Pictures of her ex boyfriend...why, and how do I handle?

[BMI03]

Hi All,

 

Some of you are familiar with my current relationship but I will give a quick summary: Mid 30s, have been together about three years now. When we met, and over a lot of the first year even of our relationship, I was in the process of finishing up divorce. Not to rehash old threads, but about 8 months in I found her lying to me about still texting now and then with her old boyfriend. They had broke up a year before I came into the picture, together for 6 years prior to that. He was from another country, five years younger than her, and lives back on the other side of the globe now. Their relationship ended after a third case of him physically assaulting her. After her and I were dating for about six months, seems he saw it was serious and wanted to come back. She told him not to (so I understand), and he did not. I thought communication ended there but it remained in small fashion as mentioned.

 

We near broke up over it. But we talk it over, she admits she didn’t realize how emotionally attached to him she still was over that time, but that she doesn’t feel love for him now…she just feels a sense of nostalgia sometimes, and was so use to helping him solve problems with his family, etc. it was hard to get away from. I have a level of understanding here, because at the end of the day I was still exiting a marriage and so she was reasonable to at least be cautious of putting her heart all in. I don’t condone that she lied, but I can put myself in her shoes and see the fear. We talk, it’s behind her, and a new world of openness…shared passwords without my requesting it, etc. I am content that his active involvement in my relationship is over.

 

A year after that talk, we are engaged. Now married. No more communication between them for about two years now that I know of.

 

So she got a new ipad a bit before the time we were engaged, and she gave me the password unprompted…called it a family ipad (though heavily hers…I don’t use much). Said she never wanted to be in that position of being scared of someone seeing her phone (not a reference just to the time mentioned above, but she also had issues with ex and phone which led to another one of the cases of physical abuse).

 

I looked through the ipod today, and I see pictures that sadden me. Pictures that were saved on the ipad, about a year ago just a bit after she got it. Pictures from a trip she had gone on with her ex. Random pics…not an album. Not a lot but a good handful of a dozen picks…most just of her or places, but two or three of her with him, and one of her writing his name in the sand in a heart.

 

I don’t know what to think. I don’t know why they are there…automated from a cloud connection with other ipad (I don’t see other things on there from her old one)? Either way, it has me bumbed out.

 

How do I approach this? Is this grounds for a blow up? Or are there some reasonable explanations such that I should just ask and get clarity? Should I throw some pics of my ex on there and let her find them so she can see the impact of the feelings it creates to find that sort of thing? I’m kinda lost with a game plan to this.

 

Thanks for any input you could provide.

[dichotomy]

Without a long story - I asked my new wife not to bring photos from a few bad ex-s into our new home. She agreed but I found some anyway - not sure if it was on purpose or not. I tossed them.

 

What did your wife agree to ? Did you lay down any rules?

 

Hard to say about electronic images - they do tend to linger without any direct intent.

[BMI03]

Without a long story - I asked my new wife not to bring photos from a few bad ex-s into our new home. She agreed but I found some anyway - not sure if it was on purpose or not. I tossed them.

 

What did your wife agree to ? Did you lay down any rules?

 

Hard to say about electronic images - they do tend to linger without any direct intent.

 

That’s exactly why I am a bit confused as to how to handle. No specific rules set, aside from her knowing that I wanted to know immediately if he ever contacted her again, and her saying that we would reply to him together if that ever happened. Never really thought about outlawing photos. She did have a couple of items that he had gotten her that she wanted to keep when we moved in together, not for any sentimental value but because she liked what they were...items pertaining to a culture she found interesting...and I agreed that I was ok with that. It bothered me, but truth be told I have items that I don’t think of but personal items of my own which I have to remind myself my ex may have bought me. So I believe that’s fair. But ya...no rule with pics that I had thought of.

[lolablue17]

Although you're very upset, and it's natural and understandable, it's YOUR issue. She respect you ahnd the rules she has promissed to keep. These are old photos, and yes, Apple products turn to decide for you if they want to restore old stuff.

 

You can make a scene of course, but it will just make the atmosphere bad for a while, and you won't achieve anything.

[Jdoublenn]

Can you ask her about them? And suggest they be deleted. Sounds like something she should do herself and a conversation that may need to be had. Could simply be iCloud, I know i have music I've deleted off my phone for years, and iCloud still re-uploads them to my phone time and time again. I bet pictures could be the same.. I just wouldn't recommend deleting them without having a conversation with her.

[BMI03]

Can you ask her about them? And suggest they be deleted. Sounds like something she should do herself and a conversation that may need to be had. Could simply be iCloud, I know i have music I've deleted off my phone for years, and iCloud still re-uploads them to my phone time and time again. I bet pictures could be the same.. I just wouldn't recommend deleting them without having a conversation with her.

 

 

 

I can, yes. That’s what I am trying to decide I suppose. It’s not their existence itself that bothers me. It’s trying to understand why at this time she would feel compelled to save those pictures. What was she thinking? Nostalgia? Missing him? It hurts my soul.

[basil67]

As someone who's never been able to part with photos, I don't really understand the angst. I still have photos of my ex husband (and my husband still has photos of his exes) not because of any emotional attachment, but simply because they reflect our lives at the time.

