Better to have loved and lost...

[hotpotato]

Than never to have loved at all.

 

What do you think? This is a spin off from another thread. Someone responded to me in the affirmative and said people who believe that arent dumpees. I think the saying also makes sense if the relationship has ended bc of some external issue neither party has control over.

 

In my experience, dumpers do seem happier than myself bc they have already planned and lined up someone else. If i contact one and talk about my love life, they seem very optimistic "Dont worry love is out there ." Im just like, where?

I am a chronic dumpee, and i disagree with the saying. I think i wouldve been happier had i never dated nor attempted to date. However, if i never wouldve dated, i would wonder what it was like!

 

I have a pattern. Ill be single. Ill get really, really happy. Ill date someone, get dumped (usually for another woman), then im unhappy again. Dating has been a significant source of misery.

[lovephule]

It depends. If it's the kind of transformative love where you're better for having known the person, I'd say it's true. Dumper or dumpee.

[Shanex]

I dunno if thats because you are a woman, but it may very well because you have been often the dumpees.

 

I have been both and equally, dumper and dumpee. Both hurt to be honest. Its also painful to break up with a woman we used to love, whatever the reason.

 

I think what even hurts more is the ''slow fade'', someone becoming nonresponsive, evasive and cold and you wonder why. Maybe its their way to make you comprehend the relationship is over.

[hotpotato]

I dunno if thats because you are a woman, but it may very well because you have been often the dumpees.

 

I have been both and equally, dumper and dumpee. Both hurt to be honest. Its also painful to break up with a woman we used to love, whatever the reason.

 

I think what even hurts more is the ''slow fade'', someone becoming nonresponsive, evasive and cold and you wonder why. Maybe its their way to make you comprehend the relationship is over.

The dumpers ive known dont seem too sad. For them imo its mostly a pity thing in which they feel bad for hurting someones feelings. Its not the same as the oftentimes out of the blue, sudden rejection and powerlessness that the dumpee may feel.

 

When someone slow fades, theyve probably found someone else. 'Just a different way of doing the same thing.

[CptInsano]

I also dumped and got dumped at about the same rate. Being dumped was far more painful for me initially. However, the lingering guilt of dumping somebody never really went away. One woman was terribly affected by it and moved out of the city because of it. I still feel horrible about it, even though I know that the relationship would have never worked out.

[carhill]

Been dumped/rejected plenty in life and still believe it (the title topic statement) and still practice it as opportunities and desires present themselves. The main difference is it doesn't rule me anymore. The hopeless romantic and clueless lover grew up, learned to accept the risks of loving another human and to hold one's head high regardless of the result.

 

Another, perhaps synergistic topic would be is it better to have been loved and lost than to never have been loved at all. That's different. I can spend a lifetime loving people and never have been loved at all. Possible! Interesting. That was a lesson I learned being married.

[Amethyst11]

Let's please stop using the word dumper or dumpee--it is so degrading, like garbage.

 

Your question is so ambiguous, hard to answer because it depends totally on the situation--it is relative--with no final definite answer.

 

In my own case, the answer is clearly no, it is not better. Also depends on your age, and the love itself.

[Shanex]

I'm on the fence here. On one hand, I think that being in a real, loving relationship is an experience I would never want to forget.

 

Same. I have no regrets to have been in happy relationships. I can regret the way they ended or the mere fact that they ended, not much you can do about it.

 

I would probably be a lot more miserable now if I had never found love, or to be blunt, to be still a virgin too, than what I have lived over the years.

[WaitingForBardot]

Than never to have loved at all.

For me, absolutely yes.

 

I always try. I don't see how you'd be able to find someone to be happy with, if you're so risk averse that you don't even try. Sometimes you choose poorly, sometimes you choose well, but you absolutely must choose.

[hotpotato]

Let's please stop using the word dumper or dumpee--it is so degrading, like garbage.

 

Your question is so ambiguous, hard to answer because it depends totally on the situation--it is relative--with no final definite answer.

 

In my own case, the answer is clearly no, it is not better. Also depends on your age, and the love itself.

To be frank, thats how dating has made me feel-like garbage to be discarded. Im not offended by terms like dumper and dumpee.

 

I guess it is open to a lot of interpretation. Maybe a better question was,"When do risks of finding love outweigh the benefits?"

 

To add a lityle clarity,by dumpers i dont mean people who are in very bad situations like abuse, dealing with an addict, etc.

