My heart is breaking a little bit for my daughter

[SolG]

My little girl.. well she's actually in her 20s with a post-grad qual and starting out in a great career... a few months ago broke up with her bf of more than five years.

 

She's the maid of honour for the upcoming wedding of one of her best friends. And she had a little cry with me because she expected that she would have been having her wedding about that time.

 

Fast forward to last week... she sits me down and tells me she's pregnant. About a month ago she had too much to drink at a work function and had sex with her ex. Bingo... pregnant.

 

Ironic given she always used the pill and condoms when they were together to be doubly sure. And she stopped taking the pill when they split for a break when she was sure she wouldn't be having sex with anyone.

 

So we did pros and cons. I left it to her to decide, there for support. In the end she decided on an abortion. So next week she's booked in for a medical abortion.

 

Her father, myself, her two best friends and her ex are all taking time off work to be there for her. Even if just for hugs and cups of tea. Or just to be there when she's sleeping so she's not alone.

 

She seems very determined and stoic. Almost too calm IMO. I'm waiting for the dam to break.

 

IMO it's a ****ty situation. I know how conflicted I'd be. My heart breaks that she has to choose what is in the circumstances the least ****ty course of action. It's still ****ty.

 

Have any of you had experiences with unplanned pregnancies?

[chinadiary]

Similar situation. My daughter is 20 weeks pregnant. Accident.

 

It's wrecked her life in the short term. She was working overseas but has had to come home to get access to healthcare. So now she has no job, no home and is living with me.

 

But I'm ok with her choice. Life will go on, albeit in a different way.

[elaine567]

Her father, myself, her two best friends and her ex are all taking time off work to be there for her. Even if just for hugs and cups of tea. Or just to be there when she's sleeping so she's not alone.

 

I think that is great, but it also may make her feel that she HAS to go through with it, as everyone is geared up for it, and she would be letting people down or be inconvenienced by her not gong through with it, when maybe left to her own devices a bit more she may decide against it.

[SolG]

I think that is great, but it also may make her feel that she HAS to go through with it, as everyone is geared up for it, and she would be letting people down or be inconvenienced by her not gong through with it, when maybe left to her own devices a bit more she may decide against it.

 

Elaine what's your counselling experience been like in this area? Can I talk to her directly beforehand and tell her there's no pressure to do anything? That she can change her mind at any time?

 

Because it's true. We will all be there no matter what decision she makes. I've already started talks with my company about not moving in January if I need to be here. But didn't tell her because she's sensitive to 'sacrifices'.

[anika99]

Your daughter is very lucky to have so much support from her family and friends. I had an abortion in my twenties and I had no emotional support. My best friend had recently moved far away, my mother didn't believe in abortion and she was super angry at me when I told her my decision and told me not to talk to her about it. My boyfriend (a pos who told me all along that he was sterile and couldn't father children and let me become lax with birth control only to tell me later that no doctor ever diagnosed him as sterile he just thought he was) didn't want a baby and was angry at me for being pregnant.

 

He came with me for the procedure but he was miserable and had no patience for my tears and heartbreak. He and my mother, the two people I was most looking to for emotional help were both angry at me and I felt so abandoned and alone. After it was over my boyfriend took me home so I would be there when my kids got home from school. He left me to take care of my sons alone and my mom wasn't talking to me. It will always be one of the saddest days of my life and it took me a long time to emotionally recover. Your daughter is very fortunate that so many people want to be there for her.

[noelle303]

Well my unplanned pregnancy will be 7 in March. I was just about to turn 21 when I had her.

 

My parents were also very supportive no matter what I decided to do, they made sure that I felt no pressure, it was entirely up to me and they'll be there to help me. It was such a relief to have them by my side without a shred of disappointment or judgment coming from them. It really helped me make the decision that was best for me.

