How do married men live with the fear?

[TintedChrome]

I'm talking about the fear of getting into trouble with their wives. Like, how do you adapt to the fear that every now and then, you'll do the wrong thing, or not do the right thing, and get into trouble for it? It could be anything. Loading the dishwasher wrong......spending too much on groceries......being late for some appointment.......whatever.

 

Then comes the criticism, the temper tantrum, the silent treatment. Sure you sometimes make mistakes but most of the time you do a good job of taking care of the house, the cars, do the ironing, and so on. Most of the time she's friendly and affectionate and cooks well and is supportive but the anger is a little too much sometimes. When it happens, my response is to clam up/turtle up and avoid contact with her, even to disappear for a day or two.

 

My therapist says this is a habit I developed in childhood when my parents argued. My mom was also very critical towards me.

[BaileyB]

I would like to think that my partner doesn't live in fear of me. I would like to think that he's not anxiously awaiting my criticism, a temper tantrum, and the silent treatment. I can honestly say that I have never thrown a "temper tantrum" in front of my partner. I try very hard to be respectful and not criticize the work he has done. And, I expect the same in return...

 

Does your wife do this to you? I can understand why is would be hurtful, I would not want to live with someone who has an opinion on everything and tells me that I am "wrong" all the time... But, I wonder if you are extraordinarily sensitive to criticism and perhaps, you need to work on learning how to address this insecurity and be more assertive (in a respectful way) with your partner.

Edited November 29, 2017 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

I would expect that a man would marry somebody who would talk to him like an adult not throw a hissy fit like a small child over the slightest thing.

 

When I grumble about some petty thing, like how he loads the dishwasher my husband just rolls his eyes & ignores me.

[BaileyB]

I would expect that a man would marry somebody who would talk to him like an adult not throw a hissy fit like a small child over the slightest thing.

 

When I grumble about some petty thing, like how he loads the dishwasher my husband just rolls his eyes & ignores me.

 

When my partner complains to me about something... The other day he told me I was cutting the carrots too thick (and he was right, because they took forever too cook, but that's beside the point... ), I reminded him that there was more than one way to do something and his way was not necessarily the right way... A gentle reminder, he chose to give me a kiss and went to watch tv while I finished cutting the carrots...

[BMI03]

I can appreciate where you are coming from. My wife is wonderful 95% of the time. But she has anxiety and depression, usually well in check, but at particularly stressful times of the year, I can see that stress come out in ways it doesn’t typically. A sarcastic remark meant to make a point. Or a criticism out of no where that may even counter earlier conversation. Basically, looking for a fight, or looking to start something.

 

I have had some real conversations with her about this (during the 95% good time) and pointed out to her that she doesn’t do a great job of managing stress and frustration. I’ve told her that I don’t mind her getting angry at things, but if she’s going to start firing off shots about something, make sure she’s not pointing the gun at the wrong target, because when she’s mad about anything, her aunt, her job, the weather, it seems like she swings the barrel of that gun around at me because I’m an easy and available target. It resonated with her. She sees it. And while it hasn’t stopped the situations from occurring, it means when it happens, she knows that I’m going to tell her to think hard about what she is REALLY upset about, that I will then disengage, without showing frustration myself, remove myself from the hostile situation, and go do something else without her. Then, she cools down, and it always ends in an apology and explanation that she didn’t realize she was upset about something else. Sometimes nothing involving me at all, but I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes, a more burning issue that does involve me, but which she didn’t realize she was really upset about until I told her to think about it. And then we talk it out.

 

Either way, the key for me is to help her recognize it’s HER issue to manage and her expectations to communicate. If she wants to just take cheap shots at me, she can do it to an empty room. No arguing back, no shouting match. Just leave with a mind of understanding.

 

In your case, it doesn’t sound like outright anger, but I would say the relevant let’s of my story are to try and find out what is motivating the criticism. Is there really a specific way she wants certain things done? Why does she need them done that way? Why is loading the dishwasher a particular way so very important to her? Ask her to sit down and have a conversation with you about that and tell her that you really and honestly (the questions can be taken as sarcasm unintentially so humility is important) want to understand why she needs it done a certain way and why that is so important to her that it makes her so upset when you do otherwise. Disconnect yourself as the cause of her critique and frustration and look at it like it is her issue because it’s her mental response. Why does it make her feel that way? You may be enlightened to what you find out. Maybe there is a specific reason. Maybe she thinks youbdont listen to her overall and this is just an example of her feeling unheard. Maybe she grew up hearing that dishwashers clog if done otherwise and you can educate her that your way is ok. Maybe it’s an opportunity to share how her criticism makes you feel, and that you don’t want to retract from her so how can you work it out together. You’d be surprised.

