LilKit Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 I moved out recently (living with my boyfriend two time zones away now) and I enjoy my space from my overbearing parents. In the past, they've constantly put me down as some ineffective, twisted form of motivation tactic, attempted to financially manipulate me, always treated me like a child even at 22 years old by not letting me go out any later than 10pm, and constantly told me that I'm not capable of living and adult life. I should mention that by parents I mean my mother and step father. I used to be very resentful towards them but moving out gave me some room to breathe and the anger is slowly dissipating and I even enjoy talking to them occasionally. However, my mother is still overbearing, in the sense that she still expects me to call her everyday, give her a good morning text, give her a good night text, and quite frankly I don't want to do any of that. For me, I can only stomach talking to them every once in a while (that's what my real father and I do and our relationship is much better than my mom and I) whenever I complain that I don't want to talk everyday, my mother gets very defensive. At this point, I just let her text me and I give her a minimal response in hopes that she gives up eventually. I think what makes contacting her so taxing is just the fact that we don't see eye to eye on anything. Religion, life style, conspiracy theories (which I'll get into that just for laughs) An example of our talks includes me telling her about my phone bill and me thinking about changing my carrier. She changes the subject to how I should take a tax course (which I hear her out I'm just not going to because I don't want to) and then she somehow changes the subject again to how the government has a machine that can create hurricanes. I feel like I'm talking to a crazy person. My parents also think that every time I disagree with them that I just don't understand and I can't think for myself. For example, I don't think there's enough evidence to say that vaccines cause autism. Not only are they convinced of it, they think that I have high-functioning autism because of vaccines (than again they only brought it up once or twice, maybe they don't think that anymore). They sound crazier each day and I don't know if I even want my future children to be around them if it continues. Don't get me wrong they're sane when it comes to finances, but Jesus! This is why I don't like talking to them. Not only that my mom still tries to manipulate me financially. She doesn't pay for any of my things but it when I was in college, I couldn't let my roommates have people over and when I stood my ground and said it was her right and that I agreed to let her have friends over, she threatened to cut me off. She proceeded to make threats like that whenever I got to stubborn for her liking and now she does it by saying "if you don't do such and such, I won't give you any gifts or money". I could care less honestly, I can buy my own things but the fact that she tries this puts me off. I honest to God don't want to hurt her feelings but I feel like I'm on the verge of saying something hurtful. I don't know what else to do other than keep waiting until she runs out of energy. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 Some people think that just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7 we have the obligation to be in touch that often. Offer your mother a compromise -- say 1 phone call per week provided she is not hateful, dismissive or condescending. Then stick to that agreement. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilKit Posted November 30, 2017 Author Share Posted November 30, 2017 My mother likes getting her way and she uses my step father to team up against me. She doesn't understand that she can't keep doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Personally, if you are not dependant on her, I think it's time for mom to learn you are an adult, and the relationship will be on your terms not just hers. She sounds completely over bearing and personally I can't put up with that illogical conspiracy nonsense. Shows a lack of reasoning skills and rational thought. So I would say mom, I love you, but I am an adult and so not need to answer to you like a child. We will talk on Wednesdays after work, that's what works best for me. When dealing controlling people, you have to take back control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 She will get used to it. Just stand your ground, respond to her texts (but not right away and not all day long) and stick to once or twice a week phone calls, maybe when you're in the car on the way somewhere so you have an excuse to get off the phone. One plea I have is to not keep your future kids from her. This behavior is destructive and would destroy her. I'm experiencing this in my own family right now and it's awful, all because of religious differences . It's heartbreaking. OK, off my soapbox . Good for you for moving away and becoming independent. Do you have siblings? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Everyday is a bit much... I would settle on a compromise.. I'm in my 50's and I have always called my Mom once to twice a week.. she lives in another state so visiting is harder than a call... most calls last like 10-15 mins and I normally call her from the car when driving home from work. BTW, moving out on your own doesn't mean you neglect the relationship you have with your parents.. in other words.. moving out isn't a license to ignore them and never speak to them except at like holidays... If I were you I would do the once a week call.