Painful and lonely separation

[Mz. Pixie]

Spurned,

 

Listen to Ladyjane, she has loads of good advice. Fact is, I could have been your wife, except what happened between my exh and I was after thirteen years, not nine months!

 

In my opinion she hasn't done any work on this relationship in nine months! Who can say, I've tried and tried after only nine months of marriage??? In my situation my exh didn't meet my needs for years and years and I cried begged and pleaded for counseling etc but he wouldn't go. I point blank told him I was ripe for an affair etc if he didn't start working on the marriage. He never listened. I had a emotional crisis (death of my closest relative) and the OM was there for me when he was not, gave me attention etc and guess what? I had an affair, and yes it was more than emotional.

 

Almost everything you have been told by your wife I said to my exh. Am I proud of it? Of course I'm not!! It's a script that almost every WS uses. I'm telling you she's had a physical affair with at least one of these guys.

 

You shouldn't concern yourself with who will take care of her if she gets cancer. This is a woman who couldn't make it through nine months of marriage through your residency. What would happen when you had to actually practice and were called to the hospital etc at all hours of the night?? This is not someone who knows the meaning of committment! Also, what if you were to get ill??? A woman who can't make it through residency without cheating couldn't possibly stay with a sick spouse!!!

 

I would normally advise that you read Love Must Be Tough and continue to work on the marriage but after nine months I think you need to cut your losses.

[Spurned]

God, I must be a glutton for punishment.

 

One of the men she's allowing to court her just bought her a ticket to Paris and he's going to join her there for a week.

 

In her mind, she's waiting for me to show patience and maturity before she will open any lines of communication with me. She thinks that what's she's doing is justified and that I'm not focusing on the REAL issues we had during our marriage when I bring up the other men she's been seeing. She seethes and pulls away as soon as the topic is broached.

 

She still thinks I'm the child who has to grow up.

 

I've set up an appointment with a lawyer and am going to file papers. I'm going to force a decision on this one way or another. I will not be lied to any longer and will not be talked down to. I think BOTH of us have some maturing to do, and now I'm not so sure it's me who has to do most of the maturing.

 

Her problem is, one of her friends recently went through a separation and starting seeing (and sleeping with) another man. Her estranged husband was fully aware of this and did not mention it at all, and he supposedly "worked on himself" and eventually the wife took him back and dumped the boyfriend when she saw how much positive change he had made.

 

I'm sure she's using that as a model for her behavior now. Problem is, I'm not a husband who will stand for it. And a husband should not have to "compete" for his wife.

 

I'm going to serve her papers.

[Art_Critic]

Originally posted by Spurned

I'm going to serve her papers.

 

coming to this decision is never an easy one...I've been there.. Noe that you have made the decision do not waver and stay the course .. Serve her and if that doesn't wake her up ....Give her what she wants ..divorce her.

 

I've alway's been one to say you should alway's give people what they want ...It makes them realize that actions come with consequences

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Spurned

In her mind, she's waiting for me to show patience and maturity before she will open any lines of communication with me. She thinks that what's she's doing is justified and that I'm not focusing on the REAL issues we had during our marriage when I bring up the other men she's been seeing. She seethes and pulls away as soon as the topic is broached.

 

The unfortunate thing a person encounters when issuing an ultimatum, is that it's a 50/50 proposition. It could go either way. Her ultimatum to you above is clear. "I'm going to explore my attraction to OM, and YOU are going to suck it up and be mature while I do that....or I won't be back."

 

I think she's going to try some serious back-peddling once she realizes that you are, in fact, calling her bluff. Because her concept of "maturity" is NOT realistic.

 

Her own actions have markedly lacked maturity. She ostensibly had problems in her marital relationship. Well, how the heck does going to Paris with another man reconcile her marriage?

 

All you are hearing from her right now is WS babble, fog-talk. If you've read a bit at MB, you've probably seen this terminology.

 

Here's an equation for you:

-----> Words - Actions = Babble <------

 

Her words: "I want to work on our marriage."

 

Her actions: "I'm going to Paris with OM."

