I’m in limbo with my marriage

[Blazedandconfused]

I’m not looking to be beaten down and I know many of you are against cheating. I know I messed up but please don’t attack me, I’m looking for guidance.

 

Long story somewhat short. I cheated on my husband the beginning of the year. We don’t have kids and been married for 5 years. He moved out while we were trying to fix things but I followed him to the new area. He cut off all contact with me for 4 months until I got a call from him saying he missed me. He was surprised I was living in the state and I worked so hard trying to forgive myself and be a better person by going to therapy and improving everything. He told me that he’s slept with others but not interested in seeing anyone seriously.

 

He also comes over to my place and we spend time together a lot, asking if I missed him, that he misses me, and gives some hope that we’re slowly working through things. He lives with a couple of people and the one that I noticed he talk so frequently about happens to be a girl. He told me that she’s constantly trying to hook up but won’t. However I’ve seen that he has spent a lot of time with her, dates, her constantly texting, calling him babe, seeing social media. And he has pictures of her and him and keeps his phone away from me. He says that it has gotten out of hand and she’s constantly trying and he has to live with it because he doesn’t want drama.

 

Then I found out they slept together and I’ve constantly told him to Tell me the truth, otherwise I wouldn’t bother him and file for divorce. He keeps denying it and saying that he cares about her because she’s nice but won’t admit that they’re in a relationship. I ended up confronting him the wrong way and we got into an argument where we haven’t talked for a week. Ive seen that the girl was posting all about him within that week showing a great time, but I also kept getting notifications that he has been signing onto my email account within that time frame, the way he tried checking up on me when d-day happened.

 

I know many of you will say that I have no right to ask and it’s what I get, but I genuinely am trying my hardest to show him that I’m human and I messed up. When he’s with me he would take care of me and act like we were married again but away, it’s his life. I’m so confused and in deep pain. When we’re together we’re happy. I just want to get an outside perspective because I haven’t seen posts about the betraying spouse wanting to do everything and anything to win their spouse’s trust back. Saying that there’s nothing to be done is approaching it with an easy way out and I want to be content that I could say I’ve tried everything before giving up. It’s like I’m living in my own personal hell.

 

So far after that argument, I’ve been trying to not let my emotions get to me and when we hang out, not bring up the girl because I’m not trying to base everything we have on her, rather on us. I stopped talking about marriage problems and it seems like we’re somehwat reconnecting, better than the first time we saw each other after many months. And he hasn’t called her as much as the first time either.

 

It’s just this empty hole in my heart that says that everything is not okay and she’s lingering somewhere out there. Should I continue and act like everything is okay or should I confront again. I’m tying different routes and idk what’s best..

Edited November 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

To save your marriage you both need to give up the outsiders, promise to be faithful & work together with a professional marriage counselor to figure out why your relationship fell apart the first time.

 

If you can't or won't do that, just go see the lawyers & get a divorce.

[PegNosePete]

Then I found out they slept together and I’ve constantly told him to Tell me the truth, otherwise I wouldn’t bother him and file for divorce.

It seems to me that you made your boundary very clear.

 

He stepped over it. He continues to step over it. Talking about it causes fights so you just ignore it and hope it will go away?

 

No, it won't. Now you have to put your money where your mouth is. Time to file. Or if you really really want to save it, you need to ask him if he's IN or OUT, you need one final answer. If he's IN then he has to act like he's 100% in. Otherwise he's out.

[BluesPower]

Let me see...

 

You had an affair, he found out and left, because he actually has a set of balls, which most young guys do not.

 

You FOLLOWED him for whatever reason.

 

And now he is sleeping around and obviously sleeping with this girl and lying to you about it.

 

Now what exactly is your issue? Am I missing something?

[Ronni_W]

but I also kept getting notifications that he has been signing onto my email account

Change your email password and don't give him the new one. He cannot have it both ways and, in any case, you two are not going about it in the usual way, where the accepted thing is for '100% transparency' from the cheater and for him or her to be treated like a child. (Not that I agree with that.)

 

You say, "I found out they slept together and I’ve constantly told him to Tell me the truth ... He keeps denying it" -- how do you know for sure that your source is accurate/honest? Why would he lie to you about it?

 

There isn't anything like 'confronting in the right way' -- if you go into any conversation with the idea or thought that you need to 'confront', then you've already set the tone for it to be unpleasant and uncomfortable for at least one of you, maybe both. Change your perspective and tactic on how to have difficult conversations.

 

He says that he doesn't want drama, but he seems to have put himself right in the middle of it, maybe even he is relishing in it. Point this out to him in a gentle, non-confrontational way. If you need to, first practice how you are going to handle this conversation.

 

I'm not really seeing that he wants to get back with you on any sort of full-time or permanent basis -- it may be that this is his way of making you 'atone' and act all apologetic and subservient. But then again, I'm not really seeing what you are saying to him, honestly and directly, that might indicate to him that you do want it to be just the two of you trying to rebuild or salvage your marriage.

 

Don't act like everything's okay for you if it's not. Be honest with him about your feelings and thoughts, but don't expect him to be all sentimental or take it for anything important, either. Find different resources to help you deal with any let-down or negative feelings; don't put them on him.

 

Offer him to go for marriage counseling. If he says no, then take it that he likes the drama and having you keep chasing after him and having his side-dishes, too. And, if he says no, then just file for divorce and take everything you've learned from this forward with you into the rest of your life. Don't look back. If you can't or won't do that, then at least make yourself less available and less of a doormat. People who have cheated in the past still have the right and the self-obligation to keep their dignity and their self-respect.

 

Finally, if you have not already checked them, I could offer you to check out, in no particular order:

 

• (Download) The First Twelve Steps of an Unfaithful Spouse
  
• (Book) How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A compact manual for the unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald
  
• (Online) The 'Infidelity' section at MarriageBuilders
  

Best of luck. I know that it's difficult. Not because you brought it on yourself (affairs usually don't happen in a vacuum), but just because it's difficult.

 

Hugs.