Public approaches and how to impress.

[ZA Dater]

I pondered this over the weekend. What made me ponder it was, I was at a market, food, hand made good etc. There was an animal rescue shelter there with puppies and dogs to adopt. Naturally there were volunteers, young ladies, most probably 19-23 in age.

 

 

One of which really caught my eye but how do you actually make small talk without coming off as creepy?

 

 

Sure, here the in would have been to talk about the puppy she was holding but how do you actually go from there, it seems to me you only realistically have 5 min to make any sort of impression and even then you carry a risk because chances are being stunning she isn't single to begin with.

 

 

How do you maximise those 5 minutes, another idea I had was to try the donations angle but I did try that with something else and it didn't really work.

 

 

I have just never been good at this "5 minutes" to impress thing, probably why most people find me completely unimpressive on first acquaintance but over time that does change, albeit in the friendship way.

 

 

Its always been in the back of my mind that perhaps a lot of the reason I don't enjoy dating success is the inability to impress people enough or intrigue them, probably because I think after so many "no" or one date dinner wonders I simply "switch off".

[PegNosePete]

Don't approach women when they're working. Voluntarily or otherwise.

[ZA Dater]

Don't approach women when they're working. Voluntarily or otherwise.

 

 

 

Ok point noted.

 

 

Seemed to me to be the best time to approach someone as you can then hopefully find something common to talk about but I see how it can cut the other way.

 

 

I have never approached anyone ever so I honestly wouldn't know hence my question, I'll avoid the work scenario in future.

[CptInsano]

The problems is that you are thinking of it as an approach and not a chat. I talked to several women I didn't know last weekend, but it was never an approach, I really just wanted to chat. I wasn't looking for somebody, so it was an easy thing to do.

 

But if you think of it as an approach then it will most likely be awkward, when in fact you're really just having an initial conversation and nothing more.

[ZA Dater]

The problems is that you are thinking of it as an approach and not a chat. I talked to several women I didn't know last weekend, but it was never an approach, I really just wanted to chat. I wasn't looking for somebody, so it was an easy thing to do.

 

But if you think of it as an approach then it will most likely be awkward, when in fact you're really just having an initial conversation and nothing more.

 

 

 

The two seems very much the same thing to me. Mostly the reason why I don't do it is I don't have that great an ability to make "small talk". I am always left amazed by guys who can do this and for the most part it seems to really work well.

 

 

Me, I end up saying something I think is amusing but the other person doesn't get it or there is no conversational connection at all.

 

 

Sometimes I wish there was something else I could do that would make this a bit easier because the odd time I have tried it, its been very awkward. Guys who seem to succeed at this cold approach seem to have something I don't have or haven't yet found, sure some have supreme confidence and I don't have that at all but it also seems they are able to relate better which I really battle at.

[Purepony]

What if youbseem to like the person and that’s your only chance ? I mean you might not see a volunteer again so ...? Let the chance go ?

[CptInsano]

The two seems very much the same thing to me. Mostly the reason why I don't do it is I don't have that great an ability to make "small talk". I am always left amazed by guys who can do this and for the most part it seems to really work well.

 

In the vast majority of cases it's not an ability they were born with, but the result of practice, maybe combined with a curiosity about people in general.

 

Me, I end up saying something I think is amusing but the other person doesn't get it or there is no conversational connection at all.

 

It's not about the first line, but about what follows. Unless the humor is situational, it can easily confuse and/or come across as practiced. If you need to think about what to say the moment is likely gone.

 

I would practice by talking to people you have no interest in. Senior citizens are usually a grateful target, and quite happy when a "young man" talks to them. Or ask people for directions, it really doesn't matter. The key point is that starting a conversation should feel natural after a while.

[ZA Dater]

In the vast majority of cases it's not an ability they were born with, but the result of practice, maybe combined with a curiosity about people in general.

 

 

 

It's not about the first line, but about what follows. Unless the humor is situational, it can easily confuse and/or come across as practiced. If you need to think about what to say the moment is likely gone.

 

I would practice by talking to people you have no interest in. Senior citizens are usually a grateful target, and quite happy when a "young man" talks to them. Or ask people for directions, it really doesn't matter. The key point is that starting a conversation should feel natural after a while.

 

 

 

I realise its a ridiculous thing to say but the vast number of people don't interest me that much. For example the quote in your signature does catch my eye because how many people really know who Walter Rohrl is (I do).

 

 

My mistake I think is the people I have met that I do like were exceptional people but not gettable for me.