 

Her Babble: "I can't talk to you unless you are being mature."

 

Translation: "I'm going to explore my attraction to someone else, and I want to keep my marriage on the back-burner until I see if my extra-marital relationship works out."

 

 

 

Reverse Babble is the best option when you're hearing babble. Reverse babble is a simple matter of pointing out the inconsistancies in the equation. You should be calm and unruffled when you do this.....and you should NOT expect to hear reasonable responses. You should not engage in arguement, or expect to win a point, as if you were on the debate team in school.

 

She's trying to lead you down another path that leads AWAY from her acts of infidelity. Your job, if you have contact with her at all....is to not allow her to do that.

 

WW: "I can't talk to you because you aren't being mature."

 

BH: "Is it mature then to cheat on your spouse? Because if it is, then you are right, I'm not being mature."

 

WW: "I'm not cheating. We are separated."

 

BH: "I haven't seen a final decree on our divorce. Is that what you want then?"

 

WW: "I haven't decided that yet."

 

BH: "It would seem to me that you have made a decision to see other men. That seems to be somewhat decisive."

 

WW: "Well, you're the one who wouldn't work on the marriage when I wanted to, and I waited for you. Now, you can wait for me."

 

BH: "I'm very sorry that I didn't work on the marriage with you then. I regret that very much.....but I do NOT recognize this as an excuse for you to be unfaithful.

 

WW: "If you were really sorry, you wouldn't be pushing me. You're forcing me to make a decision I'm not prepared to make."

 

BH: "You've already made your decision. You decided to meet OM in Paris."

 

WW: "But that has nothing to do with my decision about our marriage."

 

BH: "It has everything to do with your decision on our marriage, because it is an action that you, yourself, selected."

 

 

 

I'm not the best reverse-babbler , but I hope you get the idea.

 

You want to keep her from turning it back around on you. You want to keep the conversation focused on her infidelity. She'll eventually get frustrated when she can't get you to take the blame for her unfaithfulness. Most likely, she'll pitch a fit and storm off. You, however, remain unruffled.

 

Eventually, what she'll learn is that you are NOT going to be put off topic, and that the infidelity IS the issue, and it WILL be discussed before you're willing to consider addressing any other issues.

 

She still thinks I'm the child who has to grow up.

 

I hope you see that now for the "babble" that it is. She's looking for excuses, plain and simple.

 

Further, I hope you'll stop allowing the emotional manipulation she's pulled on you. You're feeling guilty for crying for pete's sake! That's a NORMAL human response for a person who feels sad and betrayed. Just because you're a man, doesn't mean that you can't cry when someone hurts you.

 

She's using this against you in a way that is really despicable, in my opinion anyway. It's babble. Let it go, and don't buy into it anymore. Use reverse babble to get back on-topic.

 

I've set up an appointment with a lawyer and am going to file papers. I'm going to force a decision on this one way or another. I will not be lied to any longer and will not be talked down to.

 

This where I think the back-peddling will come in. That's why I posted to you about reverse babble. If she hasn't made a final decision in favor of divorce....she's going to want to talk, and she'll make it difficult for you to stay in NC. Better to be ready.

 

Her problem is, one of her friends recently went through a separation and starting seeing (and sleeping with) another man. Her estranged husband was fully aware of this and did not mention it at all, and he supposedly "worked on himself" and eventually the wife took him back and dumped the boyfriend when she saw how much positive change he had made.

 

I'm sure she's using that as a model for her behavior now. Problem is, I'm not a husband who will stand for it. And a husband should not have to "compete" for his wife.

 

I'm going to serve her papers.

 

I think that you're right. She probably IS modeling her behavior on her friends example. That speaks again of "immaturity". Who would honestly believe that just because it worked for your friend....it's gonna work for you. That's just absurd..... a thought process one would associate with teenage girls, not fully grown women. "Geez Dad, ALL my friends are jetting off to Paris to have extramarital affairs!"

 

Honestly, I still think your best option is NC and the quickest, most thorough divorce you can manage. But if you're forced to talk to her, keep your cool and use reverse babble.