 

Let us know how things go.

Edited November 29, 2017 by BMI03

[central]

I don't live in fear. The occasional irrational blowup is not a problem, but I'll stand up for myself or just ignore her until she eventually apologizes. Most likely, she makes mistakes too, as no one is perfect. Point hers out to her, if necessary. Let the blowups happen, and then insist the overall problem is discussed calmly, because this is not sustainable behavior if the relationship is to last.

 

 

However, if this is a constant problem for even minor variances from her unrealistic expectations, I'd ditch the *itch. Who needs verbal/emotional abuse?

 

 

Seriously, though, you may have deeper issues. If she is constantly finding fault with you, then there are several possibilities: she resents you for some other reason; she's fallen out of love with you and resents herself for staying; she's having an affair, and finding fault with you to justify leaving you; she has unresolved anger issues; she's mentally ill; or she's just an a##hole. Most of these can't be fixed, of course, but some can be improved, sometimes.

[elaine567]

When it happens, my response is to clam up/turtle up and avoid contact with her, even to disappear for a day or two.

 

Whilst it is not OK for her to be over critical, it is equally not right for you to dole out the silent treatment and disappear for a few days...

Do you tell her where you are going or is she left pulling her hair out wondering if you are safe or seeing some other woman..

[notbroken]

I refuse to 'live in fear'. Tell your wife you aren't going to tolerate walking on eggshells and you occasionally do make mistakes because you are human. Then live. If she blows up then remind her she is blowing up over minor details and you are trying but not perfect. Then go on about your business smiling. She will eventually get the message. If she doesn't, it is her problem and you should act accordingly.

 

Living in fear is not the path to happiness. Running away and not communicating sure isn't either.

[GunslingerRoland]

Wow, that doesn't sound like a fun marriage, I couldn't imagine being in fear of being in trouble all of the time for some little thing...

 

I really can't relate.

[Els]

Why would you even be in a relationship with that person in the first place??? Most marriages/LTRs I know aren't like that.

[carhill]

TBH, never experienced that in my M. Far from perfect but my exW was never a emotional assailant or tantrum person. Sometimes I wondered if she even cared

[somanymistakes]

We're not you, so we can't see what's going on.

 

It's possible that your childhood has left you overly sensitive to any negative emotions, so you panic and turtle up whenever any minor disagreement happens, because you can't handle people being angry even a little bit.

 

It's also possible that your wife has emotional issues and explosive outbursts.

 

Neither of these is something that happens in every marriage, so it's not really a question of "how do married men deal with the fear", many marriages will not look like yours does.

 

You complain that she gives you the silent treatment, but you admit that YOU clam up and even disappear for days when you're upset. She might find this just as distressing.

 

How does she feel about the relationship? How do you feel about the relationship? Have you worked on any sort of improved communication strategies together? Visited a couples counselor?

[GorillaTheater]

I'm talking about the fear of getting into trouble with their wives. Like, how do you adapt to the fear that every now and then, you'll do the wrong thing, or not do the right thing, and get into trouble for it? It could be anything. Loading the dishwasher wrong......spending too much on groceries......being late for some appointment.......whatever.

 

Then comes the criticism, the temper tantrum, the silent treatment. Sure you sometimes make mistakes but most of the time you do a good job of taking care of the house, the cars, do the ironing, and so on. Most of the time she's friendly and affectionate and cooks well and is supportive but the anger is a little too much sometimes. When it happens, my response is to clam up/turtle up and avoid contact with her, even to disappear for a day or two.

 

My therapist says this is a habit I developed in childhood when my parents argued. My mom was also very critical towards me.

 

 

Yeah, that Family of Origin stuff can leave a mark. I get it, this irrational fear of getting into trouble when you were raised with a parent who punished utterly at random and you never knew when the hammer was going to fall. You kind of get into the habit of walking on eggshells that's hard to shake. But the important take-away is that this is about you, not your wife.

 

 

So lose the fear. Now, it's not necessarily easy and it's more of a process than an event, but it starts to happen when you visualize the worst possible outcome and understanding that you can handle it, whatever it may be.