 

I think you're doing everything you can, just be careful not to treat her like she's going to break at any moment. Ask her what she needs - she may want to be alone a little bit that day, she may want some space and she may not break or cry at all. Everyone reacts differently - some women feel relief when ending a pregnancy. Be there for what SHE truly needs, not for what you may think she needs.

[Els]

Many hugs to your daughter, SolG. I think it's great that you're such a supportive parent and are there for her when she needs it. Stay strong!

[MJJean]

I had two unplanned pregnancies. They are 24 and 19 years old, respectively.

 

I have helped friends through abortion thought it wasn't something I could bring myself to do. You seem to have the emotional side taken care of.

 

On a practical note, buy Jello, soups, and other things you'd normally feed someone not feeling well. Your daughter may be nauseous for a day or so.

 

Do not leave her alone. Medical abortion is still a surgical procedure and, as with any surgical procedure, things can and do go wrong. Make sure someone is with her for the first 24-48 hours just in case.

 

Also, she will bleed just as she would if she had given birth and the same rules apply. No tampons. So, be sure to buy pads.

 

She may also experience mild to severe cramping, so have otc pain meds such as Tylenol on hand.

[Poppy47]

Yes. My daughter was about to graduate from university and begin a career with a prestigious company. She found that she was pregnant and asked me for help.

She knew her father ( my ex husband) would disown her.

 

She knew that the pregnancy would ruin her career. It was solely her decision to terminate it and I promised to support her. This was 25 years ago and society was not quite so accepting of single mothers.

 

It affected me very deeply. As she was 21 , I believe she recovered much better than I did.

 

Anyway, she went on to have a great career and a lovely son.

 

How she feels about it now, I could not say.

 

Cheers,

[SolG]

It's funny my two best gfs both have experiences with unplanned pregnancies. One had a termination at 19, the other now has two beautiful sons. It was very interesting, and somewhat emotional to hear their experiences and views.

 

I read a stat the other day that one in three women will experience an unwanted pregnancy! I had no idea it was that common. And now experiencing it via my daughter, I have a completely new perspective on choice. Whilst always pro-choice in my perspective, it's always been a philosophical stance. Now I actually get the real import on people's lives. How one decision or another can have completely different effects. How choice affords control over one's own life and destiny.

 

After some initial counselling my daughter has decided to go with a surgical vice medical termination. Apparently the latter is somewhat less reliable. She can only have one support person in hospital, and she's decided on her best friend. Her dad and I will see them off and stay at their's and look after their dog. We've decided we'll do some meal prep and probably get a heap of flowers. Just make the place nice and add some convenience.

 

Gotta be honest, wishing I could be there at the hospital with her. But after talking to my friend who had a termination at 19... I totally get her choice.

 

One thing I'm somewhat worried about is that a compulsory part of the preparation is an ultrasound. So they are entirely sure of the gestational age and positioning. And viewing and/or hearing the ultrasound is expressly optional. It just seems so... tempting... cruel... something ?

 

Anyway... We're playing it by ear. Thanks for your support guys.

[MJJean]

While you're setting up her place, try to make a "nest" for her. She may be very tired and have little energy. If she has a comfy place to sit and lay, with blankets, her devices and chargers, her remote control, a few light snacks, etc. so she wont have to keep getting up when she needs a little something to drink or eat.

[SolG]

Well it's done. It went... as well as can be expected.

 

Her dad and I arrived at hers early. We made small talk for a while and then she and her best friend went to the clinic. None of us had breakfaat because she couldn't before a general anaesthetic.

 

They kept us updated via text as things progressed. When it was over they came home with a veritable mountain of food! Which we all devoured!

 

Then my daughter asked me to take her shopping for Christmas decorations. Which I did. We had a bit of a moment in a shop when she pulled a gorgeous bsby outfit off the rack to show me, it was themed after one of her childhood favorites. And she said she'd looked at that set when she first found out.... then she said to me, 'I know seeing your baby in your mind in a beautiful outfit is not a great justification for having it'.' And her eyes welled up. We had a brief hug, then she straightened her back and moved on.

