The Cliff...

[TrustedthenBusted]

So I had a conversation with my wife the other day. It had been awhile since the subject of her infidelity came up, so it sort of took me by surprise. Hence my floating around here a little bit more recently... Anyway, here's what happened.

 

Out of nowhere the other day she says.. " Do you love me as much as you did before 'the incident' ( pause here... I HATE when she calls it the incident, but whatever. ) I thought about my answer and told her that I loved her, and to me, it's either something I do, or I don't, and I do.

 

Then she asked me if I would ever "fully come back [to her] even though I know I don't deserve it. "

 

My mind was immediately flooded with thoughts. Is she looking for something comforting? Is she seeking some platitude? Is this a martyr play? Hmmmm...

 

I asked her to give me a minute to come up with an analogy, because that's how I best communicate.

 

Finally I told her.... No. I won't ever come back to you. What you did drove me to the edge of sanity. It took me to the limit of what I can learn to accept. It was by far the most I have ever been hurt, and the worst I have ever been treated by another human being in my entire life. It drove me to the edge to the point where I felt like I am standing on the ledge of a cliff, where it would take just the slightest puff to push me over.

 

So no. I won't come back and love you. But what I WILL do, is ask you to come out on that cliff ledge and love ME. And I will spend the rest of my life with you... but not back in the false safety of the valley. It's gotta be out here on the ledge.

 

She cried. I waited. Wondering how she was going to take my answer. I was prepared for anything, including " I can't do that."

 

 

But what she finally said was " I am so sorry I put you out there. I hate that I did that, and picturing you standing out there hurts so bad. And I understand what you mean by the "slightest puff of wind." So yes, I'm happy to live with you for the rest of my life, even if it's out on the ledge of a cliff. Because we aren't going to fall.

 

It was at once the corniest conversation we've ever had, and the most sincere. Normally she hates my analogies, but this one hit bone I guess.

 

 

Anyway, I bring it up to see if it works for anyone else. I'm 8 years after the fact, and not really hurting or anything like that. I've accepted it, and understand that it's just one of those things that eventually happens to just about everybody.

 

But it DID put me out on a ledge that I don't think I will ever return from. I'm not angry, or afraid, or even worried. I've just accepted that I'm as safe on that ledge than I ever was back in the valley, which is to say not truly safe at all, and I only wish I had that perspective going in. Might have helped prevent what happened.

 

Happy Holidays Y'all.

Edited December 1, 2017 by TrustedthenBusted

[Mr Blunt]

 

I have a few more years than you do in R and some things fell off the cliff. Those things are:

 

 

1 I used to believe that she would always have my back

2 I used to believe that she would never reject me and replace me

3 I used to believe that she would always have my best interest at heart with actions.

4 I used to believe that she was very strong in integrity and commitments

All that fell off the cliff

 

 

 

What did not fall off the cliff:

1 That we had some very good times and still do on occasions

2 That our personalities match pretty well

3 We have three children that love us and we love them and we are very close with them and the grandchildren

4 Our financial security is now secure

5 We still have a degree of love for each other but not like the first 15 years of marriage.

 

 

I guess the best way to put it is that I have settled for less but there is enough left that I have a good life most of the time.

[BMI03]

So I had a conversation with my wife the other day. It had been awhile since the subject of her infidelity came up, so it sort of took me by surprise. Hence my floating around here a little bit more recently... Anyway, here's what happened.

 

Out of nowhere the other day she says.. " Do you love me as much as you did before 'the incident' ( pause here... I HATE when she calls it the incident, but whatever. ) I thought about my answer and told her that I loved her, and to me, it's either something I do, or I don't, and I do.

 

Then she asked me if I would ever "fully come back [to her] even though I know I don't deserve it. "

 

My mind was immediately flooded with thoughts. Is she looking for something comforting? Is she seeking some platitude? Is this a martyr play? Hmmmm...

 

I asked her to give me a minute to come up with an analogy, because that's how I best communicate.

 

Finally I told her.... No. I won't ever come back to you. What you did drove me to the edge of sanity. It took me to the limit of what I can learn to accept. It was by far the most I have ever been hurt, and the worst I have ever been treated by another human being in my entire life. It drove me to the edge to the point where I felt like I am standing on the ledge of a cliff, where it would take just the slightest puff to push me over.

 

So no. I won't come back and love you. But what I WILL do, is ask you to come out on that cliff ledge and love ME. And I will spend the rest of my life with you... but not back in the false safety of the valley. It's gotta be out here on the ledge.

 

She cried. I waited. Wondering how she was going to take my answer. I was prepared for anything, including " I can't do that."

 

 

But what she finally said was " I am so sorry I put you out there. I hate that I did that, and picturing you standing out there hurts so bad. And I understand what you mean by the "slightest puff of wind." So yes, I'm happy to live with you for the rest of my life, even if it's out on the ledge of a cliff. Because we aren't going to fall.

 

It was at once the corniest conversation we've ever had, and the most sincere. Normally she hates my analogies, but this one hit bone I guess.

 

 

Anyway, I bring it up to see if it works for anyone else. I'm 8 years after the fact, and not really hurting or anything like that. I've accepted it, and understand that it's just one of those things that eventually happens to just about everybody.