[Spurned]

Thanks for your replies.

 

This used to occupy my life, obsessing over her and her new boyfriend, what they are doing, where they are, etc. I have to admit, I've come to accept it a little more, and I grow a little angrier every day.

 

I still obsess over it, but not as much, and I'll take that as progress.

 

I just think she's absolutely crazy!!! She's just being so selfish right now.

 

I KNOW she isn't proud of what she's doing. Only her single model friends know she's in Paris with this guy. She's allowed none of her immediate family to know that, so she's hiding her shameful behavior.

[Spurned]

Whoa Nelly!

 

Tomorrow I go to meet the lawyer to file the paperwork and discuss the course of action. Wish me luck!

[Spurned]

Met with the lawyer last night, dropped some money on him.

 

I asked him to serve her the papers as soon as she gets back from her "honeymoon" with her new boyfriend of three months in Paris, the city in which I asked her to marry me.

 

Ha ha, is that cruel? Maybe a little petty on my part, but I still feel a little giddy.

[Ladyjane14]

Met with the lawyer last night, dropped some money on him.

 

I asked him to serve her the papers as soon as she gets back from her "honeymoon" with her new boyfriend of three months in Paris, the city in which I asked her to marry me.

 

Ha ha, is that cruel? Maybe a little petty on my part, but I still feel a little giddy.

 

It's sad that she chose to go off to a place that should have been meaningful to BOTH of you with another man.

 

I think that speaks volumes about where her thoughts are.....and they certainly don't seem to be lingering on her marriage.

 

I imagine it feels alot better to be doing something though, rather than waiting around in limbo. "Giddy" is a vast improvement on the emotions you've been dealing with lately.

 

When she gets back and realizes you are proceeding with divorce, she's likely going to want to 'talk', (that's sometimes code for 'manipulate' when dealing with cake-eaters ) How will you handle that?

[Spurned]

LJ, I'm at peace with what I've chosen. She may want to talk, and to be honest I'm amenable to that, because I think she needs psychological help. She's been in a destructive mode for our entire marriage, and I fear she will never be able to be in a loving, healthy relationship if she continues these behaviors. She has destroyed a good thing with her selfish, immature actions.

 

I discovered tonight she went to Hawaii (ostensibly for a modeling job) with the man from New York FOUR months after she married me. But you know what? It didn't even really shock me. Almost nothing she has done or will do will surprise me anymore, because the person I thought I married either never existed or is long gone. I'll mourn that forever.

 

There's no way our marriage was so bad after just four months that she would be "forced" to do that.

 

I really think she has psychological issues, and I feel as her partner of four years I should always be available to talk if she needs help.

 

But I will never be available to her as her husband again. Ever.

 

I just read through DevilDog's entire thread (whew, long!). A lot of similarities, and I'm glad he emerged stronger. I feel I'm in a similar situation.

 

I've been getting plenty of attention from sympathetic nurses and hospital staff. I have rediscovered just how attractive a nice, handsome, honest young surgical resident can be! And you know what? Life goes on.

 

You guys have been so helpful and supportive. I really can't tell you how thankful I am to have such insightful support from all of you more experienced people

[Ladyjane14]

I've been getting plenty of attention from sympathetic nurses and hospital staff. I have rediscovered just how attractive a nice, handsome, honest young surgical resident can be! And you know what? Life goes on.

 

Your career is a demanding one, and this might be a really good time to immerse yourself in it. Positive feedback on both the personal and the professional level, will go a loooonnng way towards making this transitional period easier for you.

 

Maybe you can give some of this angst you've been feeling over to your career, and let it become a more positive energy.

 

Try to make time for some R&R with your colleagues. You'll likely thrive in a group atmosphere of people who understand your career-language.

 

Oh.....and one more thing.... Don't forget to let your attorney do his/her job. That's what you're paying for afterall. You are NOT required to be a psychiatric counselor to your STBX. Consider allowing your attorney to handle her instead.

