Wife doesn't care

[Beezle]

This is my first post on a relationship forum since I've been married, so here goes.

 

I love my wife. We have a toddler, and there is no way I can leave her because I couldn't handle the guilt of spending less time with my child. However...

 

Since we've been married (together for 10 years total) she has started boring me. She spends most of her time on her phone, she has no interest in talking to me about what I'm doing, or even what she's looking at online.

 

I've worked up the nerve to tell her the two things that are very important to me in our relationship that cause me to feel unimportant. Those things are her weight, and her lack of interest. When I say lack of interest, it started off as being a lack of sexual interest. I talked with her about what I like, and the things I need, plus explicit examples and ideas, adding that it's as easy as choosing one a week, or two weeks, and just doing it. Not even difficult things, but stuff like sending me a nude picture, or a dirty text. When we have these (now multiple) conversations, her initial response is to get mad, saying that I'm blaming her. Then she does what I asked for about a week, then it's back to the usual nothingness.

 

Her weight was once a bigger problem, but I had moved on. That's is, until her friend, who has lost a lot of weight, gave my wife her "fat" clothes. It set me off, to say the least. I feel like she should be giving away her own "fat" clothes at this point, but when I talk about dieting and exercising together, she says "ok, let's do it" and then never mentions it again.

 

Actually, it all falls into a lack of interest. No interest on losing weight, no interest in trying to be sexy for me, no interest in my interests, no interest in me.

 

And before I get the discussion of "maybe she doesn't feel sexy because she knows I want her to lose weight" I haven't mentioned it in YEARS. I always bring it up as wanting to diet and lose weight myself and I want her to join me. I make every effort to do new things and be spontaneous, and to make her feel special and attractive. She does not do the same for me. She doesn't even try.

 

Long story longer, I'm at a loss as to what I should do.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Is she depressed or suffering from any mental health issues? Did you notice an increased withdrawal from the relationship once she gave birth?

 

Obviously a weight increase hasn't just happened due to giving birth because you've mentioned that she has been overweight for years. How overweight are we talking here?

 

You seem to be coming from a position of "me me me" even though that may not necessarily be the case. However, saying that "she's starting to bore me" gives a little insight as to where your head is at.

 

Have you ever asked: "How can I get her to engage more often?"

 

Perhaps the way you broach topics is off putting? Perhaps she thinks whenever you bring something up, you're just going to get angry if she doesn't meet you half way (or the equivalent in your mind) right then and there.

 

The phone addiction is definitely a problem, though. How engaged is she as a mother? Is it just you she seems to have checked out emotionally from? Or, is it everyone else, too?

 

I don't think expecting her to send nudes is a reasonable request if she's uncomfortable doing that. It's okay to be honest about your sexual desires are, but don't pressure someone into doing something they aren't comfortable doing.

 

If you are to get anywhere in this relationship, you need to be more patient with your wife.

 

Make her feel that whatever happens, you are there for her and support her. You will maximise your chances of success if you can do that.

 

Best of luck.

 

Renée.

[Beezle]

I know I come off as inconsiderate or whiney, but it's because I've been having this same conversation for years with no result. She's always been overweight, but I've managed to look past that and focus on more emotional aspects of the relationship, which really helped. I stopped looking at weight as being part of personality, and as a result I became more engaged and happier in the relationship.

 

Having said that, hee weight does get in the way. She is at as mobile as she could be, and she snores so loud that I can't sleep in the same room as often.

 

We talked about what we both needed in the relationship, and I do feel that I've done my part. I've been more affectionate, which was her only complaint. But We both work full time, and we share child care responsibilities when we get home, but she spends more time feeding our child and getting him ready for bed, where I spend more time cooking and cleaning.

 

The phone issue is coming to a head. It's the reason she doesn't talk to me. If I'm driving, she's on the phone. She's on her phone at dinner. If she sits on the couch to watch tv, she's on her phone.

 

Patience used to be fine for me, and still is in most other aspects of my life. But after years of waiting, I have a hard time being patient. I don't get angry, but I do get resentful, which is probably worse.

 

Sending nudes is just an example, when really I want her to be involved. I don't feel like she's attracted to me anymore, even though she goes on and on to friends like I'm great. And not to be conceited, but I've always had women tell me I'm handsome, or tell her how lucky she is, and I don't know that she feels the same way anymore.

 

She initiates sex by saying "do you want to have sex?"

 

I am getting bored because it's getting to be mundane I had to start waking her up for work in the mornings, and that gave me an opportunity to shower with her to get in some extra time, but that doesn't seem to add anything to the rest of our time together.

