chummy and cheerful person, so I don't think anybody is aware of what is happening. Also, he has mentioned that he has to be on his best behavior at work because he would never want to disappoint our boss. So I don't think he is shouting it from the rooftops either.

 

That is because he knows he could get in trouble. Leave the guy alone.

 

 

 

 

May I ask, at any point would this behavior break you especially if it was coming from a really attractive woman? I think I'm struggling with this because I crave the attention I once got from my girlfriend and you know what they say, persistence pays off. This man is really handsome so I worry that if I stay in this job and he keeps flirting with me no matter how hard I try to stop myself I will give in. Sigh, clearly I am just immature and lack the life experience to deal with something like this. The relationship I am in right now is the only one I have ever been in so I have nothing to compare it to.

 

It doesn't take experience to know to avoid this situation it takes discipline and that is what you lack. You know exactly what you are doing.

[ExpatInItaly]

I see two separate issues here, that are now overlapping:

 

1) You are not happy in your relationship and likely need to end it, independent of who is (or isn't) waiting on the other side for you. My guess is that if it weren't this particular man at work, it would eventually be someone else. The underlying problem is that you have lost interest in your relationship. You may indeed have valid reasons to no longer feel committed, but I don't think this specific man is the problem. You need to think very carefully about why you are still with your girlfriend, and whether or not you are willing to work with her in salvaging this. And is she still willing to work with you? She knows something is very wrong, I promise you. I have been in her shoes and it's gut-wrenching.

 

2) Dating a co-worker is always risky business. The risk goes up dramatically when it's someone who is your superior. Workplace ethics and job security aside for a moment, think of how uncomfortable this could get if you did hook up, and then he started ignoring you or rejected any further advances. Or, imagine finding out you're not the only woman at work he's been sweet-talking and flirting with. And yet, you'd still have to see this man and work with him.

 

Or imagine this - you cheat on your girlfriend with this guy, she finds out and opens up about her heartbreak to various people, and word travels (as it tends to do in small towns) that you were in a relationship this whole time. Add to that the fact that it's same-sex, which you've elected to keep to yourself (and fair enough, I get that people are still not that accepting)...and you are putting yourself in the firing line for all kinds of workplace gossip and judgment. The cat might get let out of the bag in ways you cannot control, and the backlash probably won't be too pleasant. Dealing with the prejudice of a same-sex relationship is hard enough in and of itself; if you throw infidelity on top of that, with your manager no less, people are going to be talking about you for a long time to come and this type of rumor-mill fodder could indeed severely compromise your professional reputation.

 

Put a halt to all this flirtation, because you already know where it's heading and it's very likely going to happen in the near future. Figure out if you are ready to end your relationship. Then ask yourself if you are really willing to take the risk of hooking up with your manager.

[Cloudednconfused]

It doesn't take experience to know to avoid this situation it takes discipline and that is what you lack. You know exactly what you are doing.

 

I was referring to lacking experience on dealing with my relationship going stale and starting to develop a connection with someone else. I haven't done anything physical with this man even though I probably could have. I appreciate your input and yeah, maybe I don't have the most discipline but I am trying and reaching out to perfect strangers to try and gain a different perspective.

[Cloudednconfused]

I see two separate issues here, that are now overlapping:

 

You need to think very carefully about why you are still with your girlfriend, and whether or not you are willing to work with her in salvaging this. And is she still willing to work with you? She knows something is very wrong, I promise you. I have been in her shoes and it's gut-wrenching.

 

Thank you so much for your helpful input. I appreciate you giving advice and speaking from experience. I needed to hear that. Last thing I want to do is hurt her. Now if only she would agree to counseling.

 

think of how uncomfortable this could get if you did hook up, and then he started ignoring you or rejected any further advances. Or, imagine finding out you're not the only woman at work he's been sweet-talking and flirting with. And yet, you'd still have to see this man and work with him.

 

I think about this often and it confuses me more. I don't want a relationship with this man. Quite honestly, I think he would make a crummy boyfriend especially considering the things he has told me about his past relationships. He does not have the best track history. I try to remind myself of this all the time. Have looked at countless posts online about how to deter romantic or sexual thoughts about someone and even with all this I still am physically drawn to him and find myself thinking about him a lot.

 

you are putting yourself in the firing line for all kinds of workplace gossip and judgment. The cat might get let out of the bag in ways you cannot control, and the backlash probably won't be too pleasant. Dealing with the prejudice of a same-sex relationship is hard enough in and of itself; if you throw infidelity on top of that, with your manager no less, people are going to be talking about you for a long time to come and this type of rumor-mill fodder could indeed severely compromise your professional reputation.

 

Again, this paints a picture and actually helps. I just can't believe I let myself take this as far as I have and don't know how to bounce back from it. The amount of stress and anxiety I'm feeling without even having taken this to a physical level should be enough to show me that going any further with this will completely ruin my life. Now to find a new job I don't see myself being able to salvage my relationship while having to face the situation at work daily. I think he is a bad influence on me and clouds my otherwise good judgement.

[ExpatInItaly]

Last thing I want to do is hurt her.

You already are. I can remember a couple of very similar nights wondering where exactly my ex was until all hours, and with whom. I slept pretty fitfully, only to wake up and realize he still hadn't come home. That sinking feeling was awful. If your girlfriend is anything like I was, this is already very distressing to her. I can guarantee you she doesn't believe your cover story, and that it plays on her mind a lot.

 

Have looked at countless posts online about how to deter romantic or sexual thoughts about someone and even with all this I still am physically drawn to him and find myself thinking about him a lot.

Going bar-hopping with him isn't helping. You are not doing nearly enough if you are still engaging with him on that level. It is not enough to wish the thoughts away; you have to take far more action.

 

I think he is a bad influence on me and clouds my otherwise good judgement.

