Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront

[usa1ah]

If she gives him all of the information she has, she will have no way of assessing whether his response is honest. In essence, she will be giving all control over the situation to her husband.

 

Not true. She still has all of the control. She is the one to decide if they remain married to one another. This is no time to play games.

[Jdoublenn]

Not true. She still has all of the control. She is the one to decide if they remain married to one another. This is no time to play games.

 

I would tend to agree except it seems he already is...

[usa1ah]

OP knows her husband has cheated.

 

What is there to investigate? This happened years ago.

 

I would understand investigating if she thought her husband was cheating but this is not the case.

 

Confront quietly and keep your poise. If you want time to think things through, have him leave. At the very least send him to sleep in another room.

[jcm 800]

I'm sorry you're in this position. I've been there, unfortunately. I found out that I had been lied to for 13 years by my ex (right to my face, nonetheless) about the details of a drunken tryst. The whole truth, if I actually did get it, was much worse than what I had been led to believe. I had to react rather than confront, which made it much harder for me to properly assess the situation.

 

I would say you definitely need to confront, but do it in a way that works for YOU. This is about you and your needs now. You have the power in this situation. Just be prepared to hear some difficult things. Doing this will help you keep your cool.

 

I hope you have a strong support system that you can lean on. If not, know that you have one here, and that you're not alone in this situation. Again, I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you.

[elaine567]

She needs to find out if he is still cheating which he may be, that is what she needs to investigate.

Of course if she is just going to divorce over this revelation then she need not bother, but if she is going to "forgive", then she needs to at least find out if he is still cheating on her as he may well be.

He got away with a 6 month affair with the babysitter, with no repercussions whatsoever.

Most cheaters it seems to me only modify their behaviour if the consequences are dire, with no consequences they just continue.

She had absolutely NO IDEA he was cheating on her in the past, I guess she has NO IDEA if he is cheating on her now.

 

She needs to investigate BEFORE he takes everything underground, which he will if she voices her suspicions.

She needs a level playing field if she is going to stay in this marriage and make a go of it.

NO point in going through all the motions to forgive a past indiscretion if present indiscretions are ongoing...

 

However if she is just going to go lalalala with her fingers in her ears and bury her head in the sand, then no need to investigate anything, confront him, swallow his lies, make up lots of excuses for him, and carry on...

[burnt]

If I were in your shoes, I would believe what she's said--she doesn't sound like she has a vindictive agenda, but only a clean honest way to make a fresh start with her fiancé.

 

Rather, put it this way: she told her fiancé about her indiscretions--that alone should say a lot about what type of person she is NOW. The fact that her fiancé is insisting her coming clean with the truth to you should also tell you what sort of a person she IS to want to marry a man with that kind of strong moral standards. So, I think I would consider her to be trustworthy and remorseful.

 

Now, if I were in your shoes I would want to know from her how the affair ended. Was it your husband who ended it or was she the one to end it? What were the circumstances during the affair?

 

As difficult as it may be, I would reach back to her and ask for all details about your husband, especially about things he might have confessed to her.

 

FYI, I am xOW. There are many things that my xMM confessed to me about that his wife never knew about--including his former indiscretions.

 

Before you address it to your husband, have *ALL* the truth out first.

And then even when you address it, do not tell him WHO has contacted you--just say that you know about one of his former affairs--let him tell you the truth and you will find out whether or not there were more affairs in his past.

 

If he is truthful, and this babysitter was his only affair partner, then he will admit that; if there were more, he won't know which one you know about and you are more likely to know about his secrets.

 

So, whatever you do...

do NOT show all your cards to him.

 

I am sorry that I'm suggesting that you must play a game at this point with him, but if you don't you may never know the truth--and that will eat you up alive in the long run.

[SummerDreams]

The disturbing thing for me is that he managed to do this for six months with a girl they had in their house who was taking care of their kids and never show a thing. I mean, someone must be an experienced cheater to hide this that good. Plus it makes me wonder about his ethics for that matter. He used to be the employer of this girl and probably a lot older than her. What would have happened had she not moved? What happened after she moved? Was she replaced? These are some serious issues.

[merrmeade]

Well, Gwen Stefani and Maria Shriver sure didn't wait around for second chances...

