I need to give up on it for good.

[shrikesong]

I was in an abusive relationship for eleven months. It was my very first relationship.

 

Some of the things that characterized the abuse from my ex:

- pathological lying (lying about seeking help, lying about sexual history, lying about having lost a family member... the list goes on)

- verbal abuse

- shaming me for my choice in friends, discouraged me from associating with them

- physical restraint and taking away my car keys and phone at one point when a disagreement blew up

- threats. Holy crap, the threats. He would almost always threaten me when things went wrong

 

I broke up with him two weeks ago for these reasons. It was an emotionally painful break up that ended in tears. He threatened me during it.

 

Despite all this, for whatever reason, I felt the urge to want to help him as I saw how truly unhappy he was. Every time some big fight happened, there would be a point where it seemed like he was expressing remorse. I reached out to him recently and got nothing but complete scorn from him. He accused me of being a liar, denied that he ever threatened me and diagnosed me with some nonsens disorder claiming that I’m unable to feel emotions and this never loved him.

 

He blocked me and I stupidly told him on another messaging program that he was wrong that I didn’t ever love him and that I would always be there for him. I deeply regret doing that and I’m afraid it will just piss him off even more and lead to more threats.

 

I need to be done. The relationship has done nothing but hurt me. I hate to diagnose people but I feel there is something deeply wrong with him. It kind of disturbs me.

[burnt]

Usually when someone gets involved in an abusive relationship, it means BOTH parties have something "deeply wrong" with them.

 

Not guaranteed, but chances are both you and he had dysfunctional pasts (dysfunctional parents/up-bringing/inter-personal relationships).

 

It is good that you have ended the relationship with him. But I would caution you against just seeing him as the sole "bad guy" in this.

 

You should spend of bit of time being introspective and asking a few questions:

• Why did you engage with a man that abusive? What was in YOU that made you stay with him for eleven months?

• What did he see in you that made him want to stay with you for that long? Abusive men, consciously or subconsciously seek out women with low self esteem, weak/needy/dependent personalities. You may want to read about "co-dependency".

 

What I'm trying to say is that if you put all the blame on him, then it will make you feel great for the time, but chances are you will end up in a similar situation again in the future.

 

I am sorry for what you have gone through, especially this being your first relationship.

It's good that you realized that you needed to end it.

Yes, it was a mistake to reach out to him after he blocked you. Take it as a lesson. Do NOT have any more contact with him here on.

You need to heal yourself and any contact with him will only damage you further.

[shrikesong]

Usually when someone gets involved in an abusive relationship, it means BOTH parties have something "deeply wrong" with them.

 

Not guaranteed, but chances are both you and he had dysfunctional pasts (dysfunctional parents/up-bringing/inter-personal relationships).

 

It is good that you have ended the relationship with him. But I would caution you against just seeing him as the sole "bad guy" in this.

 

You should spend of bit of time being introspective and asking a few questions:

• Why did you engage with a man that abusive? What was in YOU that made you stay with him for eleven months?

• What did he see in you that made him want to stay with you for that long? Abusive men, consciously or subconsciously seek out women with low self esteem, weak/needy/dependent personalities. You may want to read about "co-dependency".

 

What I'm trying to say is that if you put all the blame on him, then it will make you feel great for the time, but chances are you will end up in a similar situation again in the future.

 

I am sorry for what you have gone through, especially this being your first relationship.

It's good that you realized that you needed to end it.

Yes, it was a mistake to reach out to him after he blocked you. Take it as a lesson. Do NOT have any more contact with him here on.

You need to heal yourself and any contact with him will only damage you further.

 

Yeah, you’re right that there are things wrong with me. I didn’t have the most loving parents and was bullied horribly throughout my childhood and adolescence. I definitely have very low self-esteem and suffer from social anxiety as I am diagnosed with autism. I feel isolated from people and do not have many close friends so I do need to work on tha.

 

I don’t think anything he did was justifiable no matter how you look at it though. I never cheated on him, threatened him, or violated his trust to the degree he did toward me. He was threatening me with things I trusted him with. I was the one who sought therapy while in the relationship while he always made excuses or stalled on it. I feel that seeing any of his actions as justifiable does nothing but hurt me. I’m not trying to feel great over making him an object of scorn and making myself feel blameless. I already feel deeply hurt and violated by what he did to me and that is enough. I understand I made a mistake in continuing things as long as I did and I struggle still with a lot of the hurtful things he said to me.

 

Sorry, if it feels like I’m taking offense to your post.. I understand your point. I need to avoid another relationship like this in the future. I guess it’s something I will definitely bring up in therapy.

Edited November 26, 2017 by shrikesong

[Journeybehindyoureye]

Hey OP definitely don’t let that other commenter make you feel like you’re to blame for the abuse. There is no justification for abuse. There may be explanations for the abuse, but that doesn’t excuse it.

 

That being said, it IS really good to be self reflective and own up to any mistakes, unhealthy behavioral tendencies of your own, etc. That’s what everyone should do. But you absolutely don’t deserve to be abused.

 

I had a really intense complicated first relationship myself - not abusive but ended up really unhealthy - and it really sucks to try and deal with a mess of a person when you’ve never dated before. And even more when you’re sensitive, empathetic, mentally ill yourself (as I am)

 

I’m glad you’ve got a therapist for support. Please watch your safety and get support from other relationship violence resources if there continues to be contact from your ex, especially threats.

 

Best wishes <3