How did you deal with an ex's engagement?

[DannyCA]

So how did you deal? It's crazy to think it's been 4+ years since we broke up. I thought it would sting more to see her get engaged.

 

Maybe a part of me foolishly thought we would get back together, that time would bring us back together? I'm just a bit lost for words because it should hurt, but it doesn't. It just feels a bit strange (if that makes sense).

 

The only problem is I remember when we broke up she went on about how she "wants to find herself" and "travel the world" and my goal was to graduate as fast as I could so we could settle down. That was when I was 21 and she was 20. I just don't understand because it's like she just partied for 2 years, got bored, then got a boyfriend (I say "bored" because when we met up 2 years ago she seemed lonely). Now after 2 years of dating they are engaged. Granted I think he's pretty well off and comes from a rich family. It just feels a bit fast for 24.

 

Now that she graduated she got engaged. It's almost like we traded places. I am close to finishing my masters degree, considering going for my PhD, and roughly traveling to a new country every month. I'm in the best shape of my life physically and intellectually and I've even dated girls that were so much better for me than she was (I had to break things off with them because I didn't feel I could be the boyfriend they deserve). But still here I am writing this post lol.

 

I guess a part of me can't help but feel "what if". What if I had reached out sooner? What if I had met up with her a year ago when she asked? What if we had met now instead of years ago? I've seen two ex's get married but didn't even flinch, but this time it just feels a little off, but like I said doesn't hurt.

 

Sorry I'm just ranting at this point

Edited November 28, 2017 by DannyCA

[d0nnivain]

Upon learning that one of my EX's got married I admit it hurt. I didn't know he'd gotten engaged. I ran into somewhere & he was wearing a wedding ring.

 

 

Even though I am happily married, my one EX that I lived with for 10 years, is still single. It will hurt if he ever gets married. That was why be broke up -- he didn't "believe" in marriage. Then the pain will turn to curiosity -- why her? why now? To his credit upon seeing me after I got married, he kissed my cheek & said "congratulations; [he's] a lucky guy". What freaked me out was the EX didn't say "he"; the EX said my husband's name. That told me the EX kept some sort of tabs on me.

 

 

You kind of have to chalk it up to if it had been meant to be, it'd be happening. You needed to go through the break up & spend the last 4 years doing whatever you had been doing to get to this point where you are now -- the best you of your life. But for that break up you wouldn't be here . . . you'd be somewhere else.

 

 

In my example above, but for that break up, I would not have learned to cook, I would not currently own my own business, & I probably would not have had the opportunity to care for my parents at the end of their lives the way I did. So while the what if game can be interesting you have to put it aside after a few moments.

[carhill]

Frankly, I'd be a mix of surprise and congratulations. Surprise that exW would let a guy gain access to assets in even the smallest amount that she worked long and hard for in our M and congrats that she'd finally made an 'honest man' out of the guy who's been living with her since we split up nearly a decade ago.

 

My best friend's wife has a bit of an evil streak so still likes to show me their FB page to get a reaction and mine always has been, hey I offered him a job and she turned it down

 

Having done all the stuff and knowing the good and bad of marriages, I'm happy for others to be happy as long as they're happy. Brief life.

[Marc878]

Like anything else it will fade with time but here and there you'll have a "what if".

 

Everyone has those.

 

Once you've completed your education and start your career they'll be less time to think about things. Except for fleeting moments.

[HiCrunchy]

People get married and divorced all the time. So idk depending on the personalities involved and quality of their relationship, she could be gone forever or be back on the market in a year. One never really knows as an outsider looking in. So as for right now u know she is taken, so u have no choice but to move on, if you are meant to get together with her in the future, then that marriage will fail or run it’s course and then it could be your turn if you choose to open that door. You shouldn’t wait round to find out though, just keep going through the motions of life and if it is meant to be, it will happen on its own.

 

I do think seeing an ex happy (especially if ur the dumpee or a forced dumper) will always hurt or sting a little even if we have for the most part moved on.

It could be residual feelings or most likely our ego.

 

Wish u well

[fieldoflavender]

It sucks for the first 24 hours, then you get over it if you are over them. But that relationship was 3-4 years ago. I don't know how I would feel about the current ex - I still have a lot of anger left for him. I can't say I can wish the first one well - he was a jerk at the end too, but the recent ex makes him look good, so I have to say I just feel neutral like he has nothing to do with me to be honest. It is annoying in a sense that he gets to find "happiness" while I am still single, but meh?