 

The way I look at it, I was patient for 8 years, then I was honest, and now I'm starting to feel neglected.

[jjgitties]

Sending nudes is just an example

a women who does not feel sexy may not be willing to send nudes? did you ever ask her, does she feel sexy?

 

She initiates sex by saying "do you want to have sex?"

yup, thats what happens in marriage after a while.

 

 

The way I look at it, I was patient for 8 years, then I was honest, and now I'm starting to feel neglected.

And this also happens in marriage after a while.

 

what are you going to do about it? its not going to magically change and fix itself. sounds like you two are settled into a nice little comfortable rut.

 

given you have a toddler, that's quite a responsibility. it will get easier as the child gets older.

 

it doesnt sound like your marriage is over. so dont act like it is. try to work on finding something you two can do together. you mention weight being a big issue for you. you could try to explore what might trigger her mentally to try to excersize and also find a way so that both of you excersize. try a walking/hiking regime. gives you a chance to talk and start excersize. try weird things you have never tried before. hot yoga class. spinning class. whatever. just try something and start off slowly and find something that you both click with.

[chinadiary]

You said that when you talk about diet and exercise, she says, let's do it, but then nothing happens. Do you cook low calorie meals, shop for healthy choice food or arrange a babysitter so you can go to the gym together? Or do you expect her to do all of that because you said so?

 

Do you tell her you find her sexy and attractive? Do you hug and kiss her WITHOUT sexual overtones, to make her feel loved and wanted?

 

She may have put on weight, but she's still your wife. You mentioned you talk to her about you losing weight. Do you carry extra pounds? Did you ever go on a diet and lose it?

 

 

 

I'm divorced, so by no means a marriage expert, but it sounds to me like you just want her to do what you want, with no effort from you.

 

If you want these things, you need to take the lead. They're the things YOU want.

[mercy]

So many couples need to put their phones down.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Beezle, sorry but I think most folks are stacked against you. None of the folks who responded seemed to suggest that maybe your wife could get out of her comfort zone and do something to sort out the problem between you two. Her phone seems to be an addiction. I would start there and lay down a phone curfew where both of you leave your phones in your bedroom while you sit in the family room and try and connect. Start with short periods like, say, half an hour and then extend it to longer periods over time. While you are in the family room talk to her about things you know she is interested in. Start slow and build up a portfolio of topics that hold her interest. You could also suggest walks. Get a baby sitter and take her out on a date to a fancy restaurant. If you have family close by then ask them to look after your toddler and the two of you take a short two day vacation across the weekend. Make sure you continue with your phone curfew.

 

If you are doing the cooking generally then make sure you cook low calorie meals with a lot of salad as a filler. Have you thought of suggesting an operation to reduce the size of her tummy? I forget what they call that kind of operation but if it is safe for her to have it that may be a life saver for her. Something as simple as having lime juice in a glass of warm water has been known to cut down on fat. Research all your options and try them out. The idea is to feel positive about the whole affair and not get your hopes down. Warm wishes.

[chinadiary]

Hi Beezle, sorry but I think most folks are stacked against you. None of the folks who responded seemed to suggest that maybe your wife could get out of her comfort zone and do something to sort out the problem between you two. Her phone seems to be an addiction. I would start there and lay down a phone curfew where both of you leave your phones in your bedroom while you sit in the family room and try and connect. Start with short periods like, say, half an hour and then extend it to longer periods over time. While you are in the family room talk to her about things you know she is interested in. Start slow and build up a portfolio of topics that hold her interest. You could also suggest walks. Get a baby sitter and take her out on a date to a fancy restaurant. If you have family close by then ask them to look after your toddler and the two of you take a short two day vacation across the weekend. Make sure you continue with your phone curfew.

 

If you are doing the cooking generally then make sure you cook low calorie meals with a lot of salad as a filler. Have you thought of suggesting an operation to reduce the size of her tummy? I forget what they call that kind of operation but if it is safe for her to have it that may be a life saver for her. Something as simple as having lime juice in a glass of warm water has been known to cut down on fat. Research all your options and try them out. The idea is to feel positive about the whole affair and not get your hopes down. Warm wishes.

 

 

 

Seriously? To stay married to him she has to have surgery???

 

I'd dump the dead weight by divorce if that was a partners requirement.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I agree, the phone is the big problem here. No communication= no marriage. A marriage that is fulfilling and healthy. If this was just a "last month" issue, I would say no problem. But we are talking 8 years. When the OP goes to the W and asks for communication and needs, it gets thrown back at him. If I hear this correctly.

Sounds like she has a roommate with benefits. She performed her societal role of getting married, and having kids. Now she is in non function mode, idling the days by with internet and texting bliss. Wow, thats gotta be fun...