 

For what it's worth, I think that both of us would refuse to throw our photos out for anyone. Sure, box them in the attic/store them on a USB key, but not destroy.

[BMI03]

As someone who's never been able to part with photos, I don't really understand the angst. I still have photos of my ex husband (and my husband still has photos of his exes) not because of any emotional attachment, but simply because they reflect our lives at the time.

 

For what it's worth, I think that both of us would refuse to throw our photos out for anyone. Sure, box them in the attic/store them on a USB key, but not destroy.

 

 

Maybe a point of clarity that better explains what I am bothered by. These are photos I know exist electronically already. I have saw them before in a private Facebook album she has of he and her which she doesn’t make public (but let me see), and on her old iPad. I know they exist and I am ok with that. They are an archive of her past and story. What has me sick to my stomach is that a couple of these same pics now show up on the new iPad dated after we got engaged. It feeds a feeling of being second fiddle in her heart I guess.

[basil67]

Maybe a point of clarity that better explains what I am bothered by. These are photos I know exist electronically already. I have saw them before in a private Facebook album she has of he and her which she doesn’t make public (but let me see), and on her old iPad. I know they exist and I am ok with that. They are an archive of her past and story. What has me sick to my stomach is that a couple of these same pics now show up on the new iPad dated after we got engaged. It feeds a feeling of being second fiddle in her heart I guess.

 

Yes, that makes sense. I don't suppose the Cloud put them there? The Cloud does all kinds of weird stuff on my apple devices.

[BMI03]

Yes, that makes sense. I don't suppose the Cloud put them there? The Cloud does all kinds of weird stuff on my apple devices.

 

I'd like to believe that, sure. But it is specific pictures, not the set. Several landscapes from their trip, one of her on the sand carving out a heart and writing his name in the middle (him taking the photo), and another of her, him, and four other friends celebrating. They didn't all come over...maybe she was looking for something and opened them and opening them prompted them to kick out to the other ipad through the cloud too, I don't know.

 

I guess the core of the problem is that it has highlighted to me that I still feel hurt by the initial deception years ago. While I am confident (95% sure?) she no longer communicates with him, I can't help but feel sometimes that her heart wishes she could. And I think that hurts even more. I don't feel in the day to day like she 'settled' for me, but in moments like this, it's hard not to feel like a plan B I suppose.

 

I would like to share these feelings with her, but I also don't want to blow it out of proportion. I know her answer: "I married you! I am making a life with you! I opened a photo, yes, but it doesn't mean anything...I was sifting through them and saw it and not sure why I opened it...wanted to see if I could crop myself out for a good profile pic maybe. Don't worry baby, I love you.". And that all may be very true....just feeling a little down in self worth at the moment I suppose in trying to believe that.

[road]

As someone who's never been able to part with photos, I don't really understand the angst. I still have photos of my ex husband (and my husband still has photos of his exes) not because of any emotional attachment, but simply because they reflect our lives at the time.

 

For what it's worth, I think that both of us would refuse to throw our photos out for anyone. Sure, box them in the attic/store them on a USB key, but not destroy.

 

Maybe a point of clarity that better explains what I am bothered by. These are photos I know exist electronically already. I have saw them before in a private Facebook album she has of he and her which she doesn’t make public (but let me see), and on her old iPad. I know they exist and I am ok with that. They are an archive of her past and story. What has me sick to my stomach is that a couple of these same pics now show up on the new iPad dated after we got engaged. It feeds a feeling of being second fiddle in her heart I guess.

 

It is called consideration for your partner. Things from past

relationships would bother most new partners. They should be

deleted to prevent making your new partner uncomfortable.

 

If you do not value your new partner enough to spare their

feelings then do them a favor and dump them also. For your

actions show that you do not really care that much for them.

 

These people are an ex for a reason. They were not good

for you. You weighed the good and the bad. You cut them out.

Time to remove the physical items from your life as well.

 

Remembering the good times only causes some to back slide

and cheat on their new with the old.

 

If one wants a future then you do not live in the past. Your

place is in the now.

[travelbug1996]

Is your current wife someone you cheated with while you were still married?

 

If so, that could explain your feelings a bit.

[Ana-Iva]

I can only offer you a female point of view on that situation, which is most likely, very innocent situation. Are they good photos of her? If so, then she is probably doing what I would do - collect all my good photos on my new device. And if she spent 6 years with him, she will have some photos she would like to keep.

 

It does not have to mean that she has any feelings for him at all. I have all my exes photos, it is a part of my former life and a part of me. Not in the way that I would want to be with any of them again, that I am sorry we broke up, that I miss them or anything like that. It is like a photo of that giraffe you took on your trip to Kenya and you thought was great. You would hate anyone who would force you to delete it so you cannot ever show it to anyone as a part of your past.

 

Do not waste your energy thinking about it or gathering some negative thoughts. Tell her you saw the photos and were wondering what it meant and let her do the talking. You will have to accept things she tells you if they sound logical and not push her and doubt her because that is the way to push her away and show your own insecurity in your relationship - which is a turnoff. So let her keep her giraffe photos, just ask her if she could store it away on some external storage and not have it stare you in the face on your common device.

 

Ask her if she would like you having photos of your girlfriends on that ipad and maybe show her your point of view. She should be able to understand any reasonable requests.