 

But the recent one - I'm sure it'll be anger and annoyance for 1 week, then I'll get over it too. Because I don't want to get married with him anymore. I don't even think I ever really did. I cried when he proposed - and in retrospect, it was all out of true feelings of knowing it was wrong, rather than being "emotional".

[DannyCA]

Upon learning that one of my EX's got married I admit it hurt. I didn't know he'd gotten engaged. I ran into somewhere & he was wearing a wedding ring.

 

 

Even though I am happily married, my one EX that I lived with for 10 years, is still single. It will hurt if he ever gets married. That was why be broke up -- he didn't "believe" in marriage. Then the pain will turn to curiosity -- why her? why now? To his credit upon seeing me after I got married, he kissed my cheek & said "congratulations; [he's] a lucky guy". What freaked me out was the EX didn't say "he"; the EX said my husband's name. That told me the EX kept some sort of tabs on me.

 

 

You kind of have to chalk it up to if it had been meant to be, it'd be happening. You needed to go through the break up & spend the last 4 years doing whatever you had been doing to get to this point where you are now -- the best you of your life. But for that break up you wouldn't be here . . . you'd be somewhere else.

 

 

In my example above, but for that break up, I would not have learned to cook, I would not currently own my own business, & I probably would not have had the opportunity to care for my parents at the end of their lives the way I did. So while the what if game can be interesting you have to put it aside after a few moments.

 

If the ex you lived with for 10 years had believed in marriage do you think you would have ended up with him? You said if he ever got married the pain will turn into curiosity, but why would it hurt? Shouldn't it not matter now that you're married? Say for example if I was in a relationship and saw that she got engaged, shouldn't it not sting to see her engagement?

 

And I see your point of "if it were not for the break up". I am responsible for my accomplishments at the moment, but I'd be lying if I said the BU wasn't the initial push to be the best man I can be. Traveling, higher education, proper nutrition/exercise, and state and world traveling. These were all by-products of the BU years ago.

 

Like anything else it will fade with time but here and there you'll have a "what if".

 

Everyone has those.

 

Once you've completed your education and start your career they'll be less time to think about things. Except for fleeting moments.

 

I know when I finally start my career I will have less time to think about this stuff, but at the moment I'm quite busy and still think about more than the fleeting moments. Even though I haven't let this history of the BU stagnate my life, I guess it still stings. I guess I've learned to have my life push forward positively while just living with the occasional pockets of burden.

 

People get married and divorced all the time. So idk depending on the personalities involved and quality of their relationship, she could be gone forever or be back on the market in a year. One never really knows as an outsider looking in. So as for right now u know she is taken, so u have no choice but to move on, if you are meant to get together with her in the future, then that marriage will fail or run it’s course and then it could be your turn if you choose to open that door. You shouldn’t wait round to find out though, just keep going through the motions of life and if it is meant to be, it will happen on its own.

 

I do think seeing an ex happy (especially if ur the dumpee or a forced dumper) will always hurt or sting a little even if we have for the most part moved on.

It could be residual feelings or most likely our ego.

 

Wish u well

 

That's one thing I have learned to accept, "if it were meant to be, then it will happen". I think that's one thing people tend to forget, that they just "happened" with their ex. If the love was real, the relationship just progressed naturally and organically. If the love was real, nothing was forced.

 

But maybe it stings a little more than it should because I know we would be better now together than before. When we met up for the first and only time 2 years ago we were different people. It felt like we never skipped a beat. She had the same look in her eyes the first time she said "i love you". It was only in this last year that she finally stopped contacting me.

 

But I guess all I can do is continue to improve myself in the best ways I can and let my life progress naturally

 

It sucks for the first 24 hours, then you get over it if you are over them. But that relationship was 3-4 years ago. I don't know how I would feel about the current ex - I still have a lot of anger left for him. I can't say I can wish the first one well - he was a jerk at the end too, but the recent ex makes him look good, so I have to say I just feel neutral like he has nothing to do with me to be honest. It is annoying in a sense that he gets to find "happiness" while I am still single, but meh?

