Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.

 

The OP says that they have a good marriage. That she thinks it's the only time.

 

I'm speaking from experience. The OP thinks that she had a good marriage because her husband was good at deception and lying. If she had the FULL picture of her marriage, then it would not be so "good".

 

It's too early in the process, but she'll have to accept that her perception of her marriage and husband is not accurate. It is a projection of what she thought it was based on lies and deception perpetuated by her husband.

 

Also, what type of person can bang the babysitter for 6 months and not be affected by it? What other secrets is he capable of hiding? Plus, it is so cliche but most affairs are.

[aliveagain]

The key issue here is the cheating and his justification for doing it. Before only your unfaithful husband and his immature affair partner knew about it, now you and her new fiance know. You need to confront him otherwise whatever it is that is broken in him that led him to cheat is still alive and well and your relationship will always be at risk. You need to deal with the person that repeatedly had sex with a very young woman, in your home, just feet away from your innocent children. You have no idea what your children may have actually seen or heard over that period of time and are keeping to themselves. Ask him for a written timeline, tell him you will decide your future together after you have read it, don't tell him how much you know so you can judge for yourself his level of honesty.

 

It is always easier to have another affair, you've already dealt with the demons the first time around. He was going to take the information to his grave by the sounds of it. Talk to a lawyer because you don't know how this is going to turn out or if he's had other affairs. Have a list of your requirements for reconciliation ready. You might include passing a polygraph as one item as well as independent counselling to find out why he allowed it to happen while your children were present. Doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.

[merrmeade]

So with your WH's OW marrying your BIL how does your

WH, you, maintain NC with the OW?

And that question, Mr. road? That question I've avoided asking, much less answering, for the 4 years since I found out—even though the affair was 3 decades earlier.

 

Part of that is because, on the trickle truth scale, WH's brother's wife is #2 SIL-OW. This makes #1 my brother's wife and D-day, 5 years ago when I found out about her (even though I realize she was actually number 2; and "#2" was the first of the SIL-OWs).

 

All information that oozed from that constantly dripping diarrhea sandwich after D-day was trickle truth. I would find out something I didn't know and then try to process it, though all the other characters had long ago worked out some truce with the information and their stances toward each other.

 

The fact is I don't have the same reaction to WH's brother's wife. She's loyal to WH's brother. I don't need NC. WH doesn't need it. Rug-sweeping. My choice.

 

Oh, and no, I've never talked to her about it.

[merrmeade]

Sorry if that's a t-j. He asked. I answered. I'm unable to be objective about it but hope something in there helps OP or relates to the thread. If nothing else, some of it is cautionary.

[dichotomy]

Actually that is not totally correct...

 

And it is actually quite understandable. A big part of the Christen doctrine involves asking for forgiveness not only from God, but from the person that you have wronged.

 

 

"She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness..."

 

Then - Why this ?

 

At this point I would have hung up the phone because I was dealing with someone who lacked regret for aggressively pursuing my spouse and endangering my marriage. I understand the married one is most at fault but...accountability and regret and forgiveness seeking are hallmarks of the Christian faith - and a decent person.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Finding out, you've been given a lot of good advice and it is up to you to take it or leave it. However commonsense dictates that an 'Ostrich burying it's head in the sand' approach is not going to do you or your marriage a favour. You have to have a 'Take the bull by it's horns' approach if you want to get out of an unhealthy situation and NOT let sleeping dogs lie! Read the posts by aliveagain and Merrmeade with extra attention as both of them have encapsulated a world of wisdom based on their own experiences in a compact form which does not do justice to the pain and heartache that they have undergone yo acquire that knowledge. At any rate it is your life and your marriage and you should know best what to do with this unwelcome gift that has been presented to you.

 

On another note, Merrmeade I wanted to say that as you reveal the little tid bits of your husband's unsavoury and unethical relationship path I think it would be difficult for people not to empathize with you. Apparently life has handed you a rotten lemon so that it has snatched the possibility of your being able to make a lemonade out of it. Quite frankly, kudos to you having stuck it out with him after all his shenanigans. I do not know what your reading choices are because you appear to be a bit nerdy in the way you come across, but if you are interested, I would recommend that you get a copy of the book 'You'll see it when you believe it' by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It may help you clear some ideas about our situation in the human form and what we can do about it. I agree that it may not be your cup of tea so if you can get a copy at your local library and give it a quick browse, it will help you decide whether it is for you or not. There is a metaphysical aspect to it which I think you should know. Warm wishes.

 

P. S. Sorry for the thread jack.

Edited December 11, 2017 by Just a Guy