Is writing a letter/email for closure to your ex a good idea?

[ktragers]

For a while I've been contemplating about writing an email to my ex to let out my emotions, let him know how I feel, and put a proper end to our relationship. It just helps me heal in some ways to write these things down and I'm not looking for reconciliation or anything with him. I just don't want us to be "enemies" and I'd like to keep the line of communication open down the road.

 

He broke up with me 4 months ago due to his job situation. Long story short, he felt like he didn't have a choice and in the end love is not enough. The whole situation was unfortunate and neither of us wanted to part ways but he felt like we had to. We've run into each other once about a month or so ago and he got teary eyed and emotional immediately, telling me he's still getting over it and it's still painful. I was very friendly with him and said I don't blame him, but deep down I'm so hurt because he still chose his career over me, and that after all that I'd done for him, he chose to let me go.

 

Recently I've heard from our mutual friends that he's trying to move on in order to stay sane. He feels like we all eventually have to move on or else we'll continue to hurt. My friend said he's not looking to replace me but wants to create new memories and start seeing someone new. They also told me that he'd like to see his next girlfriend with the qualities I had.

 

I've actually had an email written and it's been sitting in my draft box for a while. It's not accusatory or negative but mostly genuine about my feelings and how I'd like to forgive him and what happened so that I can restore peace in my mind. I want him to know that I don't want to harbor resentment for him because it's not worth it. I want to love again so I don't want the love inside me to disappear. And I appreciate all the wonderful memories we had, etc. I guess I'll probably never get a response from him and that's okay.

[d0nnivain]

Writing it can provide closure. Sending it is always a terrible idea.

 

My advice, print it out. Re-read it. Stick it in a drawer for at least a week. Re-read it again. See how needy you sound. Stick it in a drawer a while longer. Re-read again.

 

Eventually in a safe space, light it on fire. Watch the flames lick the paper. Watch the smoke drift away.

 

Do not transmit it to the EX.

[Zippy2000]

I wouldn't personally send a letter/email.

 

 

It acts as a permanent reminder of what happened. I would just leave things as they are and try to move on with life.

 

 

Sending any response is difficult for the other person too. What would they think and what reply would they send to you, if at all.

 

 

Imagine sending something and hear nothing back. I think that will hurt even more.

[Lamartine]

I agree with Donnivain.

 

As a lawyer, there are few things I enjoy more than writing strongly worded letters. I have sent several of the e-mails you describe. It has always felt great in the moment, but it has never done any good in the long term. I end up angry at myself for sounding angry or needy. Trust, I completely understand the temptation, but, at least in my experience, nothing good ever comes of it.

 

If you honestly feel the need to send a letter or e-mail. Write it, print it, read it every day for a week or two, and, after some real reflection, send it.

 

But I advise against it. It may have the opposite effect that you want: instead of providing you with closure, it just may re-open wounds that have begun to heal.

 

Best of luck to you. I know how badly these things hurt. If I knew you, I'd take you out to lunch or a movie to keep you distracted! Lean on your friends and family.

 

Just out of curiosity, what about his career compelled him to end your relationship?

[ktragers]

Writing it can provide closure. Sending it is always a terrible idea.

 

My advice, print it out. Re-read it. Stick it in a drawer for at least a week. Re-read it again. See how needy you sound. Stick it in a drawer a while longer. Re-read again.

 

Eventually in a safe space, light it on fire. Watch the flames lick the paper. Watch the smoke drift away.

 

Do not transmit it to the EX.

 

Good idea. Most people seem to advice against sending it. I admit that a small part of me wants to dump all these feelings and emotions on him so that he knows what I'm feeling may be entirely different than how I appear on the outside. It's a small consolation - in a weird way- to know that he'd like to see his next girlfriend with my qualities, but deep down I secretly hope he never finds that strong of a connection with someone again.

[ktragers]

I agree with Donnivain.

 

As a lawyer, there are few things I enjoy more than writing strongly worded letters. I have sent several of the e-mails you describe. It has always felt great in the moment, but it has never done any good in the long term. I end up angry at myself for sounding angry or needy. Trust, I completely understand the temptation, but, at least in my experience, nothing good ever comes of it.

 

If you honestly feel the need to send a letter or e-mail. Write it, print it, read it every day for a week or two, and, after some real reflection, send it.

 

But I advise against it. It may have the opposite effect that you want: instead of providing you with closure, it just may re-open wounds that have begun to heal.

