depressed because I'm lying to myself

[d0nnivain]

Just got home from therapy. The therapist said that I am in part causing my own depression because I'm lying to myself.

 

As a child my parents, especially my mother, told me I wasn't good enough. I still play that "head tape" over & over. . . I can always berate myself for the smallest fault or mistake.

 

According to my therapist, part of the reason I am so depressed is that I lie to myself. I am constantly telling myself I'm not good enough when the reality is I'm a good person who is accomplished & respected but I just keep trying to convince myself I'm worthless & my brain is having trouble processing the lie with the evidence to the contrary.

 

What does LS think about her theory?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think it's probably a cyclical thought pattern. Your depression makes you think you're not good enough, and your thoughts that you're not good enough cause depression.

 

The tricky part is, which came first, the chicken or the egg?

[Buriall]

You left out a good missing link here, what is it that youre feeling this way "not good enough" can you elaborate on that a bit more?

 

You say youre accomplished & respected its obvious you are seeking something else. Every therapist have different ways of approaching stuff, can't really comment on that..

 

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” lao tzu

[snowboy91]

Just got home from therapy. The therapist said that I am in part causing my own depression because I'm lying to myself.

 

As a child my parents, especially my mother, told me I wasn't good enough. I still play that "head tape" over & over. . . I can always berate myself for the smallest fault or mistake.

 

According to my therapist, part of the reason I am so depressed is that I lie to myself. I am constantly telling myself I'm not good enough when the reality is I'm a good person who is accomplished & respected but I just keep trying to convince myself I'm worthless & my brain is having trouble processing the lie with the evidence to the contrary.

 

What does LS think about her theory?

 

It's an interesting theory and happens quite a lot with people (including myself) who have had depression. I see it as more of a negative self-narrative than lying to oneself, because it is very difficult to view ourselves objectively without some kind of external reference, and thus it's incredibly difficult to determine if what you're telling yourself is a "lie" or the "truth". So we use another reference, which is often imagining what the people closest to us would think.

 

The bit in bold is probably the bit you should work on. It may help to use said evidence to build an alternative narrative which is more convincing (more evidence for the positive than for the negative - the evidence also stops you from thinking you're delusional!). The hard part is identifying when these negative self-beliefs kick in.

[CristianConnects]

Nothing's wrong with you man. Personally I much better than who I used to be I could go back but why the promise is ahead before your very eyes, if you really want to be better you'll do what ever possible. Thoughts are just randomly happening we can't control it but we can choose to take control of our lives.

[Els]

I've always been a believer in the Dunning-Kruger theory - only people who are crappy at something will believe from the very start that they are amazing at it, because they don't have the self-awareness to understand what it is that they don't know.

 

I'm very much like you in feeling like I'm not good enough for this or that. What I've found helps is to actually accept that feeling and to view it as part of my drive to improve myself, but to not dwell on it or feel negatively because of it. Basically, allow yourself to feel it - but make it a positive thing instead. "Yes, I could do with some improvement just like everyone else, and improve I shall. Nobody is perfect."

[HiCrunchy]

I wouldn't use the term lying per se.

But there is evidence that our inner monologue or self talks shapes our perception of ourselves. This has nothing to do with if your actually a good person or not (there are murders that think they good people because they are better than pedos for ex). Morality and "goodness" is subjective.

 

You have internalized that talk from the environment that was pretty negative. It doesn't matter if that talk is true in itself, but rather if it is now true to you. This is called the illusionary truth effect. Repeating something often enough will make it truth for you. The good thing is all you have to do is change that monologue to more positive self perception.

 

From my interactions with you on this forum, you seem like a wonderful woman to me and always trying to help people (and me lol). But you have to learn to see that for yourself.

 

wish you well.

[CptInsano]

What does LS think about her theory?

 

Sounds plausible to me. My mother was similar, but I more or less rejected her advice and later her as a person altogether. So I externalized, giving the world the middle finger and did my own thing. When my mom yelled at me that I didn't listen it became the greatest compliment.

 

But in your case I can see how the futile effort of turning a lie into the truth can be depressing. You can't succeed at that, it's an endless struggle.

