I feel like it may have been better if he had died, this feels worse

[Elfess]

I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boyfriend of 15 years has been a habitual cheater with multiple women. What triggered this was learning (we have been long distance for almost 4 years) that he had moved in with another woman. No, not moved in, they found the place together. He denied it of course, then tried to make it my fault by saying I had been "distant" (because I didn't send him nude pics all the damn time) and that I had been pulling away. He even claimed he had made me an engagement ring. He showed me a pic, though I don't know what to believe about that. He said he needed time to "digest" all this as he would get back to me. He didn't know I was recording the conversation and had also sent it and our recent texts to the other woman. Now she must be a real dumb and dense person cause he is still with her, even after I showed her proof that he had just come up to where I live and spend a few nights with me. I even showed proof that while she thought they were together and I was operating under the assumption that I was still the only person in his life he was repeatedly coming up here to see me, for Christmas and Thanksgiving and Spring Break etc.

When he found out later that day I had sent her those things he cut me off completely, won't talk to me or acknowledge what he did wrong. Even blocked my emails.....

 

I am devastated. 15 years of my life gone because of this sociopath. I am trying to finish school but I am suddenly very depressed after finding out the man I thought I loved never even existed. Whats worse is this other woman can't see it!? I know she has been married at least twice before, possibly three times. Is she just not good at all when it comes to men?

 

This whole ordeal prompted me to call other women who he had accused of trying to make drama, or women who had been friends only to suddenly disappear. Even a few of his male friends. The story they painted was shocking. This man had no shame or fear of me finding out. He had multiple women throughout our relationship. He also burned a lot of people he had called friends. I had taken his side when these events happen, though now looking back at it I doubt EVERYTHING he ever told me.

 

He was my first love, met him when I was 18. How do I find and fall in love with another man and still be able to have children at my age now!? How could someone do this to another person!? To say I am devastated is a disservice to how I feel. I keep trying to keep myself from contacting him, I think he gets my texts, but I go through these real angry moments and I can't help it. I don't know what to do, he stole 15 years of my life. 15 YEARS!

[Jdoublenn]

So sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers are with you, as i know the pain of realizing someone you thought you knew, ended up being SO different. Love sucks.

[Müun]

And rage and feeling like you’ll never be able to trust anybody else in this world. What is worst that you must feel that because you made a wrong choice with your partner of 15 years you might feel like you can’t trust yourself either. I’ve been through very similar emotions recently and you can look up my posts and see how the feelings have evolved through up and downs in the past weeks. But what I want to tell you is to try see the positives in this situation. You say that you two had a long distance relationship for long. This is good because in the end you probably still have your life and friends and activities to keep you busy during this complicated moment of your life. What I want to say is that you still have you, as opposed as if you’d been living together or had children for example, of moved away and left everything to be with him where he is. Might seem like a small consonlation but makes it easier to start fresh. From what you say you’re also young and you’ve been with this person since when you were 18. Might be time to explore other things (like being free to move anywhere you want and setting your goals only for your own timeline) and also meet other people when you feel ready. I know it hurts, and i’m Not trying to minimize the situation but this need of reaching out on him is probably you a) reaching out for who you thought was your best friend and needing him for comfort b) your rage and the need to throw it all on him, Because he deserves it and he was wasting your time and doing horrible stuff at your back for years.

See him like and habit, at least try, that you need to cut. Again, you still have you. You’re not married ( so no legal and major financial issues will come from this break up I guess) you have no children and you are young. Don’t think about the other woman, you did what you could letting her know who she’s mixing her life up with. If she chooses not to listen it’s not your problem. He is not your problem anymore and you will be grateful for this discover one day.

My thoughts are with you. Hugs.

[Timshel]

I don't know what to do, he stole 15 years of my life. 15 YEARS!

 

No, you gave him 15 years of your life. Healing will begin when you stop blaming him and look inside yourself. He has always been right in front of you.

 

How much more time will you let him 'steal?'

[sdraw108]

It's horrible, but try to stay focussed on the positive aspects:

 

 

1. 15 years is a long time, but it could have been longer before you found out. Be glad that you can get out now, and not in another 10 years.
   
2. You're free now to meet someone who is actually nice. This guy is clearly a bad person, and he always was. You just didn't realise it.
   
3. By my calculations, you're 33. That's still young enough to have several years to meet new people, find the right one, and start a family. It's common for women to have babies into their late 30s and even beyond.
   

 

In the meantime, maintain NC. Stop sending him texts. Delete his number from your phone. Stop thinking about the other woman. It's her problem now, not yours. Sooner or later she will get burned too, but the point is that this isn't your concern. Just focus on erasing all trace of him from your life, take the time out to heal, keep busy with activities that are healthy and enjoyable to you, and at some point you'll feel ready to date again.

 

This breakup will be one of the best things that ever happened to you, I promise.

[elaine567]

Now she must be a real dumb and dense person cause he is still with her, even after I showed her proof that he had just come up to where I live and spend a few nights with me. I even showed proof that while she thought they were together and I was operating under the assumption that I was still the only person in his life he was repeatedly coming up here to see me, for Christmas and Thanksgiving and Spring Break etc.

 

OK but maybe she knew or suspected all along and she is now a whole lot happier to have you out of the picture and him all to herself...

