Solve this one.

[unnamed]

I'm still beating the dead horse.

 

It's been a whole year now. I still cannot get over my girlfriend's past. Well, better put, I cannot get the images out of my conscience.

 

Like Paul previously wrote, names, places (such as her bedroom), music, a re-creation of a particular sexual act (usually intentional), and so many other things ignite the past. And when it gets going, it really gets hot. Too hot that my girlfriend cannot stand to be around.

 

Its like there is always something feeding the fire. Everyday this goes on. Some days (rarely) I manage to pull through it until the night hits. Other times I struggle incessantly for days.

 

As I mentioned earlier, it's been an entire year. I cannot break up with my girlfriend, and she cannot break up with me. We both love each other greatly.

 

And I know that by me being bothered by her past is like punishing her for something she did when she didn't even know me, but I still cannot rid of the images and pain.

 

I told her the other night that she only sees 1/4 of the struggle I go through. And she's already sick of me. She practically an ultimatum last night in essence saying that she doesn't know how much she can handle of this and she will probably be gone come a certain period of time.

 

But me, I have been here one year. I've endured pain, suffering, anguish, denial -- common descriptive terms which never seem to do justice -- but I'm still here. That's how much I love her. I would literally do anything for her. Even try my hardest to forget her past.

 

But I can't.

 

I keep failing. It doesn't leave. And you just repeat "get over it" over and over again, but it does nothing. My girlfriend can deliver the most heart-touching speech to me when I'm down or depressed over the past and will not affect me at all. No matter how strong the content.

 

What can I do? I'm still at a loss. And I have probably posted about this ten times already. It's getting sickening. And if you're going to say leave her because of what I'm putting her through, I've already tried that. She didn't want to let me go.

 

I just feel like my world is crumbling, all over a sexual past. Maybe this is a lesson learned in life (whatever that may be), maybe its a test of my love and commitment to my girlfriend or maybe its a signal (which I haven't entirely ignored) to tell me to get out.

 

I've been positive through all of this. I'm willing to try anything. I've done many different things, but nothing keeps the images from entering my conscience and ripping it apart. I hyperventilate quite a bit nowadays, always shaking, adrenaline consumed by pain constantly flowing throughout my body. I'm just not having fun in my relationship because of this. I need a change. For both my girlfriend and myself.

 

I'm welcome to any suggestions. Thanks in advance.

 

unnamed

[Tony T]

A lobotomy could do wonders in helping you to forget. Or perhaps a temporal lobe bypass. Or you could have your medula oblongata made so it's not so oblong.

 

There are drugs that impair recent memory function. Beta blockers such as Tenormin, Inderal, etc. are great.

 

Or everytime you think of your girl's past, you could hit yourself in the testicles with a hammer. That may stop you cold in your tracks. It's called negative reinforcement.

 

Just some suggestions that maybe nobody else has come up with.

 

Otherwise, it seems you are just plain stuck.

[Dragonflys]

I can only suggest one thing...

 

Talk to people, lots of people, about this.

 

Of course, I don't mean walk up to people and ask about their sex lives...I mean find people who do not know about you and her and tell them your problem in detail, and let each and every one of them, one by one, tell you that you are fooling yourself and destroying your life, until you get the message.

 

You can bet that none of these people will be telling you that you are an idiot or a fool. They will sympathise and allow you to understand what is normal behaviour.

 

You need to realise (for yourself - not from an objective standpoint) that what you are obsessing about is wrong. She is not permanently scarred by what has happened. You need to realise that you do not own her, and never will. You need to realise she is a human being and not a historical artifact. You need to realise that biology is a dynamic system. You need to realise that people heal, and memories of the past (such as this) become insignificant over time.

 

That's all I can think of for your situation.

 

I sincerely hope you get over this.

 

Oliver

[unnamed]

I'm scarred?

 

I came into the relationship never having anything sexually to do with another woman. My girlfriend, of course, was different.

 

I felt the hardships of such a situation. Often I wish I could go back and "fool around" with other women just so I wouldn't have this problem.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I came into the relationship never having anything sexually to do with another woman. My girlfriend, of course, was different."

 

Wow, what a concept...your girlfriend...and everyone else...being individual and different. A great discovery.

 

Are you saying your girlfriend was obligated to live her life exactly as you had lived yours...even before you even met her???