[hotpotato]

It depends. If it's the kind of transformative love where you're better for having known the person, I'd say it's true. Dumper or dumpee.

 

I dont think ive had that tbh. I get transformed for the worse. If i had never met the person, i wouldnt know the difference. The entire situation can be avoided.

[RecentChange]

I think it also really depends on the quality of the relationship, and what you got out of it.

 

I have been broken up with, and I have had to do the breaking up.

 

But honestly, no regrets, zero. I certainly would say better to have loved and lost.

 

Although, to be real, I have only fallen in love with one person, my husband. The rest.. fondness? Puppy love? Infatuation? Not the deep love I have with my spouse, not even close. I have never experienced true heart break from a relationship ending.

 

Every relationship taught me about myself. Taught me about being involved with someone. Helped me understand what I wanted, how to treat people, how to communicate.

 

And every partner I have had, has treated me with respect, and kindness, and I have tried to do the same. I don’t wish ill on any one of them, and I am glad that I knew them.

 

Those experiences have made me who I am, and I am grateful for them.

[rushed]

Being the dumper or the dumpee are both awful. And love, either way, always felt miserable to me after a breakup.

 

However, once you're out of that miserable zone and can look back , oh man is love fun. Yes, there were bad times. But the good times? I had the best amazing highs.

 

So yes, I think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

[Chilli]

l've wondered about this a lot myself.

Still don't know.

 

On one hand , l've been so lucky to have loved and lived it all , twice in my life, and l have my beautiful daughter.

ex w and later gf.

More than most could poss' imagine , not just love, much much more.

And as l read around or notice things with people l know, l see how many have just never even known love , let alone stuff l have.

 

But how am l suppose to feel.

Was l so lucky , don;t forget about the pain too.

 

And what do you do with the memories ?

Were you lucky to have loved , twice ?

 

A very wise man l know , says that you keep those memories and you always enjoy them.

But l haven't figured out just how you do that without separating the rest from it.

[Tribble]

Difficult to say. A lot of people who say it is, are in love now. They may have loved others in the past and lost them, but they found another to love. Their past seems worth it because it led them to where they are. Would they still think it worth it if they were in love and loved by no-one?

 

For me, your risk question is worth contemplating. I rarely fall for anyone. I find it difficult to form romantic relationships. But when I do, I fall hard. It feels like they will always have a small piece of my heart and I will always love them to some degree, no matter what. Which means when it ends, I feel a crushing sense of loss for a long time. I find it very difficult to get over and sometimes I wonder if I ever will fully get over it (2 and a half years on).

 

To have truly been in love is a joy to look back on. A friend said to me recently, she had never seen me so happy, my work improved and my outlook on life improved, just because I was in love. But it is now tinged with sadness because it's gone and may never happen for me again. Before it all, I was curious but not that bothered. I mean, I was quite happy alone, how good could it be?? Now I know, I crave it more than I ever did before. So in that way, it is worse.

 

I can't honestly say I wish I'd never felt it (although sometimes I do say that!). But now the question is, can I do it again with the risk of losing it and going through the pain again? I want to, but I get scared and anxious. I feel like I barely survived the pain and I never want to go through it again. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it again. I put up barriers to protect myself, but that makes it unlikely to find someone and increases my loneliness and insulation. I try to push myself, but I balk and my mind goes into overdrive on the risks.

 

So in answer, sorry, I don't know haha!

[Mysterio]

For me. I am thinking that desiring a romantic relationship is toxic. I just don't get it. For me. Its like I am getting tired of meeting women that are attached. The ones that are single are scare. I never meet women where I am on the same wave length.

 

Then again. When I make friendships. Its a meeting of the minds. I don't know why the contrast is so vast.

 

More later...

[Chilli]

Yeah l agree the future and the risk , l do wonder why any sane person would ever wanna risk those feelings again.

Sometimes l think l'd have to be crazy.

[Timshel]

I have lost people I love very deeply,..if I had it to do over again, I would.

 

I would definitely rather love and lose then never love at all.

 

We have a short time on this plane of existence, tomorrow is not here and yesterday is gone.

 

I may chose sparingly who I love but no question, I love and am a better human for it.

[SolG]

I have lost people I love very deeply,..if I had it to do over again, I would.

 

I would definitely rather love and lose then never love at all.

 

We have a short time on this plane of existence, tomorrow is not here and yesterday is gone.

 

I may chose sparingly who I love but no question, I love and am a better human for it.

