smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 I know that I will be crucified for this.......but, the ex called and I answered. We are both feeling the same thing......funny thing is....the day he called, I had fought the urge to call him. strongest urge ever. What we concluded is that we love each other. That will never change. Right now, we are going to keep in touch as "friends". No expectations. He is too busy to be able to give me what I need now. He said that he loves me and always will and that we both know what we feel and the connection we had. He said that it killed him for me not to call him, but he knew that we would be ok someday. His life is being sorted out. His job is crazy and he has no time and i get that. He will finally be offically div this yr and that will be a relief for him. I guess for now, I see what happens. Try and live my life for me and if it is meant to be, it will be. During NC, I was a mess. I missed him and I know it is because we were meant to be. I feel it. Once his issues are over I think that things will get better. We talked yesterday and I he said when he is busy at work and cannot talk, i get upset so he would rather just be friends since he acknowledges that he cannot do this now. I told him that was best. He assured me there was no one else and that he had no time for anything but his child and his job. I belive him. I told him that he cannot expect me to wait. He said that he knew that, but knows in his heart where I will end up. So for now, we are friends. I was a wreck when he was not in my life and for the first time in a while, I feel ok w/ being friends with him. OK let me have it everyone! Am I entering a crazy situation? Or do you think if it is meant to be, it happens? Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 I think you know the answers beth, so im not even gonna comment. Thought you would know better by now. Link to post Share on other sites
cole Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 I second what Pippen said, However, I'm wondering (on all levels, both general and particular, actually!), what does "friends" mean, anyway? I think my interpretation of "friends" is much more, uh, exacting, than the ex I'm attempting to be friends with ... oh, who am I kidding? I KNOW it is! So, Beth, did you two discuss it at all? Do you know what he expects? Does he know what you expect? I'd love to know Beth's, and/or anyone's, thoughts on this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 Well our definition of it is just a state of being in each others life for now. We are LDR, so it is not like we hang out. Just talk and share our day and still remain in touch for now. For us, nothing happened for us to break up really. We never really broke up? He has too much going on and cannot have a GF now. Sometimes, I think "friends" is the nice way of saying I do not want this anymore, but in our case it is just "we both know right now is bad timing and we need cannot be together now, so friends is the only option til we can be more" We still say love you and all that, so I am not sure how friends is different than being together now that I think of it......it is just a label I guess. I know that a lot of you are disappointed in me, but at the end of the day, I have to follow my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeannie Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Same exact thing happened with me and my ex - and eventually we broke up again. It didn't work no matter how hard we wanted it to. Getting back together after a breakup just prolongs your agony. Make sure you keep your head on straight and ask yourself some strong questions before you rush back into his arms. The same problems will be there once again after all the la-la lovey dovey I miss you, I still love you stuff wears off and things become routine again. Problems resurface!!! Beware. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 As long as you know and settle for your place on his priority list, and are content with that - then enjoy what it is you have, for as long as you have it. Just keep your expectations very low, and don't think in terms of a 'future' with him. Match his pace and try to keep your emotions from him as much as possible - because you don't have a lot of room there to push him. You absolutely have to keep your expectations as low as they can go in a situation like this - and understand that your sticking around in this relationship is your idea, and he is more or less just agreeing to it. That means you pretty much have to sit quietly and contentedly on that back burner and wait for him to make all the moves. Let him do all the calling and contacting. I have a feeling if you put forth any effort whatsoever to get your needs met in this "friendship" - including calling and contacting him whenever you feel like talking to him, it will do nothing but push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
cole Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 try to keep your emotions from him as much as possible - because you don't have a lot of room there to push him ... You absolutely have to keep your expectations as low as they can go in a situation like this - and understand that your sticking around in this relationship is your idea, and he is more or less just agreeing to it. That means you pretty much have to sit quietly and contentedly on that back burner and wait for him to make all the moves. Let him do all the calling and contacting. Lucretia, that's one frighteningly true statement ya got there! Reminds me of that old fave "children should be seen but not heard." However, in this case, it's not "children" ... and I find the saying stomach-churning, in any event! If any of my "friends" put me in that position I'd doubtless call any one of them a million other names, but it would not be "friend." But, OF COURSE, my ex puts me in this position all the time ... though I have yet to take on my role "properly." I'm demoted and promoted from witch to confidante on a weekly basis. YUCK. It's that whole expectations thing. If you expect nothing from someone, then what do they have to do to keep the friendship afloat? NOTHING. They've got it easy. All of you for nothing of themselves. And whenever you don't hear from them, you'll expect the worst, since that's all you can safely expect from them in the first place. ACK! Well said Lucretia. