Exhausted. Lost and about to pack my things and go

[Violet Rose]

I’m not sure at what point people left their marriages. I constantly talk myself out of seperating/divorcing my husband. We only married this year but have been together for 12 years. I waited and waited for him to propose and eventually I proposed. We have always had horrible fights, but since having a child it’s worsened. I don’t know if I’m just protective of my child and don’t want us arguing in front of him, or whether it’s the stress of raising a child. It’s gettig to a point where my husband doesn’t care what he says to me. He calls me names. Everything you could possible imagine basically. Even though that’s bad enough, he never apologises. In fact, he has very rarely apologises after any arguments we have. I never ask him to apologise for being wrong, I just wish he’d apologise for his actions at least. Never happens. Maybe a better way to put it is that he shows no remorse for treating me so badly. He always threatens to leave. Blames me for his drinking and illnesses ( which is probably from his drinking anyway!). We aren’t sexually active anymore, we sleep in seperate beds. He expects me to cook clean the house and work full time whilst I get treated the way I do. I just don’t think I can handle the mind games anymore but I feel so stuck in the relationship. It’s getting to a point where I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t have friends anymore. I’m depressed and miserable. I am beginning to believe that I am all these things he calls me. I just don’t know what to do.

Edited December 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[PegNosePete]

We have always had horrible fights

Goodness, why would you stay with someone for 12 years if you have horrible fights? Why would you marry such a man? Why would you choose him to father your children?

 

It sounds like your marriage is well and truly over already. If I were you I'd see a lawyer, divorce him immediately and file for full custody.

[Be_Strong]

In the typical “should I divorce” thread, the OP gives the pros and cons of their marriage and seeks advice about whether to stay or go. It’s very telling that you haven’t identified a single positive thing about your marriage or your husband. Not one.

 

Your post makes it so obviously clear that you need to divorce that I’m sure you already knew that. You know you need to divorce your husband—now you just need to summon the courage to actually do it.

[Mrin]

Are you familiar with the sunk cost fallacy? Look it up if you're not.

[scatteredmusician]

First, your husband sounds like an alcoholic and that doesn’t ever just go away by itself – he would have to want to change and it sounds like that is not the case. Second, he is an abuser and that has some deep ramifications. I wonder why you wanted to marry him in the first place? If he did not treasure you enough to ask you, then it seems to me you settled for whatever he was willing to give you. And the way he is with you, no wonder you are exhausted! I am sorry you are in this situation and think you need to see a counselor to help you to begin to value who you are, and to give you some perspective on the whole thing. I think you will find that you are a good and capable person who has married someone who has huge problems and has taken advantage of you. Once you begin to see your own value, you won’t want to stay where you are. Best wishes. I have prayed for you.

[2.50 a gallon]

Run Violet, Run!

For you and your childs sake

[sandylee1]

This marriage isn't worth saving. He's abusive and the longer you stay...the more damaged you'll end3up.

[Xamer]

Do yourself a favour and leave. Sounds abusive and verbal abuse is the hardest to recover from. Some days you think your crazy for thinking it's even abuse becaue he might tell you different. If you have support use it if not use the strength you get when looking at your child. It will tear that child apart seeing this day after day. Keep your head up find a place and take it one day at a time.

[BaileyB]

Best wishes with the divorce. You are doing the right thing to leave.

[ByMyself01]

I don't mean to be rude OP but your first mistake was proposing to him. I understand as women we don't want to throw away our relationships so suddenly but you should have discussed marriage and everything with him in the very beginning. When he refused to propose you should have had a 2nd talk. Either way, you shouldn't have proposed to him. I believe women devalue themselves by doing that. He probably thinks the same way and treating you bad because of it. You don't deserve it of course, I know why you did it but most men and society still look at you different. Sounds like he resents you because you rushed him into a life he wasn't ready to have. He did it in fear of losing you but now he doesn't care too much seems like it. I almost made this mistake as well except mines ended in a minor breakup. He kept saying he wasn't ready but I wanted a child so badly he went along with my wishes but the resentment crept in and possibly destroyed our relationship. So take a person's lack of actions and listen when they say they're not ready. They probably aren't.

[stillafool]

I don't mean to be rude OP but your first mistake was proposing to him. I understand as women we don't want to throw away our relationships so suddenly but you should have discussed marriage and everything with him in the very beginning. When he refused to propose you should have had a 2nd talk. Either way, you shouldn't have proposed to him. I believe women devalue themselves by doing that. He probably thinks the same way and treating you bad because of it. You don't deserve it of course, I know why you did it but most men and society still look at you different. Sounds like he resents you because you rushed him into a life he wasn't ready to have. He did it in fear of losing you but now he doesn't care too much seems like it. I almost made this mistake as well except mines ended in a minor breakup. He kept saying he wasn't ready but I wanted a child so badly he went along with my wishes but the resentment crept in and possibly destroyed our relationship. So take a person's lack of actions and listen when they say they're not ready. They probably aren't.

 

My friend was just complaining the other day about how bad her marriage is and she contributes it to her asking her husband to marry her rather than the other way around. She feels devalued.