 

Best of luck to you. I know how badly these things hurt. If I knew you, I'd take you out to lunch or a movie to keep you distracted! Lean on your friends and family.

 

Just out of curiosity, what about his career compelled him to end your relationship?

 

It was rather complicated and unfortunate. He's a government/army guy and I'm only a green card holder (aka foreigner). Apparently it's a deal breaker for his work but quite an absurd one that not many people really understand. I guess he was always antsy about how this may play out in the end but I wish he'd let me go earlier if it would be such a "red flag" for his job and prevented all this heartache. He eventually found out that he'd lose his job if we were to get married or move in together so he decided to end this.

[smackie9]

Showing him you are strong, and not going to let him get you all messed up, puts you in the winner's circle.

 

The dumper sometimes gets satisfaction out of seeing the dumpee having a hard time with the breakup. Kind of an ego boost.

[d0nnivain]

. He eventually found out that he'd lose his job if we were to get married or move in together so he decided to end this.

 

Now I remember your story.

 

Don't send the letter.

 

Things may change. You may become naturalized. He may leave his present employment.

 

Do not wait around for those things but there is no need to burn this bridge.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Personal case and point...

 

My ex-wife recently sent me a long email detailing among other things, how hurt she is, what diagnoses she perceives I fit, why I should admit fault, etc. I responded tersely, but did not acknowledge most of what she said. The reality is, if given the same circumstances, I would change a couple of things, but would still let her go. In her lengthy email, she only reminded me of why I had to leave and why I am not regretful for the actions I took. I am sorry that it had to happen, but I do not regret the choices I made. She also revealed that she has been monitoring my OLD profile. Not entirely surprised, but she has yet to move on despite her contention to the contrary.

 

Is that what you want? Are you hoping for an equally, emotional response as you put into your own? It will not happen and you may find it vastly unsatisfying which may lead to further dismay or frustration.

 

What is closure for you? A response. No response. A particular form of a response? If you are prepared for something inadequate or nothing at all, by all means send it. Just be prepared to be disappointed. But, perhaps, sending it is not necessary at all. Just move on and not be trapped by whatever response that may or may not come.

Edited November 27, 2017 by simpleNfit

[kendahke]

Writing it is fine. Sending it isn't.

 

You don't get closure like this--you just get drama and you keep the drama going by sending this. Chances are, he'll see it's from you and will delete it without reading it. Ex's sometimes do that and then you're still firmly on the hook wondering if he read it.

 

No--write it then delete it. You've gotten it out of your system and can now move on. That is the closure, not finding a way to remain connected one last time.

[Lorenza]

I've written a lot of lengthy, angry emails to my exes, in the heat of the moment. They've all stayed in drafts. Later on, I've revisited them and how thankful I was for not hitting send. I found them pathetic, pointless, awkward - and they would have made me look weak and broken. Probably even degrade me. But time has passed and I realized that such thing as closure doesn't even exist. You draw your conclusions (hopefully), live on - sometimes you go back to your failed relationships in your mind, cringe, then you forget them again for awhile. There is no door to be closed and we will undoubtedly go back to relive some of the painful memories, maybe even feel a shadow of all the negative emotions. But we'll carry on with our life and it will remain just that - a shadow of an emotion.

 

Write the letter and burn it. Your ex can't provide you closure. The fact that it ended for one reason or another answers all the questions you could have about it.

[Mittens]

I know the temptation to do this, but it's such a bad idea in the cold light of day. I've been on both sides, the one who sent an email - instantly regretted it, especially as I did get a reply and it was so hurtful and hateful I can still remember nearly every word 10 years later. And the one who received an email, telling me how I was making a massive mistake etc...all that one did was confirm me in the decision to break up with the ex. It annoyed me tbh, as he pestered me for months with texts and emails, to the point that in the end I ended up hating him.

 

Keep your dignity and don't send it.

[Highndry]

I don't think we ever get the answers we want to the questions we have, and even if we did it would probably lead to more questions, pain, etc. A letter would likely only serve to put everything in the forefront of your mind again. I personally wish I could just erase the entire relationship from memory.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I've written a lot of lengthy, angry emails to my exes, in the heat of the moment. They've all stayed in drafts. Later on, I've revisited them and how thankful I was for not hitting send. I found them pathetic, pointless, awkward - and they would have made me look weak and broken. Probably even degrade me. But time has passed and I realized that such thing as closure doesn't even exist. You draw your conclusions (hopefully), live on - sometimes you go back to your failed relationships in your mind, cringe, then you forget them again for awhile. There is no door to be closed and we will undoubtedly go back to relive some of the painful memories, maybe even feel a shadow of all the negative emotions. But we'll carry on with our life and it will remain just that - a shadow of an emotion.