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Oh Beth... I'll respond to this later. I thought that you were getting over this guy.... Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 He is too busy to be able to give me what I need now. He said that he loves me and always will and that we both know what we feel and the connection we had. He said that it killed him for me not to call him, but he knew that we would be ok someday. OK let me have it everyone! Am I entering a crazy situation? Or do you think if it is meant to be, it happens? It sounds as if he was pretty confident that things weren't over between the two of you ("he knew that we would be ok someday"). Some people have a knack of making you feel that low self esteem truly is a virtue (especially if it makes their life easier). They make you feel as if you're the perfect woman for making no demands and hiding your needs. Or they might even go one better and expect you to deliver an Oscar worthy performance to demonstrate (for the benefit of other people) that the situation is exactly what you want too. Commitment phobia packaged in an acceptable form for the politically aware, feminism-supporting man. If you ARE going to start this up again, then I think it would be a very good idea to identify a reputable counsellor to help you figure out what it is you're getting from this situation. Meantime I hope the fact that you've got back in touch with him won't stop you from posting if and when you need a bit of support. Link to post Share on other sites
ButtonPusher Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Ok i'm going to go against the consensus here. I dont know the full story beth, but maybe everyone here should be asking why this guy is still clinging to beth. It doesnt sound like its for sex, as it sounds like you two dont see each other very often. Nor does it sound like he's tried other chicks and wants to keep his ex on the backburner. By the sounds of it his life does sound a bit chaotic at the moment, and handling an intimate relationship is maybe too much for him at the moment. But deep down he knows how he feels about you. We all know its tough to stay in touch with someone you still have strong feelings for, so only you can decide beth if accepting that torture until his life is sorted, is something you can handle. I say, if you can take the pain then do it, otherwise bail out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 YUCK. It's that whole expectations thing. If you expect nothing from someone, then what do they have to do to keep the friendship afloat? NOTHING. They've got it easy. All of you for nothing of themselves. And whenever you don't hear from them, you'll expect the worst, since that's all you can safely expect from them in the first place. ACK! Oh my how true this is!!!!!! During this time, I am trying so hard to not expect a thing! Truly. I have tried this before with him and thought we were friends, but acted together and that was horrible. I am also going to figure out why it is that my happiness would depend on him. I am going back to a counselor once I am past my 90 days at work for insurance. It is a tough thing to handle. (his work) He sent me his schedule for the rest of 2005 and 2006 and I already know that he will be so busy. That is him and that is his life. Luckily, he is talking about wanting a "normal" life again. 9-5 job. I have been waiting for him to see this on his own. Not once did I push this thought since I knew how important his job was. But he is getting to the point where he sees he has no life aside from his job. That is a good thing. I was not happy getting over him. NOt at all did my sadness fade. I realize that the lovey dovey stuff will fade. But as long as I do not ecpect anything......I think it will not be so bad. Thanks everyone for your posts! Link to post Share on other sites
sanne Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 i think it's impossible to keep your expectations low in a situation like this. i mean of course beth is going to be devastated again if this situation does not pan out how she wants it to. she's imagining that he will come back to her and things will be as they once were. i really think you should have stayed away from this guy and never answered his phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 It is impossible to keep one's expectations that low. But, if someone knowingly chooses to be in a situation like this, the best you can do is offer advice on how to cope with that choice. In this case, coping means having zero expectations, putting your hope on hold, and hiding your emotions from someone who is sure to leave the minute you dare show them. The best one can hope for is that these low expectations DO NOT become the new benchmark in relationships - basically it would be the emotional equivalent of taking arsenic for one's health. You can take small doses every day and not die, but over time you will accumulate so much poison that your body becomes accustomed to it, adapts to it and your 'normal' becomes nothing more than a perpetual state of adjusted-to pain. Hopefully you will not lose sight of what happiness is, and the capacity for it in this emotionally poisoned state. