Hard time deciding to divorce unstable wife

[BluesPower]

Listen for a second...

 

I would like for you to understand a few things, and I don't know if it will help you or not.

 

When you, at your core, truly love a woman, deeply love a woman, you can loose yourself in many ways.

 

We don't really see reality, we can never see what is actually going on. But there comes a time when we actually need to understand, for your own benefit. There comes a time when you have to realize that what is going on, and that there is no way for you to fix it.

 

You must be more codependent than I ever was because it took me a few months to understand how silly it was for me to put everyone's needs, particularly my STBXW's, before mine.

 

Once I got it, wow what a change in life. For once in my life I was able to let her and others have their issues, and I could have mine.

 

Understand, that I spent 26 years, 1/2 half of my life, taking care of someone and loving someone that never ever loved me.

 

Please don't allow yourself to waste anymore of your time loving or caring for someone, that does not feel the same way or that treats you poorly.

 

If you could look down the road a year into the future, you would not believe how much better you will feel if you just stop worrying about everyone else and understand that you matter too.

 

You are just as important as anyone else and you deserve to be happy, which if you are anything like I was.... You don't really understand what being happy is all about...

[jjgitties]

.

We've been together for 27 years. Much of that time was fine, sometimes very enjoyable, warm, and easy-going. Other times, and for me I now realize, too much of the time, it was not. I allowed it and it became a habit between us.

 

You have known her for a very long time. almost 30 years. Was she always strong willed and head strong, even 30 years ago? If so, and you are the opposite, then that's what you liked about her and that's why you married her. She isn't going to change in her 60s if she's been like that all her life.

[Popsicle]

You are just as important as anyone else and you deserve to be happy, which if you are anything like I was.... You don't really understand what being happy is all about...

 

Yes, you just nailed it. It makes me sad to see people stuck like this.

[Soundman]

I'm really appreciating everyone's input. I'm going to keep writing when I can to help me progress.

 

Yes, she has always been like this, even when we met. And yes, I do believe this is something I was attracted to from the start. I am attracted to people I believe to be "strong," whether simply in personality or true self confidence. I have also come to believe this is due to my own dis-owned personal strength, and therefore I project that on others, hence my attraction to strength in others. I also realize that not all seemingly strong people are internally strong and healthy, and unfortunately my wife falls to some extent into this category. But she's a complicated woman, and has some very positive self confident strengths too that I admire. And she has a strong energy as a personality - I believe she was born that way, neither good or bad - and there is nothing I can do to change that, nor do I want to really, even though I wish she was more gentle sometimes.

 

I'm trying to learn how to own my own inner strong. I've been working on that for the past couple of years, but much more so since leaving the house several months ago. I view that as an act of self love. Creating boundaries and sticking to them is another way to take care of myself. This is new stuff for me and it's been really hard to do that, sometimes I've been successful, sometimes not. I do get frustrated sometimes with how slow the progress is moving for me. I appear to be dealing with a heavy handed inner critic also.

 

I'm so close to pulling the trigger on this. For whatever reason I'm just not yet ready. Maybe it's just all fear that is getting the best of me. I don't know. I have to trust that if and when the time comes, I will know and will find the strength to do it.

 

I do know I won't go back to the way it was. Of that I'm confident. I guess I'm still not convinced that a combination of me getting stronger and less codependent, and her owning at least some of her destructive behaviors and working on her making some changes regarding those, that we might be able to still work things out.

 

Although the pull is still there to caretake her feelings, I have not been doing that for some months now. Unfortunately, it has had little effect on how she is behaving other than to escalate in an effort to get her needs met.

 

Life for me was not miserable when we lived together for the past 27 years. This is part of what has made this whole process so difficult for me.

I miss the positive sides of what we had together tremendously. However, I have not been satisfied and will no longer settle for what has been happening between us. I'm getting into the last chapter of my life. I do not want to die accepting a less than satisfactory marriage.

 

Thanks again folks. It's heartening to know people care and I'm grateful I found this forum for added support moving forward on my path.

[dangerous]

Soundman, your story is mine. 27 years too.

Please look up my profile and read my original threads about my wife.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/340242-my-wife-will-devastated-when-i-leave

 

I eventually left (after years of deliberation) and she is still EXACTLY the same as she was, after 4 years of separation!

I fear these people just cannot change, even though we wish it.

Edited December 13, 2017 by dangerous

[Soundman]

Finally had our financial meeting and she walked out after 10 minutes. After me asking politely enough whether she might be able to find ways to cut back some of her spending and suggesting we might have to sell the house to pay off the enormous debt that has accumulated, she left.

 

I guess that was all I needed to hear after everything. I realized once and for all we weren't getting anywhere, and we weren't going to make any progress anytime soon. Time for me to move on.

 

I met with an attorney for the second time, put down a deposit, filled out all my paperwork, signed them yesterday, today it was filed and a process server has been hired.

 

After that meeting she called several times, left numerous messages, none of which I've listened to. She even showed up at my office. I had my door locked, didn't let her in, and had to get building maintenance to escort her out,threatening to call the police on her.