 

If your final decision is divorce, then why put yourself through all that? I'm sorry to say....it's not likely to help her anyway. If she was capable of making good decisions.....she wouldn't be where she is now. She's NOT going to listen to you. What's worse, she'll be 'babbling' and rationalizing in a manner that will threaten your resolve, not to mention your tranquility.

 

Make this thing easy on YOU. You didn't choose it, but you're having to deal with it anyway. Choose the path that is the most amenable to YOUR needs.

[Ladyjane14]

p.s. I'm glad that you read Devildog's thread in it's entirety. I think it illustrates quite nicely that there IS hope for happiness after divorce. He has handled his situation remarkably.

 

But if your resolve falters....give a look at Reservoirdog1's previous postings. His situation reminds me somewhat of yours. His wife began cheating early on in the marriage....and continued through multiple partners.

 

Sady, your description of your STBX puts me in mind of RD's story. Some people unfortunately just feel entitled to do whatever they want, whatever they feel will gratify them for the moment....no matter who gets hurt. I think RD's story will help you bear that in mind.

[Spurned]

So frustrating!!

 

I make no pretenses about my situation. I'm fresh off of a separation and in an impending divorce. Right now, I've got huge baggage.

 

So last night in the emergency room I chatted with a physician I've found extremely attractive for my entire residency, and it turns out she's single now after a three-year relationship. She was surprised to find that I'm getting a divorce.

 

So of course we talk about my situation. She's like, you can talk to me anytime, just page me. I'm sure she's just being nice, and I know I can't initiate anything with her romantically given the circumstances. But she's attractive, nice, and successful. In any other world I'd pursue her.

 

When will a woman be able to look at me as a single man? When the divorce is finalized? When I can stop talking about it when people ask me what's going on? How can I (or should I even try to) speed up the process of putting this behind me? I'm so interested in her, and I don't think it's because I'm emotionally vulnerable right now. Aargh!

[Trimmer]

... she's attractive, nice, and successful. In any other world I'd pursue her.

 

Given that you're in this world at the moment, how about pursuing her friendship? It sounds like you think your dilemma is to pursue her romantically or not at all. Hey, at the moment, I'd love to have someone interesting and nice who would be willing to be a friend. If that person happens to be an attractive member of the opposite sex, so be it, but I would still at least try to start out thinking of her as a friend. Set boundaries, if you need to - inside your own head and heart if need be - but why think of it as all or nothing?

 

Now, I imagine we could very easily get into a long "When-Harry-Met-Sally" type discussion of whether men and women can ever truly be "just friends", and especially on this forum, that phrase and its common association with the deceptions of infidelity add an even more complex flavor to the discussion. However, call me naiive, call me crazy (just call me!) - I'd like to leave open the possibility of two human beings simply creating an honest friendship...

[reservoirdog1]

But if your resolve falters....give a look at Reservoirdog1's previous postings.

Thought I felt my ears burning. Yup, I'm the poster boy for marriage to a sh*tty partner. ( Ladyjane)

 

But seriously... by all means, check out my posts, buddy. They span almost two years and there's a lot of drama in there. Might give you some perspective, or some insight, or something. This place has definitely helped me in the last two years.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm curious RD. Obviously, I don't have a first-hand account....just the posts you've made. But I'm wondering if you saw the same thing I saw when I looked at this thread..... Bullsh*t excuses by a WW.

 

I see similarities in the both of these WW's sense of entitlement and self-importance. Spurned's WW seems to have quite an arsenal of excuses, as well as the ability to turn it around and make herself seem the wounded party.

 

Unfortunately, I reckon you've heard them ALL firsthand. If there's anybody around here that can recognize a bullsh*t excuse....I suppose it'd be you.

 

It's crappy that you had to have this experience to begin with, but it's very cool of you to be willing to share it with others. It's so confusing for people when they're living it. So, I think it's reassuring when the 'BeenThereDoneThat' club comes together and says, "Nope....I heard THAT one before too." Makes a person feel a little more sane, I guess.

 

A wayward spouse can make their excuses sound soooooo reasonable. They can make a BS feel almost like the deserve the bad treatment they receive. As if the BS had done something so terribly wrong in the relationship that the cheating was somehow justified.