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 I have to admit.....it is hard to drop my expectations...........after 3 yrs of being with him.......it feels weird to stop before I want to call him and ask myself........"now if you call him, and he does not reply ASAP, you cannot be upset" Saying that to myself and doing it are two diff things! I just decided to not even call. I guess I should pretend that I am just going on with my life.....and act as if we never had that conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I just decided to not even call. I guess I should pretend that I am just going on with my life.....and act as if we never had that conversation. That's fantastic, Beth. You're doing great. Next step won't be pretending that you're getting on with life. It will be...getting on with life Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 It is a weird feeling I must say? (to not call him) I no longer have that fear or have that nagging thought in my mind"oh does he hate me? Why won't he talk to me, etc" I just kinda can live and he is not on my mind 24-7 anymore.Now that my questions are answered. I think that this may be a good way for me to stop focusing on him and seeing that he really is not a huge part of my life anyway. After seeing his work schedule on Friday, I can pretty much see that no time soon will he ever be who he ised to be(as far as time). I think that is helping me move on too. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 I think it is time to move on BETH5201, you know that as well as I do. No one is that busy in their life to make time for a special someone. And the whole LDR thing, you know my opinion on those already. But, my one recommendation is that if you do ever want to get him back then do not do the "friends" thing. Commence total NC.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 alpha-it is not so much the fact that he does not have time....he could make time.......it is that he has admitted he cannot give me what I need right now where he is in life and by him not calling so much, he feels he is not leading me on. If he were to call more, then I would expect it, and then get back into this mess. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 alpha-it is not so much the fact that he does not have time....he could make time.......it is that he has admitted he cannot give me what I need right now then u need to move on and don't do the friends thing either... Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 I plan on doing this......like Iposted a little earlier, it seems a lot easier to move on knowing that he does not hate me(as I thought before) I just really have to look at him like he seems to be looking at me "one day maybe it will work" I want to date others....just have to find them! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I want to date others....just have to find them! that's a good idea to date others just dont' get into another LDR....my opinion is that many folks who get into LDRs don't want a real commitment (subconciously) and they on purpose pick people that live far away so that it can never get too serious. not saying this is your case but you should evaluate why you were in a LDR with someone who was too "busy" for you. good luck alpha Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Share Posted August 21, 2005 it is kinda funny you say that...I am so used to doing things alone and being independent I am sure that if I do start to date, I will feel smothered at first. It will take a lot to get used to. I do not plan on dating anyone unless they live in my state!!!!!! OR even zip code! Link to post Share on other sites
seattlelawgl Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 Beth, I'm in kind of the same boat. My boyfriend whom I was with for a year and a half (and lived with for the half) broke up with me six weeks ago. He said that he came to the realization that he couldn't give me what I wanted (marriage and kids). I left that day and commenced NC. Two weeks ago, he texted me several times (without response) and then asked if he could take me out on a date. I responded, went out on the date. He told me that he was confused and wasn't sure what he wanted. The contact felt great, we talked like we had used to and I felt very close to him. During the time we were talking, I started thinking if I could be friends with him while he "thought about things." My test of "friendship" was this: what would my response be if I heard that he had met/was dating someone else. The thought of having to deal with those emotions while pretending that was ok just pissed me off. That is when I knew that maintaining contact, could potentially devestate me again. I explained to him that although I missed him terribly, for my own sanity I could not continue to be friends with him in the near future. And that when and if he "figured things out" he should contact me, and if I was still available, we could then talk about resuming some sort of relationship. My point? Think of the potential things that could happen while you are maintaining a "friends" status and if you can handle those things without hurting your progress. If you really think things will work out, NC will not hurt that, it will only help you keep your mind (instead of losing it!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 You are right....it was all fie and dandy two days ago when he called and now that I think about it more and it is processing, it is almost too hard for me to do this. I still love him and you are right, if it is meant to be, he will find me one day when he is ready. I am all confused again. ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 22, 2005 Author Share Posted August 22, 2005 ok scratch all I said....you all were right...I cannot be his friend!!!!!! I am sick right now. I am going back to NC....at least then I had nothing to think about new and worry about!!!!! I hate this feeling! I was so happy for a whole day! WOW How am I ever going to be happy again.....I just want to cry. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts