mortensorchid Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 People have told me for years (and I mean going back to when I was a little kid) to have more self esteem and self confidence. Well, I try and have tried many times. I've been shot down by people, from friends to organizations to those I've dated to those I worked with. I've been excluded from many, I feel very alone in life. I've been brave, I've gone off and done things on my own. I'm not afraid to be by myself if need be. But I'm always alone doing things. How do you gain self confidence and self esteem? Is there anything I haven't tried yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 "Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” lao 5 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 What do you mean by being "shot down" by the people you have mentioned? What kind of things to they say? Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 One thing that's helped me is to have more solidarity with myself. So, for example, there's times when I want to be truthful and open about my feelings with someone and think if I show them that they'll feel negatively. Then I buck up and tell myself that those are my feelings and that's who I am and this petson's approval isn't worth bothering with if I have to hide who I am. This exact scenario has come up a lot in my life in the last few years and I swear every time I take that leap it turns out to be a good thing. Inevitably the person Im dealing with acts positively. But I think more importantly, I'm owning my feelings and standing up for them and who I am. I know that probably doesnt sound like it would lead to increased self-esteem, but it really has for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 "Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” lao Which comes first... the confidence or the lack of caring? How does someone stop caring what other people think? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 Which comes first... the confidence or the lack of caring? How does someone stop caring what other people think? I am not sure - as I have always been a pretty confident / self assured person, and I can't really recall ever worrying about what other people thought about me. Self esteem and confidence do not come from other people - unless you are talking about your parents when you are young. I give my parents a ton of credit. They always told me I was smart and capable. They didn't blow smoke up my ass and tell me I was the best thing ever, but they told me I was capable. Maybe examine why you aren't confident, and the ways that you do feel confident would help you identify solutions. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatWait Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 Getting out of my head and into my body improved my self-esteem. I'd get lost in tangleweeds of thoughts, so I couldn't begin to see what I wanted, I was so dependent on others. Yoga and just paying attention to the feeling inside me when I was with people really started connecting me with my inner self. Also, having a creative hobby, in my case writing, helped give me a purpose that felt higher, and I do think this "higher self" is the self we must care for and connect with to know our own worth. Spending time with safe people, too. Safe people had no drama and I felt good about them in my body. Sometimes I intellectually thought "well, these people can't give me anything," but now I think they can give me the only thing that matters--recognition of that higher self. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 Which comes first... the confidence or the lack of caring? How does someone stop caring what other people think? Very simple.... Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 People have told me for years (and I mean going back to when I was a little kid) to have more self esteem and self confidence. Well, I try and have tried many times. I've been shot down by people, from friends to organizations to those I've dated to those I worked with. I've been excluded from many, I feel very alone in life. I've been brave, I've gone off and done things on my own. I'm not afraid to be by myself if need be. But I'm always alone doing things. How do you gain self confidence and self esteem? Is there anything I haven't tried yet? Thats a really really hard (impossible!) one to answer. Every individual is different and what works for one doesn't work for others and vice versa. My own theory on it is, learn to know yourself and love yourself for who you are. Once you learn to do that, other people you encounter will feed off that vibe. Also learn to know what types of people you gel with and have good vibes with and what types of people you don't gel with and try to avoid those. Try to be around people you like more. Don't be afraid to be socially rude and just walk away from people who you find you have zero in common with on a human level. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 "Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” lao The best advice ever in this situation. OP, most threads I've read from you have centered on how other people have done wrong by you; also a heavy dose of judging others from your own side. This needs to go in order for you to have self esteem. You can get professional help with this. It might be a very worthwhile investment for you, because, as this poster said, as long as you are so wrapped up in what others think and/ or your perceptions of what they think, you're in trouble. 1st things 1st. You will build self esteem when you get to a point where you are no longer allowing other people to "shoot you down." It's not about them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 Very simple.... Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her I like this, but isn't it a circular argument? To have self esteem, don't care what others think. To not care what other's think, have self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 The best advice ever in this situation. OP, most threads I've read from you have centered on how other people have done wrong by you; also a heavy dose of judging others from your own side. This needs to go in order for you to have self esteem. You can get professional help with this. It might be a very worthwhile investment for you, because, as this poster said, as long as you are so wrapped up in what others think and/ or your perceptions of what they think, you're in trouble. 1st things 1st. You will build self esteem when you get to a point where you are no longer allowing other people to "shoot you down." It's not about them. This, exactly. I also think maintaining clear boundaries for how you'll allow others to treat you could help you, OP. Boundaries are tied in with self-esteem in a very intricate manner - each time you allow someone to just walk over you, it WILL do a number on your self-esteem. On the other hand, when you believe that you deserve to be treated with respect and assert this boundary, it will reinforce your self-esteem and confidence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 (edited) I like this, but isn't it a circular argument? To have self esteem, don't care what others think. To not care what other's think, have self esteem. Exactly it =] they go together, doesn't matter what comes first either way it's win win Edited November 29, 2017 by Buriall Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 Which comes first... the confidence or the lack of caring? How does someone stop caring what other people think? I don't think that not caring is the answer. I think it's more about knowing who's opinions to care about. If a trusted friend gave me constructive criticism, my self esteem should allow me to absorb it and improve myself without getting upset at the comment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 I don't think that not caring is the answer. I think it's more about knowing who's opinions to care about. If a trusted friend gave me constructive criticism, my self esteem should allow me to absorb it and improve myself without getting upset at the comment. You're talking about totally different thing Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 People have told me for years (and I mean going back to when I was a little kid) to have more self esteem and self confidence. Well, I try and have tried many times. I've been shot down by people, from friends to organizations to those I've dated to those I worked with. I've been excluded from many, I feel very alone in life. I've been brave, I've gone off and done things on my own. I'm not afraid to be by myself if need be. But I'm always alone doing things. How do you gain self confidence and self esteem? Is there anything I haven't tried yet? I, too, struggle with this issue, though over time I have gotten better. I never understood just what I should do when people were saying to me, "Have more self-esteem." When they told me to learn to love myself more or learn to have more self-esteem, the word "learn" began to stand out to me. As a perpetual student, I learn by reading books and listening to lectures. For your purpose, I want to share the things that helped me most: First and foremost, I thought of the person I love most (my Mom), and I challenged myself to treat myself like I treated her. I learned that even though I lacked self-esteem, I could show myself compassion. I bought and worked the exercises found in The Self-Esteem Workbook by Dr. Glenn Schiraldi. I purchased and read and worked through the multitude of exercises found in How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence by Dr. Nathaniel Branden. This is my favorite thus far. I am currently exploring self-acceptance. Just yesterday I found and read this article "The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance" by Dr. Leon Seltzer. I keep a journal to write out and clarify my thoughts, feelings, etc. I do something that allows me to focus on self-compassion and self-awareness every single day. I hope this helps you (and others who are struggling) to get started on your journey towards greater self-esteem and self-confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
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