34M - 14 days NC - I think i am about to break NC and do not think its smart.

[Aquaman83]

I am 34 years old, and I had my fair of the dating scene. A lot of my friends live through me, and my stories. One even went as far as I am a hank moody type. (I wouldn't go that far - and that person doesn't see my insecurities and flaws)

So I was dating this amazing person for about 2 months. A month in, she was looking at my phone. Saw two messages from other girls about confirming dates. (we were not exclusive, but a 2 weeks prior we discussed we were not seeing anyone, or planned too - but we we both were highly active on match) *I know a few of you will make comments on this, if she is so amazing; then why were you still dating other people. Part was a month in, and I developed feelings and felt like it was to soon to feel like this. I wanted to know if i liked her because of the sex, or, attention. So I wanted to gauge my feelings, because in the past i rushed into things way too fast. *

I had explained it to her, and she said its fine you can date whoever you want. but she was hurt by this, kind of briefly said so. I noticed after that point, she flaked (said something about making plans with her cousin)

I got needy. I got attached. I messed up. (its ok that i did, and as long as you learn from it)

she broke things off - saying we have amazing chemistry (mental/physical) and basically i felt like it was almost not genuine with how many compliments - and says she has a gut feeling this wont work out.

She ended it. I didn't beg, and closest i got to it was well why dont we put a pin in for a month and see what happens. and she said she has the habit of strining things on too long.

So fast forward, 5 days later - i didnt like how we left and ended. She sounded more excited to hear from me. Couple days later I hit her up (she said i can still contact her) we made plans

We went out for trivia, weird at first, and came closer at the end. Then i walked her home she invited me up to stay the night and we had sex 3 times.

I hit her up in the morning about our place in the trivia and found a photo of us. She sounded excited. She messaged me later that night, and the following day..

i hit her up over that weekend and made plans for tuesday.

She sent me a message a couple hours before our date?

hey, i've been thinking a lot lately and i feel guilty and bad about jumping back into this. I'm not really sure what i want right now and i don't want to drag you along for the ride. I think it's best if we cancel for tonight. I know i shouldnt of commited to our plan feeling like this but i have been having this internal battle w myself everyday and i feel like this is for the best.

I responded, Thank you for your honesty. You have my number if things change.

It will be 14 days, no contact.

I want to reach out, I want to converse, i want to get back together.

but I know, I cannot keep calling her, I know It is not a good idea, and I know if i do reach out - it will only lower my image to her.

I thought about writing a letter, and mailing it. Not today, I was kind of waiting until the 30th (least favorite day of the year - anniversary of my dad passing) and seeing if she would reach out. If she doesn't just to say hey was thinking of you.... i know today or something about that day.... but if i dont hear form her - then i know she doesnt care.

Then I was going to write a letter, not to beg. basically say how i felt, and how actually in the grand scheme of things - i handled this break up the best out of everyone i had? and i been focusing on myself... however i cannot get over this girl..

 

I just want to talk to her again. people say she sounds like she will come back but its false hope. and no i do not want her as just a friend.

<end rant>

[sdraw108]

You screwed up. You liked this girl but were still arranging other dates 1 month in. You even told her you were not seeing anyone or planning to, which means you lied.

 

Your reasoning for the other dates makes no sense to me. You had feelings for this girl after 1 month but you felt that you needed to date other girls so you could work out if you just liked the sex or the attention? If you say so...

 

Learn the lesson for next time. If you like someone, then be serious about it instead of being a commitment-phobe. Alternatively if you don't want to be serious, be up front that you just intend to sleep around so that they can make an informed decision. 1 month is not "too soon" to develop feelings for someone, it's actually quite normal.

Edited November 28, 2017 by sdraw108

[Aquaman83]

I did not intend to sleep with that woman.

I ddint want that.

[d0nnivain]

Do not send her a letter. Call her sooner rather than later to talk in a quiet but public place, preferably without booze.

 

 

Tell her some of what you told us. The highlights must include:

 

you know you screwed up

 

 

at the time you told her you weren't dating anybody else you meant it but then your insecurities got the better of you & you wanted to "make sure" of your feelings because it was soo new & you had erred in the past by rushing in too soon. To avoid that mistake you made this one

 

 

you are sorry that you caused her pain

 

 

you are ready to get off Match, be exclusive & delete your profile (offer to do it from your phone wit her watching)

 

If you are not ready to go all in here, leave her alone

[Aquaman83]

That is pretty much what i was going to do the night she ended it.

I have told her all those over a period of time. but look i did tell her i wasn't seeing anyone. I later decided to see if it was love or lust - i got caught. I applogized and told her i dont want to mess this up.

 

She knows i really like her, and the spark of the initial break up - when i asked her do you see us going anywhere? - when she started to be flakey.

 

your method would be best.

[d0nnivain]

It's too soon for the is this going anywhere conversation. That is still a ways down the road. Right now you are looking for a new years' eve date. Yes, I'm being facetious but don't project too far ahead.

 

 

If you get her to talk, follow up in a day or two with flowers . . . just because. They are a cliché for a reason. Men have been given them to women since time began as an apology.