Would people still want to date me even when I have an illness ?

[lifeispeachy]

Hi. I'm new here at LS.

 

I have Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). I'm only 27 and unlike other COPD patients that have the disease by smoking, I have it due to Alpha1 antitrypsin deficiency.

 

My boyfriend of 5 yrs left me 3 months ago after he told me that he doesnt have anymore feelings for me. I am still in contact with him as he wants to support me financially. I dont bear any ill feelings towards him as I know I cannot force anyone to stay with me or love me forever.

 

I would like to date again but I'm not very confident. I dont know whether any guy would want to be with someone who has an illness. I'm not looking for a relationship but if I could, I wouldnt mind to be in one.

 

I actually dont need people to take care of me bcos I can take care of myself and I have manage my illness pretty well so far. I also dont expect others to be emotionally there for me or anything. I'm quite happy on my own but I would like to go out on dates.

 

Do you think guys would still be interested in me ?

[933KJL]

I do not know anything about your illness, but to be honest, I would not have a problem with it at all. I am interested in the person. And this might be hypocritical, but I am not sure I would date or become involved in a relationship with a terminal contagious patient--Aids, etc. But those illnesses are rare.

[lindya]

Originally posted by lifeispeachy

Do you think guys would still be interested in me ?

 

Well...there are guys out there who just want an easy time of it. A beautiful and wealthy nymphomaniac who's healthy in mind and body, free of baggage...someone who will provide maximum pleasure and minimum disruption.

 

Then there are the men who've taken off the rosy glasses and manage to live in the real, imperfect world. A world where people get ill/have a disability/can't have children/have to struggling under difficult circumstances. A world that is choc-full of people who don't, for whatever reason, fall into the category of "normality"as portrayed in a cheesy television series.

 

I'm not a guy, and I don't know you so I really can't comment on the personal qualities that would be liable to attract guys to you. If the gumption and can-do attitude you've demonstrated in one short post is illustrative of who you are, however, then I can't imagine why real-world dwelling guys WOULDN'T be interested in getting to know you better.

[lifeispeachy]

Basically my illness has to do with my lungs. My lungs functions are detiorating day by day, slowly. I am on medication to control it but there is no cure for this disease. I am honestly dying. Maybe in 3-5 yrs depending how well I can manage it. I am out of breath at times and on oxygen therapy. I may need lung transplant in the future. I constantly cough out blood and turn blue due to lack of oxygen and I'm admitted to hospital at least once a month.

 

What I'm actually worried about is that people wont want to date or afraid of having a relationship with me is that they may think or fear that they are expected to take care of me or provide me with some kind of emotional help or even financially. Which I dont need from anyone. I'm advised not to work so I'm doing freelance work. Plus my ex is also supporting me financially to pay for my medical bills.

 

So I'm not sure whether any guy would be bothered about that. My ex couldnt continue being with me bcos he was not emotionally coping with the fact that I have a sickness that would leave me dead in a few years. Its easier for him to not see me sick. I guess like what lindya mentioned, some guys out there just want an easy time of it.

[933KJL]

I would not hide it (although it does not sound like that is an option) from anyone and while you do not need financial support...emotional support is the basis of all relationships isn't it? Of course you need it. It sounds to me like you have your head on pretty well and can talk about your disease. Find someone and let them know the scoop. I would rather have a short time with someone I loved or cared about deeply than I would a long time with someone who was not right for me.

 

To be honest, the relationships I have had since my divorce (although none laster more than two years) were ALL more satisfying than my marriage. It is not a great analogy, but I think that you go and find someone that you like and likes you for you. Be upfront and it should be fine. Yes there are gonna be some ups and downs, but there are those in all relationships. Is there gonna be sadness--you bet. But you all will be better for the experience.

 

The old adage---tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all comes to mind!

[lindya]

Its easier for him to not see me sick. I guess like what lindya mentioned, some guys out there just want an easy time of it.

 

There's no denying that, but there are also some really decent guys out there. I hope you meet someone who recognises how exceptional you are, and accepts that if he wants to be with an exceptional woman he must also deal with the circumstances that have made her that way.

