40 Days and 40 Nights - My attempt to break the bad habits of affair pain

[GrowingSlowly]

So here goes… (this became quite the novel, hope you are patient with me ;-)

 

I found out my wife had a 9 month long affair about 2.5 years ago. I was devastated, and didn't know how to deal with it. I clung to her and requested we do marriage counseling to try and get back together. She said OK, but as time went on I realized she was not able to get back into the relationship.

 

During this time I did the dumb thing of getting revenge, and I had a one night stand with someone I met. We texted for about 3-4 weeks and it was over. After this I decided to tell my wife that I forgave her for the affair, and really committed myself to the relationship.

 

We saw a marriage counselor 1-2 times per week, and worked on communicating and re-built our expectations of the relationship. We spent time figuring out what the other person did wrong, and how it affected the other. About a year after D day, I found out that she had not only kept in touch with her AP, but had also gone away on trips with him. This was the last straw for me and I told her I wanted a divorce. She then clung to me and I let her back in.

 

About 2 months later I took her and the kids on a tropical vacation in hopes that we could re-kindle our marriage. Nothing... At the end of the trip she said she wanted to move into an apartment to figure out her feelings. I told her I support that, but if that happens we will be separated.

 

When we got home, I did all kinds of bad things. After a couple weeks I caught her at her AP's house again and I told her that I never wanted to see her again.

 

A few days later I let her back in... But this time I told her, if you want me then you need to win me back. I'm here physically but I don't have the energy to pursue you anymore. I took to alcohol, found the girl I slept with a year earlier and hooked up with her again, and opened up communication with any girl I could find.

 

At this point I had left the relationship, but I was too coward to tell her. I was there physically but my heart was gone.

 

We continued marriage counseling, and after a few months she saw some signs of my infidelity and I had to come clean. I told her everything I did, and told her I wanted to keep working at it. I said this knowing that I had checked out, but I thought that I would be pulled in when she decided to start fighting for me.

 

At that point I had spent over $25000 on marriage counseling and it's not going anywhere. She has then spent 6 months blaming me for sleeping around, and telling me what a horrible person I was and that I was a liar. She was right, but I didn't feel responsible because I had checked out and felt OK with my decisions.

 

I decided to move out, and this lasted about 4 months. She got really upset with me because I was lying about something, and physically pushed me down the hall of my house. I'm not the one to push or restrain a woman, so I just let her do it. I decided that she would never fight for me, and I should just call it. Again I decided to contact the woman I slept with, and at this point she had met a guy but we caught up and chatted for a while.

 

After the 4 months of me living in a temp furnished basement I moved back into the house. I tried to work with her to see if there was anything left. We went on a weekend trip together, and after we had sex she was crying right after sex. I felt as though this meant it was over, and I was fooling myself. A long summer of me trying and trying to win her back ended in disaster when she found out that I contacted the person again and I didn't feel any remorse.

 

At this point I told her I should just move out. I found a place and signed a 1 year lease thinking we were just over. When I found the new place she immediately started having sex with me and pursuing me. I was a little confused, but wasn't going to turn it down. We have an amazing sex life ("HAD" it was amazing before her affair, and then suddenly again when I moved out).

 

After about a week of living in my apartment I decided I should tell her that I couldn't date her. I told her that a while ago also, that once I sign the lease we can't date, we need to live our separate lives. She was upset, but agreed that we should take a break so we can figure things out.

 

In the meantime, I met a beautiful girl who I started dating. I wrote my wife a letter saying I love her, but I haven't been in the relationship for 1.5 years, and that I was going to start dating. I felt that was appropriate, and was honest with her about it. She was devastated! I told her that by the time she finally started pursuing me it had been too late, by over a year. I couldn't get back into a relationship where my wife of 8 years at the time decided to have an affair to fulfill her unhappiness instead of communicating our problems with me. The affair was forgivable, but not the next year of visits with him. I also told her I wouldn't tell her when I started dating, and that it's my business and not hers.

 

I took my new girl with me on a trip, and my wife asked a bunch of questions about it. I couldn't lie so I just ended up telling her that I went with a girl I'm dating. She flipped her lid, and totally lost her mind. I told her I was honest about it, and she should be able to handle it. After a few weeks she wrote me a beautiful letter about her feelings for me, and how her affair was because of how much time I spend at work. I was floored, this was the first time she told me how much she cared.