 

I agree with you wholeheartedly Timshel.

 

Speaking of purely the romantic dimension, I've had three great loves in my life thus far, and a smattering of minor transient ones. And I'm privileged and better for having known every single one. Each of them helped me become more of who I am today.

 

Has it been without pain? Of course not. But as my therapist is fond of saying, pain is inevitable in life... but suffering isn't. Pain, just like joy or any other emotion is transitory. And on balance, IME, relationships generally (barring the dysfunctional) involve more of the latter. A painful ending should not, indeed cannot, cancel out all the good unless you allow it.

 

The fabric of life is richer for all its experiences and emotions. That's what gives it depth and meaning.

 

It frustrates me to read on here, or hear from a gf, that someone feels they 'wasted' years (or some other metric of time) on a relationship. If there were meaningful experiences, if it helped you grow, it wasn't wasted. Just because something ends or changes doesn't make it a waste of time.

 

I'm firmly in the camp of it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Because IME what you gain by loving is so much greater in magnitude.

Edited December 2, 2017 by SolG

[hotpotato]

Yeah l agree the future and the risk , l do wonder why any sane person would ever wanna risk those feelings again.

Sometimes l think l'd have to be crazy.

 

I do think they must be crazy, but looking at the posts, most people are a mix of dumper and dumpee. I dont think its the same as being the dumpee constantly. Sure in a few of my situations, i couldve left, but it still hurt being left for other women. Im the one trying to work things out.

 

I feel i am reaching the point where more harm is done than good.

[Mysterio]

These are my raw thoughts on a romantic relationship.

 

This is what I feel I want and deserve.

 

A single childless woman that is late 30's. Romantically attracted to me and does the legwork towards me to see if we are a great fit.

 

Physical look-Fit and natural looking, makes herself up to look pretty by dressing up.

 

Height I like short girls, but I guess it does not matter.

 

Ethnicity-White/Black/Asian/Latino.

 

Loves going out to dinner/Movies/Walks/Working Out/Music. Not a Homebody.

 

Has a great relationship with family/friends.

 

Very affectionate/warm/playful towards me and desires me that way.

 

Introspective and loves to talk. Strives for goodness, supports my Sprituality.

 

Really wants to explore a Romantic LTR and gives us space as well.

 

Open to marriage down the road. More like Yr 3.

 

I think what I want is realistic and attainable. How it will happen. I have to pray and be open and also,not be on such a hunt for it. For some reason. it does not work for me when I make the effort. Or there are a lot of women attached for some reason.

[heartbrokenlady]

I had my heart broken, badly, by my ex. I'm an a mess still, months later.

 

But I'm trying not to be bitter. We had a good, good love. And mostly I think, love is not wrong.

 

I don't regret loving him. I'm sad it didn't work but our love made us better people, for a while. It was a bigger and better thing than we were/are individually.

 

I hope that when I'm not sad anymore, when the pain eases a bit, that I can still be positive about it and him. It will be my last relationship, so I want to continue to be idealistic about it and him.

[SevenCity]

I for one don't think it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.

 

The pain I endured (am enduring) a year and a half after my ex dumped me is something I do not care to repeat. It has taken an otherwise hopeful romantic guy and turned me into a shell of my former self.

 

If I could go back in time I would cancel our first date.

 

To me it's like asking if you would relather be blind from birth or lose your sight later in life. In the former situation you don't know what you are missing and you don't have to adjust to a new, suckier way of life.

 

The rub is that you don't completely get over the last one until you fall in love with someone else. Hence why many keep trying.

 

It's easy to say it was worth it if you are currently in love with someone else who loves you.

[chinadiary]

 

The rub is that you don't completely get over the last one until you fall in love with someone else. Hence why many keep trying.

 

 

 

 

While I agree, that for a lot of people, this is true. I don't think it has to be.

 

I think real pain, pain that lingers, shows how deeply you loved. And I really don't think that is a waste.

 

Hell while you're going through it. As I am at the moment. But love can't be bad.

[SevenCity]

While I agree, that for a lot of people, this is true. I don't think it has to be.

 

I think real pain, pain that lingers, shows how deeply you loved. And I really don't think that is a waste.

 

Hell while you're going through it. As I am at the moment. But love can't be bad.

 

I've yet to see how this type of pain has improved my life. Instead it's made me bitter and jaded.

 

Sure I've made some improvements as a result but nothing that would make any of it worth it.