Sounds like you need to work on you. Why don't you start at the gym. Make a regular schedule and keep at it. Don't throw it at your wife anymore. Start doing things that you enjoy. Take a healthy cooking class, go to a ball game. Meet up with the guys after work.

If after awhile, she doesn't seem to get it and start coming around, I think you have your answer.

[Beezle]

First, I want to thank everyone for the input. What I've taken away from this is that I have the problems, so I need to work on fixing them myself.

 

Having taken that advice, I've been proactive. Cooking more, helping with our child more, dieting together, and making time to actually cuddle on the couch and just be with each other.

 

So far, so good. We are both happier, at least for now, and the phone time has been reduced without asking. Maybe she was just bored too, but in a different way?

 

I still have my issues with spontaneity, and I would still like to have those wants and needs met, but as of this week I am on the offensive, making sure she is the focus and not myself. Hopefully we can both turn a corner here, and she can feel relaxed enough to work on my problem areas without anxiety, and I can work on being a more considerate husband.

 

Now, with all the pieces coming together to give her time to do some of the things I like without pressure, how long should I wait to see a change? When should I say something? I'm trying to take the focus off of me or her and put it on us as a couple, but what if I put in the work, and she doesn't?

[BarbedFenceRider]

It will take longer than a few days I'm afraid. I think it is said that for something to become a habit, it's like 17-21 times of repetition. In this age of "here and now", this can seem like forever. I would still say, concentrate on YOU. Enjoy YOU. I would say a few weeks minimum. People naturally want to be around happy people. As you find happiness in getting healthy, looking good, finding new and exciting hobbies...She should want to start doing it too. If not and she goes back to "sloth", again...You have your answer.

[DKT3]

Honestly, you make it sound like your wife is just lazy. I don't see anything but that. So my question is what does she do outside of playing on her phone?

 

Now, come on man, do you think your wife isn't smart enough to understand that your "I need to workout" talks is nothing more than a passive aggressive way of saying "YOU need to workout".

 

Women are far more advanced in understanding true meaning in words, and she hasn't forgot that you think she is too big.

 

Lesson number one, a woman will never be sexy with a man who doesn't make her feel sexy. You wanting her to just perform may just come off as you wanting to get off. Not really motivation for her, right?

[Arieswoman]

Beezle,

How long has this situation been going on?

 

 

Has your wife always been a "larger lady" or did she put weight on during pregnancy and hasn't lost some of it. Just how large is she, exactly?

 

 

Am I right in presuming she's a stay-at-home-mum?

 

 

How much help do you give her with the toddler you have?

 

 

What job do you do, and what did she do workwise before she had the child?

 

 

Sorry to bombard you with questions, but to give a balanced answer I need more information.

[Denison]

Beezle, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I think some on this website prefer to be argumentative and sort of play "devil's advocate" (not saying anyone in particular on this thread), as opposed to listening and offering sympathy, coupled with advice. As a married man with a young child, I can 100% relate to your issues. Not the weight thing fortunately as my wife is very into exercise and fitness, but certainly the phone issues, the long periods of lack of interest, the lack of sex and/or lack of general interest in sex, etc. Personally, I can't remember the last time my wife just reached over the bed to give me a passionate hug and kiss, let alone initiate sex "just because." Unfortunately, it appears that you are in an extended rut.

 

I think generally speaking, men are just simply always interested in having sex. During the infancy of any relationship, the women will be very interested because it's new, she's super into you, etc., but as husband and wife get more comfortable, and especially when there's a kid in the mix, that dies down. However, I feel like most men's libidos are still through the roof, whereas many wives, especially those who work, are simply exhausted at the end of the day, and would prefer sleep and/or playing with their phone to sex. If you ask a random guy any night of the week if he would prefer a) playing a game on his phone or perusing facebook or b) sex, he'd choose B 99.9% of the time. Ask your average married women the same thing? I'd argue it won't be that high.

 

To be sure, I am NOT blaming relationship ruts on women. It's absolutely 50/50, if not more men for various reasons. But speaking strictly about sex, I just have found in relationships and now in my marriage that women don't want/need it as much as men. In your case, it appears clear that you're trying to engage your wife in new things to spice up your sex life, and she's either not taking them seriously, or outright rejecting them. Based on what you've been saying, you've been trying to engage her not only sexually, but emotionally, romantically and otherwise, and have been largely ignored or rebuffed. It's a really, really ****ty feeling sometimes, and makes you think back to those old relationships when your girlfriend/boyfriend became disinterested. Of course, a marriage is much different, and I'm not comparing the two, other than to say sometimes it feels the same in terms of the perceived rejection.

