I can't get out of my defeatist/victim mentality with dating

[CosmicG8]

We aren't making the process too simple. You are making it to complicated.

 

What obstacles are in your way in a bar? Her friends? They are not obstacles. they are her friends. Women like confident men. Just say hi. Don't be all "hey baby" about it. Smarmy is bad but would you like to dance is OK.

 

 

At the gym smile. That's it. Just smile. After a few weeks of smiles then you get to a hello. Then you progress to a real conversation. The gym is tough though.

 

 

If bars don't work for you, try meet up groups or networking events.

 

 

meetup groups are sausagefests from what I've seen and heard

 

I wonder if online dating is my best bet- I can filter out the ladies who are not in shape or who have kids or who are smokers and see what their interests are and what their career is but I know what I want on those sites is receiving so many messages a day it would make my head spin. How am I going to stand out among that gigantic group of men?

 

and I go to bars with friends too but my friends want to help me to meet someone. Most women go to bars with friends who will cockblock and sabotage me like you wouldn't believe lol

[GemmaUK]

never happens with anybody halfway decent

 

If no woman checking you out from afar is attractive to you then either you aren't opening your eyes and looking around or you are just not on the attractiveness level you claim to be.

Or, it's your mannerisms.

 

Women do the walkabout in bars and social settings and we - if possible walk past a guy we are attracted to, will smile, look him in the eye etc. If he gives way we thank him and smile.

If he sticks around in said place (and doesn't later become some arrogant type or look awkward, too much peacocking or stilted and still, miserable looking) we continue doing it and if all goes good on both sides we'll likely chat.

 

If that isn't happening something is off and the common denominator is you.

 

To be honest, you come over here stating you are very good looking, make loads of money, are a great person so you say.

Those things won't attract me to a man.

The reason can be as simple as that attitude can seep out and if it does it reeks pretty badly. Also though you sound quite insecure too- maybe that comes over.

 

Change your attitude and your behaviour will change. Maybe that is the key here. Try some therapy for a start.

[Chilli]

l dunno , you've got plenty going for you that's for sure and there's nothing wrong with wanting your equivalent. Most women talk way above their league

Forget about the older ones , they're always bolder and trying their luck.

doesn't mean anything, the decent younger ones are just more dignified about things so you probably just don't realize.

 

They might not even look at you , hell they might even pretend and look the other way, but you'd probably get a nice surprise if you start talking to them.

Not every girl throws themselves at a guy first matter of fact l've always found the opposite with the sorta girl l go for and l really like that.

l like a girl with self respect and that old school quality.

 

You got a good social circle but there is one other thing l'm thinking and l use to find this a lot, the ones you would go for might even feel a touch intimidated , l dunno how to explain it and maybe that's the wrong word , but like l said , you'd probably get a nice surprise if you talk her , just don't expect her to throw herself at you first.

Your the guy , there are still some girls around that do things the old fashion way and expect you to do the work ,that's a good thing, she'll be well worth it.

 

l'm thinking when you come across someone you really like , just talk to her and if you still like her give it a go, ask her out or her number or whatever.

l think you'll find a different story to what you've been thinking. l always did.

Edited December 1, 2017 by Chilli

[CosmicG8]

l dunno , you've got plenty going for you that's for sure and there's nothing wrong with wanting your equivalent. Most women talk way above their league

Forget about the older ones , they're always bolder and trying their luck.

doesn't mean anything, the decent younger ones are just more dignified about things so you probably just don't realize.

 

They might not even look at you , hell they might even pretend and look the other way, but you'd probably get a nice surprise if you start talking to them.

Not every girl throws themselves at a guy first matter of fact l've always found the opposite with the sorta girl l go for and l really like that.

l like a girl with self respect and that old school quality.

 

You got a good social circle but there is one other thing l'm thinking and l use to find this a lot, the ones you would go for might even feel a touch intimidated , l dunno how to explain it and maybe that's the wrong word , but like l said , you'd probably get a nice surprise if you talk her , just don't expect her to throw herself at you first.

Your the guy , there are still some girls around that do things the old fashion way and expect you to do the work ,that's a good thing, she'll be well worth it.

