Better to have loved and lost...

[Gaeta]

I have loved, and hurt, I've dumped and was dumped, I lost everything twice and rebuild myself each time and because of that I feel *I have lived*.

 

Hurting is part of life, it makes you learn and grow. I would not want to be in an aseptisized life where I only know joy and happiness. How could I fully appreciate happiness without having known sadness and pain? What kind of superficial human being would I be if I had never experienced pain and rejection?

 

The secret of surviving pain is to recognize our role in it and then let it go.

 

When I am old and on my dying bed I want to look back and think of how much I have loved, I will remember all my lovers and how I did my best, I took chances and I didn't spend my life standing aside in fear of getting *hurt*.

 

I don't know how I am wired but I have never feared being hurt. It's something fixable! it's something that heels and then rewards you.

[hotpotato]

I've yet to see how this type of pain has improved my life. Instead it's made me bitter and jaded.

 

Sure I've made some improvements as a result but nothing that would make any of it worth it.

 

I can relate. I dont feel like the relationships have made me better, only more cautious. More anxiety.

 

I almost stood up my latest ex on our first date. If i had, i wouldnt know the difference as far as the good times.

 

Being dumped so much hasnt made me a better future girlfriend. None of the guys i dated would tell me what i was doing wrong in the moment. They would simply go on to other women. None of them were ever like"i wish you would do this/be more like this." Yet i could do that for them and give them chances and benefits of the doubt.

[Gaeta]

I've yet to see how this type of pain has improved my life. Instead it's made me bitter and jaded.

You are not done learning from it. Bitter and jaded need to turn into experience and wisdom. It takes time. I remember it took me 3 years to get over a 4 year relationship. When I was in the middle of it I certainly did not see how one day it would benefit me. Now a few years later I identify that break up as a pivotal moment in my life where It made me, almost forced me to become self aware to a higher level.

[hotpotato]

Maybe im too sensitive about dating. No one seems to have advice for me aside from just get over it. Im sensitive and also get dumped a lot. Not a good combo. I dont know anyone else who gets dumped pretty much everytime they date.

 

I feel like i could stay single for at least 5 years with no problem. When i dont date, im a lot happier. Being dumped makes me miserable.

[hotpotato]

I for one don't think it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.

 

The pain I endured (am enduring) a year and a half after my ex dumped me is something I do not care to repeat. It has taken an otherwise hopeful romantic guy and turned me into a shell of my former self.

 

If I could go back in time I would cancel our first date.

 

To me it's like asking if you would relather be blind from birth or lose your sight later in life. In the former situation you don't know what you are missing and you don't have to adjust to a new, suckier way of life.

 

The rub is that you don't completely get over the last one until you fall in love with someone else. Hence why many keep trying.

 

It's easy to say it was worth it if you are currently in love with someone else who loves you.

I agree for the most part.

 

Dumpers know this instinctively and simply jump from one person to another. Many do not allow themselves to bevome dingle. No wonder they are so optimistic about love. Its easy to be happy when you have control and people want you.

[Chilli]

Tbh , l still just dunno really wth to think about this stuff.

All l seem to feel most about ex w or now gf, is the ending.

lt'd be nice , well maybe it might be, dunno , if it was about the good times but you don't seem to be able to enjoy those anyway if it

ended , especially if it ended with pain..

 

So maybe it's not better to have loved because you seem to be mainly left with the grief.

 

l do feel sorry for so many people l see around though that have obviously never really known real love but eh , at least they could have then never really felt that kind of ending then either so lucky for them..

Edited December 19, 2017 by Chilli

[hotpotato]

Tbh , l still just dunno really wth to think about this stuff.

All l seem to feel most about ex w or now gf, is the ending.

lt'd be nice , well maybe it might be, dunno , if it was about the good times but you don't seem to be able to enjoy those anyway if it

ended , especially if it ended with pain..

 

So maybe it's not better to have loved because you seem to be mainly left with the grief.

 

l do feel sorry for so many people l see around though that have obviously never really known real love but eh , at least they could have then never really felt that kind of ending then either so lucky for them..

 

I can relate. The ending part is very salient for me. Usually i an left for another woman which makes me feel even worse.

 

Love is given and then taken away.

[SevenCity]

You are not done learning from it. Bitter and jaded need to turn into experience and wisdom. It takes time. I remember it took me 3 years to get over a 4 year relationship. When I was in the middle of it I certainly did not see how one day it would benefit me. Now a few years later I identify that break up as a pivotal moment in my life where It made me, almost forced me to become self aware to a higher level.

 

I can only hope you are right. However, as much as I’ve leanred from past relationships the knowledge was not worth the pain. All it had done is make me realize when I hear “I love you”, “I would never leave you”, etc it is all BS. Time and time again I’m proven correct in my assumption.

 

I don’t think I could ever love and trust a woman like I did with my ex. I REALLY thought she was different and it was the first (and only) time in my life I went into a relationship with an open heart. I severely doubt that will ever happen again.

 

It’s made me lose faith in women in general which is why I don’t trust them.

 

The next big thing I’m looking forward to is when my time is up. Sadly, I fear that may be 15 years or so.

