Are there people who you sort of dated that you just don't count?

[E-Squared]

What I mean is this: Say if there was someone who you started to date or kind of date and then you later on realize that the so-called relationship was really nothing. I have a personal example. When I was 21, I remember hearing from a friend that this girl who I was talking to on a platonic level that she liked me. The friend was friends with the girl who I was talking to. In fact, I met the girl through the friend. Anyway, I heard from my friend that she liked me but I was not sure if I believed it because I never got a vibe from her until the following day. The girl asked me what I thought of her as more than a friend and then I was unsure how to answer that because I wasn't sure if I saw her in that light. However, I was more or less excited that someone liked me and then that same week, I went to lunch with her and then went back to her house and just hung out. She then asked me out via a text message and I said yes. Of course, this "relationship" went nowhere as she was the one doing all the initiating by calling me and asking if I wanted to do something. I didn't really put time and effort into it and I realized that I was not into her. I more into the fact that a girl liked me than actually her.

 

So I don't really count her as an ex, because of what I had already said, not to mention it lasted only two and a half weeks. I didn't even break into the following month.

 

Are there any examples on your end?

[basil67]

Yup sure. It's like the jobs which don't make it onto the resume and the duds we slept with who can be conveniently forgotten.

[carhill]

If 'ex' is the dividing line, like ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, I tend to draw that line when the interaction is exclusive and monogamous and sexually intimate.

 

Being unmarried until my 40's I dated women to varying degrees for many years. Best example of a borderline case was, back when I had rules about being sexual with women who were dating or with other guys, I dated a lady for a couple months, did stuff with both us alone and she and her kids but don't consider it a relationship (ex) because as was common in those days she was seeing other guys and I didn't seal the deal sexually because I was still in my virgin path to marriage rules era.

 

All the ladies I dated count as people and the one above example I still remember her name and still have the home movies I took of her and I and her kids on some of our fun outings but she wasn't an 'ex' because I didn't really consider her a girlfriend or partner at the time and we didn't really 'break up', rather she chose to focus on another guy she was seeing and whom she ended up marrying a year or so later.

 

At time has gone by and relationships and marriages have occurred, I focus less on rules and labels and the spreadsheet of life and more on enjoying the moment. Sure some moments suck but that's OK. There's always another around the bend.

[GoodOnPaper]

My record is embarrassing enough when everyone is accounted for - I can't afford to be dropping people willy-nilly! But that doesn't mean that I consider every woman I dated to be an "ex". My standard for that is similar to carhill's:

 

If 'ex' is the dividing line, like ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, I tend to draw that line when the interaction is exclusive and monogamous and sexually intimate.

[E-Squared]

I suppose I should count it despite how brief it was and there was no physical contact at all. I didn't kiss her, nor did I really show any affection.

[d0nnivain]

Depends on how you are defining things. I dated lots of people but I only had relationships with a few. Somebody I went on 3-4 dates with I do not count as a relationship.

[elaine567]

It depends on the criteria you decide to use for the count.

 

Girls I have kissed, slept with, loved and pined over. NO

Girls I dated briefly. YES

Girls who found me attractive. YES

[Art_Critic]

I had only counted women that I had left my DNA inside of as a relationship.. if I only dated a girl a couple of times that never counted as someone to be considered an ex

[carhill]

It didn't occur to me when contemplating the question as the only woman I left DNA in was my ex-wife. That would narrow things a bit. Used condoms with all partners, including my exW, prior to becoming married. Still, I felt the commitment and intimacy, even with BC/STD control, merited consideration as counting since there were milestones, including defined 'breakups'.

 

With normal dating, there was nearly always physical affection trending to the sexual and foreplay areas even if no genital contact occurred. Such was part and parcel of dating lest the lady think me gay and even then some did because I didn't get 'down to business' right away. Some told me as much, stating I was 'too slow' for them. That perspective excluded them from the 'ex' category since there was never apparently anything to 'ex' from. No commitment, no bond, no substantive interest that could stand the test of, eh, a month or two.

[WaitingForBardot]

Nope, in every single case they counted. I only went after and/or took up with women I connected with. Even when things didn't go anywhere, that connection had still existed even if only for a brief time, and in that sense they mattered.

[E-Squared]

Okay, regarding would I had talked about in the OP, would you count it or not? In some cases, I put an asterisk next to it if I were to think back to women who I had dated. Sure, I have had more women who I had TALKED TO, and there was one came close to being someone who I dated, but it was not official. But the one in the OP, I more or less went with it, one reason being that I thought it was my ticket to finally getting laid.

Edited November 28, 2017 by E-Squared

[carhill]

Based on the parameters of the story in the OP, had I couched encounters similarly, my numbers would be yuge (huge), probably up in the high hundreds to thousands. Heck I could even count my best female friend as a breakup when we mutually decided to move on when she and I both got married around the same time. We probably did more 'dating' in ten years than many of the other experiences and we definitely loved each other. I guess you could label things any way you choose. Pick a count that works for you and go with that.

[E-Squared]

Based on the parameters of the story in the OP, had I couched encounters similarly, my numbers would be yuge (huge), probably up in the high hundreds to thousands. Heck I could even count my best female friend as a breakup when we mutually decided to move on when she and I both got married around the same time. We probably did more 'dating' in ten years than many of the other experiences and we definitely loved each other. I guess you could label things any way you choose. Pick a count that works for you and go with that.

 

Perhaps, but she asked me out and I said yes, so one could argue if that should count as dating, despite me not really putting much time and effort into it, nor did I make any moves. She even told me something about that at the time. Hell, friends of mine noticed that I seemed not to really give a damn about the relationship because I remember one friend asking me if I missed her or was thinking about her in that moment and I said "no."

[basil67]

e-squared, I'm wondering why you're spending time thinking about this. It sounds like you really need to figure it out.

 

My advice is this: if you want it to count, then add her to the list. If you don't want her to count, then don't add her. Either way I'm sure she's not going to know so it really doesn't matter what you do.