Journeybehindyoureye Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Hey I just registered for this site because I need somewhere to release my thoughts. Not necessarily looking for advice but I guess support or commiseration would be nice. I thought I was pretty much moved on from my ex but I’m really not. Certain things have brought him up in my mind recently, and I accidentally came across some old pictures, etc... I feel wistful for the good times but sguilty and mad at myself for feeling that way. I think about the bad times and the ****ty way the relationship ended, and it hurts... and yet I still love this person, against my better judgement. I was listening to music and ended up looking at the lyrics of a song and realizing just how perfectly they fit my feelings. So I sobbed along to it, listening to it a couple times, and thought to myself man I’d like to learn this on the piano and sing along to it. So I watched some piano covers... and then I remembered my ex playing the piano. This specific memory where he was playing my piano while I was cleaning or something, and when I heard it, well... the feeling is indescribable. The notes, the expression he played with,,, it was just something he had loosely composed himself but it was so beautiful, and so vulnerable, and I think that’s honestly the most vulnerable he’s ever expressed himself. Simply through playing that. My heart swelled and I think that somewhere during my listening was the moment that I was truly and completely in love with him. His song seemed to bare his soul and I wanted to give mine to him. He had my heart, he had all of me. I remember walking into the room while he played and kissing him and just wanting to... fall into him? I don’t know how to explain. The experience went beyond language. It was like I felt my soul intertwining with his and I was transcending my own body, fusing with him... I hadn’t remembered this in a while. And remembering it now is so painful, because I can feel the same swelling in my heart as I remember how I felt back then. But that’s all gone now. So there’s a pain in my heart now instead. The relationship was so intense and complicated and messy and it ended up being unhealthy, yes, but there was so much beauty in it. Especially in those first months. He will always have a special place in my heart and what hurts the most is that he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. We never had any proper closure and it’s really hard to cope with that. I’m trying to keep moving forward with my life but it’s hard when I don’t have any other partners and memories of him still invade my consciousness. And these good/loving memories are the hardest to cope with... I can’t help but yearn for us to eventually come together to have a meaningful conversation about everything. He seems like he won’t be ready for that thought until many more months, or years or even never. Maybe in another life... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Me Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Sometimes we miss the good feelings and not the person themselves even though the feeling are associated with said person. I struggle with that a lot. I liked being married and I like being in a relationship and I want that again, hopefully this time really forever but all you can really do is life the way you want too and wait it out. Link to post Share on other sites
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