 

I went to find her the next day, and when I got to where she was I found her with her AP again. I decided, oh well, her decision, however the kids were in the building as well and I was pissed. She had told me that she didn't want the kids to meet my girlfriend for at least a year so I was upset that he was in the same building as my kids. She told me they weren't around eachother, didn't even see eachother.

 

Fast forward a few more weeks and I decide to break up with my girlfriend, because I needed to explore these feelings I had for my wife. Could I possibly get back into the relationship? She claims she loves me and wants to work this out. I don't think she actually loves me, but rather just afraid to lose me. I provide for the whole house, she even has a full time job but can't balance her check book each month. I don't know what she would do financially without me. I know I'd be paying child support (even though we currently have the kids 50/50), so she'll be fine but who knows.

 

So I decided to tell her I need time to think about it. Time where we cannot contact eachother unless it's about kid scheduling. We cannot sleep together (definitely a hard one), no dates, no hugs, nothing. Just two people co-parenting and taking care of our kids the best we can. She is a great mom, and I spend real quality time with the kids when I have them.

 

That's where 40 Days, and 40 nights comes in. It takes 20 days to break a bad habit, and 20 days to build a good one. For her this means she can't check up on me and tell me to send her pictures of what I'm doing to make sure there isn't a girl around. To me that means no more girls, no communicating with females, just me and my work.

 

Today is my second day. It has already been productive, because I have been able to write down everything that's happened and processed her actions a little bit. I don't know if I'm going to walk away or tell her I can try at the end of my time, but I am hoping that I will have a clear decision on January 7th.

 

Rules of the 40 days:

 

1. No talking about our relationship

2. No sex (with anyone)

3. No talking to anyone of the opposite sex about relationship stuff

4. No dates

5. No hugs, kisses, love notes, or anything with eachother (or anyone for that matter)

6. Time to one self to think and process

 

The end goal

 

Come to a decision of whether I (we) think we can "attempt" to get back together. We start fresh from there, and decide if we can start to see eachother and start building and earning trust again. We draw a line in the sand, and don't talk about our previous affairs, we process the pain and work on communication.

 

 

I'll be writing about my days periodically, and journaling. I'll check back here and tell my story. I'm definitely interested in hearing opinions about my 40 day plan, and if you have a strong opinion of what a jerk I am or what a b!$%# my wife is, then please keep it to yourself.

[Marc878]

She can't and won't stay away from her AP. You have nothing to work with here.

[GrowingSlowly]

Last night it was hard to not text any girls. I hung out with my neighbors and had dinner, then went back to my apartment. I went to bed at 8:15 because I was afraid of texting someone. I even deleted my GF's number from my phone, but I have a really good memory for numbers. Someone is going to have to hold me accountable for this

[BarbedFenceRider]

Your XW is hanging on to you for financial reasons and security blanket. Remember, she was the one with the flying va jay jay... You guys did the back and forth thing for waaaaaay toooo looong! You have been the simp and comfortable in this role. But you do internally understand that you are getting no respect from this woman and she doesn't really love you. Sometimes, you just need to cut the cord and move on.

As for the therapists. My God! Looks like you've been strung along helping to pay their bills. No joy there. Maybe you wife is with them too? That definitely isn't good for things when the money is just wasted like that.

Simply, I am not buying the 40 days thing. I just don't see it working when you have such a long past of back and forth filandry and toxic relationship issues. I say, Bail....Live clean and clear for a year, then work on a healthy relationship that values you and you with her. JMO.

 

Sorry if that was ugly. But it needs to be said. I do wish you the best of luck.

[BluesPower]

The question is...

 

WHY. WHY. WHY.

 

Why did you try to work it out after and 9 Month affair and at least 2 DDays?

 

Again, Why?

 

Just end it already and file for divorce.

 

You have messed everything up so bad from the start that there is no coming back from this.

 

End it for goodness sake...

[GrowingSlowly]

The question is...

 

WHY. WHY. WHY.

 

Why did you try to work it out after and 9 Month affair and at least 2 DDays?

 

Again, Why?

 

Just end it already and file for divorce.

 

You have messed everything up so bad from the start that there is no coming back from this.

