Moving too fast?

[Jsos91]

Hi everyone,

 

I just wanted some advice on a conversation my girlfriend and I had a couple days ago.

 

I’ll start by saying, my previous two long term relationships moved very very fast. We were living together within the first 8 months in the first one (she had family problems and needed a place to stay). The second relationship was within 5 months (I had health issues and lost my license so she offered to drive me to and from work). Needless to say, those relationships didn’t work out and I’ve been very weary of taking things slow in this relationship.

 

The other night she mentioned looking for work in my area (we live about 40 mins apart) and brought up her lease and my lease ending around the same time, which was around 6 months from now. This would mean we would have only been dating for 10 months. I knew where the conversation was going and I do admit I tensed up a bit. I told her if she found part time work, I’d have no issue with her having to stay over more often but that I wasn’t ready to commit to moving in together. She got a little weird and upset and started kind of beating herself up about bringing it up. She said that she just wanted to know that I at least saw our relationship headed in that direction and I said of coarse, I was optimistic about things as you should be with a partner. I’ve just found since we had the conversation, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious about what’s going to happen now, I don’t think I want to move in with someone again until I’ve been dating them for at least a year, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like my commitment level isn’t there. I don’t even know if this is really a conversation we should’ve been having at this point since we’re only going on 4 months. She knows I’ve been really conscious of taking things slow and I feel like she’s pushing me a bit. I’m just wondering if this is something I should talk to her about now? Or maybe wait a bit and see how things go?

[d0nnivain]

I would have problems with anybody who mentioned living together so soon, even though you have done it before.

 

 

I think her bigger fear right now though is that she ruined things by pushing too hard too early.

 

 

Do speak to her. Assure her that the conversation didn't make you want to run screaming but get her to understand while your relationship is on track for how long you have known each other you think it's premature to talking about living together. Do say that the next time your leases are about to be up. assuming things keep going the positive way they have been going, you'd be open to revising the issue then, in the future. The keys to this delicate conversation are keeping it upbeat, vague, & reassuring that it's prematurity did not derail what you have going on.

 

 

If you really want to reassure her, send her a holiday arrangement of flowers.

[kendahke]

You need to talk to her in person and tell her that while you're enjoying the pace of things right now, you haven't moved off the mindset that you two have to have at least a year of dating under your belts before thinking about moving in with one another.

 

Right now, at 4 months in, you're in the waning weeks of the honeymoon period. Now is when the representatives who have been on their best behavior are being dismissed and the "real you" and the "real her" is coming to the fore to take over--and this is also when weak foundational relationships begin failing.

 

The fact that she's looking to you to save her instead of looking for a roommate situation says that she's rushing things with you when she doesn't know you well enough to make that level of life decisions. She can find a 6-month or a month-to-month lease situation so that if things work out well for you two, it won't be a year from May that she has to stay where she is, waiting on the lease to run out.

 

Don't give in on this--what you two have doesn't have the legs to support this, let alone run this gauntlet.

[rickwman]

I would express my feelings towards her. A long lasting relationship is based on truth, honesty and understanding each other's expectations. Glad to hear you are moving slower with her. Sometimes moving fast is based on emotions and you haven't had time to consider all of your options. I'll pray and stand with you that your standing on truth and honesty!

[sdraw108]

I think you're nitpicking. You want to wait 12 months before moving in together, and this proposal would be after 10 months. Is the 2 month difference really that important?

 

I think a more sensible plan would have been to tell her, "Let's see how it goes and talk about it again closer to the end of the 6 months".

 

Personally I think it's fine to move in earlier than 1 year. Life's too short to be wasting time on things that aren't going to work out, so it's better to find out sooner rather than later if you're compatible living under the same roof. That's just my personal view though, and I appreciate that not everybody is the same.