depressed because I'm lying to myself

[preraph]

Well, there's genetic traits, but then some of those can be overcome if you have great parents who raise you well. Their environment is one thing, but what they're like inside may have a more direct impact on a child than the outside environment -- unless it's very extreme, of course, which leaves a mark on all of society.

[d0nnivain]

No it has a lot to do with my parents. One example: if I got a 95 on a test, that was not celebrated. I was berated for not getting a 100. I graduated 3rd in my high school class because the kid who was #1 got an A+ in gym; #2 got an A & I got an A- because I wasn't athletic. My mother refused to attend the ceremony because I humiliated by my poor performance.

 

 

Yes, I am an adult. Objectively I'm accomplished: graduate degree; own my own business; turn a profit; seem to be liked & respected by my peers but because I never achieved the top 1% of my profession in terms of money or prestige I feel like a failure.

 

 

I really want to re-write the narrative but it's not easy. Outside people kind of look at me oddly because the world "says" I should be proud of everything I have accomplished & I really do have many blessings. I just have trouble seeing it that way. The objective vs the subjective how I feel about it, conflicts.

[GorillaTheater]

You rock Donni, and don't even bother disagreeing with me because I know what I'm talking about.

[jjgitties]

I really want to re-write the narrative but it's not easy. Outside people kind of look at me oddly because the world "says" I should be proud of everything I have accomplished & I really do have many blessings. I just have trouble seeing it that way. The objective vs the subjective how I feel about it, conflicts.

 

I can't relate to you as a human on any level then. I live my life by happily lumbering around as being an absolute average in everything I do. I aim and expect zero and usually get an average result and tell myself, well, that's not too bad, it could have been a big zero, and am happy with what I got.

 

I guess if you are a high achiever, you will never be content unless you are in the top 1 or 2% of what you aim to achieve. I guess thats just how it works for high achievers.

[preraph]

All that stuff about grades never being good enough, they were jealous and wanted to take you down a peg. My own mother never did what you'd call encouragement about grades. I just knew I was supposed to get straight A's, but the most she'd say is I got my brains from her and then a comment about my dad didn't graduate high school or something like that.

 

My downfall was bad penmanship and I wasn't old enough to straighten teachers out myself, but it was because my much older sister intentionally closed a pickup door all the way on my fingers when I was 3 and it was never mentioned again because my mother didn't enjoy criticizing my sister whose approval she was always trying to win. And my mom must have been in denial about it because she never told the teachers my fingers had to be sewn on and to stop harping about the penmanship.

 

No help on homework ever. I was on my own and I did build some self-esteem from that fact alone, only to have it shredded in junior high by some bullying.

 

My mom would be supportive in other ways, but she had a blind eye to her criticizing. She'd make me clothes, things like that, and always food on the table. Everyone has things in their makeup that have been that way so long they don't recognize it as different.

 

My mom wasn't affectionate when I was a child. She would TELL me she liked cuddling babies and us when we were babies. But she wasn't. I remember some relatives came to visit and they had a toddler and had her on their lap and my mother told me to come over and get on her lap, as if we did that all the time. She wanted the relatives to think she was that way. I was blunt and told her, "Why? You never do that any other time." I wasn't having any of it. I saw right through it.

 

Still there are things I cherish about both my parents, but we all have our flaws. We just have to know those are their weaknesses, and don't have to be ours.

[Marc878]

No it has a lot to do with my parents. One example: if I got a 95 on a test, that was not celebrated. I was berated for not getting a 100. I graduated 3rd in my high school class because the kid who was #1 got an A+ in gym; #2 got an A & I got an A- because I wasn't athletic. My mother refused to attend the ceremony because I humiliated by my poor performance.

 

 

Yes, I am an adult. Objectively I'm accomplished: graduate degree; own my own business; turn a profit; seem to be liked & respected by my peers but because I never achieved the top 1% of my profession in terms of money or prestige I feel like a failure.

 

 

I really want to re-write the narrative but it's not easy. Outside people kind of look at me oddly because the world "says" I should be proud of everything I have accomplished & I really do have many blessings. I just have trouble seeing it that way. The objective vs the subjective how I feel about it, conflicts.

 

Your parents had the problem so stop making it yours.

[carhill]

Reading only the OP, remembering how our MC handled such aspects, I'd say identify the parent-child interaction as a valid tape, expect it to play, embrace it playing, experience the feelings as they occur and process them out as valid to the tape in that timeline but not today. Then was then and now is now.

 

I didn't have the parent-child tape to the extent you outline but did have other, more sinister, tapes, and had to learn to process them out.

 

However, I can empathize with critical parents and always being pushed to do more. My exW read, with some incredulity, the letters my parents would send to me at summer camp when I was like, heh, ten. Brutal. I think she was trying to reconcile that treatment of a child to the loyalty I showed my mother as her caregiver while she died. She viewed the dynamic completely differently than I did. I expected that since she had a completely different childhood and her own tapes.

 

That's life. It'll work out. Hopefully the therapist is well-versed in psychological tools. Task them. They work for you. Good luck!

[No_Go]

D0n, I've always thought about you as super successful woman from what you wrote here. You give this vibe, I believe you have confidence inside you otherwise it would have read differently.

 

My parents were exactly like yours. I was loved for my grades, if I get anything but top of the class - I'd be mocked by them. Therefore to be being on top became a life-death situation, like a mission of my life. After I finished my PhD it took a toll because there was all of a sudden nothing more to compete for...

 

But I never really got depressed. I guess I'm lucky to have confidence coming from within Or maybe because of my pretty abusive parents I got rock solid impenetrable to mocking. People will tell me in my face how 'I'll burn out and fail' - I'll acknowledge and secretly laugh That kept me (and keeps me) going and so far, so good.

