reconnecting after a long period of NC

[SpecialJ]

Has anyone on the board had experience getting to know an ex again after a long period of NC? Assuming you were both single again, did you decide to be just friends, or did you start getting to know each other again as friends and then somehow get back together after a period of feelings ambiguity? Who brought up reconciliation -- the dumper or the dumpee?

 

Not talking about exes backsliding into being friends with benefits later turning into something else. Just, being real friends, or starting with friendship and it organically becoming more because the connection was still strong.

[mmiller5373]

I dated a girl from 2007-2010. She broke up with me for someone else. I was in bad shape at the time, so I begged for her to come back and acted desperate for months. Finally went No Contact.

 

Two years later, she reached out and apologized, saying she made a huge mistake and she misses me. I accepted the apology and told her I forgave her, but that I didn't want her back.

 

We have kept in touch since 2013 and have actually become good friends, but there's nothing romantic about it. Never will be either.

[Zippy2000]

Not sure if this counts but I dated a girl and didnt get to get a second date. I said something that put her off. However we became friends. Ive known her for 6 years but she had 3 boyfriends inbetween that time which lasted for 2 years for each of them.

 

We texted and met up as friends but fast forward to 6 years and when her latest relationship didnt work out. She got her friend to ask me out but I had moved on and didnt want her back

 

I had 2 other girls I dated but didnt get to a third date. I hadnt talked to them for 6 months and both of them came back.

 

It really depends what makes them think about coming back to you. It could theyre missing your presence. They though back at a time when you were on of the good guys. Thoughts of nostaligia. Maybe they were lonely or they had run out of options.

[Zippy2000]

Oh, I forgot to add.. Its a bad idea to sometimes become friends. I did that with the girl I knew for 6 years. We became friends and that's just it. I couldn't get past being her friend.

 

 

I couldn't see myself snogging/kissing her as I d got used to hanging around with her she became a mate, a best buddy.

 

 

If you do connect with someone after a long period. I d ask you to escalate things and up the ante.

[SpecialJ]

It's interesting to hear peoples' experiences. I have no idea what's "typical" for those who reconnect after a lengthy NC period.

 

I've stayed close friends with a few exes (which I know is less typical), but there was never no contact. Not the easiest thing to do at the beginning, but worth it if both people agree on why things didn't work out and are committed to a real friendship. Plus, none of those situations involved leaving to date another person, so that made shifting to be friends less hurtful.

 

I've recently been spending time with an ex after not speaking for a very long time, which is a first for me, and it seems ambiguous. We were both upfront with what we wanted before I went no contact (he wanted a friendship that was too much too soon, I still wanted to work things out). I was intending on only friendship at first when we started talking again, but, to my surprise, we are both single and get along better than ever. So neither of us ended up saying the word friends even once. For the first month, it felt like we were getting to know each other again, going out on several risk-free dates with flirting but no kissing, having a great time, and slowly escalating/increasing the frequency of contact and in person meet ups with us both initiating it equally. He told me areas he's been working on about himself that were the things that caused our breakup, though it's still a work in progress.

 

I wanted to give us some time to see where things went organically before asking him how he feels about it... plus I was a little scared to bring it up. He has already rejected me by being the dumper, so I don't need that again or to feel stupid in case I misread and he thinks we're just friends. Most importantly though, I wanted time to gauge if he's matured and figure out how I feel about him now. Lastly, him taking me out so often now doesn't mean he is interested again, so I also wanted to see if this was about his regrets about me or just about him liking the attention and being bored of being single. As in, the mother of all breadcrumbs.

 

Lately it seems more stagnant on his end, which is causing me to think things haven't actually changed so I'm starting to lose my rekindled romantic interest. I'm thinking that now that it's been a couple months, if he was interested in reconciling, he'd have at least tried to kiss me already (there's only a lot of hugging). If he'd really grown enough and improved his communication, he'd even bring it up directly.

 

Not looking good, and just trying to make up my mind if I'd rather just forget it and friend zone us in my head to move on, or if it's still worth it to me to maybe escalate flirting or bring it up myself. I'm still possibly open to either, but I also only want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

 

The only thing I'm totally sure I want to avoid is friends with benefits. No interest in being in that situation here.

