End of my rope

[nyiri89]

Husband and I have been married for close to 4 years, together for 7. In the last 2.5 years, he has gone through a total of 8 jobs. My Husband suffered severe emotional abuse and neglect as a child, and his symptoms/issues have only gotten worse over time. I have suggested he try therapy, but he refuses to and denies the fact that his abuse is still impacting him all these years later. He loses his temper at the drop of a hat, and will not acknowledge that this is part of the reason why he cannot keep a job.

 

I do not mind being the bread winner, and I want my husband to get better and be the man I know he can be. What I do have a problem with, is being responsible for everything on my own. What I mean by that is, I earn the money, I pay the bills, I do the food shopping, I cook, I clean - all without a cape! We have talked about how his behavior is affecting our marriage, and he just storms off when he decides he is done listening. With all of this stress, my blood pressure has skyrocketed and I've had to go on medication. The fact that this is starting to manifest for my physically is very concerning.

 

I've also gotten very depressed since I've been focusing on how to try and help him and keep our life afloat. We had dreams for a home, children...I just feel like these things are never going to happen because he refuses to get help.

 

I guess what I'm really asking here is - When is it okay to love yourself more than your SO? I love my husband dearly, but I cannot live like this anymore. I'm afraid for my health, and if he isn't going to help himself, I'm not sure that there is much more I can do. Is it wrong to start considering a divorce? How di you know you were ready to take that step?

[DKT3]

Husband and I have been married for close to 4 years, together for 7. In the last 2.5 years, he has gone through a total of 8 jobs. My Husband suffered severe emotional abuse and neglect as a child, and his symptoms/issues have only gotten worse over time. I have suggested he try therapy, but he refuses to and denies the fact that his abuse is still impacting him all these years later. He loses his temper at the drop of a hat, and will not acknowledge that this is part of the reason why he cannot keep a job.

 

I do not mind being the bread winner, and I want my husband to get better and be the man I know he can be. What I do have a problem with, is being responsible for everything on my own. What I mean by that is, I earn the money, I pay the bills, I do the food shopping, I cook, I clean - all without a cape! We have talked about how his behavior is affecting our marriage, and he just storms off when he decides he is done listening. With all of this stress, my blood pressure has skyrocketed and I've had to go on medication. The fact that this is starting to manifest for my physically is very concerning.

 

I've also gotten very depressed since I've been focusing on how to try and help him and keep our life afloat. We had dreams for a home, children...I just feel like these things are never going to happen because he refuses to get help.

 

I guess what I'm really asking here is - When is it okay to love yourself more than your SO? I love my husband dearly, but I cannot live like this anymore. I'm afraid for my health, and if he isn't going to help himself, I'm not sure that there is much more I can do. Is it wrong to start considering a divorce? How di you know you were ready to take that step?

 

Divorce? Why?

 

Your husband is a big boy, yet you do everything. What would happen if you don't cook? Would he starve? I don't think so.

 

My own wife (as is most women) is like this, in her mind, she has to do everything. She does alot, not because she has too, but because she believes it won't get done otherwise.

 

What I'm saying is, STOP. Your husband may surprise you. Stop being his enabler, stop being his maid.

[nyiri89]

Thank you for your thoughts. I’ve considered divorce because of his anger issues and his refusal to do anything to fix them. He either knows and doesn’t admit it, or is just unaware, of how his behavior affects other people. I’m also concerned that the stress from keeping us financially going (we live in a major US city, so the bills are very high and one salary just isn’t enough). It is always someone else’s fault - he never takes responsibility. I can see one or two managers being difficult - but 8?

[basil67]

You know it's time to leave when you're more miserable than happy. And with this affecting your health, you MUST put yourself first. And you cannot have children with a man who is abusive.

 

But if you're not completely done, there is one last option for you to try: separation. See if the imminent prospect of losing you is enough to shake him up. If you try this, DON'T go back if he begs your forgiveness and promises to change. Only go back if/when he's demonstrated long term change, attending counselling, holding down a job and taking medication if required.

[IReallyLovePuppies]

I guess what I'm really asking here is - When is it okay to love yourself more than your SO? I love my husband dearly, but I cannot live like this anymore. I'm afraid for my health, and if he isn't going to help himself, I'm not sure that there is much more I can do. Is it wrong to start considering a divorce? How di you know you were ready to take that step?

 

The only time you ever love someone else more than you are when it concerns your kids and your pet. Otherwise, you should never love your SO more than yourself.

 

I made that mistake and trying to get out now.. and the longer you wait, the harder it gets.

[Just a Guy]

Hi nyiri, I think basil and Ilovepuppies, have analysed your situation correctly. Your current situation is untenable and since you have'nt been married too long and do not have children, you can leave with a clear conscience that you did your best for your husband and your marriage but your effort was futile. Yes, as a last resort you can try separation but in my opinion , if you want to jolt your husband to reality, then file for divorce and have him served. In the meantime move out and stay separately. If that has a salutary effect on him well and good and you will know soon enough. If not , you will know you did the right thing. Warm wishes.