Newlyweds and issues already, typical.

[Acronerd141]

Howdy folks, I’ll drop a quick background info for you guys before I start. And thank you for the advice in advanced.

 

We started dating 4 years ago and have been married for almost 1 year. We’ve known each other since high school and reconnected after. Broke up twice in the 3 years we dated. Both times because she thought she was moving away, didn’t want me to come with, and of course found another guy. The second time it happened though, we were engaged. Now we were definitely too early to be engaged but our young hearts wanted it bad..... lol. Anyways she ended up cheating on me with a guy (just kissing she says but who knows) we’d break up for and she’d date and even move back to our home town to realize she wanted me. So the nice guy I am who loves her dearly still... takes her back, we date and get married and all that jazz.

 

Almost a year later, she’s unhappy with where my career is. She doesn’t see me taking any action for it though unfortunately I’m at a stand still until next year for it but I’m continuing school and working a job that makes quite decent money in the mean time. Our sex life has also completely dwindled. We both admit it sucks, but truth is it sucks because she’s just not into it like I am. She’s not very open to try new things even though she says she is.. I knew from before we were married she’s never had a high sex drive like myself, but I was hoping living together that would increase a bit.

 

We’re going through a rough patch where we’re both kinda unhappy, we’ve talked about it and all. She’s kinda just doing her own thing and focusing on herself as I’m falling into a deep hole with very little to no affection, trying to keep my head up.

 

Today I’m on her iPad watching Netflix and see her best friend and her texting. I don’t snoop but I happened to see my name and something about our situation so I check out of curiousity. It was a conversation her friend had with another about our same situation and how she got caught up in the wedding and ignored all the red flags like my wife had told her.

 

So now I’m just at a loss of what to do. I’m 25 and she’s 23. We’re both young but unlike her, I don’t have any friends who have been in a long term relationship to get advice from. Do I just sit here and let it happen and see where it goes? Do I keep trying to be affectionate and pretend to be happy? Do I just back off a bit and focus on myself? We don’t have anything major together so if a divorce were to happen, it would very likely be a clean break up.

 

Just having a very very hard time sitting here and feeling alone like I’m living with a roommate.

[JS84]

Your first mistake was taking her back when she cheated on you. Hard to tell from your post but it sounds like she cheated more than once? Your second mistake was marrying her. Did she face any consequences for her cheating? Did she try to address why she did it?? Did you give her any consequences or set boundaries to keep her from cheating again?? Or did you just take her back with open arms the second she came knocking??

 

All marriages have rough patches but couples try to work through them, usually by communicating with each other. You've only been married a year, this should still be the honey moon stage of your marriage for you even though you've been together for 4. Doesn't sound anything like it at all.

 

What do you think is going to happen if you guys have children and the stress of that is brought into your marriage? What happens if you lose your job and can't find one?? Or some other significant stressful life event? How do you think your wife will handle it based on her track record??

 

I don't think she's not into sex. I think she's not into you. I think you yourself ignored too many red flags and married her despite them.

 

I'd recommend pulling the plug on this marriage unless your wife shows she's willing to work on it and herself. Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels and wasting what should be some of the best and most active years of your life.

 

And DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT.

Edited November 27, 2017 by JS84

[RecentChange]

 

And DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT.

 

THIS!!!!!!

 

Oh man - you ignored a parade full of flapping red flags. 50% of marriages fail, and I will be damned if this one is one that makes it.

[Acronerd141]

Sorry I didn't elaborate on much, tried to keep it simple.. lol.

 

The first guy I don't think she cheated.... I'll never know, I just know what happened after we broke up from what she told me.. Didn't last long, I had open arms for when she came back. Second time we broke up when she actually cheated on me, hell no I didn't have open arms for her. We talked for a while and hung out here and there before I really felt it was okay again. I told her she was never going back to where she was temporarily. I set some pretty strict boundaries and was very slow in getting back with her.

 

As for the sex... Before we got married and moved together, we would have sex everytime she came over. Roughly 3-5 times a week. It was pretty consistent and actually really fun. When I mean not into sex, I mean she isn't like one who has ever been crazy by herself or even with other experiences we've talked about. Though the sex was good. I think what may have happened was our different schedules. She usually is in bed by 9 and I'm often getting home from work between 5pm to midnight. I even fell out of really wanting her for a little but I snapped out of it pretty quickly. It has definitely gotten more and more boring though as our marriage has went on.

 

The only thing that helps my mind keep going is people always keep telling myself and her that the first year is the hardest.. Not so much of that honeymoon phase..

 

But as the text I saw earlier, it really just kind of snapped in my head and made me think, maybe this isn't going to work already...

 

But yes, no kids yet thank gosh. I do also wonder what would happen when we become parents, if we do.... It makes me worry especially after being in this position now.

[RecentChange]

Let me break things down for you a little - there are a lot of problems here.. First, you are both really young! I am not saying this to be condescending - my husband and I got together when we were 21 and 23 (but waited till our 30's to get married).

 

For us, the first year, the second year... the fifth year were not "hard" - that is certainly not a universal issue in marriages.

 

Broke up twice in the 3 years we dated.

 

Red flag #1 - this means you both lack the communication skills, gumption, and desire to work things out TOGETHER, but rather throw up your hands and break up. TERRIBLE SIGN.

 

and of course found another guy. The second time it happened though, we were engaged.

 

So even being engaged can't make you two commit to each other. More giving up, breaking up - oh and whoops, she found another dude to fill your space.