That may be true, but again, I don't think the underlying problem is him. It's that you're in an unhappy relationship, and seeking validation and excitement outside of it now. So, even if you find another job, there is still a strong chance something like this will happen again.

 

To be clear, I'm not suggesting your girlfriend is perfect. She might very well be putting up walls which are making it difficult for you to express exactly how deep in danger your relationship actually is. I also sense that you have tried to rebuild the connection with her (you mentioned counselling?) but she has resisted your efforts. That absolutely complicates matters, but it is exactly why you have a difficult decision to make: is this relationship actually salvageable, or is it time to break it off?

[smackie9]

Your infatuation with this guy is what is giving you a poor opinion about your relationship with your GF. Cut this guy out of your life. Stop hanging out together, stop texting, stop talking about personal things, tell the guy you are not single, keep it strictly professional, maybe talk to your boss about changing your position in order to stop traveling with him. Once you wean yourself off of him, things will probably improve in your relationship.

[Space Ritual]

Sigh, clearly I am just immature and lack the life experience to deal with something like this. The relationship I am in right now is the only one I have ever been in so I have nothing to compare it to.

 

No no no...

 

You are not immature at all. Hell,if you read around here long enough you'll see all sorts of people from all walks of life who are married or in a relationship that meets someone at work...and...the rest is history.

 

As much as we want to think otherwise, we cannot help who we are initially attracted to.

 

What we can do help ourselves with, is to step back, breathe a little bit, and ask yourself what at this stage you hope to accomplish in your current relationship when this current distraction is occurring at work? Please consider the risk /reward of continuing your current relationship or seeking something else.

 

It is up to you. Right now YOU do control your destiny. You my be in a bit of an EA at present, but snapping out of it to do some critical thinking right now is a HELL of a lot better than taking a step that you can't come back from and being FORCED to do some critical thinking after irreparable damage has occurred.

 

If you do decide that you want to pursue this with the guy after all the debate in your mind, please at least show a modicum of empathy for your GF by being honest. And if indeed you do leave her, leave her before you physically cross a boundary.

 

I only say that because you have time to make decisions that are what you feel is best for you without earning that foul moniker of Cheater. Being labeled as such sticks with people like a bad meal at a truckstop

 

Good Luck.

[usa1ah]

I appreciate your advice regardless of how crappy it feels to hear. In my defense, (there I go again) I make it a point to be totally PC with him at work and don't act any differently around him compared to my other co-workers. I guess it's me trying to justify the situation because I am a younger woman. If I were a man I would be a lot more concerned with the whole sexual harassment thing as sexist and sad as that statement is. As of now all the guys here are respectful (at least to my face) and know that I am a relatively chummy and cheerful person, so I don't think anybody is aware of what is happening. Also, he has mentioned that he has to be on his best behavior at work because he would never want to disappoint our boss. So I don't think he is shouting it from the rooftops either

 

 

May I ask, at any point would this behavior break you especially if it was coming from a really attractive woman? I think I'm struggling with this because I crave the attention I once got from my girlfriend and you know what they say, persistence pays off. This man is really handsome so I worry that if I stay in this job and he keeps flirting with me no matter how hard I try to stop myself I will give in. Sigh, clearly I am just immature and lack the life experience to deal with something like this. The relationship I am in right now is the only one I have ever been in so I have nothing to compare it to.

 

Or you are ready for another relationship because you know the old one is not going anywhere. The thing is too stop the old one and think a little bit. Clear your head and go from there. Change jobs if you need to but with what is going on right now you need to figure out why it has happened.

[Cloudednconfused]

Your infatuation with this guy is what is giving you a poor opinion about your relationship with your GF. Cut this guy out of your life. Stop hanging out together, stop texting, stop talking about personal things, tell the guy you are not single, keep it strictly professional, maybe talk to your boss about changing your position in order to stop traveling with him. Once you wean yourself off of him, things will probably improve in your relationship.

 

Thank you for bringing this up, I actually think about this a lot. It's like what came first, the chicken or the egg?

 

Is me being unhappy with my relationship making it easy for me to fall into this with this guy, or is this guy making me nit-pick my relationship and see it as being worse than it truly is?

 

I was definitely unhappy about some things before he came into the picture but not enough to feel like we were doomed. Just usual stress factors that I imagine a lot of couples go through and mostly missing that new relationship feeling. I just wish that we could capture that new love honeymoon phase feeling in a bottle and use it as needed. Maybe I am having a quarter life crisis and finding it hard to swallow that this is going to be it for the rest of my life. If I choose to stay with this one person that it. Thanks for the help everyone. I'm giving myself until the end of this week to talk to her about what has been going on and see where it goes

[Space Ritual]

Thank you for bringing this up, I actually think about this a lot. It's like what came first, the chicken or the egg?

 

Is me being unhappy with my relationship making it easy for me to fall into this with this guy, or is this guy making me nit-pick my relationship and see it as being worse than it truly is?

 

I was definitely unhappy about some things before he came into the picture but not enough to feel like we were doomed. Just usual stress factors that I imagine a lot of couples go through and mostly missing that new relationship feeling. I just wish that we could capture that new love honeymoon phase feeling in a bottle and use it as needed. Maybe I am having a quarter life crisis and finding it hard to swallow that this is going to be it for the rest of my life. If I choose to stay with this one person that it. Thanks for the help everyone. I'm giving myself until the end of this week to talk to her about what has been going on and see where it goes

 

thank goodness you are going to try to solve the conundrum instead of going off half cocked and doing something you can't take back

[healing light]

You are not happy in your relationship and likely need to end it, independent of who is (or isn't) waiting on the other side for you.

 

^^ This

 

And if indeed you do leave her, leave her before you physically cross a boundary.

 

^^ And this.