Married but want another man...should I divorce?

[IrishGem28]

i just want an outside perspective. maybe someone who has

been through this or is currently going through what I'm struggling with now.

 

my husband and i are both in our mid twenties. we got married young and have been married only a year and 4 months. we have no children.

 

this is the first marriage for both of us so i knew we were going into it completely clueless and had to learn along the way. but back in the early months of 2017, I felt like my feelings were already waning. I felt like we rushed things and maybe a part of me didn't love my husband enough, i also felt like i didn't find him attractive anymore because i just didn't want sex. i told him it was me, like maybe my libido or maybe i just couldn't be "turned on". all of this was happening around March of 2017. there was no third party involvement, ie i wasn't crushing on anyone and neither was he. the problem seemed just with the two of us.

 

skip to July of 2017. I started a new job at a small business. there was a coworker who is 12 years older than me (call him Danny). he was like a big brother at first but then came the joking and the flirting which we both thought nothing of. then things felt serious and we found ourselves standing around for hours talking about serious issues on both ends. we talked about how things were already feeling off with me and my husband but things with this older guy felt right. we had an emotional affair for 4 months. for awhile that's all it could be. Danny has no intention of ruining my marriage, in fact he told me MANY times he hoped we would work things out. and he himself was getting over his longtime ex and likewise his baby mama (they've been broken up for maybe 2 years now). so he reiterated to me many times, our "fling" couldn't be serious, he put up the wall right away so i wouldn't get attached. it was comforting and endearing that he found someone he connected with and he enjoyed my company (and yes we're both attracted to one another) which made me think maybe its NOT just me, knowing that my husband couldn't turn me on but Danny could. but again, he and i both knew it couldn't go further.

 

skip ahead to now. things still feel off with my husband. we've talked and we've gotten advice from parents but i feel like i did in march earlier this year. my husband knew something felt off with me. he found out about Danny and asked that i quit my job, which i did. but of course Danny is still on my mind. i visited my old workplace and Danny had told me if i was single, he'd see a future with me. he wasn't saying it to screw with me or give me false hope. we talked AGAIN, he said his ex has just screwed him over too many times, he cant and wont go back to her. and i asked him with sincerity "so if i was single right now, you'd give us a chance" and he said yes. and now I'm torn. I've read articles here and there on "leaving a spouse for another" and such and gotten mixed advice. is it worth it? I've felt distant from my husband even before I met Danny, so i don't blame Danny at all for the way i feel. in fact I've seen it more like a sign. NO i never had the intention of divorcing one man for another. but if a divorce were to happen, it'd be because i feel i don't love my husband anymore and I'm not attracted to him or turned on by him. and so I feel i cant give him what he needs in this marriage. i told Danny my husband and i were gonna continue to try and work things out. i know i need to figure out what i want and what's going on in my head, so Danny basically said he's waiting on the sidelines. again he doesn't HOPE I'll get divorced and I'm not cheering for one either, but he mentioned, "like maybe a year from now if you're single and I'm single, we'll give it a shot"

[BaileyB]

You married too young and you still have a lot of maturing to do before you are ready for marriage... it seems to me that you are chasing rainbows and you really have no idea the love and commitment required to sustain a marriage long term.

 

Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Michelle ma Belle]

So what exactly are you doing to "try and work things out" in your marriage?

 

Going through the motions for the sake of it and not actually putting in any effort is a waste of both your time and especially his. If you're serious about working things out then it also means you need to cut ties with this Danny and focus on your marriage until you've turned over every rock to know for certain it's over. Then, and only then, is when you make plans to separate or divorce and go on with your life as you wish.

 

You may have had problems in your marriage before Danny came along but having him there now isn't helping anything. If anything, he's a distraction, a fantasy of what you could have rather than what you have already.

 

I agree with BaleyB, you have a lot of maturing to yet to do. Jumping from one relationship straight into another one without skipping a beat has red flags all over it.

 

I suspect you'll get bored with Danny soon enough, once the newness and excitement wears off. Because it always does.

 

Good luck.

[aliveagain]

A marriage is only as good as the effort you put into it. With your attitude I doubt any long term relationship will work out for you. You can't expect any relationship to compare with the excitement of a new partner because you haven't put the effort in to make it something special. You can probably still have your marriage annulled, you haven't been married that long. Your husband will be hurt but he's young enough to find someone that will want to be with him only. You need to either commit yourself 100% to making your marriage work or get out of it. You can't be giving your heart to other men and expect your marriage to succeed. You can't be a part time wife.

[wmacbride]

i just want an outside perspective. maybe someone who has

been through this or is currently going through what I'm struggling with now.

 

my husband and i are both in our mid twenties. we got married young and have been married only a year and 4 months. we have no children.

 

this is the first marriage for both of us so i knew we were going into it completely clueless and had to learn along the way. but back in the early months of 2017, I felt like my feelings were already waning. I felt like we rushed things and maybe a part of me didn't love my husband enough, i also felt like i didn't find him attractive anymore because i just didn't want sex. i told him it was me, like maybe my libido or maybe i just couldn't be "turned on". all of this was happening around March of 2017. there was no third party involvement, ie i wasn't crushing on anyone and neither was he. the problem seemed just with the two of us.

