Am I in a sexless marriage????

[Janetfan70]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and I could use some advice in the worst way because I just don't know what else to do anymore. I've been married for 15 years and in the beginning of our relationship he couldn't keep his hands off of me which was great but my body never got to experience the enjoyable part of sex. In layman's terms it was all about him. Then it got to a point where he was only touching me once every 6 months and I would talk to him about it and it would go on deaf ears.

 

Recently (in February) we tried something different and it was absolutely amazing but that momentum stopped when he got hurt on the job and he became more focused on the pain than he did on us.

 

Quite some time ago I even began to keep a calendar of how many times we had sex in one year and at one point in time it was less than 20 times but then I began to notice the last few years it's been less than 10 times.

 

We are planning to move out of state just as soon as I lock in a permanent job and I told him today if this does not improve before we leave the state, I will be the only one leaving. I even went as far as telling him that I did not get married to have sex alone and that I've had more sex without him then I have with him. Of course he didn't like that statement too much but I'm tired of tiptoeing on eggshells and trying to spare his feelings while he beats the living crap out of mine.

 

My husband is diabetic and also has bipolar disorder but is only on medication for one of the two and it's not for the bipolar. I can't say that the medication is the culprit because he just recently went back to taking the pills and this has been a problem long since before. He was given the option to either stay on the bipolar meds or get off the meds and accept tough love... I'll let you guess which one he chose.

 

I have been more than patient with my husband and just as a very good friend told me recently... the most patient of people tend to snap the hardest.

 

What brought this conversation on was the fact that he said he wanted to leave everything behind when we move but how in the world am I supposed to do that if this problem will not get fixed? For the longest time he refused to seek outside help and I feel as if I have to threaten to leave in order to get him to realize what is wrong...but he agreed to seek outside help. By the way would anyone happen to know if I'm looking for a sex therapist or a marriage counselor?

 

Thank you for listening.

[dichotomy]

This sounds very complicated.

 

He needs medical advice and treatment for both diabetes and the bi-polar. He needs to be as healthy as possible in those areas. That requires a MD doctor and a MD Psychiatrist for meds and healthy treatment options.

 

Sex therapists can also be qualified for marriage therapy. We had one for a year that was both. https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory

 

You could give him a year - if he sees both the MD and therapist regularly.

 

However if you have had 15 years of this - I will tell you it will be hard to change someone. Particularly on sexual issues - very rarely does a low interest person turn around in a marriage. They maybe just fearful of loss - and go through the motions until you stay - then its back to old ways.

Edited December 3, 2017 by dichotomy

[TrustedthenBusted]

When it comes to sex, people don't change. You can suck it up, cheat, or leave.

[SCFenway]

You don't have to cheat actually. You could discuss an open arrangement for ethical non-monogamy.

 

The real issue may be his health. Is he type I or II diabetic? If he is obese it could impact his ability to get and maintain an erection and that may be embarrassing to him.

[BluesPower]

Yeah there could be some health issue on his part, BUT so what????

 

I am glad that you are at last standing up for yourself and telling him where the rubber meets the road.

 

Yes you are in a sexless marriage. (I think 10 to 20 times a year is the actual definition, give or take.)

 

He is the one with the issue. He has to fix them. If he wanted to be open and honest, and not a puss, you could help him if you wanted.

 

But yes you are justified. And further, you telling him that this gets fixed or you move on alone, that is really good.

 

Here is the deal: It could be health, and that can be addressed. Diabetes can cause ED and that for the most part can be dealt with through the various ED pills, and the cheap ones from over seas work just as well.

 

He could have lost interest or have Low Testosterone. Low T you can deal with, interest that is a hard one.

 

This is one thing that I have never and never would stand for in any relationship, marriage or whatever.

 

You would not be the first woman to leave a marriage because their husbands lost their mojo for what ever reason, or the first man for that matter. I know several woman that left for that reason.

 

Either he fixes it or get gone...

