Unsure if I should just throw in the towel

[LunaF]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and we have a son who is going to be 2.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Part of me wants to keep trying to make things work but the other part just wants to stop all the pain and and things now.

A bit of back story, my husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober for a year and 3 months. He went through a very difficult time and I've tried to support him through it. Taking all the horrible mood swings and horrible irritable attitudes with a grain of salt because I know it is a hard time. But I've grown tired of constantly being berated for not cleaning properly, doing the things I enjoy like watching tv shows or gaming, or not being very talented at cooking. The list could go on. I recently just returned from a 3 week trip because of a family emergency where my grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 bladder cancer that has spread. Now that I'm back I get comments on a daily basis of how he wishes we would go back out of town because he didn't have to worry about anyone telling him anything or how the only thing I am good at is watching tv and being on my phone. Or just picks horrible fights over the most irrelevant things. He blew up on me when I calmly said we forgot to buy more sodas while we were at the store and yelled at me that there was water. But then at a later time when he went to go grab a soda was surprised there was not one left and was kinda of like oh well idk.

I'm not sure if I am also just in a bad place right now because I wish I could have stayed with my grandfather for more time but instead came home for the holidays because I know these times are the hardest for my husband. But all I'm being met with is hostility and I feel like I am wasting my time in a place where it is made clear to me daily that I am not wanted around.

 

I don't know if these are feelings telling me that things should end. I would like some unbiased help.

What would you do in this situation?

We have not talked. I have been trying to calm down before bringing up any kind of discussion because i don't want to say things I don't mean.

[somanymistakes]

Have you attempted any form of marriage counsellng?

 

Addiction is a rough thing and it is one of the main causes for bringing down marriages, but it sounds like he has made some effort to get that under control. That's a sign that he is capable of change when he realises how important something is.

 

I would advise at least trying to have a third party mediate between the two of you and try to identify better strategies for the two of you to work together. Don't just sit quietly feeling miserable until you reach the point where you don't care anymore.

[salparadise]

I don't know if these are feelings telling me that things should end. I would like some unbiased help.

 

I would just end it. He has a terrible attitude and shows no respect. This is not about addiction recovery, this is just who he is. It took me many years to come to the realization that a toxic person is not fixable, and that trying harder just enables and perpetuates it. Several years after divorce I've had a few relationships characterized by affection, acceptance and positive regard. Knowing what I know now, I would not put up with that kind of toxicity for even two minutes. You can't change who he is, you can only decide to stay or go. Don't waste your life wishing for him to become the opposite of who he is.

[maxi105]

hi there LunaF,

 

 

I feel the one thing that you really ought to try and do is to talk about things, for eg, when he starts at you again over nothing; talk back and let him hear your voice, let him know you are not happy with him or this situation anymore.

 

 

I'm not sure trying to be calm is helping this situation any longer, I feel it has gone well beyond the calm, polite and suppressed emotions and treading on eggshells stage - and I feel it will effect your own health and self esteem the longer this type of trying to do the right thing in a calm responsible way goes on. the bottom line is he isn't hearing you at all and isn't that bothered in listening to anything you have to say. he has his own agenda and is crushing you with his controlling behaviours.

 

 

you are talking a lot trying to understand and fix this, he on the other hand is not calm or shy of telling you exactly what he feels verbally at the slightest change or petty dislikes that you are accused of bringing to his every day!

 

 

it sounds as though you guys have got into a very unhealthy and pretty toxic place where your roles and expectations and reactions have become very destructive and habitual!!!!!

 

 

he says this and you react like that, which triggers this and so you behave like this or come to your senses and don't say anything as you are trying to keep your marriage alive.

 

 

well from the short message you have posted, your marriage is not far from dead, and the realistic news is that any kind of restoration or repair needs to come from him, and it doesn't sound as though it is at present.

 

 

the only thing of life in all of this is your child, who will also be aware of what is going on and how unhappy you both are!!!

 

 

it all sounds rather abusive over the years and so it has become acceptable in an unacceptable way (for both of you, ironically).

 

 

is there any way you can get out of the home for a short break or do you fear or not have support for your son, if you took a short break?

 

 

I think a break from the home one way or another will help to refresh you as I can only imagine you must be exhausted with all of this. also a break from the home may jolt him to realise that you are stronger than he wants you to be as a partner, and as a strong person you don't need to stay and listen to this or take this situation in its current state.

 

 

you need to show him you can come and go in the same way he can. (well as best as you can with a child etc...) but he needs to see you are serious about not being treated in this way and if he cannot get help and do something to change this and mean it, then you may be gone for good, and possibly with your child.

 

it might be an idea if you haven't already to look into the wider issues like child access or what separation etc could mean if things get too much and you decide to go for good.

 

 

but I think this is something that you know at some point is probably going to have to go from just thoughts and rather deflated ones to taking steps to set yourself free.

 

 

try to keep thinking about the long term effects on you, your child and him the longer this destructive situation carries on. what happens if the stress puts you in a situation where you have a cancer scare or worse!!!!

 

 

if it were me, and you asked for what would we do if, I would be thinking about having a cut off point to all of this, and I would be saying or thinking, we either have one last Christmas and in the new year its a new start (ie, you leave him), or you make alternative arrangements with family and friends to see him or your son over Christmas but not spend the whole time with him.

 

 

either way you need to communicate your feelings and seriousness at what is going on and the fact that it cannot continue in this way.

 

 

if he is still abusive and aggressive with you then maybe it will force you to act quicker.

 

 

but whatever happens, get legal advice if you haven't already and look into all options properly, so you don't have another headache on your hands financially or domestically and so it will enable you to talk with greater strength and assertion than you are able to do at present and when it really counts!

 

 

you are already stretched emotionally at the moment and are talking about trying to make things work.