 

 

Learn to handle situations differently. I recommend humor. Maybe a smack on the butt. But be judicious: if you've genuinely screwed up (and how you load the dishwasher doesn't count), own it and apologize. Otherwise, it's their problem and not yours.

[Woggle]

I am married to a woman that doesn't do that so I would not know.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Having gone through similar experience here. My W would nag and throw petty arguments my way. Along with past experiences, like 15 years past! You end up simping out and trying everything to make her happy. But the truth is, only SHE can make herself happy. I did the passive aggressive thing to start. She would complain about dishes, I'd leave them everywhere. lol She would complain about her car not being clean, I'd stop maintaining it. After a week, she would really get mad and ask WTF??? I'd say, I can't do it right anyway and I am not going to try anymore. "By the way, I'm going hunting with the guys..."

Then after a cool down period, she would come back sheepishly and admit it was her fault. I would start to do the work again, in peace. But it came with some reality from my point as well...

I found out before the passive treatment began, I would argue loudly and start calling names. This began the circle of negativity. I had to cut that behavior out fast. I am still working on this, as I am trying to eliminate name calling and negative responses in everyday conversation. It makes it easier in all of my life. Also, by using de-escalation techniques and effective listening, our relationship as a whole is getting better.

[Woggle]

If you have a wife like this stop trying to be please her. You will never succeed anyway.

[basil67]

First, a question: do you realise that your marriage is unhealthy?

 

Playing armchair psych here, I would imagine that your parents role modeled this toxic behaviour to you. Because your parents stayed together, you grew up thinking this is normal and so have repeated the cycle. It's quite possible she also grew up modelling dysfunctional parents.

 

But neither her anger or your hiding is normal or acceptable.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, the way I see it is it is best to let the person losing their cool just ventilate while the person at the receiving end quietly listens to him or her and, like a water on duck's back situation, turn one's mind off and think of England. A one sided conversation just peters out very fast because it loses steam. One needs the other person to respond with something in their defence so that one can pounce on that tid bit of information to continue one's rant. If there is no response then the steam quickly subsides as there is no fuel to keep it up to pressure. More often than not, it is not the particular incident which sparked the outburst but something else in the mind of the protagonist which finds an outlet because of the excuse provided. It has worked for me and I would think it would work for others.

 

If, on the other hand, it is I who have lost my temper(very rare) then after the initial explosion I just walk away so as to avoid escalation of the matter. Sometimes I realize I may have been wrong so I beat a hasty retreat. It has worked for us all these years but then we do not usually argue or have very many points of contention. Sometimes I do things like buying something for the house, knowing that if I were to ask my wife in advance, she would disagree. However, I think that the item is a useful requirement and that, over time, my wife would find it so. When the item arrives at home there is the usual complaining and harmless accusations of having wasted money and I face those stoically till the angst subsides. Afterwards, my wife finds that the item is actually filling a need in the home and she cheerfully resorts to making full use of it. All the angst and irritation is forgotten by then. So I guess there are different ways of handling such situations. Warm wishes.

[Thegameoflife]

My wife is a grade 1 teacher. When they play games in class, she tells all the students that if they're not willing to lose, not to play the game. She is warning them that if anyone is a sore loser at the end of the game, nobody is going to feel sympathy for them.

 

This applies to relationships as well. See, if you are married, and accept that divorce is a possibility, then it can't be used against you.

 

To answer your question: I don't fear my wife. I don't fear her because I am willing to accept divorce, and leave her, if the conditions of marriage become unreasonable. My wife knows this, so every time she decides to make a big deal about something, she has to decide if it's reasonable? Of course, I will tell her if I feel it isn't, and it becomes her choice of whether my rejection of something is reasonable. The end result, is compromise, and respect for the final outcome and each other. It works the same with roles reversed.

 

See, I empathize with your situation, but I don't have sympathy for you. There is a saying, "We teach others how to treat us." When you don't stand up to her abuse, it's your own fault it continues. If you need a referee to help, hire one. If you can't approach the problem at all, you should file for divorce. Living in fear, is not living at all.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Honestly, anyone living in 'fear' of their partner should really examine why they're still with them.

 

We already know couples argue and disagree and sometimes those feelings can become exasperated where yelling happens BUT to live in a constant state of fear of how your partner may react to something is NOT healthy and quite frankly, sounds like a nightmare.

 

I'm not taking anything away from the fact that one's past plays a part in why we choose our partners and particularly how we deal with situations in our relationships but at some point, especially if you have an awareness regarding your past, you should be working towards combating those issues and taking steps so you don't become a hostage in your own life.