 

When I took her home, on top of the flowers her father and I had bought her, she'd had six other bouquets delivered. That was really beautiful.

 

My friend who had an abortion keeps telling me not to stress so much. That she is seeking and getting the support she needs from her friends. And I know this is true. Before I left two more friends had turned up. And she was back at work and the gym the next day.

 

I'm watching like a hawk for some emotional issue. But I think maybe the issue is me.

 

I was just talking to her dad and giving him an update. And part of that conversation strayed to when we found out I was pregnant with our daughter. We were overjoyed. Ecstatic! That was my only experience with pregnancy... joy. And her's never will be just that.

 

I'm not sure, but I think I'd like to buy that baby outfit and put it away. Maybe for her one day. Or tbh, maybe just for me.

Edited December 15, 2017 by SolG

[Leikela]

Aw, your daughter is so lucky to have such supportive parents! I think your idea of buying that baby outfit is a great one. How special will that be when she does have a child and you give that to her...

 

When I was 19, I had an abortion. My parents were supportive but they were angry and upset. My Dad brought me to have it done. While they cared how I was healing physically, there was nothing after that. No asking how I was dealing with it, etc. I cannot blame them though. I became quite depressed afterwards and to cope, I ate. I put on weight and pretty much did nothing all day. I had noone to talk about it with. It was a horrible experience for me.

 

Later on in adulthood, I had to go to counseling to finally heal from it. I did not feel worthy to be a mother. I now have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They were planned and I felt total joy when I found out I was pregnant with them.

 

Your daughter will feel the joy one day. You and your husband have supported her very well. She is able to talk about it, etc. I did not have that opportunity. I wish you and your daughter all the best for the future.

[anika99]

Aw, your daughter is so lucky to have such supportive parents! I think your idea of buying that baby outfit is a great one. How special will that be when she does have a child and you give that to her...

 

When I was 19, I had an abortion. My parents were supportive but they were angry and upset. My Dad brought me to have it done. While they cared how I was healing physically, there was nothing after that. No asking how I was dealing with it, etc. I cannot blame them though. I became quite depressed afterwards and to cope, I ate. I put on weight and pretty much did nothing all day. I had noone to talk about it with. It was a horrible experience for me.

 

Later on in adulthood, I had to go to counseling to finally heal from it. I did not feel worthy to be a mother. I now have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They were planned and I felt total joy when I found out I was pregnant with them.

 

Your daughter will feel the joy one day. You and your husband have supported her very well. She is able to talk about it, etc. I did not have that opportunity. I wish you and your daughter all the best for the future.

 

I empathize. I also went into a dark place after my abortion. I almost stopped eating altogether and for a few years my weight was around 90 pounds. I felt like a worthless person who deserved nothing but misery because I was a baby killer. I already had two healthy sons and I lived in fear everyday that something bad was going to happen to them as some sort of punishment for my sin. I had terrible panic attacks and felt like a hollow shell of a person. It was terrible and I was afraid to talk about it. I felt like I was just barely holding off a total mental breakdown by acting as normal as I could and hiding my poor mental state. It was a dark hole and it took me a long time to get out of it.

[preraph]

I know she's feeling pressure only because her friend got married, but 20 is WAY too young to marry and start a family, so at least support her by telling her she's the one making the sensible decision and that her friend is getting married too young so she doesn't keep thinking that is the right age to marry.

[SolG]

Well, I'm coming up on the 'anniversary' of my daughter's abortion. We have had a couple of cries over the year about it. She's in a really good space at the moment - career going well, wonderful new partner (who is one of the friends who was with us through it all).

 

It's significant for me as her mother... but I don't really know what this occasion is for her. Will she remember? Will she mourn? Will she need support in mourning?

 

I'm after your guidance on what I should do. Send her flowers? Be there physically? Or just keep a vigilant watch?