[HiCrunchy]

@hotpotato and SevenCity

 

Yes, being dumped and being left in pieces is the worst feeling. I have had issues with self love and negative thoughts, but being discarded has put me in a dept and pain of disappear I never felt before being "in love". I haven't found a new love so my heart is still in pain a year and a half later.

 

If I am honest, I wish to have never loved at all.

[SevenCity]

@hotpotato and SevenCity

 

Yes, being dumped and being left in pieces is the worst feeling. I have had issues with self love and negative thoughts, but being discarded has put me in a dept and pain of disappear I never felt before being "in love". I haven't found a new love so my heart is still in pain a year and a half later.

 

If I am honest, I wish to have never loved at all.

 

You and I are both on the same timeline as it’s been just as long for me.

 

I think the difference is I have dated a lot and had several mini relationships in that time and still came up empty. The only conclusion I can draw is that it’s no longer in the cards for me.

 

People say you should go in with no expectations. I take it one step further and dread going on dates. Either one of two things will happen 1) she won’t be interested or 2) I’ll end up having sex with her for a few months until she annoys me to the point it’s not worth it.

 

Edit: 3) or I’m not interested

 

Sucks.

Edited December 25, 2017 by SevenCity

[Chilli]

In my mind l might sorta call it a waste , but l don't really mean it was a waste.

l just don't know.

The waste part for me is that maybe l spent all those years yet it didn't work so l've lost those years. And maybe if they were with someone else instead then it wouldn't of ended and so l didn't lose those years,,, or something like that.

 

But lreally just don't know if 19yrs with my ex wife, 10 to 15 of them were almost stuff most only dream about , so was l lucky , l went through so much when it ended,worst thing in my life, so l don't know.

 

And my gf after , that we've now split up, again l feel so so lucky to have lived and had and received what we had, again in my life, it was even more dream than earlier yrs with ex w and almost l feel my reward for going through what l did in my divorce,

But we also had some shyt and so again now l pay.

 

So , l really still just do not know.

l'm the partner kind, l've always had a partner since l was 15 16. it's the life l'm suited to and when l'm by far most happiest but its' also given me by far the most grief in life too.

Go figure eh.

[SevenCity]

In my mind l might sorta call it a waste , but l don't really mean it was a waste.

l just don't know.

The waste part for me is that maybe l spent all those years yet it didn't work so l've lost those years. And maybe if they were with someone else instead then it wouldn't of ended and so l didn't lose those years,,, or something like that.

 

But lreally just don't know if 19yrs with my ex wife, 10 to 15 of them were almost stuff most only dream about , so was l lucky , l went through so much when it ended,worst thing in my life, so l don't know.

 

And my gf after , that we've now split up, again l feel so so lucky to have lived and had and received what we had, again in my life, it was even more dream than earlier yrs with ex w and almost l feel my reward for going through what l did in my divorce,

But we also had some shyt and so again now l pay.

 

So , l really still just do not know.

l'm the partner kind, l've always had a partner since l was 15 16. it's the life l'm suited to and when l'm by far most happiest but its' also given me by far the most grief in life too.

Go figure eh.

 

 

Same boat here. I’ve always been with someone myself and this is the longest stretch I’ve ever been single, sans a few OLD mini RLs.

 

Those ending didn’t hurt at all - mostly a relief. In speaking with my therapist, she feels humans are meant to be with someone and feels my pain will not end until I find someone I like more.

 

Personally I hope to be able to change that paradigm and be just as happy alone. There are benefits I must admit to being single. Like today I would be subjected to my exes family and making my uncomfortable small talk. Instead I’m watching tv with my dog on my lap.

 

It’s gotten easier as this is holiday season #2 without my ex. I’m hoping third times a charm.

[Chilli]

Yeah right.

Well l was alone 3yrs after divorce , can't count that though l just needed it , but there was afew casuals. l'm not into casual though.

 

l wanted to marry my gf ,but we were long distance and it was really hard to figure out , costs and immigration and who moves and where do we ive and all. But l couldn't believe the gods let us find each other and after both our divorces , just couldn't believe it , she was more tha l could dream for, fkg time of my life.

But she had some stuff too, l'm still not sure. Or maybe it's just that l let her down , l'm not sure. She gave us so much , put in so much.

Thing is though,l can only manage what l can though right now after divorce, l'm starting again . Soif it wa sthat then l really just couldn't help it.

Edited December 26, 2017 by Chilli

[Popsicle]

Interesting. You may be right that it's usually dumpers who say this.

 

I've been on both sides and it definitely feels a lot worse when you're the dumpee.

[Popsicle]

@hotpotato and SevenCity

 

Yes, being dumped and being left in pieces is the worst feeling. I have had issues with self love and negative thoughts, but being discarded has put me in a dept and pain of disappear I never felt before being "in love". I haven't found a new love so my heart is still in pain a year and a half later.

 

If I am honest, I wish to have never loved at all.

 

lol you guys are amateurs.

 

Time heals this.