 

l'm thinking when you come across someone you really like , just talk to her and if you still like her give it a go, ask her out or her number or whatever.

l think you'll find a different story to what you've been thinking. l always did.

 

I do wonder if I come across as a little intimidating. I have a very masculine look - square jaw with heavy facial stubble, look like a football player in the body. Do women get the wrong idea of me? I am not arrogant at all and I'm the farthest thing from a player.

 

I would absolutely destroy it at a gay bar lol. Gay men go crazy for me, but straight dating is rather horrific

[d0nnivain]

meetup groups are sausagefests from what I've seen and heard

 

I wonder if online dating is my best bet- I can filter out the ladies who are not in shape or who have kids or who are smokers and see what their interests are and what their career is but I know what I want on those sites is receiving so many messages a day it would make my head spin. How am I going to stand out among that gigantic group of men?

 

and I go to bars with friends too but my friends want to help me to meet someone. Most women go to bars with friends who will cockblock and sabotage me like you wouldn't believe lol

 

 

Then you are going to the wrong meet ups. The ones I went to were 75% women.

 

 

I suspect you are missing certain signals when you are around women. I played wing-woman for a dear guy friend of mine. He was (is) super fit -- a marathon runner & ironman competitor; with a great high paying job; handsome face; awesome head of hair; nice guy; fair conversationalist (he is shy / introverted so it takes him a while). Like you all I ever heard was I can't meet women. Kept telling me no women would give him the time of day. Mostly when we went out it was in a work group & people would focus on colleagues. These weren't pick up bars so one day I said, let's go out out to a bar & see what's what. We got there & I watched the heads of at least a dozen women turn when he walked in. Two were pushy enough to hit on him with me standing right there. After we were served our drinks I asked what he saw when he looked around. He replied that all he saw was another bar where no women were interested. Seriously, he missed all the turned heads AND the two that talked to him. So clueless. I literally hit him upside the head (lightly & in jest but still . . . ). Then I went back to the two brave ones & "picked up" a few more for him to talk to. He left that bar with numbers for 6 different women. He's been happily married for almost 2 decades now. He still can't tell when a woman is hitting on him, which amuses his wife & I to no end.

 

 

My advice -- ditch the buddies & find a wing woman, even if she's your sister.

[GemmaUK]

Chiili's post and then yours after OP..

 

Yeah, you are of the square jaw intimidating variety.

 

This is not something I am attracted to and never have been .

 

There are ways to soften it.

If you want to. I can suggest some things for sure.

 

Your 'look' is attractive only to certain women, not the majority.

I know, I'm 48 and a woman, we talk now and then about who we find attractive.

[elaine567]

Most women go to bars with friends who will cockblock and sabotage me like you wouldn't believe lol

 

If women are doing that, then you are probably giving off a vibe that women do not like, so they are preventing you from being successful with their friends.

 

There must be something inherently wrong here, because men who are good "catches" are very attractive to many many women, good looking or not.

Edited December 1, 2017 by elaine567

[d0nnivain]

I do wonder if I come across as a little intimidating. I have a very masculine look - square jaw with heavy facial stubble, look like a football player in the body. Do women get the wrong idea of me? I am not arrogant at all and I'm the farthest thing from a player.

 

 

Maybe. My husband is incredibly good looking. When I first laid eyes on him in a bar I thought he was a Player. That was OK with me. I was looking for a player because I wanted to have fun, nothing serious. Instead we got married.

 

 

When we talked about dating experiences he said that women often wouldn't talk to him. Several even accused him of being a player within minutes of meeting him. My husband couldn't be a player even if you gave him instructions.

 

 

There is a sub-set of women who think all good looking guys only want one thing & that they change bed partners faster that some people change their socks.

[GemmaUK]

My husband couldn't be a player even if you gave him instructions.

 

I love this!

 

I get you exactly too.

You're describing the guy I was with for 14 years pretty much.

His looks caught me.

But the communication with him made me fall.

 

I haven't had that since - the sex was the best too - kissing not so great but I took charge when I needed a good old sesh! Lol!