 

Anyway....to Spurned.... I'm in agreement with Trimmer. Why not spend time developing friendships?

 

I'm kind of old-school about this, so I don't think that romantic relationships are really appropriate until a person is divorced. That's just me.

 

But divorces take a good long while in some states, so I imagine if Settlement is reached, and both parties have reconciled themselves emotionally to permanent separation....well, why not date a bit?

 

Although you might find that you thank yourself later for waiting until the dust settles before you start exploring other romantic entanglements. It really hasn't been very long for you yet, since all this happened.

[smile95]

I just read your posts and my heart breaks for you. Do not blame yourself and do not try and get her back. You did nothing wrong. From the outside looking in.....you have no reason to blame yourself.

 

I am in the same boat obsessing over what he is doing or if he is thinking of me. Stay strong. I can tell you are a very sweet and caring guy. Hang in there!

[Spurned]

Yeah, I know--it does seem somewhat inappropriate to pursue romance at this point. I suppose I'll resign myself to being friends. Although I'm of the philosophy that men and women are either acquaintances or more than just friends . . . but never just friends.

 

BUT, would it change your mind to know that her "friend" in New York bought her ticket to fly out to see him ONE WEEK before our wedding? WTF is that all about? ONE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING!!!!! My whole marriage was a sham. She is a cake-eater, an evil person, and an emotional sociopath.

 

She's CRAZY. I'm not sure why she even married me . . . I am a poor resident in the middle of a long program, no big bucks for a couple more years.

 

Even my therapist, a licensed psychologist, after hearing all the things I discovered, said, "That's really kind of messed up!" He was speechless! He released me and told me he'd call me in a month to see how I'm doing. To tell you the truth, I feel great about the decision I've made. Really, the things she did made the decision a no-brainer.

 

And now me, a freaking highly-educated surgeon, who tells all of his patients to quit smoking and drinking and to protect themselves, going to my internist tomorrow to get an STD check. Life is scary.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm curious RD. Obviously, I don't have a first-hand account....just the posts you've made. But I'm wondering if you saw the same thing I saw when I looked at this thread..... Bullsh*t excuses by a WW.

 

I see similarities in the both of these WW's sense of entitlement and self-importance. Spurned's WW seems to have quite an arsenal of excuses, as well as the ability to turn it around and make herself seem the wounded party.

 

Unfortunately, I reckon you've heard them ALL firsthand. If there's anybody around here that can recognize a bullsh*t excuse....I suppose it'd be you.

 

It's crappy that you had to have this experience to begin with, but it's very cool of you to be willing to share it with others. It's so confusing for people when they're living it. So, I think it's reassuring when the 'BeenThereDoneThat' club comes together and says, "Nope....I heard THAT one before too." Makes a person feel a little more sane, I guess.

 

A wayward spouse can make their excuses sound soooooo reasonable. They can make a BS feel almost like the deserve the bad treatment they receive. As if the BS had done something so terribly wrong in the relationship that the cheating was somehow justified.

 

LJ, a lot of it does sound like bullsh*t. And it's true, the people change but the lines are all the same.

 

Honestly, I think I was/am similar to Spurned in a lot of ways. For most of my life, I've been the classic "nice guy". I don't think I was exactly "clingy" during the marriage, but I definitely had more emotionally invested in it than XW did. I think she knew that, and it turned her off -- she saw me as a boy and wanted a man. And I can tell you, in the first month or two after the sh*t came down, it was very easy for me to buy into her reasons and her justifications. I even recall saying "sorry" to her for my alleged shortcomings in the first couple of weeks. My explanation is that I was still in shock, flailing around and willing to do or say almost anything if she'd stay in the marriage. Must've looked pretty pathetic.

 

The result of that, however, is that, since we split, I've been very different towards her. I don't display much towards her beyond civility. I don't act like a friend, I don't ask her about her day, her problems or successes, or express any interest in her life except where it concerns the kids. And the irony is, much as she doesn't like that and wishes we could be friends (because I can tell you, I'm exactly the kind of person she needs as a friend), I have little doubt that she respects me a lot more now than she ever did before.