 

So, advice. Honestly, if I knew exactly what to do or what to say that you haven't already said and done, I'd suggest it. But it sounds like you've done a lot, already. Without knowing more, I'd just ask yourself if any of this could be due to something you're doing (or not doing), and try to fix that the best you can. Otherwise, I'd suggest having a very frank conversation with her. You probably have to an extent, but this is clearly bothering you very much. I think sometimes when someone hears just how much their behavior is affecting their spouse, it snaps them out of it. Little bits and pieces here and there might not be enough. I think there's a very productive way to have the conversation, and instead of being accusatory, or blaming the whole thing on her, just let her know how you're feeling, i.e. how rejected you feel (if that's in fact the case) when she rebuffs your sexual and romantic advances, and how upset it makes you that you're playing second fiddle to idle habits like playing on her phone.

 

Best of luck, and sorry I can't be of more help. Marriages are really tough sometimes, and ruts are inevitable. Just gotta remember why you married the person in the first place and that there is a loving, affectionate, sexually active person in there that might just be hibernating!

[wmacbride]

This is my first post on a relationship forum since I've been married, so here goes.

 

I love my wife. We have a toddler, and there is no way I can leave her because I couldn't handle the guilt of spending less time with my child. However...

 

Since we've been married (together for 10 years total) she has started boring me. She spends most of her time on her phone, she has no interest in talking to me about what I'm doing, or even what she's looking at online.

 

I've worked up the nerve to tell her the two things that are very important to me in our relationship that cause me to feel unimportant. Those things are her weight, and her lack of interest. When I say lack of interest, it started off as being a lack of sexual interest. I talked with her about what I like, and the things I need, plus explicit examples and ideas, adding that it's as easy as choosing one a week, or two weeks, and just doing it. Not even difficult things, but stuff like sending me a nude picture, or a dirty text. When we have these (now multiple) conversations, her initial response is to get mad, saying that I'm blaming her. Then she does what I asked for about a week, then it's back to the usual nothingness.

 

Her weight was once a bigger problem, but I had moved on. That's is, until her friend, who has lost a lot of weight, gave my wife her "fat" clothes. It set me off, to say the least. I feel like she should be giving away her own "fat" clothes at this point, but when I talk about dieting and exercising together, she says "ok, let's do it" and then never mentions it again.

 

Actually, it all falls into a lack of interest. No interest on losing weight, no interest in trying to be sexy for me, no interest in my interests, no interest in me.

 

And before I get the discussion of "maybe she doesn't feel sexy because she knows I want her to lose weight" I haven't mentioned it in YEARS. I always bring it up as wanting to diet and lose weight myself and I want her to join me. I make every effort to do new things and be spontaneous, and to make her feel special and attractive. She does not do the same for me. She doesn't even try.

 

Long story longer, I'm at a loss as to what I should do.

 

op,

It's helpful to get both sides of the story, but since your wife isn't there, we have to depend on you.

 

Put yourself in her shoes, If she were asked about your marriage and you, how would she answer?

 

Has her weight been an issue since before you were married or is it new?

 

You indicate she is "boring" you. Have you tried showing an interest in the activities she likes? Does she work outside the home?

[wmacbride]

I know I come off as inconsiderate or whiney, but it's because I've been having this same conversation for years with no result. She's always been overweight, but I've managed to look past that and focus on more emotional aspects of the relationship, which really helped. I stopped looking at weight as being part of personality, and as a result I became more engaged and happier in the relationship.

 

Having said that, hee weight does get in the way. She is at as mobile as she could be, and she snores so loud that I can't sleep in the same room as often.

 

We talked about what we both needed in the relationship, and I do feel that I've done my part. I've been more affectionate, which was her only complaint. But We both work full time, and we share child care responsibilities when we get home, but she spends more time feeding our child and getting him ready for bed, where I spend more time cooking and cleaning.

 

The phone issue is coming to a head. It's the reason she doesn't talk to me. If I'm driving, she's on the phone. She's on her phone at dinner. If she sits on the couch to watch tv, she's on her phone.

 

Patience used to be fine for me, and still is in most other aspects of my life. But after years of waiting, I have a hard time being patient. I don't get angry, but I do get resentful, which is probably worse.

 

Sending nudes is just an example, when really I want her to be involved. I don't feel like she's attracted to me anymore, even though she goes on and on to friends like I'm great. And not to be conceited, but I've always had women tell me I'm handsome, or tell her how lucky she is, and I don't know that she feels the same way anymore.

