Three Weeks On: What is Love?

[Sbla22]

I posted in a few threads about my five month long relationship I had this year from June to just about November. I don't want to recap too much but the basics were:

 

. Both 26 years old.

 

. Met on POF

 

. We said we loved each other after 3 months.

 

. She gave me a key to her house after 3 months.

 

. She never really was good at communicating either through text or sometimes in person.

 

. She was close with her ex boyfriend and he also had a key to her house which she gave to him before we met as a 'safety net' in case she ever got locked out through forgetting the key. When I found this out I expressed discomfort but she was unwilling to take the key off him.

 

. She often chose hobbies over spending time with me such as climbing, an activity which her ex boyfriend often went to with her.

 

. I thought I loved her but deep down I always had anxiety over this relationship as I didn't like her closeness with her ex mixed together with what I felt was a neglect of me, someone she claimed to love.

 

.The night we broke up I stayed over but in a spare room. The next morning I looked at her phone while she was downstairs (something I did a lot for the last month or so of the relationship, as my gut told me something was wrong but I also knew it was wrong of me to do that.) and she told her ex she had broken up with me and felt 'guilty but relieved'. He responded 'Don't feel guilty. If you want to come over for a cuddle I'm here.' and she replied 'I'm too tired for sex, need to pack.' With nothing left to lose I angrily confronted her about it and she said it was a private joke about how he always said you could always shag a problem away.

 

. She denied anything other than friendship with him, even at that last moment she said she had never been unfaithful while with me and was not having sex with her ex. I don't think I'll ever know the truth but now, having reflected I'm 95% sure she did something with him during our relationship.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Why am I writing this post? I guess I want to just get my head around things.

 

What has happened in the three weeks since we split up? Well, I deleted her off all social media and deleted her number (so whatsapp was deleted too) on day three post break up.

 

I felt like my life was over for about 5 days after the break up but also knew that it was definitely the right thing for both of us. I also knew that the only reason I didn't end it before her was that I'm scared of being alone.

 

Since then? It's like that 5 month life of mine honestly didn't exist. The love, the anxiety, the sex, the closeness. Lying in bed until the early hours with her, cuddled up, revealing more and more about our lives. Meeting her family. Going on a trip away together. Saying we were both so lucky and happy to have found each other.

 

I came over to her house while she worked late shifts to tidy her house, wash up, help her because I loved her. But I didn't get much in return. Why did I do those things? Did I actually love her or did I do them so she would still love me? Did I try and do so much for her because I feel like I don't measure up otherwise?

 

But now I hardly think about her. She pops into my head maybe twice a day and I feel anxious and sad. My family don't mention her to me. It's like we're all just pretending it never happened.

 

She's never going to speak to me again. I think either thinks of me every now and again or I meant so little she doesn't think of me at all. I think she has had sex with her ex certainly in these 3 weeks since we split up. I think she might be away on holiday with her mum at the moment - I can't remember the exact date she said. If she is I wonder if when she's lying in the sun, do I pop into her head? Or were those 5 months ultimately just meaningless? For me, at times, they felt like everything. My whole life. To her was I just an experiment to see if she wanted a relationship with someone? Or did she actually love me to start with then got bored of me because I'm not as independent as she might have liked.

 

What have I learnt? That I need to move into my own place now and soon. We talked briefly about me moving into her house - that was where I saw my life heading - moving in, marriage, kids maybe. But did I just crave the idea of that rather than because I loved her? Or did I actually love her?

 

I've also learnt that I need to improve my social circle. I don't have enough people to go to when I need them.

 

I need to have confidence that I am a good person who deserved to be loved fully and if I feel someone isn't giving me that then I should be able to walk away from it rather than waiting for the other person to call it a day.

 

I don't know any more if I know what love is. I thought I'd felt it twice in my life - once with a girl I went out with for 3 years and once now with her. But now that I think about it, can it really have been love if she wasn't willing to spend any effort at all to work on problems? She was easily able to toss me aside like I was nothing, metaphorically deleting me from her life, so how can that be love? I thought love was doing everything it takes to be together?

 

I just don't know how to feel - some days I feel ok. I feel good when I'm at work most of the time. But when I get back to my room, especially on weekends and start thinking I feel utterly sad. But I'm not sad because I want her back. If she rang me tomorrow and said she was wrong and can we give it another go, I know I wouldn't say yes. But still I feel sad that these 5 months of my life are just empty months. I have nothing to show for them. Just happy memories that have been painted over with hurt and regret.

 

I have been going the gym every day that is possible since we broke up and I feel so amazing after I have exercised. So good. But then a few hours later I feel so hopeless and sad again. If I don't exercise or I'm not being kept busy I'm scared of how I'm feeling. I used to be able to just read a book or watch some telly by myself and not feel too bad but now I feel almost embarrassed to be doing these things. I feel ashamed - like this is not what I should be doing with my weekend as a 26 year old male.

 

I sort of just wish I could fast forward my life because at the moment I feel like it's just there - I've not really got a lot to look forward to. I desperately want to get past Christmas and New Years - it's brutal being single on these occasions. I have a great family but I feel like they'll all be laughing while I will be pretending. And pretending gets utterly exhausting.

 

I don't feel like I can enjoy life properly again until I move into a new place. I can't start dating anyone again because girls don't respect someone who is still living at home - I stupidly believed the right girl wouldn't be too bothered but I think deep down it's a big reason why relationships keep failing for me - I don't think I'm bad looking (my last 3 girls I went out with were pretty attractive) I have a good stable job, people seem to like me and find me funny at times. I know I'm kind. But girls need a man to be independent as well and I know in myself I am not that at the moment because of my living situation.

 

Thank you if you read this - I just wanted to write down my feelings and maybe ask if they are normal?