 

End it for goodness sake...

 

I'll answer that question, because of the kids. I also own a successful business that I don't really want to give her half of (community property state). She is F&^%ed in the head, and this is the second marriage that she ruined because of infidelity. I'd rather my kids grow up in a house where parents stick together and raise them right.

 

I'd rather not let my kids grow up in two houses, with one crazy mom and one put together dad. I can help give them stability, and keep teaching them the value of hard work. Not just with words, but with chores. With all that she's a great mom, and we complement each other well in parenting.

 

I also don't want my kids to grow up with some douche dad that she cheated on me with. I guarantee that will be her default.

[Frostedflake]

If your business is successful then negotiate/buy her out of her share.

As for "giving the kids stability", do not confuse predictability for stability. You know she's a repeat offender, that will not change.

[BluesPower]

I'll answer that question, because of the kids. I also own a successful business that I don't really want to give her half of (community property state). She is F&^%ed in the head, and this is the second marriage that she ruined because of infidelity. I'd rather my kids grow up in a house where parents stick together and raise them right.

 

I'd rather not let my kids grow up in two houses, with one crazy mom and one put together dad. I can help give them stability, and keep teaching them the value of hard work. Not just with words, but with chores. With all that she's a great mom, and we complement each other well in parenting.

 

I also don't want my kids to grow up with some douche dad that she cheated on me with. I guarantee that will be her default.

 

I understand... but think of this.

 

It IS better for children to grow up with 2 separated parents that are happy and hopefully in a loving relationship than it is for them to be around 2 miserable parents.

 

It is the old, don't stay for the kids. Also, you could by her out and pay her out over time.

 

I just want you to think about this. Because I stayed with a woman that I loved but did not love me for 26 years. She was/is crazy. I wonder if I did more or less damage by staying in the marriage.

 

I know one thing, I was completely miserable in every way. I know that it was bad for them to see me that way, but I thought I was doing the right thing.

 

In hindsight, it would have been better for me to divorce her early on. Turns out I would have had a good chance to getting full custody of the kids because of her drug use.

 

Think about it carefully...

[kgcolonel]

I'll answer that question, because of the kids. I also own a successful business that I don't really want to give her half of (community property state). She is F&^%ed in the head, and this is the second marriage that she ruined because of infidelity. I'd rather my kids grow up in a house where parents stick together and raise them right.

 

I'd rather not let my kids grow up in two houses, with one crazy mom and one put together dad. I can help give them stability, and keep teaching them the value of hard work. Not just with words, but with chores. With all that she's a great mom, and we complement each other well in parenting.

 

I also don't want my kids to grow up with some douche dad that she cheated on me with. I guarantee that will be her default.

 

I get you and where you're coming from....is there a way that you can tell her that the boundary of your M is raising the kids in a healthy (even if in appearance only) household. She's free to "cheat" but do not let the kids find out.

 

Before i get slammed for this, i personally see this as a better alternative as you will have more control of who your kids come into contact with while your WW is out sowing her wayward oats. Do you think you'd be able to withstand having visibility of this on behalf of the welfare of your kids?

[GrowingSlowly]

Don't get me wrong, when we are together we are totally happy. I really enjoy her company, and she enjoys mine. It's when I'm not there that things go wrong, her imagination goes crazy that I'm at work late and she thinks I'm cheating on her. It's always been like this, even when I just talk to a girl at a party.

[BluesPower]

Don't get me wrong, when we are together we are totally happy. I really enjoy her company, and she enjoys mine. It's when I'm not there that things go wrong, her imagination goes crazy that I'm at work late and she thinks I'm cheating on her. It's always been like this, even when I just talk to a girl at a party.

 

That is her projecting he behavior on you...

 

Because she is a cheater, multiple I think, she suspects you of doing what she did. It is very common.

[sdraw108]

this is the second marriage that she ruined because of infidelity.

 

Ask yourself this. Do you fully accept that she will cheat on you for the rest of your life, and are you happy to live with that? If not then you shouldn't be trying to salvage the marriage. Either way, don't be in denial about reality. She's screwed up far too many times (including before you married her) for this to be anything but a core part of her personality.

[GrowingSlowly]

She has been working with a counselor for the past 2.5 years what could go wrong?