 

She initiates sex by saying "do you want to have sex?"

 

I am getting bored because it's getting to be mundane I had to start waking her up for work in the mornings, and that gave me an opportunity to shower with her to get in some extra time, but that doesn't seem to add anything to the rest of our time together.

 

The way I look at it, I was patient for 8 years, then I was honest, and now I'm starting to feel neglected.

 

Sorry, but if she was overweight when you married her, it's petty disingenuous to expect her to lose weight now just because it's what you want.

 

I know I may be coming off as snarky to you, but that's only because, at least in my experience, these situations are usually fed by both spouses.

This is why I suggested above that you put yourself in her place and view the marriage through her eyes.

 

I would also suggests that you seek a counselor or other neutral third party. That way, you two can discuss you marriage and get input from someone who has no stake in it at all. It might help your wife to understand where you are coming form a little bit better.

 

I do have one more question ( and I am not accusing you of cheating, I'm just asking) . Have you become friendly with a woman at work, gym or somewhere else lately? Sometimes, even a purely platonic friendship, can magnify a spouse's faults.

[Beezle]

Ok, let me see if I can answer some of these questions.

 

First, as far as her weight , I'm not even expecting her to lose it all. I PREFER larger women. The only reason I want her to lose weight is because she is starting to have health problems. Her knees are bad, she falls asleep super quick, and she snores a ton. I'm worried her weight will only exacerbate the current issues and, as she gets older, cause a lot more. That, plus it does get in the way of sex.

 

She isn't a stay at home mom, she works full time at a job that is stressful to her, but not because of the work. She has a boss who likes to micromanage everything, and my wife is very independent and does amazing work, and she doesn't need a babysitter.

 

And it's too late to quote it, but the whole thing about me saying I need to work out being a passive aggressive way to let her know she needs to work out is so close to accurate that it hurts. I do want her to work out, but when I say I need to work out, I'm mostly fishing for a response, like her saying she does too, or showing an interest in working out. That's why I'm so surprised that she has been working on dieting with me this week.

 

Also, I need to clear up the fact that she doesn't shut me down when it comes to sex. The problem with it is that she seems much more focused on the orgasm (mine) when I like to take my time and have a good time. She seems to enjoy sex, but she also seems to want it to be over pretty much immediately after she orgasms, meaning I am supposed to fairly quickly after she does. Then it's just over. Back to tv or phone or whatever. Believe it or not, I'm man who enjoys cuddling and foreplay, but I can't get her to talk about anything or do anything that isn't because of something I want or do on my own.

 

Another problem was the lack of interest. Here's an example. I play guitar, and I sing. That never comes up. We've been together for 10 years, and she has asked me to sing a song maybe 5 times, and only if I am already doing it. So to her, it's out of sight, out of mind. Overall, maybe that's just who she is. She doesn't think about this stuff as being important, even though we've talked about that a lot too.

 

Her interests are terrifying to me because I have a fear of heights. She wants to ride roller coasters and go zip lining, and I get anxious just thinking about it. But, I'm going to try to get over that fear for her, at least partially. That is literally all she has said she's interested in. Anything else is because I brought it up. I've been much more open to just going along to get along.

 

Lastly, I don't have a woman on the side and I don't want one. I love my family and I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize it. I'm a grown man, and I try my best to act like one.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Do what makes you happy. If you need to lose weight. Lose it. If that means going to the gym, go. If it means joining a running group, join. If it means cooking super healthy, cook.

 

All you can change in this situation is yourself. Go ahead... read the entire internet. You won't find a single example of anyone who was able to get their wife to be more fun in bed. At least not with THEM.

 

That said, if YOU change, and YOU are happier and YOU are inspiring YOU are showing her that a better life exists outside the confines of her iphone screen, then MAYBE she will follow you. Or maybe you'll divorce.

 

In either event, you will be better off than you are now.

[heartbrokenlady]

She seems to enjoy sex, but she also seems to want it to be over pretty much immediately after she orgasms, meaning I am supposed to fairly quickly after she does.

 

 

 

I think this is fairly normal. Do you want to continue sex after you have orgasmed? This is a normal sexual pattern. If you want sex to last longer, how about practising edging? Teasing her to the point of orgasm and then stopping repeatedly. No, the attention won't be on you, but if you are really interested in prolonging a sexual experience, NOT just on your own pleasure/experience, it should do the trick very well.

[Cullenbohannon]

I respectfully disagree. It is rare for both parties orgasm at the same time. What should be normal, is the desire to CONTINUE and assist your beloved to theirs.

[carhill]

Only thing worse than a wife who doesn't care is a wife who boils you in acid.