 

I'm serious...TIME. So much time passes that the pain subsides

 

I've been single for over 10 years, save a couple of 1 year relationships. Ten years. I am very used to being single. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad anymore either. Just there.

 

The only other person on this forum who I can think of who's been single for a long time and used to it is Carhill. We all know someone in our lives who is single and content and has been single for so long that you don't even expect them to be with someone ever again. I think that's me.

[heartbrokenlady]

lol you guys are amateurs.

 

Time heals this.

 

I'm serious...TIME. So much time passes that the pain subsides

 

I've been single for over 10 years, save a couple of 1 year relationships. Ten years. I am very used to being single. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad anymore either. Just there.

 

The only other person on this forum who I can think of who's been single for a long time and used to it is Carhill. We all know someone in our lives who is single and content and has been single for so long that you don't even expect them to be with someone ever again. I think that's me.

 

 

Popsicle, I aspire to be you!! Seriously. To be single and not be at the whims and mercy of another person.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, I aspire to be you!! Seriously. To be single and not be at the whims and mercy of another person.

 

The freedom is one of the best parts.

[heartbrokenlady]

The freedom is one of the best parts.

 

 

I was driving yesterday. Imagining that. Imagining how it would feel to feel good and not because I was in love, or about another person, but just because... life was good. I want that so much I can taste it.

 

And yet at the moment, I feel like I'm in hell.

[Popsicle]

I was driving yesterday. Imagining that. Imagining how it would feel to feel good and not because I was in love, or about another person, but just because... life was good. I want that so much I can taste it.

 

And yet at the moment, I feel like I'm in hell.

 

You'll get there.

[nospam99]

The freedom is one of the best parts.

 

Although I've only been legally single again for about nine months, my ex and I lived apart for more than ten years prior to the divorce settlement. During that time and since I've had no romantic relationship. Co-parenting took up essentially all of my 'people in my life' time. I absolutely agree that the freedom was the best part. I'd have gladly traded the freedom and I'm currently looking to trade that freedom for a loving, caring life partnership.

[Popsicle]

Although I've only been legally single again for about nine months, my ex and I lived apart for more than ten years prior to the divorce settlement. During that time and since I've had no romantic relationship. Co-parenting took up essentially all of my 'people in my life' time. I absolutely agree that the freedom was the best part. I'd have gladly traded the freedom and I'm currently looking to trade that freedom for a loving, caring life partnership.

 

I'd gladly trade my freedom for a great relationship too, but I haven't found that yet. So I'm just living my life and relishing the freedom.

[Hatelove_1]

This thread is interesting. I prefer to never have loved than to have loved and lost.

 

Seems pointless and seriously a waste. None of my relationships have made me a better person, in fact they have only changed me for the worse. The only relationship that had a somewhat positive impact in my life was my hs relationship. Other than that, everything else, a pure waste of time, emotions and energy.

 

To be honest I wish I would have found my soulmate early on. Probably hs or something. Would have avoided all types of heartache.

 

My theory is you don't know what you're missing on if you've never experienced it. The blind example provided earlier was perfect.

Edited December 26, 2017 by Hatelove_1

[hotpotato]

lol you guys are amateurs.

 

Time heals this.

 

I'm serious...TIME. So much time passes that the pain subsides

 

I've been single for over 10 years, save a couple of 1 year relationships. Ten years. I am very used to being single. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad anymore either. Just there.

 

The only other person on this forum who I can think of who's been single for a long time and used to it is Carhill. We all know someone in our lives who is single and content and has been single for so long that you don't even expect them to be with someone ever again. I think that's me.

 

Im 30 and not an amateur. Time never healed any of my wounds. I feel hurt from years ago. Maybe dating isnt for me.

[hotpotato]

This thread is interesting. I prefer to never have loved than to have loved and lost.

 

Seems pointless and seriously a waste. None of my relationships have made me a better person, in fact they have only changed me for the worse. The only relationship that had a somewhat positive impact in my life was my hs relationship. Other than that, everything else, a pure waste of time, emotions and energy.

 

To be honest I wish I would have found my soulmate early on. Probably hs or something. Would have avoided all types of heartache.

 

My theory is you don't know what you're missing on if you've never experienced it. The blind example provided earlier was perfect.

Ditto here. I wish i had found my love in high school or college. After the crap ive been through, being single doesnt seem so bad. I just cant keep doing this.

 

Many if ny high school peers married someone frim hs or college. They mostly seem happy.

[central]

It seems that some people have a much harder time moving on than others. I don't know why that is, but it is clearly true, and makes love a high-risk venture for them, unfortunately.

 

 

I've been dumped, and I've been the dumper. Being dumped hurts tremendously, especially if you have no inkling that it's coming. For me, though, I somehow move past that and use it as motivation to find a new, perhaps better relationship using what I learned. Generally, I've found new relationships quickly - and often enough been dumped or ended it myself yet again, when one of us finds that there is something missing or something wrong.

 

 

Then repeat - until you either meet someone who you don't want to dump, who doesn't want to dump you, or, you decide that it's too much effort for too little return, and decide to be single. There is nothing wrong with that choice, if you are content. Relationships don't define us - we define relationships.