 

You CAN rewrite your narrative. You will. You just need to make it one of your goals. I have no doubt you will because your confidence is actually tangible.

 

No it has a lot to do with my parents. One example: if I got a 95 on a test, that was not celebrated. I was berated for not getting a 100. I graduated 3rd in my high school class because the kid who was #1 got an A+ in gym; #2 got an A & I got an A- because I wasn't athletic. My mother refused to attend the ceremony because I humiliated by my poor performance.

 

 

Yes, I am an adult. Objectively I'm accomplished: graduate degree; own my own business; turn a profit; seem to be liked & respected by my peers but because I never achieved the top 1% of my profession in terms of money or prestige I feel like a failure.

 

 

I really want to re-write the narrative but it's not easy. Outside people kind of look at me oddly because the world "says" I should be proud of everything I have accomplished & I really do have many blessings. I just have trouble seeing it that way. The objective vs the subjective how I feel about it, conflicts.

[dichotomy]

Learning to be kind, accepting, and loving of yourself - sounds corny but its hard for some of us.

 

I also had some terrible losses as a child and also young man in college - that I had to deal with much later in life with therapy.

 

I have worked hard to not let others opinions or words or comments take me down - but its a constant battle.

 

I am glad your working on understanding yourself.

[Chilli]

Sorry to hear that Donni , damn.

Yaknow , when l got into my 20s, 30s though and l had a lotta shyt growing up.

l thought to myself people will think and assume whatever they do and always will , but 99% of the time they'll be wrong and l know they are because they just don't know who l am.

l've drawn a lot of strength from that my whole life since and to this day they can think what they damnwell please , but they'll be wrong.

 

Your your own person now , no one can touch that,your the boss.

Good luck with everything.

[Popsicle]

Just got home from therapy. The therapist said that I am in part causing my own depression because I'm lying to myself.

 

As a child my parents, especially my mother, told me I wasn't good enough. I still play that "head tape" over & over. . . I can always berate myself for the smallest fault or mistake.

 

According to my therapist, part of the reason I am so depressed is that I lie to myself. I am constantly telling myself I'm not good enough when the reality is I'm a good person who is accomplished & respected but I just keep trying to convince myself I'm worthless & my brain is having trouble processing the lie with the evidence to the contrary.

 

What does LS think about her theory?

Oh, I think she's right. I've seen people in my life who have convinced themselves (mostly because someone very important to them told them

this) that they are not good enough, or not this, or not that. And this thought is completely false, but it lingers for life.

 

If you can take control of your thoughts and let yourself start to believe that you are good enough and that your mother was wrong, you will reverse this.

[elaine567]

Yes, I am an adult. Objectively I'm accomplished: graduate degree; own my own business; turn a profit; seem to be liked & respected by my peers but because I never achieved the top 1% of my profession in terms of money or prestige I feel like a failure.

 

You are not actually lying to yourself.

Within the tough lines you have set for yourself you ARE actually a failure. That is why it is so difficult for you to see the good points of your life, as to you they are NOT good, and probably never will be, unless you change your outlook...

 

The voice in your head is actually you. You can "blame" your mother and no doubt she shaped your perceptions but she is dead and it is now only you who is the critic.

 

You are just having difficulty accepting the "failure" 99% of the population has to live with every day.

Unless you are going to pick up your profession and run with it to the top then at some point you are going to have to accept your life as is.

 

(Of course the mind tape may also be your way of keeping your mother alive - part of the grieving process maybe)

[amaysngrace]

Challenge your negative self-talk as it occurs because your therapist is right. You're believing a lie.

 

The lie is the narrative you keep playing over and over again in your head. Detach from it whenever it creeps up by stopping the thought in its tracks and ask yourself who led you to believe this? Is it true? Is it helpful or harmful to believe this about yourself?

 

If it's true and necessary than work on accepting it about yourself but if it's a flat out lie and harmful to you in some way let it go.

 

Journaling can help a lot here to get your thoughts on paper to work through them properly.

 

Good luck. You got this!

[Chilli]

Strange . when l stopped caring what my dad thought enough to be my own man no matter, is when we started getting along for the first time ever, 30ish.

[gone_girl]

yes, it makes sense... no one wants to admit that their parents didnt do a good job.it's also not easy to stop believing something you have internalized from such a young age. you have to consciously make a decision to BE NICE to yourself. just decide it and promise yourself to stop with the blame from that point on. its ok if you cant do this immediately but promise yourself that you wont stop trying.

[mortensorchid]

You have a systematic problem of doing one thing and thinking another if (blank) happens. You are not the only one who suffers from this.

[whichwayisup]

Just got home from therapy. The therapist said that I am in part causing my own depression because I'm lying to myself.

 

As a child my parents, especially my mother, told me I wasn't good enough. I still play that "head tape" over & over. . . I can always berate myself for the smallest fault or mistake.

 

According to my therapist, part of the reason I am so depressed is that I lie to myself. I am constantly telling myself I'm not good enough when the reality is I'm a good person who is accomplished & respected but I just keep trying to convince myself I'm worthless & my brain is having trouble processing the lie with the evidence to the contrary.

 

What does LS think about her theory?

 

I hope your therapist re trains your brain and teaches you how to fight the negative thoughts and leave the past in the past. Your mom was abusive and had power over you but now you're older and wiser don't give your mom the power to still make you feel bad about yourself. YOU are stronger than you realize!

 

We all have insecurities from our past and childhood, I certainly do but I try to keep them in perspective, especially during PMS days!

[Soak]

Sometimes you just have to let go and be who you are. Without the judgement.