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 When I moved out I didn't want or need my mom and she was a wreck. I didn't understand how hard it was for her. When I got married, I called to get recipes and for tips to get out laundry stains When I had my first child, I called her every single day. (If the technology were there, she probably would have blocked me, at least temporarily. ) I grew out of it and we talk by choice 3 times a week for about an hour each call My MIL blows up my phone all day. It drives me nuts. I answer when I want to. I feel bad for ignoring her. She just wants an hourly report. She's lonely. My kids don't call often enough. And they often ignore my texts. I feel like my MIL sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 When I moved out I didn't want or need my mom and she was a wreck. I didn't understand how hard it was for her. When I got married, I called to get recipes and for tips to get out laundry stains When I had my first child, I called her every single day. (If the technology were there, she probably would have blocked me, at least temporarily. ) I grew out of it and we talk by choice 3 times a week for about an hour each call My MIL blows up my phone all day. It drives me nuts. I answer when I want to. I feel bad for ignoring her. She just wants an hourly report. She's lonely. My kids don't call often enough. And they often ignore my texts. I feel like my MIL sometimes. I sometimes feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my mother or call her enough, although I am online all day long for work and we chat off and on via gmail or FB chat. But she truly does not understand how busy I am as a single mom, self employed, because she's never had to do it. She raised two kids and didn't work because my dad made plenty of money. Her busy days are when she has a chiropractor appointment and a hair appointment on the same day. And now my only sibling moved across the country leaving me "here" alone with her so it's added pressure. One more reason why I don't have time to date. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Your mom sounds a little wacky, to be honest, but I'm sure this is a big adjustment for her. Her little baby has moved far away and she just wants to make sure you're okay. Humor her a little, for a little while until she gets more used to not seeing/speaking to you everyday. I'd say, for now, respond to texts once per day. At night before you go to sleep is a good strategy. Briefly address whatever she's texted you about, then finish off that text with, "Going to bed now. Goodnight!" so she won't expect to have a conversation with you. Or you could go with, "Sorry, can't text right now. I'll call you this weekend." Call her once or twice per week, but you can set some boundaries as far as acceptable topics. Tell her you don't want to talk about the government, politics, religion, or controversies (or whatever) and you'd rather only talk about pleasant things. If she brings these things up, say, "Mom, I don't care about vaccines and I don't want to talk about this. How's Aunt Sally?" You steer the conversation. And you can always politely excuse yourself and hang up if the conversation is going in an uncomfortable direction. You can slowly taper down the contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 You seem to be handling it just fine. Contact her when YOU want to contact her, when she texts you, answer as you deem appropriate. You are in charge of how you contact her, since you live so far away. It sounds like she needs to focus her energy on something other than you. Link to post Share on other sites
eyeteachscience Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 I totally get how you are feeling and how complicated this is. It took me a serious amount of years to fully escape, evade and ignore all of the manipulations my mother used on me, money being among many strategies, all including guilt of some kind or another. I know you don't want to hurt her (their) feelings, but setting boundaries will actually help you to shift the nature of the relationship, in my experience. We are all unique. I ended up taking almost a 3 year break from my mom, but ultimately, we had a decent relationship the last 3 years of her life, pretty much because I chose to relax and just love her around the edges and spend only the amount of time I could tolerate on the phone or visiting. Emotional distance will be your friend in this. You cannot control her actions, but you can absolutely put time and distance between you when you are hurting. Keeping you and this situation in my prayers. Keep up the good fight. The more you regain of your power, the more of yourself you will also regain. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 My mother likes getting her way and she uses my step father to team up against me. She doesn't understand that she can't keep doing that. Simply tell her what you're willing to do and stick to that! If she calls - don't answer. Call her on the designated day. If she tries making you feel bad about it - remind her that this is what you're willing to do. She will eventually get used to you creating distance to grow up. Stick to your plan - she will adjust. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 i'd give anything to talk to mom again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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