[Findingoutyearslater]

Thank you all for the advice and support.

 

I have no reason to believe she's making this up or trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Almost all of her Facebook pictures are with her fiance, including pictures that show proof of their engagement. Some of her posts are her excitement about wedding planning. I'm able to view her fiance's profile and it's the same when it comes to pictures of them together. He also posts a lot of faith-based messages and verses, so I really believe he encouraged her to do the right thing.

 

I did message her again to ask a few verifying details. She mentioned two specific things about my husband that are only visible if he's naked. She said that she isn't trying to spite me, but it's not fair to me that I'm living in the dark about my marriage. She said it was a mistake, that she was being immature and selfish. They never discussed feelings for each other or talked about being together. It sounds like she's trying to protect him because she said she was always the one to initiate sex. She flirted with him for a few months before it became physical, then that lasted for about six months. They would have sex two or three times a week in our guest room while leaving the kids in the family room to watch TV and play with their toys. There's no way I would know this because I was coming home from work hours later. When she moved away, she never contacted him and he didn't try to reach out to her.

 

There were a few times when they met on Saturday mornings at her apartment; I do remember him telling me had to go into the office to finish work. He hasn't done that since this affair.

 

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.

 

I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.

[SummerDreams]

The question you need to answer to yourself is, can you continue being with a man who was having sex with a stranger while his kids were in the next room? I'm not even gonna start about the lying, the pretending, the STDs etc.

[chinadiary]

The question you need to answer to yourself is, can you continue being with a man who was having sex with a stranger while his kids were in the next room? I'm not even gonna start about the lying, the pretending, the STDs etc.

 

 

 

It's a good point. But the OP says that they have a good marriage. That she thinks it's the only time.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is possible.

[SummerDreams]

It's a good point. But the OP says that they have a good marriage. That she thinks it's the only time.

 

Everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is possible.

 

How can she know it's one time? She didn't figure out what was happening for 6 months. How can she be sure she didn't figure out another 6 months, or 2 years or ...?

 

In my opinion a mistake doesn't last for 6 months. Once, twice may be a mistake. 6 months is a decision.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you all for the advice and support.

 

I have no reason to believe she's making this up or trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Almost all of her Facebook pictures are with her fiance, including pictures that show proof of their engagement. Some of her posts are her excitement about wedding planning. I'm able to view her fiance's profile and it's the same when it comes to pictures of them together. He also posts a lot of faith-based messages and verses, so I really believe he encouraged her to do the right thing.

 

I did message her again to ask a few verifying details. She mentioned two specific things about my husband that are only visible if he's naked. She said that she isn't trying to spite me, but it's not fair to me that I'm living in the dark about my marriage. She said it was a mistake, that she was being immature and selfish. They never discussed feelings for each other or talked about being together. It sounds like she's trying to protect him because she said she was always the one to initiate sex. She flirted with him for a few months before it became physical, then that lasted for about six months. They would have sex two or three times a week in our guest room while leaving the kids in the family room to watch TV and play with their toys. There's no way I would know this because I was coming home from work hours later. When she moved away, she never contacted him and he didn't try to reach out to her.

 

There were a few times when they met on Saturday mornings at her apartment; I do remember him telling me had to go into the office to finish work. He hasn't done that since this affair.

 

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.

 

I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.

 

Confronting him about this doesn't mean you have to destroy your kids' lives, or even your marriage for that matter. You can choose to forgive him, but you shouldn't carry the weight of this on your shoulders because you did nothing wrong.

 

Who initiated what doesn't matter at all; he's still equally as guilty as she is. She's just the only one owning up to it an apologizing to you for it.

 

What's the babysitting situation like in your family now? Do your kids still need/have a babysitter?

 

Does your husband work from home?

[merrmeade]

Confronting him about this doesn't mean you have to destroy your kids' lives, or even your marriage for that matter. You can choose to forgive him, but you shouldn't carry the weight of this on your shoulders because you did nothing wrong.

 

Who initiated what doesn't matter at all; he's still equally as guilty as she is. She's just the only one owning up to it an apologizing to you for it.

 

What's the babysitting situation like in your family now? Do your kids still need/have a babysitter?

