How do married men live with the fear?

[jjgitties]

I would expect that a man would marry somebody who would talk to him like an adult not throw a hissy fit like a small child over the slightest thing.

 

Expectations are one thing.. reality is another

[JellyTot]

Your wife sounds unbearable. Everyone argues sometimes but it generally blows over in a couple of hours. My husband and I yell at each other then make up, but we don't live in fear of arguing. Quite often the argument has more to do with one person feeling generally upset and stressed so they snap at the littlest thing, and what they really need is some love and support. I'd hate to be walking on eggshells all the time if your wife is genuinely that huffy.

[RedBaron2765]

 

On a personal note - at some point you may need to "roar back "if she is on a temper tantrum or abusive. Bullies often need a shock and awe response to know where the line is. Not to be sexist but if your a shy submissive type - it may be good for you to show the alpha lion every now and then.

 

This is sage advice. When my kids were toddling around (say around a year old and for a period of around a year or a little more) my wife was always bitching about something. Wasn't driving the car to her standards, wasn't feeding the kids correctly, dishwasher wasn't loaded correctly, didn't change the diapers correctly, didn't put the correct clothes on the kids, on and on and on. I'd get home and get a blast from her blaming me for everything under the sun - she'd get mad at me for things I had nothing to do with. Back then, I just took it and tried to do everything right - bad idea as that will never work, and makes things worse.

 

Finally decided to "roar back" some - funny how that works. Did that a couple of times, and that improved her attitude. If I had done that back when she started getting this way, it may have saved me a ton of headaches.

[RecentChange]

Gosh, I would hate myself if my husband lived in fear of me. What a horrendous thing to do to someone you love.

 

Honestly, in my relationship, I try my hardest to treat my husband with RESPECT. He is not a child, nor should be be spoken to our treated like one. He is a grown man and should be treated as such. Which means I do not talk down to him, and I do not nag him.

 

I also think its important pick your battles -like dishwasher loading. Does that REALLY matter? Is that worth arguing over? Is that something worthy of making the love of your life feel bad about?

 

Does he leave his dirty clothes right next to the hamper and not in it? Yep. Do I think its worth making a stink about? NOPE. I may say something in a joking manner - "boy you are a bad shot - didn't make it to the hamper - poke". Of if its something that bothers me more, I will bring it up in a constructive way.

 

There should be no belittling, temper tantrums, yelling, and "punishment" in a romantic relationship between adults.

 

 

It's not as easy as packing up and leaving at the first instance of something being unpleasant. I have kids, so to up and leave is a HUGE decision and not one I would take lightly.

 

I do live in fear somewhat; I have a wife who has an I.Q. of 138 (tested when she was back at High School (so it might be different now). I always feel like I have to be on my toes or she'll pick up on anything and everything I do wrong.

 

What am I to do though? Is that my insecurity or is she unnecessarily fastidious? I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. It's just differences of people and like all differences they must be overcome.

 

Hog wash. Having a high IQ doesn't mean that she doesn't have to treat you with respect. I rarely try to toot my own horn on this, but I have been tested by professionals and mine is 134. Doesn't mean I have a license to treat my husband rudely or disrespect him.

 

I agree - kids complicate things. Make it very hard to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Perhaps you two can learn how to communicate better, and she can learn to respect you.

[Trail Blazer]

Hi Trailblazer, after reading your last post, especially the last paragraph, it struck me that your best revenge against your wife's attitude is to take up her challenge and break out of this logjam that you find yourself in. Actually, after having read through your thread I sometimes think that your wife may have been the best thing that could have happened to you. In a way she is an inspiration to you to lift yourself up from mediocrity to the rare heights of the stratosphere and achieve what you never imagined you could achieve. I must give her credit that inspite of having had a hard life as a woman, a wife and a mother, she still has the spirit and determination and also the ambition to try something completely new, that is joining the police force which, to my mind is a formidable goal for someone at her age and stage in life. You are much younger than her and, if you put your mind to it, can achieve much greater heights than you have ever thought possible.