 

sdraw is correct.

"This breakup will be one of the best things that ever happened to you, I promise."

[Confused48]

I totally get how you feel. When I found out 12 years into my marriage, 14 all together, about my WS's affair, I definitely wished retrospectively for death for WS or even myself as preferable to WS participating in the affair. This pain is like no other. I'm sorry for you that you are going through this.

 

If only WS had died before the affair started, I could have thought of WS as a good person, a valued partner, a good parent to our children, etc.. All that is gone. I think it would have been easier to move on rather than to know that I shared my life with the monster that WS became in the affair. Feelings of self doubt, sadness for my kids more, much more, than if WS had died as an honorable person.

[Space Ritual]

I found out a couple of weeks ago that my boyfriend of 15 years has been a habitual cheater with multiple women.

 

15 years in a relationship? Were you two ever engaged? I ask because if you were not married all these years and still dating, I doubt very highly he ever had any intention of taking vows to you, ever.

Sorry you are dealing with this. In your shoes I'd make him insignificant by blocking him from contacting you ever again

[sandylee1]

It's a good job you don't have kids with him. I agree that he stole years from you by presenting a false man and deceiving you.

 

It's akin to fraud...because you wouldn't have been with him..if he revealed his true self.

[BetrayedH]

That other woman - she won, right?

 

What a prize she got, huh?

 

Here’s the secret: He is not the prize. You are.

[merrmeade]

Maybe this will help:

 

You "lost" half your life almost, right? Just think about not knowing for more years than that. 30? 40? And THEN finding that most of your life was a lie.

 

It can and did happen. To me.

 

So, like you, I will never be duped again. I understand everything that I missed now and realize what a sad, broken person he is. In my case, he will never mess around with anyone again, so that's not a concern. And I am much wiser and knowledgeable about the human condition, I guess you could say, but I do not have time to start over. You do.

 

So come back to your own life nlw. You are at that same crossroads, having gained beyond 20x20 vision, you can see far into the future and past Nothing and no one can fool you now. You have wisdom, strength and stature from what you've learned. You have all these new dimensions you've gained - AND another 40-50 years for it to enrich and guide rest of your life, which will be longer and better for it.

[Elfess]

Maybe this will help:

 

You "lost" half your life almost, right? Just think about not knowing for more years than that. 30? 40? And THEN finding that most of your life was a lie.

 

It can and did happen. To me.

 

So, like you, I will never be duped again. I understand everything that I missed now and realize what a sad, broken person he is. In my case, he will never mess around with anyone again, so that's not a concern. And I am much wiser and knowledgeable about the human condition, I guess you could say, but I do not have time to start over. You do.

 

So come back to your own life nlw. You are at that same crossroads, having gained beyond 20x20 vision, you can see far into the future and past Nothing and no one can fool you now. You have wisdom, strength and stature from what you've learned. You have all these new dimensions you've gained - AND another 40-50 years for it to enrich and guide rest of your life, which will be longer and better for it.

 

Yes, you are absolutely right. Thank you, that helped ease some of the pain. Thanks y'all, I needed these words of comfort from those who have been through the same. Thank you!

[Elfess]

OK but maybe she knew or suspected all along and she is now a whole lot happier to have you out of the picture and him all to herself...

 

That is exactly what I am wondering. Knowing what I know now it is just a matter of time before that sack of (you know what) hits the fan. Still.... But yes, I think you may be right.

[Ana-Iva]

"I am devastated. 15 years of my life gone because of this sociopath."

 

Remember this: once the door closes, the other one will open. This is a new beginning for you even though you still don't feel it, and it might take a bit of time.

 

It is not easy, as you say, it is devastating. But as someone who had relationships with both sociopath and a narcissist, I can tell you that the sooner you close the door and stop digging through his life and focus on yourself, the better off you are. One day it just happened that I learned to pity my sociopath ex because everything truly beautiful in life was not available to him, love was one of those things. Also, I learned to forgive him. What the hell can a sociopath do with the brain structure that he is born with? Nothing. That is how he is born and cannot do a thing about it. He is a mental case who cannot feel real connections with people and has to fake relationships. He might be narcissist as it is close to sociopath. Look it up.

 

Next time, open your eyes, I am sure there were many clues along the way as to who he was. Next time, look for a guy that will first be your friend, don't jump in bed with him right away or even in the first few month, but work on developing a bond and finding out who he is. Don't be always available but don't be difficult to please either. It is an incredible magnet for men when you don't just give it all right away, because it shows some self respect and shows that you are stable person who knows what she wants.

 

Once the shock wears off, and the pain wears out, you might feel angry, and then finally indifferent. It is wonderful feeling.

I remember the feeling of an incredible lightness after I broke off those relationships. No more thinking what was in his head, how to make things better between us, has he been lying to me again, none of that... all gone. It was absorbing me. I had my life back and was happier than ever.

 

33 is great age to find out more about yourself and other people and to meet someone worth having a family with.

[merrmeade]

Ana's is an insightful analysis of the past and guideline for future relationships, Elfess. You've gotten some good advice and have every reason to look forward to a better future. I wish my mother had prepared me for meeting and falling for a sociopath this way. Either way, stuck with a narcissist or completely free, you have to live your life with self-respect and the knowledge and ability to avoid what and who will be bad for you.