[Woggle]

Men really need to learn that giving up their self respect will not make women like them. Having pride and a backbone does not make a man a misogynist and if a woman thinks so you are better off without her. You are not obligated to be a doormat for anybody.

[Trail Blazer]

I would expect that a man would marry somebody who would talk to him like an adult not throw a hissy fit like a small child over the slightest thing.

 

When I grumble about some petty thing, like how he loads the dishwasher my husband just rolls his eyes & ignores me.

 

It's funny that loading the dishwasher is one of the examples bought up. I apparently load the dishwasher wrong all the time. I also, apparently, do a lot of things wrong. When my wife constantly picked on how I did it, I told her that she should stack it and I'll unstack it. She just demanded I "do it right and there will be no problems."

 

To the OP: I have come close to leaving due to this reason. But like another poster said, it's hard to know whether I am just sensitive/defensive, or she's just overly critical. It gets tiring almost waiting to be told off for something that I think is trivial. My wife thinks all these 'trivial' mistakes are symptomatic of my lack of success in life - lacking attention to detail and an attitude of excellence.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Trailblazer, after reading your last post, especially the last paragraph, it struck me that your best revenge against your wife's attitude is to take up her challenge and break out of this logjam that you find yourself in. Actually, after having read through your thread I sometimes think that your wife may have been the best thing that could have happened to you. In a way she is an inspiration to you to lift yourself up from mediocrity to the rare heights of the stratosphere and achieve what you never imagined you could achieve. I must give her credit that inspite of having had a hard life as a woman, a wife and a mother, she still has the spirit and determination and also the ambition to try something completely new, that is joining the police force which, to my mind is a formidable goal for someone at her age and stage in life. You are much younger than her and, if you put your mind to it, can achieve much greater heights than you have ever thought possible.

 

Rather than being a defeatist, take the gauntlet and push yourself to the extremes to achieve your goals in life. I just saw a short video clip on the life progression of Jackie Chan. It is remarkable how he went from where he was to where he is now. As a young man I would say the World is your oyster. Just get yourself out of your comfort zone and launch yourself into anything you really want to do. Stop making excuses. We limit ourselves by our own thinking. Sadly, this is a lesson I learnt a little too late in life. I think your wife is a very good woman and she has carried a lot on her shoulders for a long time. If your marriage breaks up it will be your loss not hers. Sorry if I came across as as preachy but I just see a lot of potential in you that you are not capitalizing on. Wish you the best and sorry for the threadjack.

[Trail Blazer]

Honestly, anyone living in 'fear' of their partner should really examine why they're still with them.

 

We already know couples argue and disagree and sometimes those feelings can become exasperated where yelling happens BUT to live in a constant state of fear of how your partner may react to something is NOT healthy and quite frankly, sounds like a nightmare.

 

I'm not taking anything away from the fact that one's past plays a part in why we choose our partners and particularly how we deal with situations in our relationships but at some point, especially if you have an awareness regarding your past, you should be working towards combating those issues and taking steps so you don't become a hostage in your own life.

 

It's not as easy as packing up and leaving at the first instance of something being unpleasant. I have kids, so to up and leave is a HUGE decision and not one I would take lightly.

 

I do live in fear somewhat; I have a wife who has an I.Q. of 138 (tested when she was back at High School (so it might be different now). I always feel like I have to be on my toes or she'll pick up on anything and everything I do wrong.

 

What am I to do though? Is that my insecurity or is she unnecessarily fastidious? I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. It's just differences of people and like all differences they must be overcome.

[dichotomy]

Like, how do you adapt to the fear that every now and then, you'll do the wrong thing, or not do the right thing, and get into trouble for it?

.

 

 

Every now and then - I might do the "wrong" thing.

 

I man up, say I made a mistake, say I am sorry. I am not a bad person, but might every now and then do something bad/regrettable.

 

Also I allow a bit of venting (trouble) from the other person but will stop any unreasonable/extended abuse back at me.

 

My view is that we as a society have lost the ability to admit our mistakes and be reasonably accountable - AND - on the other side to extend forgiveness, accept we are all flawed, and move forward.

 

 

 

P.S.

 

On a personal note - at some point you may need to "roar back "if she is on a temper tantrum or abusive. Bullies often need a shock and awe response to know where the line is. Not to be sexist but if your a shy submissive type - it may be good for you to show the alpha lion every now and then.

Edited December 1, 2017 by dichotomy