 

Does your husband work from home?

Yes, but it won't and shouldn't be easy - ESPECIALLY FOR HIM.

 

The long and the short of it is that you only get beyond it and are able to forgive if you BOTH deal with the whole of it. You must absorb, react to and communicate to him the full spectrum of thoughts and feelings this discovery creates - especially important for you. He must absorb your reactions and take full ownership of the utter selfishness of his actions - exploiting his young employee and betraying his wife and family - not only the shame but the pain of causing you pain.

 

All of that is necessary before you can even think about forgiveness and not destroying the family, etc. Right now, you must put yourself first or it will eat at you till the day you die.

[Noproblem]

In simple words :

 

 

He cheated and went away with it. What a lucky fellow!

[deadsoul]

Thank you all for the advice and support.

 

I have no reason to believe she's making this up or trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Almost all of her Facebook pictures are with her fiance, including pictures that show proof of their engagement. Some of her posts are her excitement about wedding planning. I'm able to view her fiance's profile and it's the same when it comes to pictures of them together. He also posts a lot of faith-based messages and verses, so I really believe he encouraged her to do the right thing.

 

I did message her again to ask a few verifying details. She mentioned two specific things about my husband that are only visible if he's naked. She said that she isn't trying to spite me, but it's not fair to me that I'm living in the dark about my marriage. She said it was a mistake, that she was being immature and selfish. They never discussed feelings for each other or talked about being together. It sounds like she's trying to protect him because she said she was always the one to initiate sex. She flirted with him for a few months before it became physical, then that lasted for about six months. They would have sex two or three times a week in our guest room while leaving the kids in the family room to watch TV and play with their toys. There's no way I would know this because I was coming home from work hours later. When she moved away, she never contacted him and he didn't try to reach out to her.

 

There were a few times when they met on Saturday mornings at her apartment; I do remember him telling me had to go into the office to finish work. He hasn't done that since this affair.

 

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.

 

I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.

 

 

What have you decided to do? It doesn't seem like something you can just keep quiet about. Personally, I'd wish the babysitter just kept her mouth shut. If your relationship has been good except for that, I'd rather be kept in the dark. (I know this statement can start a whole argument on its own and I want to make it known that what is done is done, but she should've just kept her mouth shut. That's my opinion and it's okay if people disagree with it.)

 

I would be terrified as well, but now there's only one way to find out.

 

Good luck. Please keep us posted.

[dichotomy]

Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex.

 

Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. .

 

If that religion is Christian Based - these two statements make no sense. A very christian man would have asked her to seek forgiveness and express regret - not to punish your husband since SHE was the one who was the aggressor. I can't speak for other religions and their views - so maybe seeking forgiveness is not a part of them.

 

But yes you need to confront your husband.

Edited December 3, 2017 by dichotomy

[MIKEB1950]

Op this is a situation that needs a lot of thought. You know this woman, why do you think she waited till now? What do we know for sure? Is she really in a good honesty based relationship? Have you met her partner / fiance ? Do we even think a fiance would be interested in this alleged affair? Would she even tell someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with about her past? Could she be living a miserable life and having issues with the alleged partner? Could she see your life as perfect and be envious and simply want to disrupt it?

Why not approach your husband rather than "confront him" : certainly there needs to be some clarity and you deserve to understand if anything did take place. Problem is unless you get closure quickly you will be playing in your mind what you think could have happened and this will eat at you and your relationship. And as you already say life is good, you have an enviable life do you want to lose it disrupt it and bring grief upon you and the rest of the family.

 

The crucial thing Is to find out if it did or did not happen, then to rationalise if you can get beyond the hurt if it did, ask for total honesty as to wether this was the only "cheating" if it did and only you can decide if you want to save your marriage and way of life.

 

Some here will suggest deeper investigations and that is useful but it has to be swift otherwise it will eat at your very being and never speak to this woman again even if you find out she was lying, resist the urge to come down to her level.

 

Finally good luck I hope you get some peace in the end

[elaine567]

Personally, I'd wish the babysitter just kept her mouth shut.

 

And me.

 

This was cruel and unnecessary as there are kids involved here.