[Kamille]

I had a similar conversation with a therapist years ago. What I have to practice, constantly, is to ask myself: "What evidence do I have that I am a failure? What evidence do I have that I am succeeding (not a failure)?"

 

Often, the evidence for "failure" is how I feel - and not supported by other measures such as how much friends and colleague appreciate me.

[d0nnivain]

I had a similar conversation with a therapist years ago. What I have to practice, constantly, is to ask myself: "What evidence do I have that I am a failure? What evidence do I have that I am succeeding (not a failure)?"

 

Often, the evidence for "failure" is how I feel - and not supported by other measures such as how much friends and colleague appreciate me.

 

Exactly . . . but I don't always believe the evidence. I really want to get past this. It's a grey cloud hanging over my life.

[Kamille]

Exactly . . . but I don't always believe the evidence. I really want to get past this. It's a grey cloud hanging over my life.

 

It gets easier with practice. And it feels good to start seeing all the evidence, not just the evidence that supports a distorted, negative, view of ourselves.

 

But it is a practice, one that I have remind myself to do. It involves taking the time to feel good when something good happens. Recently, for me, it was being named in the acknowledgement of a respected researcher. When I feel myself getting hard on myself, I remind myself of that and allow myself to feel good.

[KimmyO]

Yes, self talk can be destructive or building up! You need to verbally correct yourself when negativity starts and do something that you love that will build your self esteem and reach out to new goals, do silly things without worrying about outcome like a one time painting class that is just for fun or knitting or sewing, writing poetry, reading to learn. The more you build yourself up thru words and deeds the quieter the neg. voices will become. Get involved in groups around you that support you too. Community groups or churches near you have lots of interest groups, many of which are free or near free. Distance yourself from those who cont. to bring you down. You are a treasure, you are valuable and your past is over! Don't let it cont. to hurt you, drop it in the deepest sea every day if you have to! Write out "Today, I start over!" Fresh starts are great! =)

[ZayKayWill]

Exactly . . . but I don't always believe the evidence. I really want to get past this. It's a grey cloud hanging over my life.

 

 

 

You don't believe the evidence because those people made you feel that way. If these people feel that way, if multiple people feel that way, then they GOTTA be right, right? What is it that I'm not seeing that they are?

 

 

Nah. Honestly what kind of person makes it a point to make someone feel bad about themselves? What do they value from that? Is that what makes them feel like they belong or are special in some sort of way? The way I see it if these people were happy or good people themselves, they wouldn't have gone out of their way or tried so hard to put you down or make you feel bad. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. If you want to help someone, you don't do it by making them feel like they're not worth it, you *respectfully* point out what the problem is and what can be done to make it better. Basically, you teach the person rather than berate the person. Personally I never understood people who berate others, that is, unless I just really didn't like that person and they deserved it I guess, but even if they do deserve it, the mature and respectful thing to do is to just be nice and respectful. Anyone who isn't nice or respectful probably very deep down is an angry and miserable person. I've been pretty angry and miserable before, but that never incited me to make others feel bad about themselves, again, unless they for some reason deserved it.

 

 

Sorry...long rant. But, I know how you feel. Don't let anyone bring you down. You're better than that and way better than they'll ever be.

[mercy]

Just got home from therapy. The therapist said that I am in part causing my own depression because I'm lying to myself.

 

As a child my parents, especially my mother, told me I wasn't good enough. I still play that "head tape" over & over. . . I can always berate myself for the smallest fault or mistake.

 

According to my therapist, part of the reason I am so depressed is that I lie to myself. I am constantly telling myself I'm not good enough when the reality is I'm a good person who is accomplished & respected but I just keep trying to convince myself I'm worthless & my brain is having trouble processing the lie with the evidence to the contrary.

 

What does LS think about her theory?

 

Well, of course you are lying to yourself, that's obvious. But can't she go deeper with you?

 

I just can't help wondering in what context your mom would tell you that.

 

I know its been said a million times but it is so true, what others don't give you, give yourself.

 

Remember lies keep us stuck, truth sets us free.

