A very messy breakup

[hmb93]

So my ex broke up with me a month ago. Prior to breaking up with me, I had met half of his family and had recently met his mom. His mom welcomed me in, said he had never introduced anyone to her before and said that he raved about me when they were alone. His friends also said he was raving about me and us as well for months. "He has never seemed so happy", "He tells me about you all the time" "I"m so happy you guys are together." One of his friends told me he said I was the one (I really wish she had not told me that, even in the moment). His sister wrote a note to my parents after they donated to a fundraising effort for her that she values and admires our relationship.

 

Two-three weeks after meeting his mom he broke up with me. The week before he broke up with me he accepted expensive basketball tickets from my parents through my mom for my family event, friend requested her, and whatnot. He also called me the weekend before he broke up with me when he was out of town to help me plan/buy stuff for our halloween costume, called to ask how I was, said he got a gift for me, etc. Everything seemed so normal. Then when he returned, he essentially stopped talking to me for two days, came over and did it.

 

What was not normal (now that I've had time to reflect) is he was withdrawing from me (and the world) in other respects. He stopped initiating sex for two weeks, he told me he wanted me to sleep over less (I slept over 2 nights a week tops), it was difficult to convince him to get out of the house and do things together, we basically only hung out in the context of seeing other friends and he stopped planning things for us to do together (I tried to suggest things all the time), he hated his job and that was his main focus in life was finding a new one but I saw no initiative except for one interview where the opportunity basically fell in his lap. I know he was not happy with his life.

 

The only reason he could give me was that he couldn't make himself feel that way for me in a while (weeks? months?! I have no idea). He said that there was nothing wrong in our relationship, I had done nothing wrong, this is the healthiest relationship he's ever had but there is no passion. And his prior relationships were toxic and horrible for him but there was more passion and he misses that. But he never tried to talk to me about any of this or work toward it. When I asked him why did you bring me to all of these weddings and have me meet your mom while you felt like this, he told me that he couldn't not bring me; we were both invited. I didn't even know these people yet, so I know that is complete and utter bull****! Didn't give me any explanation about why he thought it was appropriate for me to meet his mom. Or why two weeks before he broke up with me, he told me that he just got off the phone with his grandma and she said she approves of me and thinks I'm great. Overall when things started to unravel, I just thought he was depressed about his job situation. Everyone has a few bad days, me included. When we first started dating, he told me he shuts down when things are difficult/doesn't like to talk about how he feels, so I thought he had been doing that but he always bounced back when he was down. I should have realized how big of a red flag that was. I was left thinking he was self-sabatoging.

 

I have sucked at being no contact. After saying this to him in a phone call two days after the breakup (since I was basically in the fetal position crying when he broke it off) I told him that I know he isn't happy with his life and he thinks cutting me out of it and self-sabotoging our relationship would fix that. After the breakup I told him we are not friends and I will not be speaking to him. He blindsided me and essentially ripped my heart out. Unfollowed him on snapchat, instagram and facebook. And I didn't speak to him...for a week. In the meantime, his friend invited me to a fb event and I quickly got uninvited, mutual friends said they didn't know. I realized he had not been telling his closest friends that we broke up.

 

Then his sister posted on Instagram that it's their dad's birthday. Their dad passed away 7 or 8 years ago. I battled with whether or not I should tell him I was thinking of them today, and I did. I expected no response or a small thank you. But what I got was "I'm so thankful that you reached out. How are you, if you don't want to talk that's okay." I kept my answers very short, until he said "I'm having a hard time with work, with us not talking, and just a lot. But I don't want to burden you with my problems or make it a pity party. etc." I told him he could tell me what he's feeling if he wants to about his dad or whatever is on his mind. He just complained about work. Then I said "It's difficult to hear that you are having a hard time with us not talking" To which he replied, "I didn't mean anything by saying that. I didn't mean to cause you any more pain and if I did I'm truly sorry." WTF then why say anything at all?? So I essentially responded saying "Ok. Hope you find happiness and what you're looking for that I couldn't give you." Left it at that.

 

His best friend and I had planned to buy him tickets to this show for Christmas, the three of us were going to go. Then his friend and I somehow decided (I don't remember how) that I would just buy the tickets for my now-ex and I, but he gave me a discount code for them as a way to give him a gift sort of too. After the breakup I was like ****. Now I have these tickets that I bought in August. I want to go to this show, but it'll just bring up bad feelings. I know his best friend showed interest from the beginning in going in general. So I texted his friend and said "Hey I'm planning to sell the John Mulaney tickets in the next few weeks and know we originally talked going in on the tickets together. If you want to buy them let me know, if not best wishes!" Didn't get a response obviously, but its a comedian they both really like. Of course after I sent that I felt stupid and don't know what I was expecting.

