I am frustrated with my husband

[DecimatedDreams]

Hey

I married a guy of my parents choice two years ago. We have had good relationship in earlier months of our marriage. However, sometimes he got very angry over small issues.

Now when almost two years are gone. Our son is one year old, our relationship is just at its worst. He yells over me almost daily. I ask him to talk with me in a respectful manner. But he always humilates me. And when he is angry, he humilates me even more.

But in public, or in front of other family members we act to be very happy and respectful of eachother.

The fact is he yells on me everyday. And I cry for hours almost daily. Yelling seems to have become his habbit. He sometimes says me sorry. But when I cry, he yells even more.

 

I dont know if I need psychological help, or if he needs... Or if we both need to break up.

 

Kindly advice

[marky00]

The fact is he yells on me everyday. And I cry for hours almost daily. Yelling seems to have become his habbit. He sometimes says me sorry. But when I cry, he yells even more.

 

 

part in bold is key. it's basic human psychology. once you stop reacting and looking weak, this will stop.

 

I know it will be super hard and he will throw is A game at you once you start to make strong boundaries.

 

Stop crying and acting upset. If the behavior continues once your strong again, next plan would be to leave.

[BarbedFenceRider]

How old are you guys? How long did you date before proposal? What country are you coming from? I only ask, as arranged marriages are few in the US...No disrespect.

 

Being verbally abusive is a terrible thing. And your child will catch the brunt of it as he/she grows older. Anger management and clear communication between the two of you will be needed here. Do you have good relations with the parents of the husband? Maybe his mother can be a mediator. She has to know that you will leave her son if he doesn't get his act together.

A good therapist or psychologist can get the anger management down easy. Lots of programs are out there.

Maybe you have an advocate on your side? A friend or Sister? You need to feel safe on your end and having someone to lean on during these times can take a load off your shoulders. Good thing is...I feel that it is fixable. Men are brutish and overbearing. But we can be tempered into better gentlemen with the right nudging. Life is not easy, and most likely your husband is feeling the pressure. He is dumping out his stress on you, and it's unfair and not healthy. But by a healthy outlet for stress, and better communication with his wife...He can be sharpened into the man and husband you deserve. Best of luck.

[Nothingtolose]

part in bold is key. it's basic human psychology. once you stop reacting and looking weak, this will stop.

 

I know it will be super hard and he will throw is A game at you once you start to make strong boundaries.

 

Stop crying and acting upset. If the behavior continues once your strong again, next plan would be to leave.

 

What? This is nuts. Someone shouldn't have to hold back their tears when they're upset just so as to not appear "weak" to their partner. Especially if it's him causing her to get upset by yelling at her.

 

Telling someone to stop being upset is easy, but it's not that straightforward, some of us get extremely triggered by angry behavior and yelling.

 

OP, I had a similar situation with my ex. He would yell and be verbally abusive when we fought, which would lead me to get upset and cry, and he'd get bothered by my tears and act even more mean. Giving me a hug or comforting me, or apologizing for making me upset was just not something he'd ever do. When our fighting got pretty bad, I often had to walk in eggshells because anything I said could trigger him to start acting that way.

 

I left the relationship two months ago, for various reasons, but definitely don't miss the verbally abusive fights. I'm going to be on the lookout for anger problems/temper issues in my next guy for sure, if I'm going to have a man yelling at me and making me feel diminished, I sure as hell would rather be alone.

[basil67]

Decimated Dreams, you're not going to get strong until you are away from him. Does your family know what is going on? Or your best friends? You must confide in someone close to you and get some help.

[Zahara]

Hey

I married a guy of my parents choice two years ago. We have had good relationship in earlier months of our marriage. However, sometimes he got very angry over small issues.

Now when almost two years are gone. Our son is one year old, our relationship is just at its worst. He yells over me almost daily. I ask him to talk with me in a respectful manner. But he always humilates me. And when he is angry, he humilates me even more.

But in public, or in front of other family members we act to be very happy and respectful of eachother.

The fact is he yells on me everyday. And I cry for hours almost daily. Yelling seems to have become his habbit. He sometimes says me sorry. But when I cry, he yells even more.

 

I dont know if I need psychological help, or if he needs... Or if we both need to break up.

 

Kindly advice

 

It would be a wise decision to get yourself some professional help in terms of understanding that what you are enduring is abusive and why is it you are accepting it and hopefully ways to exit.

 

When you cry, a loving partner will empathize and try to comfort you and try to resolve whatever it is that is upsetting you -- but when a man yells at you even more when they see you crying, it is a sign of their contempt for you and your emotions because he doesn't care about you or how you feel. Emotions will not be tolerated.

 

He is the model husband infront of people because he has to upkeep his image but he can be WHO HE IS infront of you.

 

I would advise you to either talk to him again and suggest counseling, in that you are at the end of your rope or leave, at least for the sake of your child. Exposing your son to this long term will be detrimental.

[d0nnivain]

The Western answer is to walk away & don't look back.

 

 

However, since you married a man of your parents' choosing, I suspect you are not from a progressive Western culture. If that is true, start by talking to your parents. See what advice they can offer. Perhaps persuade your mother to go with you to talk to his mother. Your FIL may have done the same things to your MIL, which is where your husband learned to be like this. Your MIL may have some coping suggestions or she may be willing to intercede on your behalf.

 

 

At some point you may need psychology help to undo the emotional damage this bully is inflicting on you. You can't let your husband's tirades influence how your child sees marriage or the cycle will repeat.

 

 

best wishes.

[BaileyB]

You need to leave this man. His behavior is abusive.

 

It is NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE. And there is nothing you can do to fix it. The problem is with your husband.

