Friend living with chronic illness makes everything about her and her illness.

[Shindig]

I love this woman. I've known her for a long time. I want to be supportive and I'll listen, take her to appointments, stop by to help with chores or meals when she's in too much pain to do it herself and sometimes just because. I'm still worried she's not getting the support she needs.

 

I've asked her if she has anyone else helping (there are two other mutual friends that I know about) and anyone else to talk to (she has a support group), but she still feels like a black hole and it's exhausting skating the edge of not trying to get sucked into her dark world of coping with fibromyalgia. Every little thing has become about how she's the only person in the world who is suffering. Social media posts about how great X ("OMG I love this special dark roast coffee!") is are twisted into "Oh, I didn't realize you were sick. I've had to go without X while I'm sick too." for example. When I try to be upbeat or find silver linings, "well, you've got some time to binge watch GoT now!" (I know, my sense of humor is a little dry) she snaps that she's in too much pain to enjoy it.

 

I'm trying to figure out ways to approach her with love and kindness without making her feel invalidated. I've told her that I feel pushed away when she behaves that way, but she gets defensive. HALP!

[carhill]

That's a personality thing, not a illness/pain/challenge thing. Don't expect it to change.

 

If you throw up a boundary, for example when you're sharing normal personal stuff friends do and she goes into her diatribe, expect to receive a harsh response.

 

Most healthy folks take a couple shots like that and then move on. Friendships aren't torture or neglect. They're mutually beneficial. The ill person can of course feel free to hire a caregiver and complain all they want

 

I've been a caregiver to a crazy person (a different kind of pain I guess) and no way I'd ever do that except for who she was, my mother. Friend? Nah, see ya. Life is too short.

[healing light]

I'm severely chronically ill (mercury poisoned with a bad neurological disorder and systemic issues as a result, etc.). and I don't behave this way. At all. I've actually turned my tremors into a joke while playing Michael Jackson's thriller in the kitchen. I find ways to make myself laugh in order to cope with the hand I've been dealt. I actually had a boss that I loved like a father who was actively dying of cancer and still created the space within himself to listen more to other people and what they were going through while brushing aside or barely mentioning his own dire situation, so it IS to an extent a personality thing.

 

If you ever read Caroline Myss's work, she discusses a concept known as "woundology." The idea is that a lot of people use their wounds, or illness in this case, as a form of manipulation or social currency subconsciously. So they are able to... control conversations/situations, etc. to their benefit, and thus there is a part of them that is attached to and identified with their illness in order to receive XYZ (love, sympathy, support, control, etc.) that they may not otherwise feel capable or deserving of obtaining.

 

This is not to undermine the very real suffering that occurs as a result of chronic illness, and I can tell you that the other friends I know who have conditions at a young age often behave in a manner similar to your friend. It's exhausting to be around, and I truly believe that most of them won't ever get better because they're invested in it.

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Fibro is common enough of an illness where there should be lots of therapy and support groups available to use as a method of venting/understanding/camaraderie. So if your friend doesn't already have these in place it's probably worth a mention, but ultimately it's not your jurisdiction to police how she identifies with or discusses her condition.

 

I think if you were to mention how it comes across to you, she would likely go into a tirade or become very defensive. Perhaps particularly so because fibro, like other invisible illnesses, can take a while to diagnose and people can go for years feeling dismissed by the medical community and thus can feel quite... frustrated with the lack of understanding of what they're going through. So... you can always probably try to change the topic or relate to her on a level or settings that you're comfortable with (ie. maybe you enjoy doing certain things with her or taking her in small increments, etc. but don't need to spend time in settings where she's more likely to interject with these things?).

 

Obviously, you'll have to make a decision as to whether her company and your love for her is worth the manipulation of the conversation and the constant complaints. It's one thing to act as a soft spot for someone to fall and to be heard and witnessed in their suffering as a result of the emotional intimacy of your relationship (which can be quite healing), and to have every conversation you ever try to have with her turned into an exhausting Eeyore/ "one upmanship" as if there is a competition between whose life is worse. So you will want to weigh if she is also there for you in the context of your friendship. Is she willing to sit and listen to something that might be plaguing you? Is she supportive toward your emotional needs, as well?

 

These are the things I would consider when deciding how to handle your relations.