 

After that I blocked her calls. It's been 10 days since we've spoken and I don't want to speak to her right now.

 

Got a call from the attorney's office that they are ready to serve her, but with no job, no regular schedule, and living on 6 acres behind a locked gate not close to the house, they are suggesting I give the process server permission to enter the property. I told them I'd sleep on it and get back to them. I've got some concerns:

 

First, I haven't told her I've filed and having her served. Feeling guilt around not telling her first, but not sure why I would given her unstable behavior. Plus, it gives her further reason to avoid getting served.

 

Two, If she sees a strange man coming onto property without her permission, living out in the middle of nowhere, she's going to be both suspicious and scared, and probably won't answer the door anyway for that reason alone. She may even call the police.

 

Three. She has two dogs. They're small but protective. I'm a little concerned something dramatic can happen and the dogs can end up being harmed, which I would hate.

 

The alternative, I've been told is for the server to wait outside the gate until she leaves the house - at $80/hr. She may not leave the house that day or a couple of days. This could get expensive fast.

 

Again, there's the not telling her first. I've read that it's the surest way to have a very nasty divorce. And it feels cruel... but unwise, considering everything, and it's likely the case is going to be hostile anyway, at least from her side regardless of what I do.

 

Any suggestions appreciated.

Edited December 15, 2017 by Soundman

[Marc878]

Tell her what's coming and get it done.

 

Or continue to live as you have.

[Jdoublenn]

After walking out of the meeting, and hearing your thoughts over the last several therapy sessions AND phone calls, if she doesn't expect to be served at this point, she's in a fantasy world. I wouldn't tell her, and just have it done. However I have no idea if its worth waiting outside the gate or allowing them to go in to the property.

 

What if you got in contact with her again, simply to learn her schedule/if she's planning on going into town soon or not. That'll make serving the papers easier.

 

Or just tell her she is going to be served. Let her know the server will be coming on the property and to expect it.

[PegNosePete]

What if you got in contact with her again, simply to learn her schedule/if she's planning on going into town soon or not. That'll make serving the papers easier.

Right, or even schedule some kind of meeting with her, for coffee or something to "talk". Then have the process server walk a few steps behind you, a soon as you identify her, he can serve her.

 

It might seem underhanded but if she's deliberately trying to avoid service, you have to do what it takes to get the job done. She is forcing you to take these measures.

[Be_Strong]

Right, or even schedule some kind of meeting with her, for coffee or something to "talk". Then have the process server walk a few steps behind you, a soon as you identify her, he can serve her.

 

It might seem underhanded but if she's deliberately trying to avoid service, you have to do what it takes to get the job done. She is forcing you to take these measures.

This seems like the best idea. If she’s been trying to contact you, she seems receptive to a meeting. Arrange a time and place at a public place like a coffee shop, and then have the process server meet her there.

 

Alternatively, if you do have to serve her at the house and you’re concerned about her being afraid of a stranger on the property, you could always serve her with a uniformed sheriff’s deputy instead of a private process server.

 

Edited to add: If you haven’t already done so, you should talk to your attorney about your concerns and see what he/she advises. This isn’t your attorney’s first rodeo (at least I hope not!) and will have experience in the best ways to handle this kind of problem.

Edited December 15, 2017 by Be_Strong

[Rockdad]

With your own detailed description of your wife's personality I would say it's going to be a nasty divorce no matter how you handle it. It doesn't sound she doesn't like to be told no and not in control. She is going to be pissed no matter what.

 

She will be losing her workhorse and she really won't like that at all. I have lived that dream all be it my ex got a very large settlement and she was still very mad for years.

[Soundman]

Well, it finally happened this morning. I guess that makes it official. I'm exhausted, sad, but relieved.

 

I was one day away from biting the bullet and going out to my house and letting the server into the house with me to serve her early today before she could leave the house. Paying someone $80/hr to sit at the end of ourdriveway for hours, if not days, waiting for her to leave was not an option for me.

 

This past week I had been getting voicemail after voicemail (in my blocked calls voice mail section) from her. I listened to the first couple just to see if she knew. She did and and she was freaking, trying everything to get me to change my mind, contacting my parents and friends to enlist their support. They listened to her, but they knew where I was and had no interest in buying into her agenda.

 

I sent her a loving, but honest, email letter letting her know I had made up my mind and wasn't going to change it. She kept pushing for something other than a two lawyer approach. She wanted mediation - that's what she said. I thought about it. Was tempted to give it a try, but came to the belief that what she really wanted was reconciliation and this was a stalling ploy. I may be wrong, and will end up spending lots more doing it this way, but I'm hedging my bets.

 

Anyway, I can't even speak to her on the phone. Going through months of negotiating with her more directly probably was not going to be in my best interest. She's a powerful, articulate, and persuasive woman. Even after a lot of personal work and 8 months away, I'm not insusceptible to her influence. Doesn't matter, no turning back now.

 

Appreciate all the encouragement here. I'll be back with updates.