Why it seems so hard to move on?

[wolfie04]

Hello, I'm sure many of you went through what I'm experiencing right now. After a bad breakup, I'm finding myself - a bit over a year later, starting my life anew after trying to "be friends with my ex" - just to acknowledge how much of a cheating hypocrite he can actually be.

 

Though I know, from a rational point of view, that what I did (break all kind of contact with him, block him from every single social media network, etc.) was the best way to move on, I'm finding myself troubled with... idk if label it as guilt, to apply the NC rule. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan, by any means, to get back with him - I know I deserve much better than the whole depression status this long relationship left me, where now I'm starting to discover myself again after feeling as if my life without him around was meaningless. But yet, feelings are feelings and it seems that I cannot control them from time to time.

 

My birthday is coming closer, so is Christmas, so partly it's a bit of an anxiety factor to keep wondering if he'll text or call for those special dates - I started, without warning, NC rule about 20 days ago. Any advice is truly appreciated.

 

Thanks!

[Logo]

I understand the feeling of guilt, but remind yourself why you’re not with him anymore. It sounds like you chose not to be for one reason or another, but you’re feeling guilty because you’re human and you have feelings, and you still have feelings of attachment.

 

The thing is, for you to move on and get back on your proverbial feet, you need to focus on you and make sure that you’re taking care of you. Everyone else is secondary. Otherwise, you’re going to hurt yourself in a process that has already caused you pain. So why compound the pain?

 

 

Here’s an analogy: A person on crutches can’t chase down a mugger who stole an old lady’s purse. Should that person blame himself for not being able to help her?

 

 

No. He needs to get better, heal and then he’ll be able to walk and run.

 

 

Remember this, sometimes when it comes to relationships, it’s best to think with the head than with the heart. Our hearts have a tendency to mislead us sometimes, especially when we’re feeling our way through a fog of emotions, pain, sorrow, or longing. It takes time to sort through them and process them.

 

 

Be kind to yourself and take care of you.

[wolfie04]

I understand the feeling of guilt, but remind yourself why you’re not with him anymore. It sounds like you chose not to be for one reason or another, but you’re feeling guilty because you’re human and you have feelings, and you still have feelings of attachment.

 

The thing is, for you to move on and get back on your proverbial feet, you need to focus on you and make sure that you’re taking care of you. Everyone else is secondary. Otherwise, you’re going to hurt yourself in a process that has already caused you pain. So why compound the pain?

 

 

Here’s an analogy: A person on crutches can’t chase down a mugger who stole an old lady’s purse. Should that person blame himself for not being able to help her?

 

 

No. He needs to get better, heal and then he’ll be able to walk and run.

 

 

Remember this, sometimes when it comes to relationships, it’s best to think with the head than with the heart. Our hearts have a tendency to mislead us sometimes, especially when we’re feeling our way through a fog of emotions, pain, sorrow, or longing. It takes time to sort through them and process them.

 

 

Be kind to yourself and take care of you.

 

Thanks a lot for your reply! Yes, the thing is that from a rational point of view, I know pretty well that we are done for good, there's no way we'll be back, and for a while I tried to be his friend just to be way more disappointed to discover how much of a cheater he can actually be, how many lies he can say without feeling any remorse, and how can he go by as if we were nothing for so many years. But, how to tell my heart to acknowledge that fact? That's the big question.

 

I've been sneaking to check his FB profile, to see how's doing, but obviously this does far worse to me, as I can't put him off my mind.

[trustyourself]

But, how to tell my heart to acknowledge that fact? That's the big question.

 

I've been sneaking to check his FB profile, to see how's doing, but obviously this does far worse to me, as I can't put him off my mind.

 

I am almost a year to the day broke up. With sporadic contact from my ex to reel me back in. We tried to rekindle something in July. That lasted all of two weeks before she ran away again. Then she reached out to me a month ago. Still as lost and confused as she was a year ago. Found out she was seeing someone else. Told her we could not talk if that was the case.

 

I did not block her on social media, but I realized that it is sooo unhealthy for me. The urge to snoop when I thought about her (I think about her a lot still) was too strong. And it is keeping me connected to her. I blocked her two days ago. I feel awful. Guilty almost. But I am doing what is best for me. I need to let her go.

 

The following day after blocking I had extreme anxiety. But I know it is because I am addicted. Will I keep her blocked forever? Probably not, but I need to modify my behavior and get past the point of caring anymore.

[wolfie04]

I am almost a year to the day broke up. With sporadic contact from my ex to reel me back in. We tried to rekindle something in July. That lasted all of two weeks before she ran away again. Then she reached out to me a month ago. Still as lost and confused as she was a year ago. Found out she was seeing someone else. Told her we could not talk if that was the case.

 

I did not block her on social media, but I realized that it is sooo unhealthy for me. The urge to snoop when I thought about her (I think about her a lot still) was too strong. And it is keeping me connected to her. I blocked her two days ago. I feel awful. Guilty almost. But I am doing what is best for me. I need to let her go.

 

The following day after blocking I had extreme anxiety. But I know it is because I am addicted. Will I keep her blocked forever? Probably not, but I need to modify my behavior and get past the point of caring anymore.

 

Unfortunately, it's easier to be said than done. I know my behaviour isn't the best, as it only leads to more anxiety and to expect things that will never show up (him apologising, even if I don't wish to get back but just to have for once in all those years an entirely sincere answer and not feel like everything is up for garbage).

 

Idk, my birthday is coming up soon and I don't know what to expect, or if he'll do a surprise comeback by Christmas either by phone or mail. Last time he called he was so full of himself, bragging about how good his life was that I ended up more angered and started with NC rule to make my life anew. But I'd like this to be somewhat easier...

[trustyourself]

Sadly it is not easy, and there are no shortcuts.

 

Blocking them on SM, and preferably on your phone (I have not done this) is the best way.

 

I know everyone says NC, but I am taking the NIC route (Non initiated contact). If you prefer to do this, I would recommend very short responses to any contact.

Him: How are you?

You: Im doing great thanks! (Do not ask him how he is doing)

Him:What have you been up to?

You:Been super busy, running out the door right now actually, ttyl

 

Each contact hurts a little bit, but by keeping it short, it will hurt a little less. He will eventually get the message that you are not at his beck and call.

 

Anyway, I know its hard. Especially at this time of year. Stay strong! We will all get through this!

[wolfie04]

Sadly it is not easy, and there are no shortcuts.

 

Blocking them on SM, and preferably on your phone (I have not done this) is the best way.

 

I know everyone says NC, but I am taking the NIC route (Non initiated contact). If you prefer to do this, I would recommend very short responses to any contact.

Him: How are you?

You: Im doing great thanks! (Do not ask him how he is doing)

Him:What have you been up to?

You:Been super busy, running out the door right now actually, ttyl

 

Each contact hurts a little bit, but by keeping it short, it will hurt a little less. He will eventually get the message that you are not at his beck and call.

 

Anyway, I know its hard. Especially at this time of year. Stay strong! We will all get through this!

 

Tried that for a while, it didn't work as he was constantly on if I was seeing somebody else - he knows I'm interested in someone but I don't make a move as I'm trying to love myself before trying to engage on a new relationship. So after a good while, it ended up angering me each call or text I've got from him, but I don't have the courage yet to remove him from social media as a little voice in me cares about him as the friend he used to be (he was my best friend prior becoming my boyfriend).

 

It's hard, but we'll move on. Thanks for the kind words, and keep the hope high!