 

skip to July of 2017. I started a new job at a small business. there was a coworker who is 12 years older than me (call him Danny). he was like a big brother at first but then came the joking and the flirting which we both thought nothing of. then things felt serious and we found ourselves standing around for hours talking about serious issues on both ends. we talked about how things were already feeling off with me and my husband but things with this older guy felt right. we had an emotional affair for 4 months. for awhile that's all it could be. Danny has no intention of ruining my marriage, in fact he told me MANY times he hoped we would work things out. and he himself was getting over his longtime ex and likewise his baby mama (they've been broken up for maybe 2 years now). so he reiterated to me many times, our "fling" couldn't be serious, he put up the wall right away so i wouldn't get attached. it was comforting and endearing that he found someone he connected with and he enjoyed my company (and yes we're both attracted to one another) which made me think maybe its NOT just me, knowing that my husband couldn't turn me on but Danny could. but again, he and i both knew it couldn't go further.

 

skip ahead to now. things still feel off with my husband. we've talked and we've gotten advice from parents but i feel like i did in march earlier this year. my husband knew something felt off with me. he found out about Danny and asked that i quit my job, which i did. but of course Danny is still on my mind. i visited my old workplace and Danny had told me if i was single, he'd see a future with me. he wasn't saying it to screw with me or give me false hope. we talked AGAIN, he said his ex has just screwed him over too many times, he cant and wont go back to her. and i asked him with sincerity "so if i was single right now, you'd give us a chance" and he said yes. and now I'm torn. I've read articles here and there on "leaving a spouse for another" and such and gotten mixed advice. is it worth it? I've felt distant from my husband even before I met Danny, so i don't blame Danny at all for the way i feel. in fact I've seen it more like a sign. NO i never had the intention of divorcing one man for another. but if a divorce were to happen, it'd be because i feel i don't love my husband anymore and I'm not attracted to him or turned on by him. and so I feel i cant give him what he needs in this marriage. i told Danny my husband and i were gonna continue to try and work things out. i know i need to figure out what i want and what's going on in my head, so Danny basically said he's waiting on the sidelines. again he doesn't HOPE I'll get divorced and I'm not cheering for one either, but he mentioned, "like maybe a year from now if you're single and I'm single, we'll give it a shot"

 

In short...grow up before you consider getting seriously involved with another man. I don't mean that in a rude way, just that it sounds like you didn't have much chnace to do so before you married.

 

Some people can grow together in their marriage. Others can't. They need to do that on their own, and that sounds like you. Give yourself that time. Find out more about yourself and what makes you happy. Find out what you need in a romantic partner.

[central]

IMO, you should probably divorce, and spend a few more years dating and getting other life experience before getting into any long term relationships. You really weren't ready for marriage, and didn't choose the right partner if you are having so many doubts so early on. Get a diversity of experience, so you know yourself and what you want in a partner. Be glad you don't have kids to complicate your situation.

 

 

As for the other man - let him go too, and do a completely fresh start.

[Arieswoman]

IrishGem (what a nice handle !)

 

 

You said

 

 

" I felt like my feelings were already waning. I felt like we rushed things and maybe a part of me didn't love my husband enough, i also felt like i didn't find him attractive anymore because i just didn't want sex."

 

 

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I'm afraid this is just not working for you ( and if it's not working for you then it won't be working for him either).

 

 

Tell him how you feel (or don't feel) get a divorce and let the guy go and find someone who wants to rip his clothes off.

 

 

This also sets you free to find someone who'll light your fire.

 

 

You made a mistake, learn from it and move on to something better.

 

 

I'm sorry x

[carhill]

Way down the road from your situation OP, I followed two marriages where the wife's affairs in their 20's didn't kill the marriages at the time. 30 years down the road one survives, one ended at a little over 20 years and both have children and one grandchildren. One commonality both have/had was the husbands had revenge affairs later.

 

The best tip I can offer is to make a choice, marriage or divorce, and work that choice. Take Danny out of the equation, literally. Don't see him, change your contact information, including your phone number, and toss any means of contacting him in the trash.

 

I'm working one right now who's, apparently decades later, being contacted by the old flame and, while she says she's not responding, he's, like your Danny, on her mind. Not a healthy place to be in long marriage. Focus should be on the M. OP, if you had a friend in that circumstance, what would your advice to her be? Kids are long grown, nice lifestyle, popular couple, comfortable. Stick with the status quo or follow the heart? Why?

 

I wish you well in your choices. Seen a lot of this in my life and dealt with a couple MW's like yourself in my 20's. We tend to mostly talk about MM's here but IME it's pretty equal opportunity. You're not alone.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yup, divorce and quickly. You are waaay too young to be taking this aspect of your life seriously. Its a huge world out there, and you have barely dipped your toe in the water. So to speak. Your man has a traditional view on his life path and you don't know what you want. Let the guy go. Do a solid and let him be in peace. Your libido is not the problem. In your 20s and not wanting sex...Yeah, right!