[elaine567]

She is depressed.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's a personality thing, not a illness/pain/challenge thing. Don't expect it to change.

 

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. Some people will ALWAYS turn the conversation around to them, even at the most inappropriate times.

[Whodatdog]

Its good of you to help her as much as you have, but you have to take care of yourself too. Caring for the ill is difficult on those doing the caring, and only you know how much you can take. When you feel its too much, give yourself some time to yourself to do something for you. You can only do so much, and you are being a good friend.

 

Take care of you first. If you do that, you can cope with the rest.

[pureinheart]

I love this woman. I've known her for a long time. I want to be supportive and I'll listen, take her to appointments, stop by to help with chores or meals when she's in too much pain to do it herself and sometimes just because. I'm still worried she's not getting the support she needs.

 

Are there any support groups in the area that tackle these matters? Chronic pain? If so, possibly find one that places the focus off the pain- I'll explain more in the next paragraph.

 

I've asked her if she has anyone else helping (there are two other mutual friends that I know about) and anyone else to talk to (she has a support group), but she still feels like a black hole and it's exhausting skating the edge of not trying to get sucked into her dark world of coping with fibromyalgia.

Every little thing has become about how she's the only person in the world who is suffering. Social media posts about how great X ("OMG I love this special dark roast coffee!") is are twisted into "Oh, I didn't realize you were sick. I've had to go without X while I'm sick too." for example. When I try to be upbeat or find silver linings, "well, you've got some time to binge watch GoT now!" (I know, my sense of humor is a little dry) she snaps that she's in too much pain to enjoy it.

 

You should not get sucked into that, and please do not allow yourself to do that- I think sometimes we (we in general) feel that we need to be in someone elses pain, even if it's toxic. This is all bad.

 

What she needs to do is change her mind. She's got this tape recorder repeating over and over all of this negative stuff. I don't know exactly what she is telling herself constantly other than what you have communicated, although she needs to be aware of what she's continuously telling herself. We are what we say we are. If we tell ourselves, we can't do this and we can't do that... well, what is the outcome- can't, can't, can't... and so on.

 

 

I'm trying to figure out ways to approach her with love and kindness without making her feel invalidated. I've told her that I feel pushed away when she behaves that way, but she gets defensive. HALP!

 

I'm sure you've validated her many, many times... introducing logical thinking into her life is the best bet... BUT don't 'sacrifice' yourself in the process...

[rubyjuly]

It sounds like she's suffering from major depression besides the physical illness--- and since physical illness can trigger depression it makes sense... so I would keep in mind the possibility she is seeing things in that dark empty place maybe feeling extra tired if indeed she also has depression, makes it that much harder to handle the physical pain, and the pain triggers more depression so it can be a vicious cycle

[Shindig]

I'm going to download a copy of Carolyn Myss' work. That's an interesting idea that her pain is a form of currency that she's now invested in. Yikes!

[whattodo77]

I have to agree with carhill on this one sounds like a personality thing and victim "poor" me mentality going on.

I suffer from chronic illness and I never make mention of it, actually most people who know me have no clue i "suffer" from anything as i ignore it as much as possible and get on with things no matter how hard some days get. Having said that I have a friend too with chronic illness and everything is about her and chronic illness and poor me, i almost unfriended her on social media once as every post is about being in pain and suffering, and yes i understand chronic illness can be a challenge but the more one focuses on it the more deeper and real it becomes and you notice the symptoms even more!

My friend once even said to me "it's nice to see you enjoying life" as i always make it my duty to be happy and see the good in every situation. I said to her "you too can enjoy life" and she went on about having chronic illness and i said to her, remember i live with it too but i choose to have a different attitude to it than you do. Needless to say havent heard much more from her since.

 

I would suggest you try to shift her focus from her illness to the positives in her life and reasons she has to be grateful but having said that you cant change others and can only guide them. Good luck with this!

[Space Ritual]

I love this woman. I've known her for a long time. I want to be supportive and I'll listen, take her to appointments, stop by to help with chores or meals when she's in too much pain to do it herself and sometimes just because. I'm still worried she's not getting the support she needs.