 

But the recent one - I'm sure it'll be anger and annoyance for 1 week, then I'll get over it too. Because I don't want to get married with him anymore. I don't even think I ever really did. I cried when he proposed - and in retrospect, it was all out of true feelings of knowing it was wrong, rather than being "emotional".

 

So with that ex that proposed did you accept or was that the end of the relationship? It sounds like even though the first ex was a jerk, you have less hostile feelings towards him than the other. Could you elaborate?

[Nothingtolose]

I think down the road once I'm healed, I wouldn't care too much if he got engaged, mostly because I know he's not a great partner (has addictions, bad listener, doesn't help around the house etc), so the new woman has to deal with a handful.

 

However, if he became a dad and I still hadn't had a baby by then, I know it would devastate me, as being a mom has always been a dream of mine, and he was always on the fence about being a dad (it was another issue we had)...so to see that another girl managed to 'convince' him would be pretty upsetting.

[fieldoflavender]

 

 

So with that ex that proposed did you accept or was that the end of the relationship? It sounds like even though the first ex was a jerk, you have less hostile feelings towards him than the other. Could you elaborate?

 

I accepted because I wanted to be married and be "normal" like other people my age and convinced myself I loved him. But our relationship broke shortly after and the engagement pretty much did it - once we saw what we were in for the long run, we both kind of wanted out.

 

Yeah I do have less hostile feelings - well it was a much shorter relationship but I think I cared about him more overall and while he was a jerk, he wasn't as cowardly or irresponsible in comparison to this one. Or maybe it's because this one is fresh. Either way, they both suck and good riddance.

[DannyCA]

I accepted because I wanted to be married and be "normal" like other people my age and convinced myself I loved him. But our relationship broke shortly after and the engagement pretty much did it - once we saw what we were in for the long run, we both kind of wanted out.

 

Yeah I do have less hostile feelings - well it was a much shorter relationship but I think I cared about him more overall and while he was a jerk, he wasn't as cowardly or irresponsible in comparison to this one. Or maybe it's because this one is fresh. Either way, they both suck and good riddance.

 

Isn't it funny what you realize in retrospect? It's good you can reflect upon those ex's and state good riddance. I had my fair share of ex's that were definitely not good for me and it's good riddance too. But out of curiosity, you said your recent ex was cowardly and irresponsible? How? Why would you stay with someone that you felt had such negative qualities? Was it exclusively cause you wanted to feel "normal" like other people your age?

 

 

Maybe it doesn't bother me so much because I think she's doing what you did. Wanting to be "normal" like other people her age so she accepted the proposal. All of her close friends are married and this guy is 3 years older than her (at 27) so he wants to get married. And I don't quite like judging a book by its cover, but this guy definitely lucked out with my ex; she's out of his league.

 

Like I said at the beginning of the thread, it's crazy to think how we basically traded places. When we broke up she said she "wanted to find herself" and "travel", etc. I wanted to graduate as soon as I could so I could settle down. Now I'm working on my third degree considering going for a PhD after. Best shape of my life and traveling around the world.

 

She partied in her new town for two years. We met up at the end of those two years, she seemed incredibly lonely, and magically got a boyfriend shortly after we met for the first time. Now two years after that she graduates and immediately gets engaged.

 

So I'm just sitting here slightly puzzled because I'm asking myself what happened to the traveling? Doubt she's even made it out of the state. What happened to finding yourself? Two years of partying doesn't equate to exploring your full potential. Maybe I don't feel as bad because it truly does feel as if she is just cashing in and playing it safe.

[chinadiary]

My 2 previous exes got married. Meh. I didn't care. If the last one did, I'd be heartbroken.

[DannyCA]

My 2 previous exes got married. Meh. I didn't care. If the last one did, I'd be heartbroken.

 

 

I have two ex's that are married now, I didn't even flinch, I can honestly say I don't care. But this ex that got engaged isn't even the most recent one, but still all this time later the only one that stings just a little bit. Idk maybe even though I'm for the most part great (it has been 4+ years after all), she was the only one I really thought I'd marry. She was the only one that when we broke up it wasn't an incompatibility issue, but timing issue. Maybe that's why it still stings a bit, maybe that's why the "what if's still linger.

 

Is that kind of how you feel?

[mammasita]

I was sad.....for her. What a dummy.