 

Finally; I found out from a friend who is closer to me than my ex, but she's friends with his close friend that my ex had been binge drinking to the point that he couldn't stand straight and couldn't get into a bar they were going to. This was awful to hear because he had stage 4 cancer before we met and I would hope would want to take care of his body after that. He never drank like this when we were together. Before we broke up he even said he wanted to drink less than he already was. And it was the week of his dad's birthday. I was concerned about him/his emotional state. It bothered me for almost a week, to the point that it was all I could think of.

 

I went out with my friends a few weeks ago on Saturday and had a good time. But then Sunday I woke up to seeing he had seen my Instagram story and essentially had a panic attack about it all (hearing about him binge drinking mostly). And I called him. He answered. I asked how he was doing, and he said "I'm great." I told him that I heard about the night he was binge drinking, that doesn't sound like him at all and it really concerned me considering that this was a hard week in general for him." (what was I thinking...ugh). He essentially was like "I'm fine. I'm good." very short. I know I likely embarrassed him. And I said okay. Talk to you later out of habit (ugh). And he hung up on me.

 

After this I blocked him on instagram, and deleted my facebook app on my phone. Bought a self-help book about anxious attachment (which I have come to terms that I have). I've told myself I refuse to date for a while until I work on myself. I consciously leave my phone in other rooms so I can think about anything else. But when I'm alone I can't shake these ideas that things are on such bad terms. I know I didn't **** things up in our relationship but I think I've ****ed things up now and look like I'm crazy. But he has so many difficult things in his life; it's difficult not to worry about him. I'm explicitly planning to tell my mutual friends with him from here on out to please not tell me anything about him at this time, because I know it makes me feel everything all over again. Two weeks ago I was sitting in a bar with a mutual friend of ours, and one of his best friends walked in (the one who invited and quickly retracted an invite to the fb event). And I panicked. We live in a city of millions of people, and she walked into THIS bar. I tried not to make eye contact and essentially ran out of the bar.

 

No matter what I feel like my image in this situation is tarnished. I look like I'm weak and stupid. And it ****ing sucks.

 

And I still wish deep in my heart that he would reach out to me and realize he made this huge mistake, that he would make an effort to change; which may have happened if I stuck with no contact from the beginning. But now I feel like that could never happen. And coming to that realization is awful.

 

After blocking him on Instagram 13 days ago, I unblocked him for a moment when I realized he changed his username. It turns out that he deleted all of our photos together. I felt very hurt by this but I don't know what I would have expected. Also last night, I saw from a mutual friend's social media that they went out to a bar in their hometown, and one of his friends who never looks at my social media stuff looked at it late at night. I have a feeling it was my ex who looked at it while they were at the bar.

 

Things are getting better overall I suppose. When my thoughts about this aren't haunting me I am able to have fun, do yoga, and read. But when it creeps in, I feel everything all over again. I love him so much. Previous breakups have happened where I've essentially said good riddance and moved about my life very quickly. But when I stop and am forced to think about this relationship it feels so tumultuous and never ending. When things were good they were so good. But when they turned bad I thought it was a different problem and now I am just left here feeling like a shell of myself. I hate doubting myself in whether or not I should have blocked him or handled things differently. I just want all these emotions to go away and for me to feel normal again.

 

I found out after our breakup from a mutual friend that he has depression and has had depression for years. I can't help but think that is a component in all of this.

[d0nnivain]

You may never know the real reason he broke up with you. Since you said this was the healthiest relationship he ever had but he cited the lack of passion for your break up, I suspect he missed the drama of the crazy women he previously dated & his mistakenly thinks the lack of drama is a lack of passion.

 

You would be well served to block him on all social media & sell the tickets. Also disconnect yourself from his family & friends. He was the only thing you had in common. Since that is over, let it go.

 

You need to concentrate on healing yourself. He's superfluous & of no consequence any more. You do what you need to do to get over him.

[hmb93]

I did block him, and I am selling the tickets! I am still looking for a buyer, but the website I bought them from suggested I sell them for $100 more than the price I originally bought them. I guess that's my severance package lol.

 

His friends are slowly unfollowing me on social media so I am just letting that happen and unfollowing them back. There were a few that I had a friendship with outside of my ex, so I am just waiting to see how they respond in following/unfollowing.