 

I've asked her if she has anyone else helping (there are two other mutual friends that I know about) and anyone else to talk to (she has a support group), but she still feels like a black hole and it's exhausting skating the edge of not trying to get sucked into her dark world of coping with fibromyalgia. Every little thing has become about how she's the only person in the world who is suffering. Social media posts about how great X ("OMG I love this special dark roast coffee!") is are twisted into "Oh, I didn't realize you were sick. I've had to go without X while I'm sick too." for example. When I try to be upbeat or find silver linings, "well, you've got some time to binge watch GoT now!" (I know, my sense of humor is a little dry) she snaps that she's in too much pain to enjoy it.

 

I'm trying to figure out ways to approach her with love and kindness without making her feel invalidated. I've told her that I feel pushed away when she behaves that way, but she gets defensive. HALP!

 

I suffer from Fibromyalgia, as well as type 2 and all the crap that goes with it.

 

But I do everything I can to lessen the discomfort by keeping moving. Movement is key for me.

 

For some people the pain is unbearable but in most cases the pain can be managed with effort. Support groups can only help so much as sadly many times the groups devolve into pissing matches about whose life sucks the worst.

 

You have done an admirable job of being a friend to someone. That does not mean you have to be taken advantage of by that friend. And you in fact are being taken advantage of for your kindness alone.

 

People have no reason to change behaviors or actions if they don't have consequence for them.

 

Start dialing back the friendship and do not make yourself as available for a while. You can remain concerned from a distance. Not all friendships are even and not all friendships come without caveat.

[todreaminblue]

I understand that sometimes it feels like a blackhole to you that her illness is sucking you down....this is a reason why a lot of people deal with illness by pushing those they love away when they arent well...they dont want to drag people into their black hole of existence......especially with depression...

 

she must be in pain......causing feelings of hopelessness and who knows what else....maybe you could contact her support network see how they are coping and maybe share some strategies how to best help your friend...i dont know much about fibromyalgia(i looked it up after reading your post) and after reading the symptoms they sound difficult to deal with.....being a listening ear and a compassionate one might be the best way to deal with her situation....

 

personally, i believe friendship is about good and bad times....and no matter how hard the bad times are you stick with your friends....if theres a black hole you face that crap together......its hard to be up and jolly when in pain ...to force a smile.......to have no one who knows how you really feel.....that's what friends and fam are for....the bad and the good times...sounds like you are a wonderful friend who cares and i know it must be hard on you.....make contact with her support people to verify yourself that she has others to help her if it makes you feel better about pulling back a little....

 

keep being your bright self around her with positivity and trust me your warmth will touch her.....i dont know if they have a fibromyalgia support group around the area where both you and her live.... but maybe check it out and if they do it might be good for her to join.....and for you to find out more about your friends illness that you may understand her and her illness that she lives with...i wish you much warmth and best wishes.....deb

[RecentChange]

Before I even got to the word fibromyalgia, I had a feeling this post was about a fibro sufferer.

 

My mother suffered from this disease, and depression.

 

Fibro and depression often go hand and hand:

 

A Brief Summary of the Biochemistry and Pharmacology of FM-associated Depression

 

My recommendation? Counseling. Does she see a psychiatrist or psychologist?

 

When my mother was addressing her mental health, her physical health was better managed. When she wasn't, the medical doctors simply loaded her up with extreme levels of opiates to address the pain - but the pain was exacerbated by her mental health, and it was a vicious circle.

 

She needed more counseling and mental health treatment - and less opiates.... but in the end the pain killers won out, and took her life.

Edited December 11, 2017 by RecentChange

[todreaminblue]

Before I even got to the word fibromyalgia, I had a feeling this post was about a fibro sufferer.

 

My mother suffered from this disease, and depression.

 

Fibro and depression often go hand and hand:

 

A Brief Summary of the Biochemistry and Pharmacology of FM-associated Depression

 

My recommendation? Counseling. Does she see a psychiatrist or psychologist?

 

When my mother was addressing her mental health, her physical health was better managed. When she wasn't, the medical doctors simply loaded her up with extreme levels of opiates to address the pain - but the pain was exacerbated by her mental health, and it was a vicious circle.

 

She needed more counseling and mental health treatment - and less opiates.... but in the end the pain killers won out, and took her life.

 

im sorry you lost your mum i havent words but i just wanted to reach out and say that to you...debxo