[RecordProducer]

The main symptoms of COPD are shortness of breath with exertion, a cough that won’t go away, or frequent respiratory infections. They fluctuate and can be treated with medications to protect the lungs long-term.

 

I would definitely date a person with COPD. It would NOT be a deal-breaker for me.

[MadManMike]

I know alot of guys that would date someone with your condition.

[Blackfrost]

One of my deepest literary heros C.S. Lewis still married Joy Grisham even though she was dying of bone marrow cancer - and they had only known each other for a few months. All told, I think they were only together for a year or two total, before it took her - she was the only woman he had ever professed true love for.

 

Always live with hope.

[DaiseyEyes]

I don't know how anyone who no longer has feelings for you would want to support you. I think this guy is just afraid of your condition, but probably cares very much for you. That aside, if I met someone I really liked I wouldn't let a medical issue get in the way. When you find someone you truly connect with it is next to impossible to let go. Your positive attitude is refreshing. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who wants to live life to the fullest?

[Toph]

I feel that if you love someone, you get the good with the bad.

 

I would date someone in your situation

[quankanne]

there are guys out there who couldn't, for some reason or another, date a woman with a terminal illness, and that's okay because there are still the remainder who aren't as put off by the fact because they're open and willing to love.

 

finding someone to love who loves you back simultaneously is pretty much a crapshoot no matter what state of health you're in or who you are. I say be honest about your illness, but don't let it become your whole identity. I'm sure that you're a lovely person whether you're ill or not, and you should concentrate on that.

 

because the folks who aren't comfortable with the idea of dating or being with someone in your position aren't the ones you ought to focus on, just those who are open to whatever the future brings.

 

hugs to you, kiddo!

[lifeispeachy]

Thank you to all that posted. Your posts have made me feel that all is not lost and that for in all unfortunate things that happened, there is always a new experience to be learned.

 

My ex-bf probably felt guilty about leaving me when I have this illness. I think thats probably why he insisted on helping me out financially.

 

Thanks to all !!! I am so grateful that I found this place. Life just springs up hope whenever you least expected.

[933KJL]

And to be honest, sometimes NOT having a SO can be a good thing. I know I appreciate all of my true friends.

[HokeyReligions]

Did your doctors tell you 3 - 5 years? My mom has COPD and was diagnosed with it about 18 years ago and probably had it for many years before that. She went through a period of several years as you described - in and out of the hospital, coughing up blood, etc. It took a lot of medicinal tweaking to find something that helps her deal with it so that it was manageable without all the crisis. She has crisis now, but for a different reason and she's 79.

 

You say you are independent and not wanting a caregiver, but a companion and some fun. If you are dating for fun I don't think its necessary to tell anyone the extent of the illness, just that you are on oxygen and medical therapy and I'm sure that there are guys out there who would like to go out for a nice time and not look for commitment. If you date someone and feel that it could progress then you would need to tell them so that they can decide if they can handle the stress of a mate with an illness that requires regular medical attention.

 

Don't rule out dating others with illnesses also--there are probably a lot of guys out there with medical problems too that are feeling the same way you are and don't need a nurse, but a friend, companion, and lover. I think men will medical problems may have an easier time finding someone because women are more nurturing by nature, but that's a pretty broad statement.

 

Do you use Ibuteral on a nebulizer every day? My mom is on that every four hours around the clock, but the treatments only last about 15 minutes and the nebulizer is small enough that if she were dating she could bring it in a large purse and excuse herself for 15 minutes during the date -- that may be something you could do also.

 

Don't give up - there are guys out there who won't be put off by an illness, they will see you for the person you are.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by 933KJL

And to be honest, sometimes NOT having a SO can be a good thing. I know I appreciate all of my true friends.

 

You took the words right out of mouth with that one KJL!

 

Lifeispeachy, seems your exbf will always be a part of your life. Bet when the chips are down, you can count on him.