 

 

Now we were definitely too early to be engaged but our young hearts wanted it bad..... lol.

 

If your hearts wanted it so badly you wouldn't be breaking up - she wouldn't BE FINDING OTHER MEN. If she was so smitten with you - how could she do that? You should have been in honey moon bliss - but instead you two were spending time apart - and she was spending time with other men.

 

 

Anyways she ended up cheating on me with a guy (just kissing she says but who knows) we’d break up for and she’d date and even move back to our home town to realize she wanted me.

 

Why does it take her leaving you and doing other guys to "realize she wanted you"? That doesn't sound like deep, eternal love to me.....

 

Almost a year later, she’s unhappy with where my career is. She doesn’t see me taking any action for it though unfortunately I’m at a stand still until next year for it but I’m continuing school and working a job that makes quite decent money in the mean time.

 

She doesn't respect you.

 

 

Our sex life has also completely dwindled. We both admit it sucks, but truth is it sucks because she’s just not into it like I am. She’s not very open to try new things even though she says she is..

 

She doesn't respect you. She doesn't find you sexually alluring - what about those other guys she got with? Did she pretend to like sex then?

 

I knew from before we were married she’s never had a high sex drive like myself, but I was hoping living together that would increase a bit.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Marriage and living together would equal MORE sex?!?! :laugh:

 

Yeah it doesn't work like that. Although I am quite alarmed that your sex life has already dropped off, while you are both young and in your prime. What do you think 2 decades of arguing and decreased hormones will do to your sex life?

 

We’re going through a rough patch where we’re both kinda unhappy, we’ve talked about it and all. She’s kinda just doing her own thing and focusing on herself as I’m falling into a deep hole with very little to no affection, trying to keep my head up.

 

This is NOT how you fix any marriage problems - But I guess this is how you both tend to deal with relationship issues right? She withdraws, maybe breaks up with you, maybe finds another dick while you love her and suffer.

 

Hint, marriage problems are fixed by WORKING TOGETHER to fix them.

 

 

Do I just sit here and let it happen and see where it goes? Do I keep trying to be affectionate and pretend to be happy? Do I just back off a bit and focus on myself?

 

This is what you do - if you just want to give up and get a divorce. Which personally, I do not think is a bad idea. Ever hear of throwing good money after bad? Well - you are wasting the prime of your life when it comes to finding a partner. I would give up on this immature relationship, work on yourself - and start again.

 

We don’t have anything major together so if a divorce were to happen, it would very likely be a clean break up.

 

See you are already considering divorce - just like the breaks and break ups you have already have.

 

Just having a very very hard time sitting here and feeling alone like I’m living with a roommate.

 

It shouldn't be like this. Your wife should be your partner. You should never feel alone in your own home. You should feel like its you and her against the world.... but you don't have a partner, you have a selfish young woman.

 

The only thing that helps my mind keep going is people always keep telling myself and her that the first year is the hardest.. Not so much of that honeymoon phase...

 

Sometimes its the hardest when you move in together. Who is going to do the dishes, how to budget, things like that. Lack of sex? Feeling lonely? No, those are not normal honeymoon issues.

 

But as the text I saw earlier, it really just kind of snapped in my head and made me think, maybe this isn't going to work already...

 

But yes, no kids yet thank gosh. I do also wonder what would happen when we become parents, if we do.... It makes me worry especially after being in this position now.

 

What would happen if you had kids? Well, imagine life now with 100X the stress. With no sleep, more bills, less sex, more bickering, less patients, more fights.

 

Kids are good for great marriages - and easily destroy bad ones. What birth control methods are you using? You realize you have control over this right? Don't have to wonder about "if" we become parents if you take control of your life and destiny and don't get her pregnant.

[TrustedthenBusted]

You are learning what a lot of young people learn. Hell lot of old people learn it to.

 

First, marriage doesn't solve ANY problems... unless one of you needs a Green card. If anything, marriage makes some things HARDER.

 

You break up, and then you move in because that is supposed to fix it. Then that doesn't work, so you get married and that is supposed to fix something. Then that's not enough, so you buy a house, because that's supposed tofix something. Then when that doesn't work, you decide that what's missing is children, and THAT will complete the picture and bring eternal bliss. Lol. Wrong. It just gets harder and harder and harder while simultaneously getting more difficult to get out.

 

Marriage is a lot like that movie Saw, where they give you everything you need beforehand to escape. YOu go to a wedding and they tell you that what you are committing to is not a life of happiness, but an agreement to STICK WITH IT when she's sick, or when you're broke, in good times and BAD. Etc etc.... And then they ask you if you still want to do it. And we all say yes....

 

I really think the priest should start the ceremony with his best "Saw Voice and say, Dearly Beloved.... Shall We Play A Game?"

 

Point is... you havent bought the house or had the kids yet. The world will give you a do-over if you've made a mistake at this young age. I'd think very hard about it.

[Aiuta le mani]

Thanks for sharing here about your situation and, since you are asking for advice, let me ask you, have you and your wife looked for help from a neutral party, like a counselor, a pastor or priest? I see that you mention that you do not have any close friends with more experience on marriage to talk to and I think that it would be good to talk to someone that can get all the details and give you an objective opinion. There are many ways to get counseling for you alone or with your wife! Is this something that you have talked about already? Are you willing to do this before contemplating any other alternative? I agree with the others when they say that thinking about giving up right away is not ideal so, counseling could help you evaluate the situation from different angles, make a solid decision and stick to it! I know of a tool that allows you to seek counselors in your area if you need help figuring out where to begin!