[CosmicG8]

Gemma Google Lazar Angelov, I look very very similar to that, with almost identical facial hair

 

I know that look won't be appealing to all women but shouldn't it be immensely appealing to the female equivalent of that- a very feminine looking mid to late 20s darker skinned extremely athletic woman ??

 

I want someone with similar traits to myself, I'm not a meathead going for a philosopher

[elaine567]

Gemma Google Lazar Angelov, I look very very similar to that, with almost identical facial hair

 

I know that look won't be appealing to all women but shouldn't it be immensely appealing to the female equivalent of that- a very feminine looking mid to late 20s darker skinned extremely athletic woman ??

 

I want someone with similar traits to myself, I'm not a meathead going for a philosopher

 

Mid to late twenties women are already looking around for husband and father material and frankly Lazar Angelov looks nothing like husband and father material really.

He looks pretty scary to me.

He looked a lot nicer and kinder and better before he went on his body building journey.

[CosmicG8]

Mid to late twenties women are already looking around for husband and father material and frankly Lazar Angelov looks nothing like husband and father material really.

He looks pretty scary to me.

He looked a lot nicer and kinder and better before he went on his body building journey.

 

I am not on steroids so I am not quite as massive as he is but I basically look like a natural and slightly more pretty boy version of him

 

I dunno, people tell me all the time that I'm extremely handsome. I'm nice to everybody. I love kids and pets. i think I would be a great father and husband. Why would looking extremely masculine be a bad thing? I've always been told that women want a very masculine man

[GemmaUK]

Gemma Google Lazar Angelov, I look very very similar to that, with almost identical facial hair

 

I know that look won't be appealing to all women but shouldn't it be immensely appealing to the female equivalent of that- a very feminine looking mid to late 20s darker skinned extremely athletic woman ??

 

I want someone with similar traits to myself, I'm not a meathead going for a philosopher

 

I googled.

 

Just on looks, no idea who he is or anything about him.

Nope, not at all attractive to me. Not facially nor body wise. Not at my age now and never was when I was younger.

Plus, I know none of my friends would go for that, we never would at any age.

The only one I know who 'might' have been attracted body wise - she used to be a professional/world competitive level cheerleader. On a looks scale though she is a quiet natural beauty.

She married a guy 9 years her junior. I work with her..

But facially he is vastly different to the guy you got me to google.

She likes buff but her now husband was never that buff.

 

You would attract a niche market I would say.

 

I have to rescind my offer, I don't know how to make that kinda look softer.

[CosmicG8]

I googled.

 

Just on looks, no idea who he is or anything about him.

Nope, not at all attractive to me. Not facially nor body wise. Not at my age now and never was when I was younger.

Plus, I know none of my friends would go for that, we never would at any age.

The only one I know who 'might' have been attracted body wise - she used to be a professional/world competitive level cheerleader. On a looks scale though she is a quiet natural beauty.

She married a guy 9 years her junior. I work with her..

But facially he is vastly different to the guy you got me to google.

She likes buff but her now husband was never that buff.

 

You would attract a niche market I would say.

 

I have to rescind my offer, I don't know how to make that kinda look softer.

 

 

really? people tell me constantly that I'm extraordinarily handsome

 

maybe it's because I smile all the time (I have great teeth and a very nice smile)? Lazar purposely tries to look intimidating, I obviously don't

 

don't pay attention to his body. I am not that massive - in street clothes, I look like a regular athletic guy. I don't have freaky veins popping out.

[chinadiary]

The guy you say you look like looks threatening and dangerous. I think he'd be intimidating for the girl next door.

[GemmaUK]

Yes really.

 

I would never go for a guy who looked liked that or anything similar.

It's not even attractive to me at all.

 

Most folk actually prefer average looks with confidence and humour/self depreciation.

[CosmicG8]

Yes really.

 

I would never go for a guy who looked liked that or anything similar.

It's not even attractive to me at all.

 

Most folk actually prefer average looks with confidence and humour/self depreciation.

 

 

yea but I'm not looking for an average girl though

 

 

my dream GF would be somebody like Katya Elisa Henry. Wouldn't ladies like that be extremely attracted to my appearance type?