Adults sometimes just need to swallow their own guilt and not mess up other innocent lives.

Why did she even tell her fiancé?

What was the point?

It is 7 years ago and I guess she learnt her lesson, and if she is so pious she won't want to repeat her mistake, so why does it all need re-aired now?

Go to a confessional, thrash it out with a friend or a therapist, journal it... whatever it takes but this was not fair on the OP and her kids.

 

OWs often feel "in competition" with the wife and maybe that is it.

She left, he didn't follow and she now wants to get some revenge on his wife...

[SummerDreams]

And me.

 

This was cruel and unnecessary as there are kids involved here.

Adults sometimes just need to swallow their own guilt and not mess up other innocent lives.

Why did she even tell her fiancé?

What was the point?

It is 7 years ago and I guess she learnt her lesson, and if she is so pious she won't want to repeat her mistake, so why does it all need re-aired now?

Go to a confessional, thrash it out with a friend or a therapist, journal it... whatever it takes but this was not fair on the OP and her kids.

 

OWs often feel "in competition" with the wife and maybe that is it.

She left, he didn't follow and she now wants to get some revenge on his wife...

 

I rarely disagree with You but now I do disagree strongly. From the OW's point of view I understand she wants to start a new life with her future H based on the total truth and she has every right to do so. The OP's H is not innocent and he knew or should have known that the truth may some day be revealed. If the OW felt her life with her future H would be better after confessing to the OP, then she had every right to do so. When you commit a "crime" with another person you should alway expect that this person may reveal the truth one day. Had the OP's H not cheated to his W none of this would have happened. So I find it unfair to blame the OW for revealing after 7 years. She can of course be blamed for getting involved in an affair with a married man and doing this next room of where his kids were while she was supposed to be working. But that's about it in my opinion. The OP's H made his W vulnerable to many things when creating an affair and he should face the consequences which his W will choose what they will be.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Even though I would want to know, I make a point of never informing anyone of the affairs that go around at work or my wider social circle (FYI I have never been an OW, I just know of other's affairs).

 

OP is obviously very trusting. If I had a H that suddenly had to go to the office on Saturdays to finish work, that would be enough of a flag in itself. I would probably make a point of calling him in the office or similar at the very least. The fact that OP didn't notice at all (and I bet there were other subtle signs) makes me think that OP is the type of person that prefers to be kept in the dark. Ignorance is bliss.

 

So I have to agree that babysitter should have kept her mouth shut. People rarely do things out of the goodness of their own hearts to I wonder what she is hoping to accomplish.

[BluesPower]

If that religion is Christian Based - these two statements make no sense. A very christian man would have asked her to seek forgiveness and express regret - not to punish your husband since SHE was the one who was the aggressor. I can't speak for other religions and their views - so maybe seeking forgiveness is not a part of them.

 

Actually that is not totally correct...

 

And it is actually quite understandable. A big part of the Christen doctrine involves asking for forgiveness not only from God, but from the person that you have wronged. Of course if you are going to ask for forgiveness you have to come clean and confess about what you have done.

 

So, technically, OW's Fiancé was correct. However, it also shows that OWF has no understanding of infidelity and the pain that it can cause the BS.

 

Having said that, I still believe that in spite of the pain, every BS has the right to know what they are dealing with in their marriage. As painful as it is, she has the right to know what has gone on in her marriage.

 

So I think that the OW confessing about the affair, is actually a painful kindness that she is providing the BS in this situation.

 

But, to OP, you simply must confront your husband about his affair. There is no way you can carry that secret on your back and not be unaffected.

 

Further, you need, by your questioning, to understand what he confesses to in order to understand how many affairs he has had, as horrifying as that possibility may be...

[merrmeade]

Even though I would want to know, I make a point of never informing anyone of the affairs that go around at work or my wider social circle (FYI I have never been an OW, I just know of other's affairs).

 

OP is obviously very trusting. If I had a H that suddenly had to go to the office on Saturdays to finish work, that would be enough of a flag in itself. I would probably make a point of calling him in the office or similar at the very least. The fact that OP didn't notice at all (and I bet there were other subtle signs) makes me think that OP is the type of person that prefers to be kept in the dark. Ignorance is bliss.