[Els]

Well, I'm coming up on the 'anniversary' of my daughter's abortion. We have had a couple of cries over the year about it. She's in a really good space at the moment - career going well, wonderful new partner (who is one of the friends who was with us through it all).

 

It's significant for me as her mother... but I don't really know what this occasion is for her. Will she remember? Will she mourn? Will she need support in mourning?

 

I'm after your guidance on what I should do. Send her flowers? Be there physically? Or just keep a vigilant watch?

 

 

 

 

I honestly don't think you should bring it up unless she does. You could arrange to meet up as a regular/casual thing, but there's no point in mentioning it. It's entirely possible that it's in the past for her now and that she doesn't even remember it's an "anniversary".

 

 

Props to you again for being such a supportive mum!

[Mr. Lucky]

I honestly don't think you should bring it up unless she does.

 

Agreed. I try sometimes to get my wife to fight her natural inclination to want to manage these interactions with our kids, it's better IMHO if you let them come to you. Be there for her, but do so passively rather than proactively...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

I also agree with not bringing it up and don't send flowers. I'm sure your daughter knows what day it is but in this situation there comes a point when it's time to look forward, not back.

[preraph]

No, don't make a holiday or anniversary of it. That's cruel. If she remembers, she will deal with it. Definitely no gifts or cards. Don't bring it up. If she mentions it, just hug her.

[SolG]

Wise words all, lovely ladies and gents. It is really difficult sometimes for me to remember that she's a grown-ass capable and confident woman now that doesn't 'need' me anymore. And that she's perfectly capable of reaching out for support if and when required. Exactly how I wanted her to be!

 

Even if every time I look at her she's still a one-year old sleeping on my "comfy jelly belly" that she made for a pillow to use later when she was growing inside me. Well, the jelly belly moved on and so did my little girl.

 

I won't mark/mention the occasion unless she does.

 

Thanks again for all your kind words.

[SolG]

Well here I was all worried about the date in November that marked one year... and Mother's Day didn't even occur to me. And it should have.

 

The day before I sent her a meme about it being fur baby/dog's mothers day. When she call on Mother's Day we joked about that a bit and I asked her whether her doggo had gotten her a gift. Which he hadn't. Then she got serious and said, 'I am a mother too. I made a difficult choice... I chose not to have my baby. And today that choice really hurts.'

 

I told her I understood. We cried. Then the day after she sent me a pic of her doggo with a HUGE bunch of flowers. Not from me, from her partner. I could tell she felt affirmed, and loved. They're eloping soon and I know there'll be babies... Gods/Goddesses willing.

 

But I know there will always be a spot of grief for the child that never was.

[anika99]

I'm not understanding your recent post. Are you saying that your daughter considers herself a mother because she was pregnant and aborted? Or do you mean that she considers herself the mom of her furbaby?

[noelle303]

Well here I was all worried about the date in November that marked one year... and Mother's Day didn't even occur to me. And it should have.

 

The day before I sent her a meme about it being fur baby/dog's mothers day. When she call on Mother's Day we joked about that a bit and I asked her whether her doggo had gotten her a gift. Which he hadn't. Then she got serious and said, 'I am a mother too. I made a difficult choice... I chose not to have my baby. And today that choice really hurts.'

 

I told her I understood. We cried. Then the day after she sent me a pic of her doggo with a HUGE bunch of flowers. Not from me, from her partner. I could tell she felt affirmed, and loved. They're eloping soon and I know there'll be babies... Gods/Goddesses willing.

 

But I know there will always be a spot of grief for the child that never was.

 

That's very understandable. It doesn't mean she made a wrong choice or regrets it, but she's allowed to be sad and hurt about having to make that choice.

 

Don't feel bad about not thinking of her on Mother's day - it's important that you let her lead the way when talking and bringing up this subject. Some women would still consider themselves mothers after an abortion and some wouldn't. It's just important that you let her know that whatever she's feeling is perfectly ok.

[JuneL]

What did your daughter get YOU for mother’s day?