 

 

I'll try what you suggest.

[CptInsano]

I realise its a ridiculous thing to say but the vast number of people don't interest me that much.

 

But how do you know that if you only talk to a few? I am also only compatible with maybe 1% of the women in my age group. But that simply means I need to talk to many, as I have no easy way to determine otherwise who that person might be. Or were you referring to looks in particular?

 

For example the quote in your signature does catch my eye because how many people really know who Walter Rohrl is (I do).

 

He definitely has a dry sense of humor, and he's really good at what he does. Makes me think of him saying that a car is only fast enough if you are afraid to drive it.

 

My mistake I think is the people I have met that I do like were exceptional people but not gettable for me.

 

Out of curiosity: What made them so?

[ZA Dater]

But how do you know that if you only talk to a few? I am also only compatible with maybe 1% of the women in my age group. But that simply means I need to talk to many, as I have no easy way to determine otherwise who that person might be. Or were you referring to looks in particular?

 

 

 

He definitely has a dry sense of humor, and he's really good at what he does. Makes me think of him saying that a car is only fast enough if you are afraid to drive it.

 

 

 

Out of curiosity: What made them so?

 

 

 

What made them so, 90% personality, 10% looks. I have met exceptionally beautiful people who didn't interest me and I have made people not as pretty but had amazing personalities and they did interest me and in one instance I met someone who was both and in many respects that was the ultimate.

 

 

If someone can give me a go, challenge me, has a strong personality, well spoken, intelligent, those people interest me a lot.

[Amethyst11]

A great question because there is no definite answer.

 

When I was young, I tried it your way and almost always was rejected. I call the quick pickup. It might work in a small college.

..unless you use a pretext or polite lie. If you are at a place where pets are adopted, you can say to the girl I know someone who has three dogs--or cats-- he wants to give away or sell.

Find out what kind she wants first. Give her your number. If she calls, you can either say they were given away, OR actually do some work for her and find her what she wants at a shelter, if you really like her. This is a long shot anyway because she may have no interest in you beyond pet talk. If it fails, you will have helped adopt a pet and helped a stranger.

 

OR--talk a bit, SMILE, and say I wish we had more time to talk. Let her say something next or drop it.

[CptInsano]

[...]

If someone can give me a go, challenge me, has a strong personality, well spoken, intelligent, those people interest me a lot.

 

Those type of women should not be that rare in university settings or in urban areas? Do you live in a rural area or do you suspect that these women are in turn not interested in you? Or does it truly come down to finding a connection?

[Bantosm]

Don't approach women when they're working. Voluntarily or otherwise.

I disagree. If you see someone that you potentially might be interested at least try something to open the door because it's likely you'll never see them again. I had several good relationship that began by doing that and they were thankful that I approached. Besides it's common for people to work certain types of jobs just for the chance to new meet people just make sure some reciprocal signs before trying anything and proceed slowly.

[thefooloftheyear]

This won't affect me at all, as I don't engage women I don't know personally and never "cold approached" a woman in my life. but with all of the recent take downs of seemingly any guy out there with a working penis, plus the whole #metoo movement, I do wonder what effect this may have on some guys that often make passes at and hit on random women walking down the street..

 

I know there is a difference between real sexual assault or intimidation/coercion and just garden variety back and forth between the opposite sexes, but when the lines start to get blurred, and hysteria starts to take hold, it seems natural that some type of pull back or toning down would be the end result...

 

I wonder how women feel about this...Do they now worry that it will take some "quality" guys off the market or drive them into the category of guys that don't hit on women and wait for them(women) to make a move or turn a light green??

 

And of the guys that are interested in learning "the game" or are already playing it, do you all worry a bit about how things could get twisted or misconstrued and potentially land you in hot water or at the very least called out on social media or...??

 

TFY

[Be_Strong]

This won't affect me at all, as I don't engage women I don't know personally and never "cold approached" a woman in my life. but with all of the recent take downs of seemingly any guy out there with a working penis, plus the whole #metoo movement, I do wonder what effect this may have on some guys that often make passes at and hit on random women walking down the street.

 

Every sex harassment/sex assault claim that has come out in the news recently has been very clear cut in my opinion. Not one time have I thought, “gee that sure seemed like garden-variety flirtatious behavior that almost all guys engage in.” Typically, there is an abuse of power (such as a boss with an employee), inappropriate age difference, outright assault of an unwilling victim, or downright creepy behavior that everyone would agree is just flat out wrong.