 

Rather than being a defeatist, take the gauntlet and push yourself to the extremes to achieve your goals in life. I just saw a short video clip on the life progression of Jackie Chan. It is remarkable how he went from where he was to where he is now. As a young man I would say the World is your oyster. Just get yourself out of your comfort zone and launch yourself into anything you really want to do. Stop making excuses. We limit ourselves by our own thinking. Sadly, this is a lesson I learnt a little too late in life. I think your wife is a very good woman and she has carried a lot on her shoulders for a long time. If your marriage breaks up it will be your loss not hers. Sorry if I came across as as preachy but I just see a lot of potential in you that you are not capitalizing on. Wish you the best and sorry for the threadjack.

Hello friend.

 

All of these things you say are true. I'm a better person for being with my wife. Better as in having achieved more in life because i have learned and understood the value of hard work and just how much of it you need to get anywhere in life. I've learned some tough lessons in life very quickly.

 

On the flipside, I live a life fiiled with stress. The stress of issues resulting from my inability to keep up with my wife. She lives.with the stress of a life of failures as she moved at a pace which she overestimated my ability to keep up with. If I find a way to keep up this sort of pace, will I be then happy for reaching it, or exhausted and unhappy for the stress of stretching so far?

 

I guess only time will tell.

[Trail Blazer]

Gosh, I would hate myself if my husband lived in fear of me. What a horrendous thing to do to someone you love.

 

Honestly, in my relationship, I try my hardest to treat my husband with RESPECT. He is not a child, nor should be be spoken to our treated like one. He is a grown man and should be treated as such. Which means I do not talk down to him, and I do not nag him.

 

I also think its important pick your battles -like dishwasher loading. Does that REALLY matter? Is that worth arguing over? Is that something worthy of making the love of your life feel bad about?

 

Does he leave his dirty clothes right next to the hamper and not in it? Yep. Do I think its worth making a stink about? NOPE. I may say something in a joking manner - "boy you are a bad shot - didn't make it to the hamper - poke". Of if its something that bothers me more, I will bring it up in a constructive way.

 

There should be no belittling, temper tantrums, yelling, and "punishment" in a romantic relationship between adults.

 

 

 

 

Hog wash. Having a high IQ doesn't mean that she doesn't have to treat you with respect. I rarely try to toot my own horn on this, but I have been tested by professionals and mine is 134. Doesn't mean I have a license to treat my husband rudely or disrespect him.

 

I agree - kids complicate things. Make it very hard to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Perhaps you two can learn how to communicate better, and she can learn to respect you.

Of course. I never meant to imply someone of her intelligence would or should not treat myself or someone with respect. But you know, if you asked my wife the very definition of what "respect" is, she'll tell you that it's a virtue that's earned and not something automatically bestowed upon everyone. As harsh as it sounds, she never says it in a context that she believes lacking respect (or in other words someone's inability to "prove themselves as respect-worthy) for someone gives her or anyone to be rude or mean to someone. I hope that makes sense and I've explained it right.

 

In the case of my wife, she has high expectations and struggles to handle people who don't keep up or who hold her back. For the most part she's patient, especially so with kids as her expectations are somewhat tempered. For adults though, she struggles to buy into or offer up excuses for other people's frailties. When she does accept their frailties, It's then when she says she doesn't respect them. For me, she says having high expectations on me is a sign that she respects and treats me as an adult. She says: "if you want me to treat you like a kid just say so and I won't expect much from you."

[usa1ah]

I'm talking about the fear of getting into trouble with their wives. Like, how do you adapt to the fear that every now and then, you'll do the wrong thing, or not do the right thing, and get into trouble for it? It could be anything. Loading the dishwasher wrong......spending too much on groceries......being late for some appointment.......whatever.

 

Then comes the criticism, the temper tantrum, the silent treatment. Sure you sometimes make mistakes but most of the time you do a good job of taking care of the house, the cars, do the ironing, and so on. Most of the time she's friendly and affectionate and cooks well and is supportive but the anger is a little too much sometimes. When it happens, my response is to clam up/turtle up and avoid contact with her, even to disappear for a day or two.

 

My therapist says this is a habit I developed in childhood when my parents argued. My mom was also very critical towards me.

 

You need to find a new therapist.

 

There are several guys I have seen on these forums that don’t have a clue on what it means to be a man. It has everything to do with how you have been brought up.

 

I was brought up with a healthy respect for girls but allowed to take the knocks and bruises of being a boy with a bloody nose or two along the way.

 

Women are looking for men but mamas have made wusses out of there boys.