 

But it DID put me out on a ledge that I don't think I will ever return from. I'm not angry, or afraid, or even worried. I've just accepted that I'm as safe on that ledge than I ever was back in the valley, which is to say not truly safe at all, and I only wish I had that perspective going in. Might have helped prevent what happened.

 

Happy Holidays Y'all.

 

This his a cord today, given a hard conversation I had last night. It was related to having to confront something now based on a lack of trust that had been created by events of the past. I am sure to my wife it was out of the blue and an example of her thinking the world is good again, but being given a quick reminder back into the world of mistrust that she had created in me.

 

Most of the time it's good, and I feel safe. But like you put it, that cliff is there. Your wife's answer is the best that could be hoped for. And I hope it gave the best reassurance that is possible when trust has been impacted so badly.

 

Thank you for sharing.

[mercy]

TrustedandBusted, that was beautiful!

 

Happy Holidays to you too!

[BluesPower]

TtB...

 

I hope that you guys are as happy as possible. And everyone else that chose to reconcile.

 

For me, never again. My STBXW broke me in two. If she had the understanding that your wife did, she might not be living in a rent house now. I, at one point, would have loved for her to say something like that to me.

 

But she never did. She was and I don't think ever will be self aware enough to understand what she did to someone that loved her so much.

 

But it put me on a cliff, as far as relationships go. All GF's, get one and only one chance. Blow it and we are done. STBXW has left a lot of broke hearts in the wake of what she did to me.

 

I will never be the same... I am super happy being away from her though, so there is that.

[JohnAdams]

A good analogy to represent the aftermath of an affair. Another analogy I remember reading from another forum is that your WS put a sack of heavy rocks on your back that you forever have to carry. Is your WS willing to help you carry that bag of rocks?

[merrmeade]

I've accepted it, and understand that it's just one of those things that eventually happens to just about everybody.

I loved everything you said except this. I don't think it's that prevalent and I especially don't think that it just "happens" or that every affair is as bad as every other. Some waywards are closer to normal and able to genuinely recognize the sellfish, delusional thinking that drove them there.

 

For others, there's no hope they'll ever take full ownership or develop the capacity for self-reflection, deep compassion and integrity on all levels in life. If they don't accept the necessity of exposure and insist on squeaking by with partial amends to one person while everyone else thinks they're Super Spouse, that is different and almost insurmountable for the betrayed.

 

It was very sobering to read yours and JohnAdams' redactions of love and marriage in reconciliation - and two of the few really good Rs I'd read about. That puts mine in some other category altogether.

 

Monday I stopped taking Wellbutrin and I could tell my husband thought it was some kind of milestone that lets him further off the hook. He's not responsible for my problems any more, right? He even had the audacity to express an opinion about the dangers of long-term use of antidepressants, not even realizing that I know that the only reason he knows anything about it is because of OW's problems with depression.

 

Anyway, my point is that it's sobering to realize that even good reconciliations with waywards who continue to be humble, accountable and committed are still forever compromised and never as good as the wayward hopes and tries to think it is.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I loved everything you said except this. I don't think it's that prevalent and I especially don't think that it just "happens" or that every affair is as bad as every other.

 

I completely agree that it doesn't just "happen" and in most cases is either a sign of bigger marital problem, bigger personal problems, or the eventual manifestation of some serious character flaws.... OR some combination of all three. And in my opinion, affairs run the gamut from awful, to absolutely tragic. I've read some stories on here that I can't believe didn't end in murder. Hell... many do.

 

I do however stand by my assertion that it is something that affects just about everyone in some way at some point. Not always in a marriage, but in other relationships. I mean the number of people admit it or who get CAUGHT is enormous. Imagine the number who got away with it. Gotta be huge.

 

To me, this isn't necessarily bad news. It's actually helpful. One of the worst feelings I had was feeling like the only person in the world this had ever happened to. Understanding that it's a story as old as time, and one just about everyone can actually relate to was supremely helpful. There is a reason practically every TV show or movie touches on it.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

That resonates with me. One of the analogies that I told me wife was Humpty Dumpty. Her affair broke me. Over the years I've put myself back together again, but there will be parts of me that will always be broken. Some things can't be "fixed".

[BarbedFenceRider]

You guys got me all up in the feels. I am soo sorry for your pain. Really, I am reading this and it just hurts. It hurts for the betrayed. It hurts for the betrayer looking for redemption. Most of all, it hurts the love that two people once had for each other. Blunt- I am so sorry. Blues- You are an inspiration but I too see your pain.

I for one had a close call this year in my marriage, that led me here to LS. We are good for now, but reading for many weeks has given me stock of my life. I look in the mirror every morning and wonder, what if...Having my past, dealing with that pain is not I would wish on anyone. God bless you all.

[Striver]

Trusted, your post resonated with me.

 

I was pushed off the cliff by my ex (she left me for another man.) I have never criticized those who reconcile. I know it is difficult, though I never had a chance to work on anything in my own marriage. But it is either that or the alternative.

 

If any of us are fine living alone or playing the field, I guess it's not so bad. If it's not, that leaves new people. Yes, they are different people, but I find it difficult to bond deep down. The common children won't be there, I'm older now, less willing to do it all over again, and I have little faith that someone else won't walk away should she choose to, or much desire to prevent it.

 

So good luck with your journey. We all gotta work with what we get...