 

Normal people easily know the difference between ok and not ok. Hitting on a girl at a bar? You’re fine. Walking up to a girl on the street and whipping out your genitals and saying “you want some of this?” Not ok.

[CptInsano]

This won't affect me at all, as I don't engage women I don't know personally and never "cold approached" a woman in my life. but with all of the recent take downs of seemingly any guy out there with a working penis, plus the whole #metoo movement, I do wonder what effect this may have on some guys that often make passes at and hit on random women walking down the street..

 

Nothing changes much for me, meaning that just starting a conversation that could possibly lead to more remains socially acceptable. Two women started one with me last weekend, and I don't think they were much concerned about it, either. It's just small-talk, a chat, a flirt, and in most cases neither side pushes it further.

 

I know there is a difference between real sexual assault or intimidation/coercion and just garden variety back and forth between the opposite sexes, but when the lines start to get blurred, and hysteria starts to take hold, it seems natural that some type of pull back or toning down would be the end result... [/Quote]

 

I fully agree with you here. But for that to occur you would have to consider yourself an offender in the first place. Otherwise this debate won't have any impact on your life. So far it had absolutely zero impact on mine.

[alphamale]

...it seems to me you only realistically have 5 min to make any sort of impression...

 

actually, women know within 10 seconds of meeting a man whether they will date/sleep with him.

[WaitingForBardot]

actually, women know within 10 seconds of meeting a man whether they will date/sleep with him.

Well, most women anyway. The trick is in learning to tell which ones are so inclined...

[thefooloftheyear]

Every sex harassment/sex assault claim that has come out in the news recently has been very clear cut in my opinion. Not one time have I thought, “gee that sure seemed like garden-variety flirtatious behavior that almost all guys engage in.” Typically, there is an abuse of power (such as a boss with an employee), inappropriate age difference, outright assault of an unwilling victim, or downright creepy behavior that everyone would agree is just flat out wrong.

 

Normal people easily know the difference between ok and not ok. Hitting on a girl at a bar? You’re fine. Walking up to a girl on the street and whipping out your genitals and saying “you want some of this?” Not ok.

 

 

Funny you should bring up the scenario of a bar...

 

As far back as the mid 1980s, where none of this was an issue(in the public light as it is now) and the "internet" had about 20 members, I worked in clubs where guys regularly got accused of inappropriate behavior towards women...It never happened to me, so I don't know what the outcomes were, but the clubs/patrons got dragged into court for more times than I can remember.....My guess is a percentage were legitimate, while some were just borne out of vindictiveness or revenge for something that had nothing to do with the accusation..

 

Look...If you properly comprehended my previous post, I stated that most people know the difference...All I am saying is that the way things seem to explode now, it may be a situation where this just becomes another way for guys to get slapped around, and therefore refrain entirely from the process....I already know many guys that stopped commenting on women just if they look nice or got a new hairdo....They just won't do it anymore...

 

TFY

Edited November 29, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[carhill]

actually, women know within 10 seconds of meeting a man whether they will date/sleep with him.

IIRC, my exW told me it's typically they know within ten seconds who they for sure won't have sex with. Other guys can get more time but the hammer can fall at any second. They let him talk and he can nuke himself.

 

Publicly my first impression is one of human interest, not flirtation, as I'm rarely immediately attracted to any woman I happen to encounter. I don't worry or even think about impressing them. It's totally fluid. That's probably why I ended up with many female friends and few lovers in my younger years.

 

OP, in your scenario I would have focused on the animals as a potential mutual shared interest as you know for sure she has an interest in animals sufficient to work or volunteer at an adoption center. Things go as they will. In such scenarios I can usually get a lady to gush her life story out to me in a few minutes of talking, mainly because it's not a formula or a program rather sincere human interest. If she's married or has a boyfriend, he'll usually get covered, especially in a scenario like you're describing, where an animal is involved. IDK, maybe it's just a skill I have. Heck, last time I was out in the yard at my new place I practically had to run off the mail lady when she stopped by to chat and wondered where I had been.

 

Focus on the moments. That's what makes life so valuable. Said it before since you post this stuff a lot but good luck!

[Chris2016]

The two seems very much the same thing to me. Mostly the reason why I don't do it is I don't have that great an ability to make "small talk". I am always left amazed by guys who can do this and for the most part it seems to really work well.

 

 

Me, I end up saying something I think is amusing but the other person doesn't get it or there is no conversational connection at all.