 

I think he's scared of the unknown, not sure how to handle things. It's really a nice thing he's done by paying your medical bills, he's a good friend. So maybe with that in mind, treat him like a friend, not as a boyfriend and maybe he'll come back to you?? I don't know if you want that or not... Either way, surround yourself with family/friends and enjoy life.

 

Though I must say, you have an amazing positive attitude and are strong! You truely are worthy of any man. It will be their loss if they don't get to know you.

[Gold Pile]

I dated a lovely lady with a medical condition that will likely end her days far too young.

Our relationship was basically good friends dating between "real" relationships with others.

 

So people can have fun times together, even if one has less time.

 

When I considered getting serious with her, the illness became an important negative factor.

Never really had to make an ultimate decision, as she decided not to get too deep with me. (perhaps her condition is poor taste )

 

I think (early on) most people will consider the implications of your condition as far as serious relationship.

But people can fall head over heels and want you forever...weaknesses and all.

 

If you're just looking for fun dates now and then....it shouldn't be a problem at all.

[Mr.positive]

Well I think your ex really loves you hes just scared. He must be a good guy if hes helping you out like that . I'm sorry to here about your condition. It wouldn't matter to me. I'm sure there are alot of guys that think the same way. I hope you find one and enjoy every moment together.

[Burgertron]

Hi Kiddo (say that as I cant remember your nickname)

 

I would also back up something that another of the crew posted here.

 

Dont let this Illness become your identity. Yes it is a barrier but hey afterall Barriers are there to be overcome.

 

I work with people who have disabilities and try to find them work. And I know that I say this to all my clients you are a person first and an illness second if not at all.

 

Also I also have a illness myself (mental Elf) and it makes me a bastard to live with at times. Really it does. And I found somebody to love me.

 

Cheers.

 

P.S. I would assume that your age may play a factor in people understanding what it is is to get to know a WHOLE of a Person I know with age you realise that we are all people who are f*&^ed up and in need of a little TLC at times.

[lifeispeachy]

I see my illness as part of me. Not a whole me. Like my work, my friends, my family are all part of me. And every part me has a something to give, something to learn from. I do not allow myself to make my illness as my identity bcos it serves no purpose doing so. Being depressed or self-pity is not going to make my illness better or make it go away.

 

I was hurt when my ex-bf told me he wanted to leave me and that he didnt have anymore feelings for me. I allow myself 1 day to grief to get over it. I told myself I cannot force him to love me or stay with me. One thing I have learned is that at one time in a relationship, people may say they love us and then then after some time, they tell us they dont love us anymore. Love is not a guarantee. I asked myself if I were to keep on crying and feel hurt about the break-up, what can it possibly good it can do ? Will I make him love me back ? Will I make him come running back to me ? Will it make my life better ? No it will.

 

Instead I treat my ex like a good friend. For my birthday, he gave 300 to get whatever I wanted. Every week he sends me emails or calls me to ask me how I was. Whether he loves me or not, I do not know and am not concern about that. All I do know is that I love myself and I know who cares and loves me. That is enough for me.

 

With every post that you guys post, all of you make a big difference in my life. I may not know who you really are. I probably will never meet any of you but reading the post here have made feel that I will NEVER be alone no matter what happens to me.

[animo]

Speaking for myself, i can say that i would be afraid of getting involved with someone who is terminally ill...

 

Not because i think there is anything wrong with that person, but simply to protect myself emotionally. Losing someone you love deeply really hurts. I think i would always be holding back. But that's just me. I don't see any reason why you couldn't date basically and i wouldn't exclude some kind of long term relationship either!

[crazy_grl]

My first thought was that I would be too scared to lose the person to get into a serious relationship with someone terminally ill. Then I thought about the people I've cared about and whether I would have still chosen to be with them. If the connection was there, I wouldn't give up the chance to be with them.

 

However, there are people who are going to be too afraid of the pain they'll have to face.

 

But lifeispeachy, after reading your posts, I can't imagine why someone would not want to date you. I don't think you have to worry about people thinking you're going to lean on them for support. Most people will only worry about that if you give them reason to, and I don't think you will.