[chinadiary]

I have two ex's that are married now, I didn't even flinch, I can honestly say I don't care. But this ex that got engaged isn't even the most recent one, but still all this time later the only one that stings just a little bit. Idk maybe even though I'm for the most part great (it has been 4+ years after all), she was the only one I really thought I'd marry. She was the only one that when we broke up it wasn't an incompatibility issue, but timing issue. Maybe that's why it still stings a bit, maybe that's why the "what if's still linger.

 

Is that kind of how you feel?

 

 

 

TBH, I'll never be over him. We had a great relationship, but his adult daughter wouldn't accept him having a relationship and mounted a campaign to get rid of me.

 

I think I was good for him, so if he got engaged, it would be a slap in the face.

[DannyCA]

TBH, I'll never be over him. We had a great relationship, but his adult daughter wouldn't accept him having a relationship and mounted a campaign to get rid of me.

 

I think I was good for him, so if he got engaged, it would be a slap in the face.

 

His adult daughter? That seems strange that she wouldn't accept him having a relationship. Could he not see what she was doing? What do you mean she had a campaign to get rid of you?

[fieldoflavender]

Isn't it funny what you realize in retrospect? It's good you can reflect upon those ex's and state good riddance. I had my fair share of ex's that were definitely not good for me and it's good riddance too. But out of curiosity, you said your recent ex was cowardly and irresponsible? How? Why would you stay with someone that you felt had such negative qualities? Was it exclusively cause you wanted to feel "normal" like other people your age?

 

 

Maybe it doesn't bother me so much because I think she's doing what you did. Wanting to be "normal" like other people her age so she accepted the proposal. All of her close friends are married and this guy is 3 years older than her (at 27) so he wants to get married. And I don't quite like judging a book by its cover, but this guy definitely lucked out with my ex; she's out of his league.

 

Like I said at the beginning of the thread, it's crazy to think how we basically traded places. When we broke up she said she "wanted to find herself" and "travel", etc. I wanted to graduate as soon as I could so I could settle down. Now I'm working on my third degree considering going for a PhD after. Best shape of my life and traveling around the world.

 

She partied in her new town for two years. We met up at the end of those two years, she seemed incredibly lonely, and magically got a boyfriend shortly after we met for the first time. Now two years after that she graduates and immediately gets engaged.

 

So I'm just sitting here slightly puzzled because I'm asking myself what happened to the traveling? Doubt she's even made it out of the state. What happened to finding yourself? Two years of partying doesn't equate to exploring your full potential. Maybe I don't feel as bad because it truly does feel as if she is just cashing in and playing it safe.

 

Sigh it's a long story - basically I was sick of feeling old and never having someone to take functions, and when someone came to "apparently" treated me well and had the check marks in terms of career etc. - I took the bait and thought I could do it even if I knew deep down, I didn't really love him that much. I tried to trick myself into thinking I did, but I did not.

 

There are still days like today when I wonder if it was the right decision. Should I have just been like many of the other unhappy but perhaps better than single people out there who are in marriages which are not perfect, but they just deal with it? I think the right answer is still no - but it's hard sometimes when I feel so lonely. But I know nothing is worse than feeling incredibly lonely when you are even in a relationship. Or the feeling that you just want to run away from it all. At least no one can hurt me and cause me to want to run away. So in that way, it's good now.

 

And sometimes people's negative qualities only show up when they don't care about being with you anymore. I think that stung the most - he hid them away from me throughout the relationship and as soon as we broke up, his worst qualities all came out because he didn't care anymore. It speaks a lot about his character.

[chinadiary]

His adult daughter? That seems strange that she wouldn't accept him having a relationship. Could he not see what she was doing? What do you mean she had a campaign to get rid of you?

 

 

Stealing my stuff, denying it. Inviting friends round on work nights (she wasn't working) and making so much noise until 2 or 3am I couldnt sleep, knowing I had to be up at 6am. One memorable occasion, booking her mother tickets to a concert I'd booked for my ex as a romantic weekend away, and crashing our weekend. 300 miles away from home. When I moved in after 11 years (his idea, totally, not mine), throwing a week long tantrum, calling me a c**t, talking loudly on the phone to her friends about me, swearing at me through doors. On and on.

 

I'm sad he and I are over, but SO glad I don't have to tolerate her anymore.