[toomanyquestions123]

My first love at college dumped me and cheated on me which really broke my heart( first heartbreak ). We stayed together the whole college period and before graduating, the other girl texted me to f*** off because my ex is hers now. Anyhow, after 2 years of NC he texted me to apologize. He sent a very long message explaining that he was so young and stupid and that i was the best thing that happened to him and that he really regrets hurting me and that he cant forgive himself until i forgive him. After talking back and forth, i forgave him and we went out several times to rekindle things as friends, and then i discovered that i dont have romantic feelings for this guy anymore and we became pretty close friends after that. I attended his wedding last summer And no he did not marry the same girl that left me for her.

[Samantha.Leo]

we reconnected again after 7 years of NC. Too much to type, so I will just share my link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/635239-7-years-now-he-s-back#post7474024

 

Good luck!

[SpecialJ]

Samantha.Leo, you bring up that you're about 4 months in to seeing each other and had your first argument. I think this is important -- you're getting past the honeymoon period of reconnecting and things are getting more real, so now you're going to figure out if you're compatible enough to get through the good AND the bad, or if you're only good at giving each other butterflies.

 

My ex's pullback was related to holiday schedules being wonky, and he's since resumed and continued to escalate contact. We're also seeing each other several times a week. Which means we're also getting more real and finally had our first minor disagreement recently -- we were both uncomfortable but far more effective at communicating about our approaches to conflict than we had been in the past (we didn't fight much when we were together because he wasn't openly communicating his feelings, so it is a new thing for us to do now). I didn't feel great in the moment and maybe for another couple hours after I left, but then we kept talking and everything felt fine, so it seemed like progress.

 

My bigger issue is that he still hasn't clearly stated intentions, so I don't know if we're just friends or open to rekindling. Most of my unambiguous guy friends say that he would not be spending so much time with me if he wasn't still interested romantically, (even though nothing physical has happened yet). Since I last updated, my main reason for not taking the lead and pushing him to define what he wants is that I'm also collecting information to figure out if I think things have changed enough. I care a lot for him, but am still not entirely sure what I want after his shortcomings in maturity the last time around. This means I'm giving him a bit more time since things are continuing both to be fun and to organically escalate, but I'm also still going on dates with other guys and trying not to cut off other options.

 

I always thought rekindling would be easy if both parties still truly cared about each other... I'm finding that it isn't easy at all! But it's been an interesting perspective to get, for sure.

[Samantha.Leo]

Samantha.Leo, you bring up that you're about 4 months in to seeing each other and had your first argument. I think this is important -- you're getting past the honeymoon period of reconnecting and things are getting more real, so now you're going to figure out if you're compatible enough to get through the good AND the bad, or if you're only good at giving each other butterflies.

 

My ex's pullback was related to holiday schedules being wonky, and he's since resumed and continued to escalate contact. We're also seeing each other several times a week. Which means we're also getting more real and finally had our first minor disagreement recently -- we were both uncomfortable but far more effective at communicating about our approaches to conflict than we had been in the past (we didn't fight much when we were together because he wasn't openly communicating his feelings, so it is a new thing for us to do now). I didn't feel great in the moment and maybe for another couple hours after I left, but then we kept talking and everything felt fine, so it seemed like progress.

 

My bigger issue is that he still hasn't clearly stated intentions, so I don't know if we're just friends or open to rekindling. Most of my unambiguous guy friends say that he would not be spending so much time with me if he wasn't still interested romantically, (even though nothing physical has happened yet). Since I last updated, my main reason for not taking the lead and pushing him to define what he wants is that I'm also collecting information to figure out if I think things have changed enough. I care a lot for him, but am still not entirely sure what I want after his shortcomings in maturity the last time around. This means I'm giving him a bit more time since things are continuing both to be fun and to organically escalate, but I'm also still going on dates with other guys and trying not to cut off other options.

 

I always thought rekindling would be easy if both parties still truly cared about each other... I'm finding that it isn't easy at all! But it's been an interesting perspective to get, for sure.

 

Yes, we had our first argument after knowing each other 8 years ago, and we are definitely past the honeymoon period of reconnecting. We have always been able to talk to each other. That argument brought out a lot of the insecurities we both have about this, although it was unintentional. He's afraid of me leaving again and I need reassurance in this. For now, I'm leaning back and letting him come to me.

 

I've found with my guy that the holidays brought out the pull-back in him. I read that this is a normal thing. I've also read that it's normal for a guy to have trouble openly communicating their feelings. That's very good that you guys are seeing each other several times a week. I don't think that would be the case if he didn't care.