[William]

Members, we appear to be getting a rash of this stuff lately, one post new members who post a thread then log out and disappear. I'll leave this open for general comments on sexless marriages but presume the thread starter to be gone. Thanks for the input!

[wheresthelove]

Members, we appear to be getting a rash of this stuff lately, one post new members who post a thread then log out and disappear. I'll leave this open for general comments on sexless marriages but presume the thread starter to be gone. Thanks for the input!

 

I would like to leave this open. I am in the same boat kind of. I am on here to see if I am alone, and here we are! Thanks for the post

[wheresthelove]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and I could use some advice in the worst way because I just don't know what else to do anymore. I've been married for 15 years and in the beginning of our relationship he couldn't keep his hands off of me which was great but my body never got to experience the enjoyable part of sex. In layman's terms it was all about him. Then it got to a point where he was only touching me once every 6 months and I would talk to him about it and it would go on deaf ears.

 

Recently (in February) we tried something different and it was absolutely amazing but that momentum stopped when he got hurt on the job and he became more focused on the pain than he did on us.

 

Quite some time ago I even began to keep a calendar of how many times we had sex in one year and at one point in time it was less than 20 times but then I began to notice the last few years it's been less than 10 times.

 

We are planning to move out of state just as soon as I lock in a permanent job and I told him today if this does not improve before we leave the state, I will be the only one leaving. I even went as far as telling him that I did not get married to have sex alone and that I've had more sex without him then I have with him. Of course he didn't like that statement too much but I'm tired of tiptoeing on eggshells and trying to spare his feelings while he beats the living crap out of mine.

 

My husband is diabetic and also has bipolar disorder but is only on medication for one of the two and it's not for the bipolar. I can't say that the medication is the culprit because he just recently went back to taking the pills and this has been a problem long since before. He was given the option to either stay on the bipolar meds or get off the meds and accept tough love... I'll let you guess which one he chose.

 

I have been more than patient with my husband and just as a very good friend told me recently... the most patient of people tend to snap the hardest.

 

What brought this conversation on was the fact that he said he wanted to leave everything behind when we move but how in the world am I supposed to do that if this problem will not get fixed? For the longest time he refused to seek outside help and I feel as if I have to threaten to leave in order to get him to realize what is wrong...but he agreed to seek outside help. By the way would anyone happen to know if I'm looking for a sex therapist or a marriage counselor?

 

Thank you for listening.

 

 

I am sorry to hear about your struggle, but you are not alone. I had no idea that a sexless marriage actually had a number to go by. I am finding out that I am also in a sexless marriage and seeking further advice as well. I am torn between staying and finding a medical reason for his lack of interest, or just finally leaving because of it. We've been married for 10 years and it's been a struggle since year 2. I can't figure it out either. Life seems to be some kind of sick joke when it comes to men and women and their libido. Men peak at a young age and taper off while women are opposite and somewhere in between, people are left to decide what to do. I recommend seeking medical advice first and go from there. Get couples counseling.

[StillRambunctious]

I’m also in the same boat. You can see my thread in this same forum. I’m however on the other side of this: a husband who is constantly rejected by his wife. Everything else is fine in our marriage, but because of premenopausal issues and a drop in libido, she rarely wants to have sex. Meanwhile, I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s getting more difficult.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Janet, I wanted to ask you how the other aspects of your marriage are? Is your husband a congenial, loving and kind person or is he wrapped up in himself and distant and abrasive with you? If your marriage is otherwise good and you both love each other and you would like to stick it out with him if you were getting your sexual needs met elsewhere then I think SCFenway's suggestion is good. Of course, if your husband is not open to your having a lover/ lovers then your options are limited. Also, you yourself may not be open to such an idea in which case divorce may be your only recourse.

 

I would think that you should try out every remedy on the table to revive your husband's libido failing which you should proceed with severing the relationship as this problem is only going to cause the build up of a lot of resentment within you. Warm wishes.