 

So I have to agree that babysitter should have kept her mouth shut. People rarely do things out of the goodness of their own hearts to I wonder what she is hoping to accomplish.

Just to add to this sub-thread of the discussion, here's an example from reality:

 

My WH's ex OW ended up with his brother. I know: Blech. Disgusting. But nevermind for now. They lived together some years then decided to marry. Just before they did, she confessed the PA with his brother to her husband-to-be, who then told my husband "that he knew." Evidently NO ONE cared whether I knew, but my point is that, based on some regard or concern they had about the sibling relationship, there was a confession.

[Let's not get into why no one cared about their relationship with me. I'

m

able to separate out each person's interest, and I simply wasn't one of them. It's too painful and there's absolutely no whitewashing it,

so

please just leave it.]

I'm just offering a similar example about an agnostic couple, acknowledging a past affair before entering into matrimony. She told her husband-to-be so they could start their wedded life in honesty and openness. The gesture between the brothers was to clear the air for the sake of future family relations. Their actions were FAR and above more noble than my husband's, showed personal integrity and respect for each other most of all and, sadly, more evidence of my husband's lack of same.

 

It has something to do with religion for the ex-nanny perhaps because religion deals with right and wrong, character and weakness, etc., but questioning her motives on the basis of what a Christian would or would not do begs the question. These are also universal truths that are practiced by non-religious people and, therefore, beyond religion. That makes the impulse to confess and seek forgiveness from another individual credible for characters discussed in both stories.

 

I think OP should consider all of these similarities with her situation and be grateful that someone had enough compassion and respect for her that the confession was made to her. I think she should especially consider the courage it took for this young woman to take such a step and the fact that her husband did not.

Edited December 3, 2017 by merrmeade

[road]

Even though I would want to know, I make a point of never informing anyone of the affairs that go around at work or my wider social circle (FYI I have never been an OW, I just know of other's affairs).

 

OP is obviously very trusting. If I had a H that suddenly had to go to the office on Saturdays to finish work, that would be enough of a flag in itself. I would probably make a point of calling him in the office or similar at the very least. The fact that OP didn't notice at all (and I bet there were other subtle signs) makes me think that OP is the type of person that prefers to be kept in the dark. Ignorance is bliss.

 

So I have to agree that babysitter should have kept her mouth shut. People rarely do things out of the goodness of their own hearts to I wonder what she is hoping to accomplish.

 

Many a OM/OW after an affair have owned their own errors and

have the need to seek amends. Apologizing is a must due on their

list for atonement.

 

It was what the WS and the AP that did that was wrong.

The AP owned up it is now the WS's turned to seek forgiveness.

 

Advice from when young and in HS. Never do anything that you

would not want printed in the newspapers. Then you will always

be safe.

 

So if you had a married couple that you were friends with and

one of them was cheating and you would not tell the BS.

 

Then that is you enabling and protecting the WS over the BS.

If they had a D day and it came out to the BS that you knew

and did not tell. Upon recovery it would be right for the BS to

have you NC'd out of their lives for your silence betrayed the BS

and their marriage.

[road]

Just to add to this sub-thread of the discussion, here's an example from reality:

 

My WH's ex OW ended up with his brother. I know: Blech. Disgusting. But nevermind for now. They lived together some years then decided to marry. Just before they did, she confessed the PA with his brother to her husband-to-be, who then told my husband "that he knew." Evidently NO ONE cared whether I knew, but my point is that, based on some regard or concern they had about the sibling relationship, there was a confession.

[Let's not get into why no one cared about their relationship with me. I'

m

able to separate out each person's interest, and I simply wasn't one of them. It's too painful and there's absolutely no whitewashing it,

so

please just leave it.]

I'm just offering a similar example about an agnostic couple, acknowledging a past affair before entering into matrimony. She told her husband-to-be so they could start their wedded life in honesty and openness. The gesture between the brothers was to clear the air for the sake of future family relations. Their actions were FAR and above more noble than my husband's, showed personal integrity and respect for each other most of all and, sadly, more evidence of my husband's lack of same.

 

 

So with your WH's OW marrying your BIL how does your

WH, you, maintain NC with the OW?