[Trimmer]

( Spurned said: )

Yeah, I know--it does seem somewhat inappropriate to pursue romance at this point. I suppose I'll resign myself to being friends. Although I'm of the philosophy that men and women are either acquaintances or more than just friends . . . but never just friends.

 

You see, I told you we might disagree here, and I don't want to get too much off topic, but here's my brief statement of principles about being "friends" with a woman, from a man's perspective. And I'm not saying this is how everyone is, or should be... I'm only claiming these principles as my own - your mileage may vary.

 

• I can be friends with a woman.
  
• It is not the same as being friends with a man.
  
• I admit to feeling some degree of romantic or sexual attraction with a majority of the women I've called "friends." I will not deny this, and I accept that this may be part of what makes these friendships different from those with men.
  
• On the other hand, by choosing not to pursue these attractions (in most cases), I have developed some valuable - even treasured - friendships with women in my life.
  

 

This goes to an important philosophy in my life which is that you may not be able to control how you feel, but you should have control over how you behave.

 

Anyway, Spurned - I say, try something new in your life. Try being friends with this woman, and don't just resign yourself to it, try looking forward to it. If you think you need to stay out of the romance arena for now (and I agree that may be a good idea at this stage), then accept that boundary, consider your internal expectations for your own behavior, and be honest with her if and when the subject comes up (in case her expectations go beyond "just friends.")

 

Some guys may trash me on this, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it... Like I said, it's not the same as being friends with another guy - maybe that's why you think you can't be "just friends" - it really is different. But I claim a friendship between a man and a woman doesn't have to become romantic/sexual, and that it can be valuable without going to that level.

 

Man, I'm not usually one to make big sweeping pronouncements, but I've really stepped over that line tonight, haven't I?

[Spurned]

Trimmer, that was an insightful analysis.

 

I view theoretical "friendship" between a man and a woman as platonic love, without romantic feelings. So already, your definition of friendship is a little different, because you concede that you have romantic and sexual feelings towards many of your female friends.

 

Having to set "boundaries" within my mind and heart (because let's be honest, can you stop yourself from feeling these things?) would compromise the "platonic" part already.

 

But in any event, I'm going to hang out with her a little. And I am looking forward to it.

 

As a side note, I think the STBXW is getting served today! This marriage started off with a bang and high hopes but is ending with a whimper. So Jerry Springer! How sad.

[Trimmer]

Having to set "boundaries" within my mind and heart (because let's be honest, can you stop yourself from feeling these things?) would compromise the "platonic" part already.

 

Ahhh... Interesting point. I'm not really a student of the platonic concept (does it derive from Plato himself???), but is a "platonic" relationship defined by the participants' feelings, or by the behavior as carried out between the two? ( ...kinda Socratic of me to respond with a question, don't you think? )

 

Can you have a platonic-behaviored-relationship that is valuable and fulfilling to both parties, while one or both may harbor - but willingly supress - those more primal urges? I believe so, and I have had valued relationships in this mode, but I'll be the first to admit it can get to be a gray area. Nonetheless, the fact that I so value these relationships I've had throughout my life leads me to think I'm doing OK. In looking back, I believe my life would be diminshed without these relationships.

 

Then I think about whether I'm really being fully open with such a female friend, but maybe that's what divides "just friends" in my mind from "something more". I might have a male friend with whom I don't share that I don't like his wife or other family members. I may not share all details of my personal life with my fishing buddy, but that doesn't seem like an unfair omission in a "just friends" relationship. This may be key - maybe being "just friends" means having boundaries - accepting limited openness - and whether that means not discussing my feelings about male friend's wife, or supressing my sexual feelings about a female friend, as long as I am willing to accept that boundary for the benefit of nurturing the friendship as it exists, then I think it can work. Expecting extensive openness is for "intimates", accepting limited openness is for "just friends." How does that sound?

 

Sorry for going on thinking out loud, and I didn't intend to hijack your thread, but I really hope for you that have found a new friend here, and I'm glad you're approaching it with an open mind.