 

The truth about you is how you define yourself, not someone else.

 

Did you get any results from the gene testing?

[Ieris]

@d0nnivain ~ I agree with your therapist, it's like your mother planted a bad seed in your head and it's now a part of you. Some people simply accept it, make peace with it and move on but if it's still bothering you after so many years then I think you have to go backwards in order to move forward. There's this knot you have to go back to untie, some things you have to go back to unlearn and plant a more positive seed in it's place. It sounds like mental gymnastics, but I think books like The Mind-Made Prison or Healing You Inner Child may help you.

 

I was once in a group listening to peoples problems and it seems a lot of them have issues that stem from their parents, they all blamed their parents for why they felt inadequate, a failure despite achieving so much in the lives etc. One point I found interesting was how their mothers probably grew up with similar mothers, so any parenting skills they learnt was from their parents. I remember thinking how adults are so clueless, as parents they were probably just winging it so really can't blame them for not all turning out to be A* parents. After that I stopped blaming my parents so much and it really helped when I spoke to my parents about how what they said and did affected me, it was good to get that off my chest. Maybe you can try having a conversation with your mother about that?

[jjgitties]

Is that theory kind of makes no sense.

How is ones own mind and brain supposed to know when one is lying to oneself?

 

Is that not what the term hindsight is 20/20 is all about?

 

While you are in the present you are constantly making mistakes but you are not aware of it and think you are doing things correctly and logically.you think you are actually doing things that make perfect sense based on the knowledge you have in the present.

 

It's only in the future that you are able to look back into the past, with the newly gained knowledge and insight and experience you aquired , and only then are you are able to look back and identify your mistakes.

 

If you are constantly beating your self and going into depression over things because you think you are no good at it, then it's a combination of your personality and your natural inclination to go into depression. It's entirely possible to be a human and beat yourself over little things but not allow yourself to go into a depression. You just take a don't give a **** attitude. But just continue to be hard on yourself because that's the personality type you are.

[d0nnivain]

. Maybe you can try having a conversation with your mother about that?

 

 

My mother died several years ago. Years before that I was able to turn the mind tape off & be productive / happy but in the years since she has gone, I have slid further & further into a place where I feel like I can't help myself. I'm afraid of everything. It's awful.

 

If you are constantly beating your self and going into depression over things because you think you are no good at it, then it's a combination of your personality and your natural inclination to go into depression. It's entirely possible to be a human and beat yourself over little things but not allow yourself to go into a depression. You just take a don't give a **** attitude. But just continue to be hard on yourself because that's the personality type you are.

 

 

That is part of it. I have always been hard on myself. For a long time that motivated me to do better to work harder but then nothing changed & I sort of stopped caring. Part of me feels like I want to punish myself. I know it's not healthy. I know I need to stop. I just feel stuck & unable to process.

[JustGettingBy]

I certainly wouldn't say its the cause. Certainly isn't helping, though.

 

How to improve self esteem:

[jjgitties]

My mother died several years ago. Years before that I was able to turn the mind tape off & be productive / happy but in the years since she has gone, I have slid further & further into a place where I feel like I can't help myself. I'm afraid of everything. It's awful.

 

 

 

 

That is part of it. I have always been hard on myself. For a long time that motivated me to do better to work harder but then nothing changed & I sort of stopped caring. Part of me feels like I want to punish myself. I know it's not healthy. I know I need to stop. I just feel stuck & unable to process.

 

Sometimes no matter how hard you try, some things don't change. but other times, crisis and change itself brings on change in the person.

 

"how do we change? how do we change others?

we change by moving from a narrow space, where we are restricted

and moving into an open space, where possibilities expand"

 

stolen from the dialogue of the narrator in an art film i recently watched.

 

;-)

[gelite3]

Since our thought life directly relates to our behavior and actions, it is important to control the thoughts that we reflect on, dwell on, and tell ourselves. I can certainly see why your therapist would say that you are telling yourself lies and I can see why he/she would encourage you to tell yourself truth about yourself. The foundation of truth is not what we think, not what others think, but what does God think about you. Have you thought about finding out what God thinks about you? If you begin to search what God thinks about you and remind yourself of that, by His power, you can be transformed from the inside out and your self perception will change.