The first time "danny" or someone like him yanks the clothes off, it's going to be game on. And you know it. Doesn't make you bad, just that you shouldn't do that with commitment to your marriage is in the balance. Divorce and "explore" all you want....

[Southern Sun]

You are in your mid 20s, you've been married a year, it's not as if you got married TOO young.

 

You found your way together and didn't know what you were doing. Well, that's true of anyone getting married for the first time.

 

Here's the thing - getting married is kind of anti-climactic. The build-up to it, all the excitement, the planning, the engagement, the anticipation...that is when it's fun. You don't have your man yet. It's like everything else in life. Working towards something is usually way better than actually having it. Once we achieve it, we kind of go, hmph. Is that all there is?

 

The more we build it up in our minds, the more of a let down there is afterwards.

 

I think you are in the let down period and now you want to know what comes next. So you think that means your feelings for your husband have dwindled. We don't stay on a high of romantic love forever with one person. It's impossible. But if we nurture the relationship, we do settle into a lovely, comforting, companionship that can still have elements of romance and passion. But it won't be anything like an affair or new love.

 

You are putting this OM on a pedestal and he will turn out to be the same as any other...exciting in the beginning, and when that wears off, he will have his own set of issues. Just new ones, ones you don't know about right now.

 

If he's even there for you in a year.

 

So...divorce if you want to. But I would put money on you looking back one day and thinking, I really should have tried harder to make my marriage work.

[Purepony]

What about the commitment they both made ?

I mean the quick decision is to divorce but what about the people that have been married since they where 18 I would like to think there’s some hope.

 

Have you considered trying theraphy with your husband maybe ?

[carhill]

BTW, OP, welcome to LS I'm like the WalMart greeter here, as well as the oldest moderator.

 

Questions:

 

You described how you and Danny got to know each other and how the intimacy and attraction proceeded. How is that similar to or different from the process when you met, got to know and fell in love with the man you married?

 

One thing I've noted over the decades with some MW's is that, when young, they 'liked' that a particular man was enamored or them or found them attractive or gave them attention, even if their own feelings were less than equally strong and pronounced. They 'let' the guy have them, in some cases even marry them. Any experience with that? Most who experience that, IME, grow out of it but some never do. It may have something to do with men being the pursuers of sex, IDK. Men pursue, women 'let' them, or reject them. It's easy as a woman to 'let it happen' even if one is on the fence. Does that scan with you?

 

Are you normally attracted to older men? You stated Danny was 12 years older. Your H is your age. Was H your customary age range of interest or different?

[BaileyB]

What about the commitment they both made ?

I mean the quick decision is to divorce but what about the people that have been married since they where 18 I would like to think there’s some hope.

 

Sure, some people make been married since they were 18 years old. However, it takes a certain maturity and a commitment to grow together for the marriage to be successful long term. It doesn't seem like OP has that/is ready for that, which is why I said that she would be better to develop a little more maturity and have some other life experiences, before committing to a life partner in a long term relationship again...

[Ronnie33]

I think you were inexperienced when you married and now you are wondering what else is out there. The problem with that is now that you have that feeling, that's you might be missing something else, it will always be there.

 

If it isn't Danny it will be someone else. My advice is to tell your husband how you feel, maybe you can work on it together. If that doesn't work then you know you tried.

 

By the way, my EXAP said the same thing to me when I was married "if you were single I would be chasing you"

Guess what? I got divorced and now he's married to someone else.

 

Do what's right for you, but don't count on him being there when the **** hits the fan. They rarely are.

[Imajerk17]

OP, I read your other post from October 19th, 2017:

 

I started a job at a really tiny family owned business, NOT corporate so there's no company rules against what my boss and I did.

Anyways my boss and I fooled around. At first it was because we both seemed to like each other and thought may be we'd be a good fit but after some serious thinking he realized he's too messed up from a previous relationship to go into another one. So we had kept things just physical which was fun but he realized I was starting to get attached so he starting acting "standoffish".

We talked yesterday and cleared the air a bit more. I'd told him I wasnt exactly hurt by it and figured he was messing around with me for fun and because he knew and I knew he didn't have to commit to me, since he was still jaded over his ex, so sort of a friends with benefits. But our fling has run it's course. My feelings for him were a little more intense than his feelings for me so I'm having trouble moving on. The problem is I have to see him everyday at work, like I mentioned this is a very small business. I don't have the option of quitting, I've job bounced too often and I do actually enjoy the job. But I want him and I to return to "normal". How do we do that? And how do we keep from going back to fooling around? Sad truth is we've tried a couple of times. We've drawn the line in the sand but we kept crossing it but I think we both realize it has to be for real this time.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/639077-my-boss-i-had-fling-can-we-go-back-normal

 

So here in the post above you DID get physical and tried to keep it from being emotional, while in this thread you are saying that you were emotional w Dan first. Which story is real, and if both are, how do you reconcile? They don't seem to match

Edited December 8, 2017 by Imajerk17

[William]

This member brings up a good point about conflict of information and I took a look and only two posts made, both topics, and this one the member logged out after making the topic and hasn't been back. At this point I think I'll thank the membership for their thoughtful responses and close this up pending a review by moderation.