 

Indeed, if you need counselling it will be to undo the damage your husband has done by treating you so unfairly.

 

Can you talk with your parents and would they support your decision to leave?

Edited November 30, 2017 by BaileyB

[marky00]

What? This is nuts. Someone shouldn't have to hold back their tears when they're upset just so as to not appear "weak" to their partner. Especially if it's him causing her to get upset by yelling at her.

 

Telling someone to stop being upset is easy, but it's not that straightforward, some of us get extremely triggered by angry behavior and yelling.

 

OP, I had a similar situation with my ex. He would yell and be verbally abusive when we fought, which would lead me to get upset and cry, and he'd get bothered by my tears and act even more mean. Giving me a hug or comforting me, or apologizing for making me upset was just not something he'd ever do. When our fighting got pretty bad, I often had to walk in eggshells because anything I said could trigger him to start acting that way.

 

I left the relationship two months ago, for various reasons, but definitely don't miss the verbally abusive fights. I'm going to be on the lookout for anger problems/temper issues in my next guy for sure, if I'm going to have a man yelling at me and making me feel diminished, I sure as hell would rather be alone.

 

wasn't necessarily advocating that she did it. I agree one should be who they are but I was stating a fact.

 

being upset and crying isn't working for her because as i said, most people just disrespect you more if you become weak in their eyes.

 

she has 3 options:

 

1) be herself and keep crying, leading to even more disrespect coming her way.

2) pack up and leave a relationship that she actually wants, never easy to do and she will most likely crack and make a fool of herself when doesn't follow through with it.

3) pull herself together somewhat and try to stop being so emotional. he won't pick on her so much when she shows she has good boundaries and loves herself. the relationship will still end eventually but at least she leaves it in the most dignified way.

 

using your words, i think someone would be "nuts" for choosing option 1, given the OP's situation.

 

being herself isn't working for her right now, so if she can't leave the relationship, she needs to change to some degree, as hard as that might be.

 

if she has the kahunas to leave the relationship and knows she can make that stick, then great, just leave.

Edited December 1, 2017 by marky00

[Just a Guy]

Hi Decimated Dreams, I am sorry to see that you are in the situation you have described. I live in a country where, what you have described, is a very common occurrence. Here the predominant attitude is of a patriarchal system of social dynamics and women are looked upon as inferior and more like the property of the husband than an equal. There have been massive changes in attitudes in the last couple of decades and in a certain section of society a much greater liberal attitude prevails and men and women are on a more or less equal footing. However large sections of our society are still mired in the old mind set. However, even with all the drawbacks we have our Parliament has passed a law known as the Domestic Violence Bill which governs the kind of behaviour that your husband is displaying. I do not know which country you belong to and reside in but if it has a similar law as we have, you could proceed against your husband based on the law, provided of course, that you had the support of your parents and family.

 

To me it seems your husband is unlikely to chang3 his behaviour patterns simply because such an attitude has been ingrained in him from childhood. I do not know if you have the educational qualifications to support yourself on your own with a small child, but if you are qualified to work you should move out and make a life for yourself on your own. I know this is easier said than done but if you have the support of your family you can do it. Warm wishes.

[sandylee1]

Do you work? Can uoiu support yourself financially or get help from family if you leave?

 

This relationship is not healthy. Your son will grow uo to see this as normal if you don't stop tolerating it.

 

If possible... can you get some time away from him. Stay with relatives for a couple of weeks and see how you feel about it with that time apart.

[grace4ever]

I’m very sorry that you are going through this situation. Even in the deepest darkness there’s always hope. Have you ever thought that is important to fight no the person but for your relationship? No marriage is perfect and that spouses experience difficulty in discovering things about their partners even after they become married to each other. When two persons get married each of them bring their own suitcase. The wounds that each of you bring from your families to marriage they will come out in daily. I encourage you do not judging him, try to understand him and be able to forgive him. Forgiveness does not mean that he is right but you appreciate more the relationship that you have with him and let go each other differences. That will bring you the peace that you are looking for Have you ever asked him the reasons why he resort to yelling you everyday? I’m hopefully both of you can restore your relationship first because when there’s love there’s always second chances, and always there’s hope. Counseling can be helpful to work through things like this. You and your husband are valuable and worth fighting for Please let me know if you want to find someone in your area. Even in the darkest moments there’s always hope. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.

[Froggi]

Leave. It is not the Dark Ages.

[Trail Blazer]

part in bold is key. it's basic human psychology. once you stop reacting and looking weak, this will stop.

 

I know it will be super hard and he will throw is A game at you once you start to make strong boundaries.

 

Stop crying and acting upset. If the behavior continues once your strong again, next plan would be to leave.

I couldn't possibly disagree with this any more if I tried. This guy is a bully! A verbally abusive bully who dominates his wife by triggering an emotional response in her through aggression. You can't turn it around and tell her he behaves this way because she's acting weak.

 

Without sounding patronizing, she's a woman. Some women are more emotional than others, but invariably you will make even the strongest woman react emotionally if the male who's supposed to love and protect her is yelling and being an emotionally abusive man.

 

I have married a very strong woman and in the past I haven't been perfect myself. We've had some nasty fights and on the odd occasion I have lost my cool and yelled at her. As I've gotten older I've managed to keep my own emotions in check, but prior to that my wife has gotten upset when I've yelled.

 

A normal man who sees his wife upset will stop immediately. Being right or wrong has nothing to do with it if, as a guy, you see your wife upset. Sometimes when my wife has goten upset I have stopped and just walked away and resumed discussing our issue later. You really don't get women for you to even think that crying is a sign of weakness.