 

Write the letter and burn it. Your ex can't provide you closure. The fact that it ended for one reason or another answers all the questions you could have about it.

 

I know the temptation to do this, but it's such a bad idea in the cold light of day. I've been on both sides, the one who sent an email - instantly regretted it, especially as I did get a reply and it was so hurtful and hateful I can still remember nearly every word 10 years later. And the one who received an email, telling me how I was making a massive mistake etc...all that one did was confirm me in the decision to break up with the ex. It annoyed me tbh, as he pestered me for months with texts and emails, to the point that in the end I ended up hating him.

 

Keep your dignity and don't send it.

 

I don't think we ever get the answers we want to the questions we have, and even if we did it would probably lead to more questions, pain, etc. A letter would likely only serve to put everything in the forefront of your mind again. I personally wish I could just erase the entire relationship from memory.

 

All reasons not to do it.

 

My response to my ex's email was far less than she wanted. She invested a great deal of time and energy crafting her email. It was non-conciliatory, condemning (some justified) and only revealed that she was not beyond our break-up. It also showed absolutely NO understanding of what transpired and brought out further evidence/indication of how our perspective of the break-up differs. I provided a response that was wholly understated compared to her email and matter-of-fact.

 

OP, you should expect the same or worse. Leave it alone.

[Chilli]

l sent it with my ex w , l was glad l did, there were things l wanted said and realized , not gone on forever after all that life together misunderstood or thought otherwise.

but after a marriage, it's a bit different.

 

With now ex gf after , l also sent it , left a few messages too. oops !

But we split a couple of times because it was a difficult sitch as we were 2/3 long distance. And there were other things too.

Twice we got back together because of stuff l let her know and we got talking about and sorted.

 

The last time we split though there really wasn't much else we could do with our situation, we'd both pretty well given up and it got a bit crazy and things were said, finally giving up was more her than me though.

 

Few weeks later l did send her an email though, l wanted to straighten out things that were said.

left her a phone message too, tbh l wanted to hear her voice on the on her message recording as well, and to say what it was in person.

 

It wasn't about getting back together, just straightening out things said.

l'm glad l did, because now she can go on life knowing and l know she'd listen to it and won't look down on me for going to the trouble to explain .

There'll be no more now, but l'm glad l did.

 

But,,,, they were both just my personal situations , everyone else's is their own and different stories.

l've got no time for childish NC bs if it means two people go on forever in life thinking and remembering the wrong thing after, l'd rather us both go on knowing the real story and having some kind of peace.

Edited November 27, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Weird how both my situations were a totally different out come to most here.

Guess it depends on the individual story to the relationship and it's ending.

 

l'm still on very good terms with my ex wife now and that's important because we have our daughter, but we also had 19yrs of life together, how sad would it be to end that in spite or hate.

 

With gf, l know we still love each other and there was so much between us, so again , how sad would it have been to go through life now thinking and remembering all the wrong things.

We probably won't talk again now but l also know there is peace.

Edited November 27, 2017 by Chilli

[str4]

I somewhat recently sent an email to my ex after being blocked after a nasty break up a couple months ago, and I can honestly say it didn't help. She just ignored it, I have no way of knowing if she even read it, and I felt like I took steps backward from being happy. I don't recommend it. I didn't say anything hurtful in the email either, just wished her the best with her new partner, and said that I didn't have any negative feelings toward her. I guess in a way it was selfish of me to send it, because she is starting a new relationship and speaking to me would only complicate things.

[Chilli]

See l'd say the opposite about that.

l'll bet you she read it and to me what you said makes you strong and man enough to say adios and good luck.

and that'll show now as you go into your new life knowing you set it straight.

If it set you back ahh, don't worry about it, few wks and it won't make any difference.

 

That's one thing l really loved about us , we could say our peace and the other would respect it.

At times she did , at times l did, we both hated shyt unsaid so we both understood it.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Chilli

[HumanMachine]

I disagree. Going out of your way to wish your ex and her new partner well for the future? Weak move and should never be done.