 

You have a massive control issue that could be pathological. Most rational humans would fully understand that everyone has a free will and an individual life to live just how they choose to live it. Most rational humans would have respect for how another person chose to live their life as long as it didn't involve criminal activity.

 

But it really takes a meatless taco to even remotely think that somebody else shouldn't have had the nerve to do certain things before they met them. I mean this is a concept I have never heard in all my life...never read it in a textbook...or even seen it on the Discovery Channel.

 

YOU WRITE: "I felt the hardships of such a situation. Often I wish I could go back and "fool around" with other women just so I wouldn't have this problem."

 

Mindscrewing yourself on a constant basis is not productive at all. That seems like the only thing you are doing these days.

 

If you feel so strongly about this, break up with your girl and go fool around with some other females...then come back to your girl. But you can't re-do history. It doesn't happen that way. She is who she is and she's done what she's done. Life doesn't have rewind and erase feature.

 

Make an appointment with a psychologist who practices Rational Emotive Therapy. You can get a number for one from the Albert Ellis Institute (formerly the Institute for Rational Living) website: http://www.rebt.org/

 

It will only take three to five sessions for you to become a changed man with a whole new healthy way of looking at the world. You can't go on like you are.

 

If you can't afford therapy, get a few of Ellis' books or read some of his stuff by putting his name in a good search engine like www.google.com One of his greatest books is: "How To Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." I'll bet Amazon.com has got it...or surely you can order it. You really need that book.

[mikey]

I have been in your shoes many times during my 6 month relatinship, my unnamed friend. You are not alone. It is a common issue, whether you have been involved with others yourself (I have had a number of serious relationships before this) or not, as in your situation. It doesn't matter. I struggled (and occasionally still do) with the most bizarre reminders (places, music, even the name of a city I knew my girlfriend met an ex in or went on holiday to!) and it plays on my mind.

 

The thing to remember and repeat over and over to yourself is that she wants to be with you now and the past cannot touch you. It is irrelevant what either of you did or didn't do in the past - you have to keep focussing on what you are both doing together now. That is the most special thing in either of your lives, then or now. She wouldn't have got together with you and stayed with you so long if it wasn't the case.

 

Its hard and you won't always succeed in keeping the demons at bay but over time it will happen. Listen to what she tells you and concentrate on what you are doing together NOW. What went before was merely a poor trailer before the main feature!

 

Mikey

[unnamed]

No. I am not trying to push onto her my lifestyle and my upbringing.

 

As I said before, I've come to terms with the fact that she has done these things, and there is obviously nothing I can do to change that.

 

The reason why I'm still bothered by all of this is imagining things she did with other guys from the descriptions she gave (which I sometimes forced out of her, my mistake). It just kills me. Once they are up there, they stay up there. And it doesn't take much to initiate a flashback tour of her past. If you feel so strongly about this, break

 

Do you think it would help if I did go out and get involved sexually with other women? The way I see it, it might get me out of it but it will bring me more problems with my girlfriend (she even freaks out when I masturbate and made me promise I wouldn't...)

 

What do you think?

[Dragonflys]

You two have a very unusual relationship

 

Fancy her telling you not to Masturbate and you agreeing..blimey...

 

I think the whole thing between you two sounds unnatural. Also, you don't seem to want to embrace alternatives, so I'm happy to leave you to your own world.

 

Hope you find happiness there

[Laurynn]

unnamed, no offense but you keep coming back here, time and time again, same problem. You say you don't know what to do. It's been a year now and you're still OBSESSING about your g/f's past. It's starting to get on her nerves big time, you're going to end up losing her. I've suggested several times in the past, that you get professional help. I think others have, too. What are you waiting for? Everything you've tried now for a YEAR has not worked. Time to p*ss or get off the pot.

 

And if you seriously think that screwing around with other women is going to solve this problem, I'm awfully confused, and you too.

 

You two have a really screwed up relationship. She won't let you masturbate, you agree. You are pathologically obsessed with her past and that's not going away. You 2 need to toodle on down to the nearest therapist and get with the program.

 

You seriously, and I mean seriously, have some psychological problems here. These are not going to go away. Get help.

 

L

[Keiser]

I think that the whole climax experience is amazing and should be shared between two people. Not just one. I think masturbating is bad in a sense that you are the only one who is experiencing this and have no one to share it with. I would much rather wait to see my girlfriend even if she was gone for a week, then masturbate. Ya so what a lot of guys masturbate and I can understand it if they are without a partner but those who do and claim they are in love I just don't get them.