 

 

I should add when I go out, I dress extremely nice. I wear upscale button down shirts with nice jeans and dress shoes with everything matching properly. Is it possible some women may think I'm gay? Especially since my best male friends are the same way I am in terms of being extremely groomed, muscular and fashionable? Few straight men try as hard as I do to look good but I feel like I have to do that in order for a girl to like me. I'm super super harsh on myself - I feel like I have to beyond impossibly perfect in order for any woman to even look at me

[chinadiary]

But you've asked us to help. A beautiful woman still wants a nice guy. The Lazar guy looks dangerous. Not marriage material.

[GemmaUK]

yea but I'm not looking for an average girl though

 

 

my dream GF would be somebody like Katya Elisa Henry. Wouldn't ladies like that be extremely attracted to my appearance type?

 

I should add when I go out, I dress extremely nice. I wear upscale button down shirts with nice jeans and dress shoes with everything matching properly. Is it possible some women may think I'm gay? Especially since my best male friends are the same way I am in terms of being extremely groomed, muscular and fashionable? Few straight men try as hard as I do to look good but I feel like I have to do that in order for a girl to like me. I'm super super harsh on myself - I feel like I have to beyond impossibly perfect in order for any woman to even look at me

 

I googled her and then googled her name and boyfriend.

He looks nothing like you so no, you're not her type.

 

You sound very insecure. If that comes over to someone it's not a good thing.

You sound like you have underlying long term issues here.

 

Get some therapy. Be realistic.Find the cause.

[elaine567]

yea but I'm not looking for an average girl though

 

my dream GF would be somebody like Katya Elisa Henry. Wouldn't ladies like that be extremely attracted to my appearance type?

 

Who knows?

They have split up now but Katya's type seemed to be more Austin Mahone who does not look anything like Lazlo, but he does have more of the husband/father type look about him.

[CosmicG8]

But you've asked us to help. A beautiful woman still wants a nice guy. The Lazar guy looks dangerous. Not marriage material.

 

 

come on you guys are being silly with this dangerous stuff. He is just posing that way to look intimidating for pictures. Nobody in real life thinks either him or myself are dangerous. That's ridiculous.

 

You're telling me if you saw this in real life, you would not think he is extraordinarily handsome?

 

https://scontent.ford1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22007556_2227816963901552_1608927982919029618_n.jpg?oh=cf0441af76e69d26cf2fea751b00bdd9&oe=5A8C58A5

[CosmicG8]

Who knows?

They have split up now but Katya's type seemed to be more Austin Mahone who does not look anything like Lazlo, but he does have more of the husband/father type look about him.

 

 

I mean an average girl on the street who looks Katya

 

Katya is famous so she is only going to date a guy with massive status like Austin Mahone. Women don't ever date down in status

[basil67]

After reading all your posts, my advice is to find some humility. I think it would make you more accessible to women.

[basil67]

come on you guys are being silly with this dangerous stuff. He is just posing that way to look intimidating for pictures. Nobody in real life thinks either him or myself are dangerous. That's ridiculous.

 

You're telling me if you saw this in real life, you would not think he is extraordinarily handsome?

 

https://scontent.ford1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22007556_2227816963901552_1608927982919029618_n.jpg?oh=cf0441af76e69d26cf2fea751b00bdd9&oe=5A8C58A5

 

He's not bad I guess. I'd probably have given him a chance. But his appearance gives me the gut feeling that he's really high maintenance and this would be a massive hurdle. Like he'd spend more time grooming than me.

[CosmicG8]

I'm a 29 year old male and I've been making great money since I was 23 (I've been in sales) so i've set myself up very well. I have no debt except my house - which will be totally paid for in 2 more years. I have a really nice car that I plan on keeping another 5-6 years (only has 70K miles on it)

 

I've never had a girlfriend but I wonder how a girl will react to being with me. Basically any woman in a serious relationship living with me will not have any expenses except her own stuff (her car, any debt she may have, stuff like that) - I plan on paying for everything else - which isn't much at this point.

 

Would you ladies be ok in a situation like that? I'm very good at managing finances, would you take my advice on how to manage finances? Should I be extra careful to not date a gold digger or a woman who is a compulsive spender?