 

But in any event, I'm going to hang out with her a little. And I am looking forward to it.

 

Good luck, and I think that's a good attitude...

[Spurned]

STBXW called today after having just received the divorce papers. She was very calm, actually. She was kind of upset I did it as soon as she returned, but she said she understood I was very upset and bitter right now.

 

Says she knows she made mistakes. Says she is messed up and only after her vacation in Europe was able to open her mind up. Says she misses me and still loves me and doesn't love any other man, and that I am her husband no matter what I say.

 

It all sounded so good. But I told her no matter how good it sounds, her actions are the only thing that accurately define the type of person she is.

 

All of a sudden she says she's willing to work on the marriage and is willing to see a therapist for her psychological problems.

 

Ah jeezus. I told her in no uncertain terms that I would never be available to her as a husband again, but that I would be there as a friend to help her seek help should she want it for her problems.

 

I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do, because everyone I've talked to has said that it's not my responsibility.

 

I didn't tell her that I loved her, but she emphatically insisted that I still did.

 

Like I said, affairs of the heart are so difficult to comprehend.

[Ladyjane14]

This would be the "back-peddle" I mentioned to you earlier. She knows she's caught now, and there's the faint whiff of consequences on the wind. Her home-deal on the back-burner just boiled over, so she's reacting.

 

The reason she was trying to keep the marriage on the back-burner is because she wasn't sure she was done with it. She still isn't. So, she'll say whatever she needs to in order to get you back into the kettle.

 

It's scary to lose control of the situation. She left home and went to Europe feeling confident you'd still be there when she got back. You've made decisions regarding her future in her absence. You're no longer available to her as a husband (read safety net). She's no longer in control.

 

Be wary. She's still not honest if she's attempting emotional manipulation. I know that sounds like she's being deliberately evil. I doubt it's as well conceived as all that. Still, the danger to you in terms of risking even more confusion and hurt for yourself is the same.

 

It will probably be quite some time...if ever...before she reaches any state of emotional honesty.

[Spurned]

Boy she made it tough this weekend.

 

She called four times on Friday and left three messages (I didn't pick up) and seven times on Saturday (I answered the last call). Asked what I was doing, whom I was doing it with. Asked when my next vacation time was and if I'd be flying to her city anytime soon.

 

She also said that after this weekend's modeling job, she was planning to come and stay with me for a couple of days while she looks for a therapist.

 

I told her no freaking way, that I'd change the locks and not let her in, and that she needed to retain an attorney for the divorce.

 

She's absolutely crazy. She thinks she can pull the kind of EVIL things she did and just have me willing to take her back????

 

I told her not to call me, that if she needed anything pertaining to the divorce or if she needed help obtaining therapy she could email me.

 

So she hasn't called or emailed in two days. I haven't contacted her either, and don't plan to.

 

I'll tell you, though, even when arguing with her and telling her how evil she's been on the phone, I fricking realized that I missed her voice. And I almost let myself believe the things she was saying about how she loved me and was messed up.

 

The drama is really getting to me.

[Ladyjane14]

I'll tell you, though, even when arguing with her and telling her how evil she's been on the phone, I fricking realized that I missed her voice. And I almost let myself believe the things she was saying about how she loved me and was messed up.

 

I'm not sure if it helps you much....but she probably does love you. As much as she is capable of anyway. And she is messed up, most definately.

 

Some people just can't do much better. I think I posted to you earlier, that at 23, her actions could be interpreted as Immaturity. At 33, this is who she is.

 

That's sad. But it's NOT something that you can effectively change. You can't make a sow's ear into a silk purse. And you can't change someone else's core values and beliefs.

 

The coming weeks will be the most challenging of your life thus far. As you extricate yourself from the chaos your relationship represents, you will OFTEN wonder if you're doing the right thing.

 

You're the only one who knows for sure, of course. But if it helps you AT ALL.....based on your posts here, I think you are.

 

You just can't save everyone. We each have to find our own path. Hold onto some faith that just as you will surely find yours....she's free to take this opportunity and find her own. It's up to her to do so, and it was never your responsibility to make her choices for her.