[Fair]

Have you ever watched Bob Proctor's videos on youtube where he talks about paradigms? It ties into this whole idea of how being raised with a certain self image affects us and holds us back in life.

 

I suggest watching these... they don't talk specifically about depression though he does touch on the subject sometimes... but it all ties in together... self image and paradigms and how they make us feel and function in the world. The videos might actually help you if you care to check them out.

[preraph]

Donnivain, what you have to understand is that your mother passed on her own bad self-esteem to you. She may or may not have known how not to if she was raised under a similar script. People who habitually criticize (my own mom did it to me) or tear down others are subconsciously trying to make themselves feel better or equal or superior. Tearing them down to size gives them a temporary feeling that they are not the bottom of the barrel. They are self-validating. And of course, doing it to a child is cruel and petty, but it's unlikely she had any kind of real lucidity about what or why she was doing it. Once you tell people why they're doing it, they are usually embarrassed enough to try to stop, because then they realize them criticizing someone for no reason is really saying more about them than about the victim.

 

I don't know about your doc's theory that changing your inner narrative will fix it. I think your accomplishments have probably largely fixed it but that there is always this little lingering underpinning of shaky self-esteem.

 

I think it's more important that you realize this was all about HER, not all about you, and simply think of it that way as much as possible. It was her problem. It wasn't true. She was trying to prop herself up.

[jjgitties]

Donnivain, what you have to understand is that your mother passed on her own bad self-esteem to you. She may or may not have known how not to if she was raised under a similar script. People who habitually criticize (my own mom did it to me) or tear down others are subconsciously trying to make themselves feel better or equal or superior. Tearing them down to size gives them a temporary feeling that they are not the bottom of the barrel. They are self-validating. And of course, doing it to a child is cruel and petty, but it's unlikely she had any kind of real lucidity about what or why she was doing it. Once you tell people why they're doing it, they are usually embarrassed enough to try to stop, because then they realize them criticizing someone for no reason is really saying more about them than about the victim.

 

I don't know about your doc's theory that changing your inner narrative will fix it. I think your accomplishments have probably largely fixed it but that there is always this little lingering underpinning of shaky self-esteem.

 

I think it's more important that you realize this was all about HER, not all about you, and simply think of it that way as much as possible. It was her problem. It wasn't true. She was trying to prop herself up.

 

This is a theory based on the idea that our parents are the sole sources of any and all "bad" habits we may have aquired in our personalities and into adulthood.

 

This may or may not be the case. I am a firm believer we are the sum of "all" our parts. Sure, some of it was from parents, some of it was from personal experiences that are separate from parents, some of it is from our own interactions with other people we encounter in our lives. some of it is from education and discovery, and some of it is just brand spanking new and original behaviour that comes right our of the innards that makes us the complex humans we are.

 

Bottom line is, you are the person and the personality you are. Once you get to a certain age, you ain't going to change anymore. You might, but probably very little. You are the person you have become. As the cliche goes, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks".

 

dg

[preraph]

Self-esteem can certainly improve with age and accomplishments, self-reliance, etc. I know that for sure because it did for me. Self-esteem can be built.

 

I attribute most of this to her mother because that is what she said. Of course, we have other influences, but none so profound as what our parents model.

[jjgitties]

Self-esteem can certainly improve with age and accomplishments, self-reliance, etc. I know that for sure because it did for me. Self-esteem can be built.

 

I attribute most of this to her mother because that is what she said. Of course, we have other influences, but none so profound as what our parents model.

 

I know what you are saying. But I find the parents model in a modern globalized world a very hard sell. At least in my case. My parents lived and were raise in a very different world, country, and socio-economic environment. Its an environment I have personally had zero exposure to. I wouldn't even begin to be able to understand what it was like growing up in a post WWII reconstruction world. I think I inherited some traits from my parents (I also think I inherited some traits from grand parents) but I am also certain I am detached from a great many more traits of from parents and grand parents than what I inherited.