 

Here's a few questiosn. Do you really need to know his intentions right now? Can you go with the flow and let things unfold? What if he doesn't even know what he wants yet and making him express his intentions makes him pull away? That's a good idea to go out with others while this all unfolds. I'm usually a "jump right in" type of person, but with J, I'm not. I'm letting things go the way they are meant to, while I sit back and let things happen. Does it drive me crazy? YES! Do I want to know his intentions? YES! Am I afraid that I am making a mistake? YES! Do I think it's worth a second shot? ABSOLUTELY YES! Rekindling is not easy. You'll definitely find that the things that used to drive you crazy still do, but I think as you get older, these things tend to be less important than the love you may still feel for each other.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to decide if it is worth it to you.

[SpecialJ]

I know, you're right. I haven't decided if he is, still, and my friends think he's not (based on what happened in the past). I respect their opinions. I don't need to know RIGHT now what we are because how can I expect him to know exactly where he's at when I don't (and I'm the older and more self-aware one)? I'm just not young anymore (in regards to being able to start a family) so don't want to waste time if I've misread and this isn't a mutual test run to see if we could have a better relationship now that it's over a year later. Yet care a lot about him and don't want to push him away by forcing this. Hence the still dating new people while we're figuring this out.

Edited December 28, 2017 by SpecialJ

[SpecialJ]

Okay, LS! I posted in this thread about a month ago with details about my recent interactions with my ex. We had a slight lull related to the holidays, but then resumed contact. Though we keep inching closer, nothing has significantly changed since that long post, and we never defined our reconnection as friendship or more. He's being incredibly sweet, helpful, and considerate, really going out of his way for me, and we talk daily and spend time together several days a week (still evenly balanced on who reaches out). I know he really cares for me, but I'm just recently starting to feel friend zoned because I can't seem to inspire him to make a physical move (and it's felt forced for me to take that initiative). It's going on a few months now, which seems like a lot of time.

 

If he still had romantic feelings for me, I'd want to try again. If he doesn't, I'm okay with staying close friends and enjoy the friendship as well. But I'm at the point where I'm frustrated with the ambiguity. Or frustrated that I may be mistaken in even thinking there's ambiguity (though friends have assured me, after spending time together with us, that I'm not imagining it)! Either way, I've hit my time limit on the wait and see approach.

 

However, I have no idea what to say or do about it. Since I want to stay friends even if we've got no chance to reconcile, I don't want to push him away or give an ultimatum. I am considering sharing my feelings (just to get it overwith) but anticipating they'll be met with further rejection... as he's the dumper and it doesn't generally work for dumpees to initiate a reconciliation. Without begging, I came back and told him how I felt about him soon after the breakup -- and it made no difference. At the time, he said we'd never get back together. Plus, I feel like as the guy he'd have eventually asked me out and called it a date if he was into me. I've warmed up to him dramatically the last couple months and doubt I'm sending signals to shut him down.

 

Should I say something now? If so, what? Or should I just silently friend zone him back in my own head and try to move on romantically for good and without regret?

 

I'm not overly upset or obsessing over this and I'm still meeting new guys and going on dates, so I'm not wasting my time persay, but don't want to be stringing myself along.

[SpecialJ]

In case anyone was wondering, we talked and it seemed like everything was going in the right direction. We even talked about why he wanted to take things slowly physically, and it seemed reasonable. He initiated both messaging and in person plans constantly, even for weeks after we talked things through. I finally let my guard down because it seemed like he deserved it. And shortly after I did that... he pulled the same nonsense on me as last time and informed me he doesn't want to get back together. Considering that means he hasn't changed, neither do I. I'm finally done with this nonsense, because I deserve a lot better.

[divegrl]

Hi!!!

 

I think I remember posting on your thread over in the coping section. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out with this guy again. My ex and I tried to get back together with similar results.

 

I think now you know, and you can move on. It just seems he likes the attention and the idea of someone wanting him; but not a relationship. I also don’t think being friends in this situation is a good idea either.

 

Thanks for updating us! Big hugs my friend.

[SpecialJ]

I'm bummed / annoyed / disappointed, but not totally heartbroken this time. I did a lot of work after the first breakup, and he's not worth going through that again after doing the same thing... especially because it wasn't a complete blindside this time. I did things differently and better this time (not that I did anything majorly wrong the first time), and the same thing happened so... there's one common denominator here I did the best I could.

 

I do think you're right on the attention thing. There's really no other explanation (besides he thinks I'm fun to hang out with). Just means he's immature and not ready. His loss.

[divegrl]

Yeah it still stings a bit. But you’re learning and growing.

 

Hugs my friend!!! Have a beautiful day.