 

 

Sometimes I wish there was something else I could do that would make this a bit easier because the odd time I have tried it, its been very awkward. Guys who seem to succeed at this cold approach seem to have something I don't have or haven't yet found, sure some have supreme confidence and I don't have that at all but it also seems they are able to relate better which I really battle at.

 

It's a two way street my friend. I don't care how much I struggle, don't have the looks, whatever. If you can't acknowledge/respond to me, think of me as lower than you. You can go F yourself! Don't deal with those women (or people). There will always be people who won't do that. You interact with these people.

 

Take for example, nice looking cashier lady at store. I come through, she's not engaging with me, not even fake customer service. Looks down on me. I can tell sense it. Nice looking guy comes through, eyes perk up. She doesn't know him from sh*t, except his looks. Yeah. Next time, I'm cordial but not extending, hi and bye good luck. Save your extensions for people who won't behave like that towards you, and there will be.

[ZA Dater]

IIRC, my exW told me it's typically they know within ten seconds who they for sure won't have sex with. Other guys can get more time but the hammer can fall at any second. They let him talk and he can nuke himself.

 

Publicly my first impression is one of human interest, not flirtation, as I'm rarely immediately attracted to any woman I happen to encounter. I don't worry or even think about impressing them. It's totally fluid. That's probably why I ended up with many female friends and few lovers in my younger years.

 

OP, in your scenario I would have focused on the animals as a potential mutual shared interest as you know for sure she has an interest in animals sufficient to work or volunteer at an adoption center. Things go as they will. In such scenarios I can usually get a lady to gush her life story out to me in a few minutes of talking, mainly because it's not a formula or a program rather sincere human interest. If she's married or has a boyfriend, he'll usually get covered, especially in a scenario like you're describing, where an animal is involved. IDK, maybe it's just a skill I have. Heck, last time I was out in the yard at my new place I practically had to run off the mail lady when she stopped by to chat and wondered where I had been.

 

Focus on the moments. That's what makes life so valuable. Said it before since you post this stuff a lot but good luck!

 

 

 

Thinking about it I think its all down to judgement and not coming off as being awkward, neither of which are terribly good at when it comes to this sort of thing. Give me a complex corporate meeting and I am completely ok, ask me to deal with difficult people and I am ok, ask me to mediate and I am ok.

 

 

Ask me to try talk to some random pretty girl, the intimidation factor is high and it just never really works or what I say doesn't really work because I over think the scenario.

 

 

I listened to a interesting motivational speaker today, in her opinion happiness is hope.

 

 

I do sort of hope that one day I can find what most find so easy but if I don't then so be it.

[ZA Dater]

It's a two way street my friend. I don't care how much I struggle, don't have the looks, whatever. If you can't acknowledge/respond to me, think of me as lower than you. You can go F yourself! Don't deal with those women (or people). There will always be people who won't do that. You interact with these people.

 

Take for example, nice looking cashier lady at store. I come through, she's not engaging with me, not even fake customer service. Looks down on me. I can tell sense it. Nice looking guy comes through, eyes perk up. She doesn't know him from sh*t, except his looks. Yeah. Next time, I'm cordial but not extending, hi and bye good luck. Save your extensions for people who won't behave like that towards you, and there will be.

 

 

 

What you describe is something I am very conscious of. Hard work has brought me some success but be it a cab driver, a waitress or a CEO they all get treated with the same degree of respect because when all is said and done we are all the same.

 

 

Fortunately I haven't met many ladies who consider themselves superior over me but what I have experienced is where I am deemed an inferior choice when judged against others.

 

 

When it comes to looks, I am 5.9, slim, blond hair, blue eyes, athletic and I can tell you I do a lot worse than guys who aren't in shape, in fact I would say looks count for very little if you cant get an approach right or you cant relate to someone. None of those guys are 33 and never had a gf, none of them, not one!

 

 

Looks do help but they don't make up for personality deficiencies, at least not in my case!

 

 

Friend introduces me to ladies and I think between us we have tacitly agreed not to do this anymore because each time its a total disaster, yes once it did kind of work, she was a stock broker and we could have a business chat. Maybe the problem is one of my own making, I just don't generally find many people interesting enough to actually want to know about them because ultimately the entire combination is about them and I get asked nothing.

[halleysinvestigation]

My advice? always take your chance, it could probably be the first and last chance you would ever have. go for it, anything that happens, you have nothing to lose, you simply move on or win, nothing else.