 

 

I suspect he is also secretly angry with you because you left him for 3 weeks and he had to deal with his own moods and miserable life for himself and had no one to sound off at, so on your return; all that resentment, jealousy and spite boiled over because he lost control of controlling you and needed to let you know how worthless you are on your return, in order to put you back in your place.

 

 

well you don't have to stay in that place!!!!!

 

 

but whatever you do it must be done with strength and if you threaten to go even for a day or so then you must go, he needs to see that you are serious and wont be treated like this anymore.

 

 

you have to think what all of this is doing to your child, not to mention your close family, one of which needs your love and is more deserving off it too! (your grandfather); but again it is another situation that for no fault of his or yours unfortunately is also depleting your energy, but not in the same toxic way, but it will still leave you run down and burnt out; and a frazzled head will only make you more vuneruble to this sort of abuse off your husband.

 

if you can join a gym or exercise class do, it'll help to burn some of the stresses and leave you feeling you have time out of the home. or join a hobby/social group or take up new interests for even just an hour a week or something.

 

if you can take your son to the park, safely in winter nights or if you have a day off etc, then again, nature will help you escape the home and his comments for at least 30 mins or so... also just feeding ducks in a park with a little one will force you to see innocent things in life again like a child, and that's no bad thing.

 

just get out of the house and away when you can, find out what you can to help in the worst case situation and then warn him you need to see a change by .......or youre gone.

 

I personally think you have stayed too long in this, but without knowing your situation and the many different strands that affect things for you then it is just a set of ideas for you to consider as far as proper advice goes, but if anything on the forum can help in any way wherever or whoever it comes from then that is a good thing.

 

but whatever you do, you MUST make a decision to do something by the new year. because if you do decide one thing and then later on give in, it will have been all for nothing!!!!! you are not helping your self esteem or the development of your child the way things stand. and of course he will not be inclined to change the way things are...why should he...he can treat you like he wants and you cant even talk to him as a wife to make him know that its not acceptable...and so he thinks and doesn't care what is acceptable anymore.

 

that's not a healthy loving relationship or even the foundations for a happy life!!!!!

 

I don't see him wanting to change I'm afraid the way things are at present (if at all) but i could be wrong,

 

but the real thing you need to find out and quickly is if he is truly capable of changing...and that is only a question you can answer. with your heart and hopes for the future!!!!!

 

best wishes, maxi.

Edited November 26, 2017 by maxi105

[LunaF]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to help me and appreciate it. All of the points everyone has made are very good points and I can agree with them all. I've considered them all the entire night.

 

I have been considering marriage counseling but I am probably 70% sure he will not be willing to go because he will see it as a 'waste' of money. I've thought alot about that option but I am very skeptical if he honestly has the ability to change. It took us the 4 years of our relationship to get him to stop drinking because he was endangering his life constantly and not until something bad happened and I threatened to leave, did he finally quit. Just thinking that it could take that amount of time to achieve any kind of change in him for the good of our family is already mentally exhausting.

 

I'm dreading any kind of separation and the road it will take me down because I know it is going to be difficult. I am a stay at home mom and have not worked since my son was born. I have no form of income other than him. I know first hand how long and horrible divorce can be because my parents divorced when I was younger and I still see them dealing with it til this day. I know that is part of the reason I have stayed so long. I wanted this to work out because I didn't want my son to have to grow up and have to go through what my sister and I went through but at this point I think it will be an even more toxic environment for him to be around and I don't want that.

 

Maxi, you have given me many valid ideas. I do like the idea of trying to take some more time away to try and get myself in a better head space. My husband works 2 jobs and is rarely home as it is and I have actually become very grateful that he does because those days I am free to go about my day with my son as I wish. I know we've reached a bad place in the relationship because I actually find myself dreading the days he is off and at home because I know they will be accompanied by fighting and hostility. I also really like the idea of keeping the new year in mind. For a better fresh start whether it be to try and fix things or to begin my own life separately.

 

I have decided that I will try and talk to him today. I haven't talked to him about anything so I am unsure where his head is at. Depending on what we discuss I will need to begin getting my ducks in a row as precautions for if I do decide to leave.

It is going to be difficult to do anything without any income though. And unfortunately I have no family in my state. Everyone is a 4 hour plane ride or more away.

I will need to discuss with a lawyer as well.

 

Any advice that can be given about divorce and how to make it as easy as possible on your family is appreciated. I honestly do not know where to even begin if we do decide to do it. It's so overwhelming.

 

Thank you all again. Reading your replies has really helped put this into perspective about what needs to happen.

[d0nnivain]

Does he go to AA? Can you talk to his sponsor to get him on board with the MC?

[Ronni_W]

Does he go to AA? Can you talk to his sponsor to get him on board with the MC?

I do agree with d0nnivain that perhaps external (third party) help and support is potentially your best bet/ally right now, if you want to salvage your marriage.

 

Since AA (and Al-Anon for the families) is essentially a spiritual-based organization, possibly these two articles will help you decide if that is the way for you (and/or your husband) to go: Alcoholics Anonymous and The problem with alcohol and how that affects relationships.

[LunaF]

Does he go to AA? Can you talk to his sponsor to get him on board with the MC?

 

He unfortunately does not do AA in person because of his work schedule. So far he has gotten by by watching videos and talks online. But those do sound like good options and are worth trying out. I will need to look into them and see if I can convince him tonight to try and find some sort of third party to mediate for us if he is willing to try and salvage things.

 

Thank you Ronni_W, I will take a look at those links. Much appreciated.

[BaileyB]

That's not a happy life... If he is not willing to go for counselling and things do not improve, I would be seriously considering leaving.

 

I don't care how hard his life is, he don't have the right to berate and belittle his partner for the rest of your life. That's not ok.